Escaping wage slavery towards an Actualized Life

[Vali2003]

I feel, I’ve made some progress in my decision-making today. I’ll continue to work my list on ways that will help me find my path forward. 

But the next couple of days will be pretty busy… I’m moving places so I’ll have to prepare quite a bit, and simultaneously my brother will come to visit me this weekend. Once these two events are done with I’ll have a bit more time and headspace.

[Vali2003]

The way to be successful is to put myself in a situation where I have to succeed. Where there are real stakes.

The question is: do I have the balls to do that? 

[Vali2003]

I’m working through the Ultimate Guide for Dealing with Fear two-part series by Leo right now, hoping to resolve some of my career-related fears. Maybe it will help me see more clearly.

Here they are:

• Fear of ending up like my mom  (explanation: my mom is a very intelligent person, who was ambitious as a kid coming from an immigrant family. However, she got her first kid — my oldest brother — when she was just 24. She dropped out of her degree and became full-time mom. My parents divorced like a decade ago and now she’s alone after all of us moved out. Obviously job-market was a bitch for her, and she works as a secretary now, her self-esteem is seriously damaged through this, and she regrets never having had a "proper" career of her own.)
• Fear of failing at career and getting a shit job, like working at Starbucks, Burger King, Aldi cashier...
• Fear of falling short of all my life-goals
• Fear of my father seeing me as a failure or as stupid
• Fear of my siblings seeing me as a failure
• Fear of being broke compared to my siblings
• Fear of being seen as a failure in general
• Fear of being inadequate (big one)
• Fear of being seen as a loser
• Fear of being seen as stupid
• Fear of failing and standing there with nothing
• Fear of being a person who always has big ambitions, but never puts them to work/realizes them

The common theme among them is shame. I'd feel ashamed for doing something my father sees as stupid, I'd feel ashamed for being poorer than my siblings, I'd be ashamed at standing there with nothing, I'd be ashamed at being stupid.

Edited September 26 by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

Talking openly with friends about what troubles you right now is counterintuitive but invaluable. 

[Vali2003]

The last two days have been super busy with my brother visiting and me moving. I broke my streak yesterday. Not having programmed and contemplated. I’m happy my brother came to visit me but there’s always an annoying element in having to spent entire days with someone. And I’d feel like an ass saying: 

“Hey, thanks you came to visit me, taking the train for four hours only staying for one day basically, but I don’t want to miss a day of my programming, so could you just leave me alone for two hours?”

But that’s only a problem for me because I identify with not being my ass and being liked by everybody. I’ll have to sacrifice control. I’ll have to accept that people will see me as an ass now and then. 

Edited September 28 by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

Also it breaks routine. I go out, I eat later than I usually do, sleep later, sleep worse than I usually do, wake up later, fry my brain more with YT-shorts and don’t read/journal before sleeping. 

This is all bearable, but still they are slight annoyances that inhibit momentum-building and make me appreciate solitude.

[Vali2003]

I had a couple of insights recently. 

1. That any problem I encounter can be solved if I only have enough requisite variety. 
2. That, even if you don’t know what to do exactly, as long as you build the habit of working as hard (and smart) as you can, you will reap life’s benefits.

https://www.actualized.org/insights/requisite-variety-and-creative-laziness
 

This is a blog-video by Leo about requisite variety. It’s quite amazing, and I think one of his hidden gems. 

 

[Vali2003]

Ah… I’m likely not going to do Computer Science. One large reason for doing it would be the job security, and I’ve realized, that’s not even given in the current job market. And, it’s impossible to know anyways which sectors will do good in three years and which will do bad. Therefore choosing solely based on this, is a foolish idea. I will complete CS50 until I’ve finished Problem Set 5 regardless. I made a clear decision and need to honor that now. Maybe I’ll fall in love with CS. Then I’ll do it regardless of the job-market, not because of it.

[Vali2003]

Ahh here’s the insight I actually wanted to post previously but that didn’t come to mind. It kinda came through Leo’s Truth is the highest priority video. But… two weeks delayed.

I’ve realized what living by your values means. It sometimes means to sacrifice what feels good in the moment for living more in accord with your values. For example, it may feel bad to tell my roommate that I won’t watch Netflix with him because I’m working on my craft, but Excellence is a higher priority of mine than Connection and therefore I do that. Basically, I just realized the foolishness of doing what feels hedonistically good (comfortable), in the moment, rather than living principled.

Feels good.

Edited September 29 by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

One advantage of winter:

I can make my room really cold at night to improve my sleep quality.. 

Edited September 28 by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

It’s the last night in my current shared flat. All my stuff is already in the other apartment, except for my blanket, pillow and phone charger. I’m really happy to be moving. In a new place, it will be easier to change my identity. Become a person that’s laser-focused on realizing their LP and escaping Wage Slavery. 
 

And we’ll have a dishwasher…lol

 

Doing CS50 was really tough today. Especially since I had so much to do with the move.

My mind tries to convince me that I don’t have to do continue doing it anymore. And that it would be smarter to go back to working on my business only. And I think it likely is smarter… But I would have this lingering regret if I stopped now. I’d feel like I failed. 

 

[Vali2003]

I transported my moving boxes and other stuff with a public cargo-bike that you can rent for little money. It’s only about a five minute bike-ride, so I just went back & forth until all my stuff was over there. At one point the police stopped me. 

I drove up a small hill with cobbled streets. It was like my fourth way over there. I had already figured out that it’s less noisy if I drive on the left side of the street since it was more even there. But in Germany there’s something called “Rechtsfahrgebot.” It just means you must drive on the right side of the road. 

Anyways… the cops slowly pulled up next to me with the window rolled down. Apparently I didn’t hear them calling, because I listened to music . I was in a really cheesy mood and chatted with them for a bit. I felt weirdly confident. I told them I’m only driving on this side, because I’m trying not to be noisy. They then said that I could get a ticket for listening to music, because I couldn’t hear them. But I knew I wouldn’t get a ticket. My state was amazing. I was so confident, I felt like the cops were in my frame as opposed to me being in theirs. Sometimes, in situations like this I can be quite charming. This is one of my strengths, even though I’m actually pretty introverted.

 

 

Edited September 29 by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

Anytime I have to get tasks done like moving now, for example, I tap into the state of infinite requisite variety. 

I didn’t have shit planned out today. Most people would say I was way too poorly prepared. They wouldn’t be wrong. But I had infinite requisite variety. I knew I’d figure it out. If the bike didn’t work out, I would’ve carried my moving boxes by hand. It wouldn’t have mattered how long it took. I was willing to deal with it. This is one of the best — and maybe closest to my Zone of Genius, actually — states that I can tap into. It happens when something just has to get done. If I have to succeed at something, infinite requisite variety gets set free.

Have to catch a plane? Have to spontaneously present some project that I didn’t expect I’d have to present? Have to find exactly the right words in a moment my girlfriend really needs it? 

Weirdly, I thrive in those moments. I not only succeed most of the times, but I actually find it enjoyable. I need to contemplate this. Get to the essence of it.

Also, I realize that this is exactly the state I need to succeed in business and with LP.

Edited September 29 by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

Obviously I don’t always have this state in crucial moments. Sometimes I mess up mightily. But yet, I feel that there’s something more to them. It’s worth uncovering what exactly triggers it and puts me into this flow state.

[Vali2003]

good night 

[Vali2003]

I’ve grown to like the habit of writing in this journal. I’m glad I started. 

I’ve moved all my stuff to the new apartment now. It’s always feels a bit weird at the beginning of living somewhere new. It feels like you’re visiting somebody, but don’t have a place (home) to go back to. But it will normalize again very soon.

Even though I spent most of the day still moving my stuff, I did CS50. I sacked my evening basketball practice in order to be able to do it. It hurt, but was important. I must prove to myself now, through aligned action, that developing a strong work-ethic truly is my top priority. It starts with small decisions like that.  

[Vali2003]

I realized I need to find a mentor for my online business. I’ve been trying to learn everything from scratch. And while I think I could succeed that way, it’s just horribly ineffective. It won’t be easy to find them, but I’m committed and I’ll find a way. There’s a lot of stuff related to this that I’ll have to figure out:

Like, how much will I pay them? Where will I get that money from? How can I use their time effectively? How do I know who is a good mentor? 
 

Stuff like that… I’ll get there.

[Vali2003]

First thing I gotta do is get my room set up though. I need to purchase some things, and think how I’ll design it etc. This is the basis for effective work and routines. So that is my acute priority right now. I’ll try to work my ass off the next days so this “in between” phase of moving, wears off as quickly as possible.

 

[Vali2003]

My sleep has been pretty consistent btw. I wake up at 7.45AM in the morning and try to sleep at 23.15PM. 

I will slowly transition to 7.00AM wake-up time and 22.30PM bedtime. I’d also like to wake up even earlier — because it guarantees me undisturbed work time — but I’m uncertain if it’s realistic. We’ll see how it goes.

Edited September 30 by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

It’s a bit tough right now. I’m currently doing a three day social media detox (except for writing here) and all the emptiness, that usually accompanies leaving the comfortable and known, is reaching my nervous system that’s finally catching a break from the constant stimulation. 

I’m also second-guessing if it was such a good idea to move together with my only real friend here in this city. I’ll find out. Just feeling a tad lonely at the moment.