Always One Step Away: Burnout, Divine Curse, and Strong Will

[jimwell]

This is probably the most vulnerable post I've made on this forum. I hesitated to do this because it probably won't lead to a satisfying result. Serious challenges and problems are rarely rectified via a forum post. But I decided to proceed because venting to the universe makes me feel a bit better, at least. And perhaps, a miracle might happen.

After many years of trying to return to Japan and spend most of my existence there, I have burned out. Going back to Japan has been the biggest goal of my 30s. Entering Japan for a long-term stay is difficult for citizens of 1st-world countries. It's especially difficult for somebody such as me, who is a citizen of a 3rd-world country.

I have applied for jobs at Japanese companies that can sponsor employment visas dozens of times over the years, but every application has failed. When I create a resume, I pour my heart into it; it is tailor-made for each job application, but I have never succeeded because most Japanese companies prefer applicants from English-speaking countries who are already based in Japan.

I eventually abandoned that strategy after feeling discriminated against and demoralized. I figured I could obtain a long-term tourist visa or an investor visa if I accumulated significant money in my bank account. So, I started an online business - a listing on an online marketplace. I coded a piece of software that detects old versions of MS Office on a Windows PC, uninstalls them, and upgrades them to the most recent version - Microsoft 365 or Office Professional Plus 2021 (the latest at that time), for free. This process is accomplished with a single click via CMD scripting and automation. I used Microsoft's CDN to download and install Office, and I integrated a script that bypasses Microsoft's licensing mechanism. I suspected this might violate IP rights, but I did it anyway because I hoped my actions were legal. I had an old laptop running Windows 7. I performed a clean installation of Windows 10 on it and was surprised that the OS was automatically activated. I thought Microsoft allowed free Windows upgrades, so I applied the same logic to MS Office. My strong desire to accomplish my financial goal led me to embrace potential corruption, especially given how wealthy Microsoft and Bill Gates already were.

My online business expanded rapidly, ranking in the top 20% in terms of revenue in just three months. I felt I was on my way to success until I received an email from the marketplace informing me that my listing had been removed due to an IP rights violation report initiated by Microsoft. The dream abruptly ended. But that failure did not deter me from pursuing my goals. I tried 2 other businesses or strategies; details of which I’ll omit to keep this post as concise as possible. Those 2 strategies also eventually failed.

I was too strong-willed to surrender, so I contemplated another strategy for several months. I decided that obtaining a student visa would enable me to live in Japan long-term. I researched Japanese universities that accept students from my country and offer courses taught in English. The process was very laborious. I took and passed an English exam and prepared all the required academic documents. The paperwork exhausted me, but the most difficult part was the anxiety and trauma I experienced when I returned to my high school and college to gather the documents. I was too internally destroyed (anxietyy, depression, low self-esteem, etc.) when I was in high school and college; I created various traumatic experiences and memories. I could feel the CPTSD thoughts and feelings as I entered the gates of those schools. The intensity of the anxiety made me realize I still needed to do more healing and integration work. But after a few visits, the CPTSD was almost non-existent. I began to feel like my true self and  I saw everything differently. I even had a spiritual experience. It became clear to me that how you see and experience things and people doesn't depend on what or who they are but on what or who you are.

The Japanese university granted me enrollment in the International Relations program. I researched potential jobs in Japan that I could do while studying to financially support myself. There was only one thing remaining - approval from the Japanese Embassy. But even that ended in tragedy. Here’s the public review I left for the university, which received dozens of likes and approval from anxious potential students:

" TIU wasted my time, energy, and money - I paid a $2.3K enrollment fee. I was admitted to TIU, but they canceled my admission because I didn’t pay the $5.7K tuition fee by the deadline. I didn’t pay on time because TIU required payment before I received my student visa, and there was no guarantee that the Japanese immigration authorities would grant it. I risked losing a significant amount of money, which made me extremely anxious. Moreover, TIU does not list any refund policy on their website.

I was admitted on December 19, 2022, and I immediately asked for instructions on what to do next. But, TIU ignored my emails for over three weeks - they only responded on January 13, 2023. Their first email was a threat: it warned that I might not obtain my student visa on time because the immigration process takes 2 or 3 months, and if my visa was not granted by March 27, 2023, my admission would be canceled. Furthermore, TIU never mentioned that my money would be refunded if my student visa were rejected. All of these factors heightened my anxiety that I would lose the $5.7K tuition fee if I paid by the January 19, 2023 deadline, especially since I only had two months to obtain the visa.

Ultimately, I decided to pay the enrollment fee only after receiving my student visa. Why would I risk paying $5.7K when there was a significant chance I wouldn’t receive my visa? I would simply lose all that money.

On January 20, 2023, the day after the deadline, TIU canceled my admission because I did not pay the $5.7K tuition fee. I offered to pay immediately on the same day if they would guarantee a refund of $5.7K if my student visa was rejected. But, TIU refused my offer and did not refund my $2.3K enrollment fee. TIU essentially ripped me off. I simply did what was sensible. It was all TIU's mistake; their enrollment procedure is akin to a scam. I feel relieved I did not pay the $5.7K tuition fee because I could have also lost that money to TIU."

This tragedy left me feeling severely depressed, and I felt as though I were divinely cursed.

I recovered after a few months of depression, contemplation and introspection. Then I decided to learn financial trading as a last resort to obtain the money needed for a long-term Japanese tourist visa. To make it short, I lost a significant amount of money (equivalent to tens of thousands USD) rather than profiting. I was too naive; I underestimated trading. I mistakenly believed that predicting upward or downward trends was easy, but trading is much more complex than it appears. After several months of trading, I was left both financially and emotionally drained.

In the past few months, I have been experimenting to create an effective trading system. I succeeded in that endeavor. This year, I became profitable. My trading system yields a return of 13.4% per month, and I feel very happy about this. But another distraction derailed my trading activities. Last month, a neighbor returned from overseas and tried to poison my dog. My dog almost died, which put me in a state of urgency. I stopped all trading activities and contemplated how to protect my dog’s life and punish my neighbor.

I took my pet to the vet and researched animal poisoning. I also installed security cameras and looked into criminal behavior, especially narcissistic and psychopathic crimes. Based on this research and observation, I concluded my neighbor is a psychopath. He has already poisoned at least six dogs and cats and attempted to poison my dog. Only a psychopath could do this.

Now, I’m standing up to this psychopath, and my life is at risk. This situation is an extreme distraction, and I feel exhausted.

I see a recurring pattern. When I’m about to accomplish my goal, something completely outside my control emerges to derail it. I have contemplated this deeply and realized that God or something spiritual might have cursed me. I never believed in dark magic, but now, I am inclined to believe it’s real. How else can I explain my repeated tragic experiences?

 

 

I’m trying to re-establish my trading activities despite the threat to my life and my dog’s. I am burned out, but I will continue walking my path. Creating this thread is a good start because expressing my thoughts and frustrations slightly rejuvenates my soul.

I need to return to Japan as soon as possible. I'm at my best there; my life purpose, intelligence, creativity, and spirituality peak when I’m there. I know this because I’ve already lived there.

 

 

[Elliott]

@jimwell you're taking on very ambitious goals, that means high risk high reward, which means you're likely to stumble some times.

[jimwell]

7 hours ago, Elliott said:

you're taking on very ambitious goals, that means high risk high reward

Yes, life resembles trading: high risk, high reward; upward and downward trends; pullbacks; highs and lows; entry and exit; support and resistance. I have always been amused every time I discovered trading's fractality in life.

[jimwell]

I don't know why Youtube recommended this to me. I don't watch his videos.

That hurts a bit. The world has never been fair. 

This PewDiePie's Japan video has garnered almost 700,000 views in only 13 hours, while the Japanese castle video embedded in my original post has garnered only 33 views after 5 days.  

The Japanese castle video contains at least 100 times more beauty (and spirituality) than PewDiePie's Japan video. The world is indeed absurd. 

Edited April 12 by jimwell
added another explanation why the world is absurd

[samijiben]

Dear Mr. Jim Well,

I am incredibly astonished, amazed, surprised, impressed, and sorry for everything you have been through. You are a true warrior of ambition, a man of passion and balls of steel.

First, let's talk about the man who poisons dogs. Call the cops, man. That guy should get fucked himself! You nor your neighbors should not have to worry about some madman poisoning the neighborhood pets. That's despicable, that is! I wouldn't take matters into your own hands since that could end in a poisonous doom. 

As for Japan, it does seem like you are HELL-bent on going there; and if that's really true, I am sure you will find a way. There has to be a way.

As per the dark voodoo nonsense, black magic, hocus-pocus shmagiggy shtuff — look at this way: Circumstance is the Enemy of your goals, ambitions, and desires.

But not in such a way where Circumstance is an Evil Entity out to get you, a dark energy deliberately sabotaging your efforts, or whatever else you might imagine as that which is pitted against you, committed to shitting on your day.

 

No such thing is true!

 

In fact, blaming some dark energy sauce whatever is just going to make shit worse, for the worse. Not better. Better be more inventive and find different way to get Japan, and do it cool, calm, and collected like ninja. Also, take care of the man who poisons dogs first. Gotta get your shit in order

 

1st Priority = Safety

2nd Priority = Get to Japan

 

THEN the real problems will begin!

 

In all seriousness (of which there is none), I am incredibly sorry for what you have been through and extend any compassion in my heart to you, Mr. Jim

 

Peace, Love, and Mighty Wherewithal!

[jimwell]

35 minutes ago, samijiben said:

Dear Mr. Jim Well,

I love your style. 

 

36 minutes ago, samijiben said:

I am incredibly astonished, amazed, surprised, impressed, and sorry for everything you have been through. You are a true warrior of ambition, a man of passion and balls of steel.

That sounds good. Thanks!

 

37 minutes ago, samijiben said:

First, let's talk about the man who poisons dogs. Call the cops, man. That guy should get fucked himself! You nor your neighbors should not have to worry about some madman poisoning the neighborhood pets. That's despicable, that is! I wouldn't take matters into your own hands since that could end in a poisonous doom. 

It's complicated because I don't have direct evidence (videos of him feeding poison to my dog). However, I know it's him because every time he returns from overseas, a dog or a cat suddenly disappears. Last year, a stray black cat I rescued from starvation suddenly disappeared. The cat was already very thin and near death. I fed the cat until he became healthy and strong over the course of four to five months. I even named him "Lucky Boy" because he was lucky enough to have met me. Lucky Boy would come to my home several times a day for his meals.

But one day, Lucky Boy did not come back. I waited for him for three days, but there were no signs of him. Then I remembered the psychopath neighbor who had just returned from overseas and was seen burying something in his yard. I then recognized a pattern: whenever a dog or cat mysteriously disappeared, that neighbor would bury the animal in his yard.

I felt so angry, so I decided to confront him. I directly asked him what he had buried, and he replied that it was a cat. I asked whether it was a black cat, and he answered yes. Then I asked why he had poisoned the cat. He calmly said that he did not poison it; he simply found the cat dead on the street. He sounded believable, so I just returned home.

Then, last month, my dog almost died and showed signs of poisoning. I was confused about what had happened because it was the first time my dog had behaved that way—I never thought he was poisoned. I had never seen my neighbor returning from overseas, so I never suspected that my dog had been poisoned. Thankfully, my dog eventually recovered, and I took him to the vet to confirm the poisoning. I also brought a sample of a chemical attached to a piece of plastic that I had found in my yard. The vet confirmed that the chemical was poisonous, but she couldn’t confirm whether my dog had been poisoned because several days had passed since the signs first manifested.

I was puzzled, so I contemplated for a few days. Then I realized that my psychopathic neighbor might have returned without me noticing him. So, I decided to observe his house. First, I noticed that his car window changed from transparent to black, which meant I couldn’t see anyone inside his car. I continued observing until I finally saw someone doing something in his yard—and alas, it was him! I began to suspect that my dog was indeed poisoned by him. I contemplated again for several days and discovered additional signs that confirmed the poisoning. Days before the poisoning, I saw his wife walking back and forth in my front yard. That was strange behavior—I had never seen her do that before. Who would normally walk back and forth in my front yard? She was monitoring whether I was inside or outside the house.

For context, my house and his are duplex units that share a common wall. My house is gated, and although my dog goes in and out of the house, he never leaves the gate's vicinity. When I’m inside, I obviously can’t see what’s happening outside. The psychopath’s wife appeared to be an accomplice; she was keeping an eye on me. Then I had an aha moment: right after she finished watching my front yard, she returned to her front gate and softly said, “He's outside the house. Not now.” This happened three times before I finally connected the dots.

There are other signs that I cannot detail right now because it would be too laborious. However, I can provide another one: my psychopathic neighbor tends to avoid me. Whenever I leave the house, he immediately goes into his own. It seems that he is afraid that I know about the evil thing he did and will punish him for it.

 

1 hour ago, samijiben said:

As for Japan, it does seem like you are HELL-bent on going there; and if that's really true, I am sure you will find a way. There has to be a way.

I love the positivity, Thanks. I will die trying because as I explained in my original post, my life purpose and spirituality are in Japan.  Nothing else matters.

 

1 hour ago, samijiben said:

As per the dark voodoo nonsense, black magic, hocus-pocus shmagiggy shtuff — look at this way: Circumstance is the Enemy of your goals, ambitions, and desires.

But not in such a way where Circumstance is an Evil Entity out to get you, a dark energy deliberately sabotaging your efforts, or whatever else you might imagine as that which is pitted against you, committed to shitting on your day.

I used to think that way, but as I detailed in my original post, it really feels as if an evil entity is actively sabotaging my efforts. When I'm about to succeed, when I'm just one step away from success, something completely outside my control emerges to derail my progress. In fact, I've observed other similar "derailing" events that I did not include in my original post.

 

1 hour ago, samijiben said:

1st Priority = Safety

2nd Priority = Get to Japan

Amen. That is why I installed security cameras. Actually, I fantasized about catching the psychopath red-handed and caught in the security camera so I would have an excuse to break his face and soul.  

I don't give a fuck if he dies. He doesn't respect life, so his life shouldn't be respected. That's fair.

I have been wanting to move to a condominium ever since threats to my life and my dog's emerged, but it's not easy. I live alone in a spacious three-room house. This is considered a dream house by many people around the world, especially in my country, a third-world nation.

But I need to get out of here as soon as possible. Perhaps someone can rent or buy this house, and I would leave immediately if that happens. I exist to materialize and actualize my ambitions and highest potential, not to deal with a psychopath.

 

1 hour ago, samijiben said:

In all seriousness (of which there is none), I am incredibly sorry for what you have been through and extend any compassion in my heart to you, Mr. Jim

 

Peace, Love, and Mighty Wherewithal!

I can detect the goodness in your heart. I wish there were more people similar to you around the world, especially in my vicinity.  People such as you make the world a better place to live in.

Thanks!

Beautiful music is playing in the background while replying to you. So, here it is my friend:

 

[jimwell]

From time to time, I hear people say "appreciate the little things" when describing nature such as trees gracefully swaying in the wind and flowers blooming along the streetside, and it always boggles my mind that they refer to these things as "little". 

My entire adult life, especially in my 30s, I perceive these little things as the biggest things. I revere them because in them, I see sacredness, beauty, and intelligence, and I experience divine connection.

It took a massive heart attack and an NDE for this Youtuber to finally see what I have always seen: timestamped at 3:40.

 

And now, this Japanese YouTuber has returned to record the castle in dark mode. In a pure and sane world, this video would garner millions of views after 24 hours.