My first SERIOUS Mushroom Trip. Trip Report.

[UpperMaster]

Shroom Trip Report – 3g Psilocybin Mushrooms

Setting:
Started at a bird reserve (warm, fresh day, good mood), then shifted to a more comfortable park under conifer trees. 

Onset:
- Felt strong body energy (like Chi-ish) centered in the chest and stomach and everywhere else too.  
- Early emotional memories of deep love for mother and grandmother surfaced.  

Peak Experience:

I began to remember my childhood self,  not just memories, but the feeling of being me as a very small child. I realized that who I think I am today, my personality: 20 years old, into self-development and philosophy —> is just a story.

It's a recent narrative, constructed over time.

Before that, I was someone else.
Before that, someone else again.

Back then, there was no "I" (I as in perceived identity) as I know it today.
The "I" that I know today came later, the identity was crafted later.

I took this process deeper — further back — before birth:

Who was I before I was born?

Where was I?

At some point, it became obvious that I had always been there.
Not "me" as a personality, but a deep, formless "I" that simply is.

I couldn't define it.
I couldn't put a form to it.
Even calling it "source" felt wrong,  it was just being, pure, formless existence, or even rather deep formless non-existence, or Im not sure something in between I can't explain.

In that place, everything was perfect.
I felt love, I think it was existential love, full feeling without any form attached to it.
It was a knowing that everything is great, that there was nothing to fear.

Fear, survival, separation, none of that existed there.

Only being.

Then, slowly, I opened my eyes.

Reality — or the "physical" world — started pulling me back.
During the trip, the physical world wasn’t even the main plot. Whether or not it existed didn’t matter. The main thing was my experience of life itself — and that was something I knew the source of all along (I remember thinking of "course its me and I already knew this").

As I came back, I felt a heavy sadness.
"Oh fuck, but why?" — because I was leaving that state of pure perfection, and returning to being a someone.

I felt the burden of existing as an individual again.

I felt the obligation to protect myself, to survive, to defend this separate body.

I felt disgusted at the heaviness of having to be someone. Because with it came the obligation of survival. 

I remember thinking "Why was I even born? Why did I have to be created?"
Because now, having been created, I faced the fear of death, I don't want to die, I faced the burden of survival — but without creation, there would have been no fear.

I wished I had simply never been created at all — no need for survival, no fear, no separation.

[gettoefl]

Excellent. Thanks for sharing. Keep reminding yourself that the infinite is all around you and by gazing on it you can merge into it.

[UpperMaster]

On 4/30/2025 at 3:10 PM, gettoefl said:

Excellent. Thanks for sharing. Keep reminding yourself that the infinite is all around you and by gazing on it you can merge into it.

[ExploringReality]

@UpperMaster

You are courageous. Check out Leo's episode "what is the point of life". It will deeply move you. Keep going!!! You will move through tough phases but the journey is what counts. You are eternal, but you set out on an adventurous path. Namaste 

Edited May 6 by ExploringReality