Tackling life problems one at a time

[Deziree]

I'll need a daily check-in like in the hospital. I also need multiple hospital visits over a period of a month now because of my multiple medical issues. The bills will pile up. I have to be determined. I have several hospital visits this month. Giving myself a dose of hope Dear Planet Jupiter. 

[Deziree]

Today's life lesson is a good one. Such a mindful podcast. 

 

[Deziree]

I am determined to complete my tefl program. What else? Exercise hard and lose weight. Get back on track. Deal with emotional issues too. Follow mindset mentor. Today I'll create a frame chart for my problems and let's see how that pans out. 

[Deziree]

Another hospital visit today. Sometimes I'm tired and exhausted and I prefer to keep to myself. Had enough conversations for the day. I wish life was more meaningful and colorful. Like doing great amazing stuff. Or just relaxing on a holiday. At a beach. On a yacht. Just chilling. Forgetting every day worries. The more you neglect life the worse it gets. Then problems begin to pile up like dust on a cover. 

[Deziree]

Some of the people I know went to California today. It does raise my anxiety around the whole California protest thing. 

[Deziree]

Absorbing news hasn't been the best thing lately. 

[Deziree]

Tomorrow another hospital visit. A regular check up. 

[Deziree]

Interesting discussion on vitamin D causing time dilation. Didn't know that. I have another hospital visit today. And two more to schedule next week. Don't want to get into too much detail but yea regular health checks. 

[Deziree]

What about taking Vitamin D, start making changes today. 

[Deziree]

I need to start taking Vitamin D from today. Exercised a bit today, not much. Just jogging. Build that mindset. Get going. 

[Deziree]

People's opinions still affect a lot. I think this is just being a part of a commune, it goes hand in hand. But I have learned an important lesson. Take in what comes in, graciously, little moments, people without an ego, be around humble folks, let go what doesn't belong to you. Deal with that unbelongingness, remember you can't change people, they are what they are, sometimes reading people's opinions is just nauseating, kinda vicious and lacking in understanding of the sensitive state of mind, let go then, there will always be that pitting against one another, social stuff, it's hard to integrate in a commune where opportunities are never given, let go once again, think about better opportunities, bigger wider doors, matured people who are level headed. Read between the lines. Genuine people always want to read the room and make sure that nobody feels uncomfortable or incomplete. 

[Deziree]

You shouldn't have to be this way. You don't need to be that way. You have to be your authentic self. I know negativity is just so hard to beat. Sometimes you just feel like you are on your own, right? Yea it does. Genuine people just don't act that way. Family members just act weird around me. And I have to forcefully keep a smile on. Which, obviously, I do not like. Because, maybe maybe, I'm not the most awkward person, yet, I get pissed off too little too fast. Just calm. Think of all the good things that are worth appreciating. Not the bad stuff. In your mind rejection has to be strong, stronger than anything. It's just that certain kinds of people make me sick. 

Edited Thursday at 05:05 AM by Deziree

[Deziree]

Today my ironing guy passed away. He is missed. 

[Deziree]

I took some antibiotics today. Been feeling off and fighting an infection. 

[Deziree]

Do certain people make me feel unwanted? A definite yes, including my own family. I will have to look up some YouTube videos on how to deal with passive aggression. A kind of aggression that's not acutely visible on top. But you still kinda feel it underneath, like a current flowing, like subdued gestures, you just know it, it's not that warm, for someone dealing with trauma, this can feel barren and escalating, they can react strongly. It can be off putting. You just need your own closure, what happens when people laugh at your evpense, or when you get dogged around for nothing. Or worse when you don't feel accepted. 

[Deziree]

I feel like eating meatballs. 

[Deziree]

So holistic. 

 

[Deziree]

Took my family member for a scan and regular check to a hospital right now. 

Just waiting anxiously. 

I just want holistics from now on. 

 

[Deziree]

Came back from the hospital. Everything is fine fir now. Thinking of the man living in my apartment who is my fruend now. 

He has an air of superiority about him. Almost everything he looks down upon. You might wonder why. They are born that way. Just a shallow cheap way of looking at life. He will pit one woman against another, classic game playing eh! His surplus energy keeps moving. Dive tailing. Presumably his ego. His ego just cannot be satisfied. It's just whimsical at best. Kena must be living holed up in his apartment, utterly miserable, always wishing everyone just worshipped him. But never getting enough. He never likes anyone at all. He assumes humanity is very shallow, just nothing to appreciate there. He loves playing with computers. Smart guy. I wish I had half if his brain. He never looks like a psychopath but acts like one.. I just have to comb through his thoughts. If I get too close to him, I might suffer a burn, not good for me psychologically speaking. He has the uncanny ability of gaslighting in his mannerisms. 

Edited Thursday at 02:59 PM by Deziree

[Deziree]

Sometimes you can feel the difference between socio-emotional states. The kind of feeling that people around you give you. But you need to develop a thick skin. You cannot be internalizing all the shit that people throw at you all the time. There's body language, there's tone, there's behaviour, all that counts.. Do you understand how humans interact, and there's a pattern to it. These patterns are deeply woven into the human fabric. It will take years to decode social mannerisms and understand the true motivation and intent beneath. You know what's good. Just losing it all behind and forever moving on from that gutter into better more lively stuff. It's just mistreatment. Discrimination. Unfairness. All of the above and there's a thread of disparity that runs beneath it. I want to be better at decoding body language. 

I have recently discovered several  patterns that I need to incorporate moving forward now, one is "read your own book"... Second is "develop thick skin"..... "attain closure through commenting and rumination, perhaps negative rumination "..... Third is "move into more lively stuff, meet doctors, meet people who care"... Fourth is "feel deeply appreciated yourself first and foremost" how does that feel? Just knowing that you are actually appreciated. A new beginning eh? These are self esteem uplifting patterns. Fifth is find alternative means of communication. Sixth is "mostly keep to yourself." Seventh is "decode body language early on".... Seventh is "seek peace in your energy in whatever manner possible." 8th will be "don't move or rattle your peaceful energy, keep it strong and focused, don't let it be disrupted by outside forces"... 9th will be "how to respond to so and so" different people need different responses. It's easy to get emotional when you see people around you saying different things at you,to you, rather than with you. You have to be able to carefully differentiate that. Make preparatory sentences on how to respond rather than react. Reacting is like a fist fight, punches thrown, it's easy and it's the most impulsive thing to do. But responding is sort of getting closure and clapbacking and off loading at the same time. So have the patience to respond with as much as sarcasm as possible, be careful not to gaslight though, you don't want to be a devil here or a smart marketer, you just want to put up a brave defensive front with grace of course. 

 

So here's the run down 

1st. Read your own book. 

Float in your own energy. Because this feels more comfortable. Remember interaction is exchange of energy and not meant for the sensitive heart. 

2nd. Develop thick skin 

3rd. Resolve internal conflict. There might be a desire to avoid internal conflict and seek it elsewhere. Might be a disturbing thing to dive into. But when the internal system is a bit conflicted, confused, unstable or just plain internally weak, this internal weakness is very easy to pry into, it's very easy to rattle this core energy because there's no firmness to it. This energy becomes very "predatory attractive" or very volatile, fertile and very luring to predatory energies. It's vulnerable, soft like butter for a hot knife to cut through it. So it's easy to just feel like you're falling apart with the slightest of negativity. It's already hard to deal with negative predatory energies in and of itself and if you are even mildly sensitive, it gets much harder to get past that. So yes  resolve your core internal energy, internal conflict, don't be soft like butter. Also the desire to avoid internal conflict diminishes as you begin to feel more peace with yourself. You will distract yourself from inner conflict because it's hard to handle it. You will also distract yourself from inner conflict if it's too conflicting or too strong or too stubborn like a tsunami floating inside. It's like a wound. If the wound gets worse and worse, and if you cannot cure it, you just abandon it. That's a human tendency. We do the same thing with emotional wounds. 

 

Edited Friday at 03:00 AM by Deziree