Clarity

[Artsy]

I am in my first adult relationship, we have been dating just over two years - we have issues around maturity and communication to resolve - what I would appreciate perspective on is that when we have more emotional conversations I feel a negative rise in my body that pre-empts, and persists after - this has compounded into a sense of physically holding negativity that I associate with my partner. I am basically anxious that the way we process conflict is having a physiologically traumatising response because of a mutual lack of empathy in our conflict resolution, and subsequent sustained level of background stress - is this a valid concern, or a manifestation of some mental gymanstics to avoid taking more responsibility in my relationship? Both? Thank you for your help.

Edited Friday at 07:53 AM by Artsy
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[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71olwYS6_i8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7H10exUfUs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD1ny_Q8sKo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Azg0BrD9jGU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFH-jl7UW9g

 

Edited Friday at 12:10 PM by Raze

[Lauro Chapa]

Contemplate deeply about your fear of vulneravility and past unresolved trauma. Contemplate for multiple hours: "Why do I feel this way?". Oh, and go to therapy, it helps you a lot in your introspection process.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Hello Artsy,

1) Have you much experience with emotional conflict resolution? 

2) Do you and/or your partner remain on point, or do you think conflict dissolves into attacking each other? Do you perceive it is reduced to a 'winning' contest, where you each deviate to other points in an attempt to 'win'? 

Ultimately, it sounds like you are getting 'charged up' in an emotional soup, unable to decifer what you feel clearly, only that you feel something negative. I have been there myself and overcome this pattern. 

I have found that sometimes bad emotions longer when, either 1) there has not been a reconciliation and reaffirmation my mate is on my side and 2) we have not yet resolved responsibility. 

You speak of trauma. It may be useful to hold in your mind, that trauma at its root, is the inability to reconcile responsibility. If you still have not plainly worked out who is responsible for what, you will fall into those pesky thought loops and rumination. This will mean your body will feel the bad charged up energy as a response to the ruminating thoughts. This can leave deep wounds. 

Ultimately, conflict is very difficult when one or the other is charged up with hot emotions. You may need to look at your boundaries and communication. 

Often we do a disservice to ourselves and our partner, by attempting to be 'nice' and not bringing issues up. This is a form of self betrayal in an attempt to avoid the pain to the partner. Unfortunately, this is actually not the correct path! It usually results on resentment in the background. 

Women in particular, can be very very bad at this version of honesty, as they are naturally more prone to seeking harmony and agreeableness above all else.