After 7 years of Spiritual Work, i Finally Feel Joy

[SQAAD]

I started watching Leo’s videos and meditating when I was about 25. I became obsessed with Enlightenment because Leo marketed really well the idea that Enlightment is the real gold, everything else is horsesh!t (which is very very true).

Enlightnment became the most important thing in my life. I no longer cared about material success (which was a trap).

At some point, I tricked myself into thinking I was awake just because I understood the ideas well — which now feels kind of funny.

These days, I realize that many of Leo’s ideas about Enlightenment weren’t quite right. I’m no longer chasing some imaginary goal or debating what Enlightenment is supposed to be.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve started feeling a kind of joy that doesn’t come from anything in particular. I’ve never felt this kind of joy before, except briefly while tripping. It’s not tied to what’s happening around me, and while it comes and goes, I feel it every day.

I’m still suffering, since I’m in a really tough situation right now. But this Joy gives me the support i need not to kill myself.

If I had to guess, I’d say it comes from the fact that I’ve been concentrating relentlessly the past 7 months. Plus, I’ve meditated on and off for years and watched hundreds of nonduality videos.

I don’t experience God or anything like that. I just have a deep sense that I’m something formless, quietly watching everything unfold.

My biggest obstacle is my mind. It tells me "you can't be experiencing Joy, because Leo said you should be meditating 24/7, every day for 1000 lifetimes to reach that" .

All these doubts and what other people said create some turmoil in me because the finite ego mind can never reach 100% certainty.

All i know is that i am able to sit and do nothing in particular throughout the day and feel a Joy that was never there before.

My biggest obstacles moving forward is Fear, and my Finite Stupid Mind which its job it to make my life miserable.

Edited Wednesday at 05:37 PM by SQAAD

[Aaron p]

Nice I'm noticing joy starting to rise too. Just in the last few months. For the last decade I've been tearing my ego apart and I've also got to a point now where I know that such an absolutely enormous energetic purging has now come to completion. And I'm just leaning into Love. I personally do plan to go for the big cheese, really it's not even a choice for me...but the little moments of joy are so nice, especially when they start to come consistently. I think it's best to really capitalize on these kinds of moments, really satiate the heart with the love and joy. 

[Aaron p]

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Edited Thursday at 12:30 PM by Aaron p

[Cheese]

That is great to read that you got something of your spiritual practice. I could have some unconditional joy right now, but the only thing I am aware from my 10 years half-assed spirituality is an extra 40kg and some debt. I guess I grow in size and not in wisdom.

Seems like your internal super-ego voice is reffering Leo as an authority:

 

"The superego is the inner voice that is always putting us down for not living up to certain standards or rewarding our ego when we fulfill its demands . . .

In fact, our superego is one of the most powerful agents of the personality: it is the "inner critic" that keeps us restricted to certain limited possibilities for ourselves."