judy's gratitude journal

[Judy2]

went for a hike with ... and my wonderful brother in the Swiss mountains:) it was beautiful and something i'd like to do more often (maybe not with .... but as a general sort of thing).

there's also lots more to be said and lots of conflicts around this whole thing that i had planned on sharing, dissecting, and acknowledging....but i probably lack the energy to do that tonight, and perhaps it's also good practice for me to let even those challenging bits be [no, no, no, it's not!!! that only makes me EVEN more vulnerable, and i already am so vulnerable, so please just let me write about it, it gives me something to hold onto instead of just being in this empty void without any sense of safety....]

[Judy2]

if i could, i'd like to re-name this journal....either way, i think i'll have to change my strategy in here and transform this into more of a dialectical journal....to give conscious space to acknowledging both the good and the bad. cause forcing myself to only write the good stuff feels inauthentic, and i think it's important to acknowledge and register negative emotions as well. they might convey important information, after all... without overemphasising the good or the bad...i think there must be room to see both. (hate to say it but this is what our dbt diary card looked like at the clinic i voluntarily left earlier than planned....oopsie. i feel a bit guilty for doing this on my own now, for being so pro-recovery...that's very evil of me.)

 

so, today:

difficult/annoying/stressful:

• being around dad
• eating in stressful, unsafe environments
• driving in the car for a total of six hours
• worries about body image, i dislike my belly, i am scared that my face is too round, i am worried about the long-term trajectory of my appearance and the character that i will be presented as to the outside world

 

positive, beautiful; moments of joy and happiness:

• hiking
• the mountains
• nature 
• some moments of feeling really positive and hyped while hiking
• walking up the mountain for 2,5 hours....even though it was exhausting, it was really fun! and i'd like to do this more often
• waterfalls
• lots of different plants and flowers, some butterflies
• my legs are toned
• i felt fit while hiking
• saw my upper body in a mirror a few times and thought that at least that and my arms still look slim and lean and okay!
• seeing my brother♡
• some moments of positive connection with my dad and brother; some positive conversations where we felt connected and at harmony
• being able to rest and relax in my bed now

[Judy2]

• i'm sitting outside and it's nice, with the soft wind on my skin

[Judy2]

negatives/challenges:

• being around dad can be stressful 
• body image concerns
• had some challenging emotions and thoughts this morning
• not getting on with my thesis and i don't know how to proceed

 

positives/gratitudes/feel-good-moments:

• tidied up my parents' house and it lifted up my mood
• went cycling around the village this evening when i felt that i had the energy to do so 
• our garden is nice
• went outside for an evening walk and had a positive, relaxed call with my mum (for once!)
• dad drove me into town and picked me up again from the  library today, which is quite a privilege/luxury and i should appreciate that
• dad and i watched a documentary about colours and the impact they have on our psyche. it was interesting and inspiring.
• mum and grandma had a nice holiday and are spending quality time together...so i'm glad that they are well

[Judy2]

• good mood this morning?
• weighed myself and the number was quite reassuring
• wearing one of my favourite dresses (the one with the white top and long flower skirt) and i feel quite comfortable and relatively okay with my physique for now
• had a protein iced coffee
• bought myself some freshly cut pineapple while waiting for an appointment in town 
• sitting in the sun right now
• i tend not to notice, because it happens gradually and i'm often focussed on the areas where things are still off and causing me suffering, but my relationship with food has probably already improved and stabilised a lot. i'm a little less overwhelmed at the shops, don't feel as triggered or as though there are too many options to choose from, i don't feel as though i have to buy everything, i don't feel as though everything i buy has to be eaten that same day, i can have dried fruit and nuts and nut butter around without feeling nervous, and without wanting to (or having to) finish it all in one sitting, or even two or three...so, pretty good that this has started to cool down, and perhaps this trend will continue and i'll be able to become even more intuitive and regulated around food:) i really hope so. extreme hunger (which i still experienced from time to time a couple of weeks ago) has also disappeared completely and i'm not bingeing or anything...my caloric intake is probably very consistent and similar on most days - still pretty high though - even without me counting calories (only very roughly but i'm not making food choices based on that).

Edited August 11 by Judy2

[Judy2]

• doing good today:) good mood, good body image:)
• my belly seems flatter and more okay than on other days
• had a nice time at the gym:) it's fascinating to me how a few days ago, my belly seemed problematic and way too big, and now it's almost fine and thin and my silhouette as a whole feels a lot more acceptable.
• my hunger- and satiety cues today seem reasonable and reliable...it feels good to think that maybe i am starting to heal in this regard, and starting to better understand my body and be well-regulated around food.
• trying to relax:) and just letting myself have a good day

Edited August 11 by Judy2

[Judy2]

negative/challenging:

• i'm still quite unproductive and don't know how to proceed with my thesis/lost motivation to keep trying
• only watched videos all afternoon because i felt that i had no energy/motivation to be productive
• it's still stressful to be around dad when he gets home from work, and he was quite noisy this evening, and he makes ugly sounds when he eats and even when he drinks water

hopefulness:

• writing consultation and counselling tomorrow; maybe this will help and give me a new idea as to how to proceed.

 

• played the piano; it felt good.

Edited August 11 by Judy2

[Judy2]

• had a helpful call with my counsellor
• overcame the initial resistance and got back to working on my thesis
• played the piano

Edited August 12 by Judy2

[Judy2]

• good body image:)
• relatively calm, stress-free mood today

 

[negatives: still procrastinating on my thesis, because my routine is that i get up early, drive into town to go to the gym....and then once i get home i feel like i need a long break and don't have the volition or energy to be productive. ...gotta find a way to fix this somehow!]

Edited August 13 by Judy2

[Judy2]

• pushed past the overwhelm and resistance and worked on my thesis for a few hours this evening:) i'll keep it up tomorrow. 
• body image is still pretty okay/good this evening:)
• i am hoping that i'll keep making progress with my thesis tomorrow:)
• as exhausted as i was after my workout this morning, i think it had a pretty decent effect on my entire body. my arms and legs feel good. also, my belly is doing fine/better than last week - i'm very glad about that. 

Edited August 13 by Judy2

[Judy2]

• i slept well
• good body image this morning
• i feel comfortable in my body;  my belly is doing well.
• feeling motivated to keep working on my thesis today:)
• no appointments today so i am free to go about things in a slow, relaxed pace. i really appreciate this and this has been very much needed.

[Judy2]

acknowledging what's challenging/difficult:

• triggering thoughts about the ed and everything related to it - i mean it's also good to confront these emotions, but it's still challenging. part of me feels ugly and bad about myself. maybe when i think about how profound and "smart" the ed is, and i feel like i'm stupid and ugly for being the character who let go of embodying that and can now only theorise the profundity while looking ugly and being too stupid to engage in those behaviours...""".... like i said, it's challenging to confront all this. i feel ugly. i feel as though i'd be more beautiful and everything that is good about me would be more beautiful if i wasn't so stupid as to choose recovery. (this is where the split gets so intense that i project my disdain onto the bottom half of this list and tell myself "all those gratitudes are annulled by the fact that you're so ugly and bad now"....and i don't even feel that ugly today, but energetically it's still a thing...ugh...
• it's an odd thing, but recovery and health have been associated with guilt for a long time, and this keeps popping up sometimes. it hurts to be dealing with this.
• i feel guilt and like maybe i am doing something bad by trying to be healthy and nice to myself. i feel as though it might be bad of me to no longer hate myself and hurt myself. maybe people like me better and find me more beautiful when i'm mistreating myself. maybe i shouldn't have stopped doing that and it's bad of me that i try to heal and be healthy. maybe by doing that, i'm ruining any possibility of me ever being loved, or accepted, or good enough, or beautiful....ouch [feels like this supersedes what would be appropriate to write in a "gratitude journal"...] ...why am i so stupid as to "confront all these thoughts and feelings" when maybe i could just accept the beauty of how it works when one lives as an overtly vulnerable, frail, fragile self? i feel stupid for being too lazy to keep hating myself. it feels bad to choose life, and health, and recovery. i'm really stupid for doing that.

 

gratitudes:

• i like the current length of my hair
• this afternoon i noticed that i was procrastinating, noticed that it didn't feel good, and stopped myself
• made some progress with my thesis after all:)
• feeling inspired to write down a schedule for myself again to keep track of daily routines:)
• my triceps feels different because i trained it yesterday
• this evening i spontaneously went cycling around town, in the dark, with my hair down. i felt the cool wind in my hair and on my skin. it felt nice.

[it's hard right now to resist the very familiar thought that all of these don't count because i'm ugly and bad and not good enough...]

[it hurts that i am kind of happy, i kind of feel good, i felt happy when cycling, but i also feel an inner conflict. ouch.]

Edited August 14 by Judy2

[Judy2]

acknowledging what's difficult/challenging:

• i feel as though i am too much
• i feel guilty and embarrassed for having expressed too much of myself on here (my emotions, contemplations, struggles)
• i feel as though some of you guys are judging me because i'm still struggling while in recovery. maybe this feels bad because i fear that i'm doing it wrong, or i feel misunderstood, or i feel as though you guys don't believe me that i'm really trying to do better atm.
• i feel worried that people may think i'm too much when i have so many emotions to share all the time. maybe it's wrong to share all of this publicly...not sure. 

 

acknowledging what's good, positive, what i am grateful for:

• my mood is alright this morning (edit: it's good. i feel positive, hopeful, safe, and good and comfortable in my own skin...)
• i had an enjoyable session at the gym and it felt as though i had more energy than on Wednesday 
• it is valid that i want to look good and feel good in my body
• i am hoping to be productive and make progress with my thesis today 
• dad and i plan on going cycling by a riverside this evening, and if it's anything like last evening's ride in the cool night air, it'll be quite nice:)
• i finally got the ratio right and really enjoyed my shake this morning

Edited August 15 by Judy2