Escaping wage slavery towards an Actualized Life

[Vali2003]

I've been meaning to create this journal for three weeks, but I keep putting it off. I don't know why. Maybe because it's a signal for me to get serious about life. And maybe I know that I'll have to confront fears if I do that. And maybe I know, that won't be comfortable. Anyways, here I am.

Escaping wage slavery is what I think about the most. And I think it's one of the most, if not the most important thing, there is in my life right now. I feel, I'm at a crossroads at the moment. Where I can decide about truly going for the actualized life, or going with a cushy, safe, decent life. 

I know I want the actualized life. And I know I can get there if I put my all into it. 

I want this journal to be a place where I get really honest about where I'm at. About what challenges I'm facing, which dilemmas, which beliefs hold me back. About that which chains me to the idea of a safe life. But it'll also be about how I free myself from this, and how, eventually, I may succeed in my goals. 

 

 

 

[Vali2003]

I notice there's a lot of resistance within me about being completely honest. But there's something powerful about being brutally honest with yourself and transparent, knowing there are people watching. 

[Vali2003]

Some stuff about my current situation:

I live in Germany, am 22 years old at the moment, and I'm almost finished with a bachelor's degree in cultural studies. I regret having gone for cultural studies, but it's only one more year so I'll just finish it now. I regret it, since it doesn't really contribute to my survival. In terms of career, this degree is pretty much useless. I think I regret the title of this journal too. lol. I could've come up with something sexier. Anyways, haha I used the imperfect title as an excuse not to start the journal so I just chose something. 

It feels a bit like having wasted precious time with the cultural studies degree. I could have done something really valuable with my life in that time. I could've done Computer Science. I'm not sure I'd be passionate about that, but at least it aids survival. Also doing cultural studies is hard on my ego. Everytime someone asks me what I do, I cringe. I avoid these talks, since it reminds me of the uselessness of the degree. I also avoid them, because I know other people think it's useless. I know they think "damn... what's this kid gonna do for a job with this useless ass degree?" And that hurts me. I crave people's recognition too much. I also know my dad thinks it's absolutely useless. And they're right. It is useless in terms of career. But I wasn't thinking about that when I chose it. How foolish. 

It's not like I spent the last two years doing nothing though. Actually, knowing I'm not doing something pragmatic gave me the motivation to at least excel at it. I have a lot of ambition. There are many positives about the last two years: 

1. I wasted less time than ever before on instagram, youtube, drinking, going out, partying, smoking weed
2. I spent more time than ever reading books and doing personal development stuff
3. Moving out and away from my mom (about 7 hours distance by car) helped my personal development
4. My uni and degree is very stage green and I managed to open up to it. I learned a lot about the good and bad sides of stage green, and integrated a decent amount of that, I think. I'm also at the point now though, where I'm sick of some of stage green's facets from a higher, not lower perspective
5. I had health problems (injury in my groin since I was 16), which I managed to completely resolve
6. I got a lot better at basketball which isn't super important but was fun
7. I learned a lot about how to study effectively and got good grades
8. Also, I actually enjoyed the studies quite a bit, but I realized my Life Purpose doesn't lie there
9. I developed a passion for writing
10. My passion for understanding, studying, thinking increased

Edited September 18 by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

I also realized, though, that life is about to get serious very soon. I realized that I can't -- and don't want to -- live of my dad's money forever. I'll have to get a job, build a business, or find some way to fend for myself. 

Now there's a decision coming up. How do I realize that? And not only how do I get a high-paying job, or business, but how do I get that while also thinking ahead in the future. I don't want a high-paying job. I want freedom that will help me self-actualize. Freedom, that will allow me to experience more of life, so I can continually edge further towards my Life Purpose. But to be honest, I also want money. I want material success so my father is proud of me. I want it so my brothers are impressed with me. And people in general. I'm aware this is a trap. But I'm not sure this will stop me from walking into it. 

Concretely these are the two main choices I face now: 

1. I could pursue a new degree in something pragmatic, like computer science, or some engineering degree. 
2. I could just finish my bachelor's degree, go all in with the business I'm building right now (I'll talk more about that business later), and get a part-time job to cover my finances while I try to build up the business. 

Number one would give me the recognition I crave so much. It also could form a good basis for a business -- especially computer science, I think. It would also be safe. I'm also in a very privileged postion where my dad would pay the tuition and costs of living for me. For the most part at least. Geez, I notice how easy I have it, just out of pure luck, and yet I sometimes feel like I've already messed up my life.

Number two would be quite risky and would expose me to a lot of experience, which is good. But it would also be the one where I'd disappoint my father the most. 

[Vali2003]

I had a good insight yesterday, while listening to Leo's motivational speech from 2021, which partly freed me from a load that's been bearing heavy on me for the last few years. I realized I haven't experienced enough of life to know my Life Purpose, which leads me to a problem. I get enarmoured by ideas about all kinds of things. Becoming a musician? That must be amazing! Becoming a tech-entrepreneur? Fantastic. Marine biology? tell me more. I hear about something interesting and directly, I create an idealized vision of what life would be like if I realized that. All without an inch of actual experience. This leads me to become like a leaf in the wind, which blows in the direction of my newest vision.

Now to the part where that realization freed me. It's simple. I realized I just need more experience in these things. No need to become fully emerged in those things. I believe doing a thirty day challenge, where I complete a small project in Computer Science, would tell me if this is for me or not. And would free me from my ever-present FOMO. All I need to do is write up maybe the top 5 things that are most intriguing to me and create small projetcts for each of them, and follow through on them. This would tell me my domain of mastery (which is the part of Life Purpose I struggle with the most). I just realized that Leo actually tells us to do that in the Life Purpose Course. I couldn't see the truth in it, though, when I completed it...

 

[Vali2003]

Speaking honestly, and transparently about my current degree has been easier for me the last couple of days. Normally I’d be ashamed about it, and be overwhelmed with regret. I would avoid the topic, or simply be dishonest when it came up. It came up so many times the last couple of days, it’s funny. Maybe it reflects that I’m thinking about it more and therefore bring it up more often or lead conversations there. I even spoke about it with a stranger at a fast food spot, lol. 

Edited Friday at 08:08 PM by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

I will try to write more beautifully in this journal, as time goes on, but for now gaining consistency is my main goal. 

I will do at least 2 entries per week. The plan is to do this over several years, and actually document my full journey of escaping wage slavery first, then finding my Life Purpose and building that up until I can live from it. 

[Vali2003]

Looking back on this in a few years will be amazing.

[Vali2003]

It’s weird to write so honestly here, knowing it’s available for other people to read. It makes me feel vulnerable. And it makes me feel like y’all will think I’m a bum. Or looser would be more accurate.

I think this is exactly what’s so powerful about these journals. It is, in a sense, real self-disclosure. Because even though anonymity mostly remains, we still showcase our authentic being here — maybe even more authentic in some cases than in real life. In that sense we also make ourselves vulnerable to be hurt. The point I want to make is, by opening up about difficult topics on here, sort of is already like opening up in “real life.”

It’s like boxing sparring. You do engage in a fight with the other person, but there are some safety conditions. Your sparring partner is likely someone who you sort of like (you know they don’t want to seriously hurt you), you can rely on them following rules as you stem from a similar gym-culture, and the sparring gives you the chance to focus on a specific aspect — like improving your jab for instance. Despite all these artificial things, a sparring will still prepare you for a real fight. Not optimally, but it sure helps.

This self-actualization journals is similar. I have to engage in a real challenge by being honest and making myself vulnerable. But I know that the members of this forum, and the conditions around it, form a culture of support and empowerment. This allows me to practice honesty and then take it to the “real world” 

 

Edited Friday at 08:25 PM by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

Being honest is my number one priority for this journal. It’s also a reason, I just noticed, why I don’t want to focus too much on how good my writing is in here. Because when I do that, I start writing sentences and words just because they sound pretty, and not because they’re honest. This distracts a bit from the honesty aspect. But maybe I’ll be able to combine the two better as I go on.

[Vali2003]

Writing honestly is basically contemplation. You have an intuitive feeling about a truth and try to transform this intuition to language. 
 

edit: actually, it’s not about transforming the intuition to language. It’s about transforming the intuition into insight and then finding the fitting language to describe the insight.

Edited Friday at 08:47 PM by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

I want to talk about my business for a bit (it’s not actually a real business yet, because I didn’t register it yet, but I will do that soon). 

it’s a online-marketing business. Basically my product is helping people convert more of their website traffic into newsletter subscriptions. I would do that by building a new dedicated landing page for them and creating a lead magnet (a valuable free thing that visitors get if they sign up to the newsletter) for them. I say “would do that,” because I actually haven’t built it for anyone yet, except for my mom.

I think an online business is the easiest to start, because you need basically no capital to begin (assuming you have a laptop). I’m unsure if this business model I chose is specifically smart, but I think in general improving conversions is something that’s always demanded by people. It leads to them having more leads (people to sell to), which will end up making them more money. I do know that other people succeed with exactly the business model I have so it should be doable. 

The specific how of increasing people’s conversions — and if this conversion action should always be a newsletter sign-up — is something that can still change in the future. I still have a bunch of things to figure out with that.

Edited Friday at 08:48 PM by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

I feel ashamed about telling people I do this. I would never tell my brothers (I have two older brothers) or my father about it. With my mom, I can talk pretty easily about it.

I can feel their reaction in my bones just by thinking about telling them about my business.

They would see it as a stupid, naive plan. They will project a picture of a stupid kid that just fell for some stupid pyramid scheme, and that they will have to convince now, not to do anything stupid and be responsible instead. If I’d tell them about my plans to become actualized, they would see me as an idealistic leftist kid that cannot accept the reality that life requires work. A kid that wants to cheat the system and find the quick way out.

But that’s not the truth at all. I’m ambitious. I work harder than most people I know. It’s just that I’m willing to take risks, to go unconventional routes. 

I sometimes image how I’d live life without these familial pressures. I’d feel so free. Like in a video game, where I can build whatever type of character I want without anybody shaming me for it. If only I’d realize that the familial pressures exist mostly in my head, and that the chains that feel so heavy in my mind, can be lifted by the absence of thought about them. 

[Vali2003]

I recently watched re-watched Leo’s video on How to become decisive and it gave me a lot of food for thought and a couple of insights. The first insight:

I will only develop so far in life, as the challenges I encounter require me to. 

This can either happen unconsciously, or consciously. And I’ve been thinking about what decision I could make after my bachelor’s degree that would push me to grow the most.

I’d gain the most new experience, by simply taking a part-time job, and trying to grow my business. This would be super ballsy. I’d have to go completely against the grain of what my gf, brothers, dad — my mom would be fine with it — would want me to do. This alone would be a very new experience for me. Then, I’d also have so much pressure to succeed, because I just couldn’t stand it if they were right and I would have to come back to them crawling, begging to take me in. The pressure would enable me to work harder than ever in my life, which would be good. And the risk really isn’t that huge. If I fail with my business, I still can get some job with cultural studies even if it’s nothing great. More so, I can just try again, and start a new business. 

But still, it’s not completely obvious to me that this is the best option. Because all the online-marketing stuff is relatively limited in the value I can provide. Maybe it would be smarter to, for example, do a three year computer science degree, and then start my business. I’d have a much more substantial basis to actually offer value to the world. It would also be a challenge but I’d have more of a safety net. 

if anybody is reading this, I’d really appreciate your input/help here :). 

[Vali2003]

I enrolled now for the CS50 course, which is a Computer Science Introductory course by Harvard that anybody can take for free. https://www.edx.org/cs50

My goal is not to complete the entire course, but do the first 6 Problem Sets which is about half of it. This should take me roughly 8-9 weeks if I work on it for 3 hours every day. I will continue working on my business if I find the time, but I’ve decided, this has higher priority than my business right now. As far as I’ve read the material is pretty dense for an introductory course and it will be tough. However, that’s what I can expect for Computer Science in general… so it’ll be good to confront myself with the reality of it and see if I like it. 

I sure like the idea of liking computer science. Let’s see if it holds up. 

Edited Sunday at 08:36 PM by Vali2003

[Vali2003]

Doing this course now is a direct learning experience from the first time I signed up for a bachelor’s degree. I jumped in to cultural studies without even knowing what it really is, which was stupid, granted… I had fallen in love with the idea of cultural studies while I remained ignorant of what it really is and if it’s compatible with me.

I won’t repeat that mistake. And that is why I now do CS50 to test the waters.

 

[Vali2003]

You may wonder why I don’t just go to my Life Purpose directly. The problem is, I don’t know what it is. And I had the thought that even if I knew it, I’d need a steady income, before Life Purpose — or at least it wouldn’t hurt to have. I need some survival base first, because

1) It will take time and lots of experimentation to find a good bet as to what my Life Purpose could be. I need to sustain myself somehow during that time.

2) and after I found it, I need to finance myself in some way while I  build up my Life Purpose and then transition to making money from it. I think needing money from my Life Purpose as quick as possible, would make me very prone to corrupting my vision for it. 

I could also, of course, just get a part-time job to keep my head above the water instead. Then, I’d try finding my Life Purpose and build it up, before I sooner or later can quit my part-time and work on my Life Purpose full-time. 

Sounds pretty decent, but it would put me in a desperate situation to find my Life Purpose quickly and make money off of it. 

[Vali2003]

Something bugs me about this though. Is it really logical to do another 3 year degree, to then build a business, and then use that survival security to find my Life Purpose? And then actualize my life Purpose? 

[Vali2003]

I’ll continue thinking about this tomorrow. Need to go to sleep now…

[Vali2003]

To everyone reading this right now: If you don’t drink sparkling water, you’re seriously missing out on life. ⚡️⚡️⚡️