Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

[soos_mite_ah]

Things I Have Accomplished During My Time Off Work 

I'm working again and I'm done with my time off. I wrote a post of all the things I wanted to accomplish during my time off and I want to reflect on that. My thoughts now will be highlighted in blue:

On 5/13/2026 at 10:44 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Things To Do During My Time Off

If everything goes according to plan and the paper work is done and processed, I'm going to be taking a leave of absence from work for about 8 weeks starting on 5/19. I journalled about my inital thoughts about what led me to this decision here: 

Since I will not be working 8+ hours a day, I have decided to give my days structure in other ways and come up with a list of things I want to do during my time off.

75 Hard

The 75 Hard challenge is a social media challenge where you do the following for 75 consecutive days: 

• 2 workouts everyday for 45 min, with at least 1 being outside (the workouts also need to be 2 sessions at least 3 hours apart) 
• Drink 1 gallon of water 
• Progress picture everyday 
• Your desired diet plus no alcohol and cheat meals
• Read 10 pages of a non-fiction book a day 

If you are unable to do anyone of these, you have to start the 75 days again.

My leave of absence is roughly 75 days long and I think I'm in a mindset where I can really benefit from this with a few tweaks. Since I'm not working, this challenge is something that will be more realistic for me because I have the time and energy to dedicate myself to it.

I think this will also help me give my days structure while also promoting healthy habits like working out, eating healthy, getting enough water in, and reading more. I already have a habit of working out but I want to do that more. I'm pretty bad about drinking enough water (I'm not drinking sugary drinks everyday, I'm just a dehydrated bitch lol) so I think this will jumpstart that habit. I want to read more since I have been putting things off. As for my diet, I'm thinking of leaving my diet the way it is for the most part except I want to moderate my snacking (1 really good and nutritious snack a day as opposed to random nibbling) since I tend to snack more with free time, and I want to cut out sugar. I'm not thinking of cutting it out completely. Fruits are fine. Just no chocolate, desserts, or sugary drinks. I'm not adjusting this diet due to weightloss or aesthetic goals. I'm mainly trying to do something that feels good for my body and that can challenge me a little. 

The tweaks I'm going to make to this challenge are the following: 

• No progress pictures: I have a history of body dysmorphia and disordered eating and taking pictures everyday can cause me to spiral. Plus, I want to do this in a more intrinsically motivated way rather than focussing on how I look. 
• Instead of reading 10 pages of non-fiction, I want to read 1 hour each day of any book of my choosing: I think both fiction and non-fiction can both be beneficial in their own way in the way they work different intellectual muscles.  I did the hour a day but after a while, I just went back to the 10 pages instead. But I think it's still been good for me to establish the habit of reading books more often regardless of duration.
• Instead of having to start the 75 days again, I'm going to add any make up days if I screw up: So if at the end of the 75 days I screw up 10 times, that means I have 10 extra days that I will have to follow the rules above. The program has been criticized for being very all or nothing as opposed to promoting healthy habits and I think this all or nothing mindset can result/ fuel disordered eating, especially for someone who has a history of that. I did mess up a few times but I decided to not add make up days due to the changing schedule of work. I'm just taking the L. I know I didn't complete the challenge and I would love to one day but I'm glad that I kept going and that I got to the 75 days to the best of my ability. 
• Depending on how I handle the gallon a day, I might take a page off of the 75 Soft challenge and do .75 gallons of water a day: I'm only 5'2" so my water needs do vary compared to the average sized person who needs more water than I do. Like, I want to be hydrated but I don't want to pee every half hour. I had to switch over to a half gallon to .75 gallon because the gallon of water a day was messing with my blood pressure. 
• I also want to add another thing to this challenge, and that is no social media / short form content / or random mobile games: I can watch longer youtube videos and listen to music but no Youtube shorts. I also think I will need to wean off the random games and reduce it ideally but I think my priority is not taking in short form content and social media. I deleted my social media apps for the last 3 weeks and I think that has done a lot of good for me mentally. I did the no social media but I had to engage with some short form content when planning my trips. It wasn't that much though. I also failed on the random mobile games. 

The list of things I want to do while on break: 

Physical Activity Related: I have been drawn to being more physically active over the last month and a half. There is no set fitness or aesthetic goal for me. I have been going to the gym for straight vibes because my body has been wanting to move more. Maybe it's a reaction against having to work a desk job. But over all, when I am physically challenging myself, I do feel more alive. It's like whenever I'm pushing myself, whenever I'm out of breath, whenever my muscles are sore and I tell myself I have 4 more reps to go, I'm forced to be present. Working out lately has felt like a moving meditation of sorts and it has been essential in maintaining my mental health. Here are somethings I have found enjoyable and that I want to do more: 

1. Work out more: Lift weights + Continue doing cardio 
2. Yoga classes: I haven't done a yoga class in a while because life got busy.
3. Maybe some pilates classes: Again, having done this in a while because life got busy 
4. Swimming: I have been enjoying this and I think this can serve some of my cardio goals 
5. Ice Skating: I have been falling in love with doing this all over again and I want to be able to do this mid-day on a week day when the rink at the mall isn't crowded. I can do a whole post on this tbh.
6. Enjoy the outside: I live in a semi walkable area and multiple parks near by. I go to these parks often but I want to do that more. Plus, I like feeling the sun on my skin and seeing random people take their dogs on walks. 

I've done everything except go ice skating. It was great.  

Intellectual / Spiritual Pursuits: One of the weirdest things about working in corporate is how I feel like I am learning a lot but not feeling educated. I attribute this to how learning is filtered through increasing profits instead of developing an understanding of yourself and the world around you like it was in school. I miss how much I would learn in the classroom and in my day to day life back when I was a student and I was exposing myself to new experiences. This is how I'm planning on replicating that: 

1. Read the books from my undergraduate degree: I have been putting this off for a while as a goal and I think this will be the perfect thing to do at this time when I'm not utilizing my mental energy towards my job. 
2. Read the fiction books I have been putting off: I'm going to be honest, my ipad baby tendencies have done a number on my attention span and I think reading fiction is the perfect way to recuperate that because you have to infer and interpret the themes on your own instead of the intellectual spoon feeding that can happen when you're reading non-fiction. I think this can also help hone in media literacy skills. 
3. Keep up to date with my favorite Youtubers: This means watching things on my Watch Later list, especially when it comes to the longer form, documentary style content that is about 1 hour 30 minutes or longer (yes, that includes revisiting videos from Actualized.org) 
4. Journal + Reflect: I can do this at home, on a walk, or go to a coffee shop 
5. Meditate: Just allowing myself to be and enjoy the present moment
6. Continue going to therapy

I got to do everything and I'm happy with what I got done. 

Random Things I Want to Do with More Free Time: 

1. Go to the grocery store midday on a weekday: I used to do this in college and I miss doing this. Did this. 
2. Maybe go to the mall and buy some new clothes: I haven't done this in years and my clothes are looking rough. Didn't do this. 
3. Try 2 new recipies weekly: I have been eating the same 3 meals in different fonts for a while due to the depression so I think some variety would be good for my soul and my cooking skills. 2 recipies every week was a lot so I didn't do all that but I did try a number of new things so it's a win. 
4. Sleep in guilt free: I have no problem still being productive even when I wake up late. I think my reasoning for this is not to sleep until 1pm every day rather it's to listen to my body instead of expecting myself to be energetic and alert at 6:30 every day on a week day. I was pretty consistent with waking up between 8 am to 10 am everyday. I had a day or two in the beginning where I slept in until 11 but that's about it. 
5. Deep clean the apartment once a week: Mopping, scrubbing the shower, vaccuming, laundry. I didn't deep clean the apartment every week. I did it like 3x but I think that's reasonable since our place doesn't get dirty like that. 
6. Have a guilt free bed rot day and not worry about wasting time. Did this.
7. Have more sex: My sex life has been suffering / nonexistant due to the increase in stress and I want to connect with my partner more. Did this.
8. Get back into art: This can be drawing, painting, or simply coloring. Didn't this.
9. Hang out with my friends more: I have a friend who is going to be in town who I'm looking forward to hanging out with. I also have a couple of friends who are unemployed and I think it would be nice to hang out with them more outside of the weekend/ evening hours. Did this. 
10. Go Furniture Hunting: My apartments needs side tables, a bed frame, and a dining set and I have just been putting it off. Didn't this.

Travel: 

1. Go to Washington D.C.: I have been thinking of going to D.C. for the 4th of July as it is the 250th Independence day Did this.
2. I need to plan out my trip to Africa: I haven't been really doing that since I have been overwhelmed by work and other things in my life. Did this.
3. Maybe go to Australia for a week or two: I'm seeing a lot of naturey things to do there and I always wanted to experience Christmas in July. Those two things coincide with my leave times and things I'm gravitating towards so I might seize the moment. Going to Australia this year specifically wasn't part of my original plan when it came to going to all 7 continents by 30 but I'm open to the idea. Didn't do this but I did plan out that trip.

Broader things I want to Accomplish with the Time Off Work: I don't think I'm going to accomplish all of these but this is what I'm orienting myself around / working towards when it comes to working through my high functioning depression. 

• Reconnect with myself and my sense of joy by engaging in hobbies and moving my body: Was Successful
• Work out issues in my social life regarding navigating adult friendships: Still in the process of figuring this out but I made good progress
  • I think I'm still a little socially anxious but I worked out a lot of the grief, self deprecation, and difficult feelings I was experiencing. I'm still learning to navigate this area of my life, however, I'm not making this process harder than it needs to be by overthinking or internalizing things. I think getting off social media was the right move for me. I'm going to make another post about this specifically. 
• Figure out if I want to have a child: Still in the process of figuring this out but I made good progress
  • I did do a lot of reflection and that helped me get to a point where I'm not ruminating, I processed my thoughts and feelings, and I have expanded my perspective so I no longer feel trapped by this conflict even though it's still here. I'm mainly in a place where I feel like I need more life experience to figure out if this is really what I want to do. Basically, I need to put myself out there and then reflect rather than focusing inwards. 
  • I wrote over 20 posts long ass posts about this topic in my journal: 
• Feel less stagnant in my life and personal development by focusing more on my life and less on increasing shareholder value Was Successful
• Allow myself time to work through my issues and actually reflect on what I'm experiencing instead of just trying to regulate and keep things moving without deconstructing why I do what I do.  Was Successful
  • I wrote in a post that things that would typically take me a week to process would take me a day or two while I was on leave since I had the extra time, space, and energy to deal with things. And things that would take me a day or two to process took me like less than 24 hours while I was on leave. 

I know I have listed out a long laundry list of things to do but I do not feel intimidated by this. Instead, I find it to be quite exciting because it's all things I want to do but don't always have the time and energy to do such things. It feels less like someone piling on papers and assignments to work through and more like a menu to your new favorite restaurant that has all your favorite foods that you get to try one by one without worrying about the cost because it is free. 

In conclusion, I found myself feeling like this coming into work:
 

Edited July 30 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

ummmmm.....

[soos_mite_ah]

More Friendship Grief 

I would put this under the Processing Negative Feelings journal but I wanted to put it here because I put my friendship related journal entries here typically. 

I talked about the grief before and I wrote about it. I'm still going to include it here since it provides important context: 

I would say much of what I have written in these posts have subsided. I'm not in denial of all the ways that the landscape has changed in adult life. I'm still experiencing the anger I described here but more so in the form of saddness (more on that later). The self deprecation is there sometimes but less so. And I'm moving towards more acceptance over time. 

But over the past month or so, I found myself feeling a new wave of grief specifically about what I have written about this post: 

I'm having difficulty with accepting that my relationships are more shallow now because I still have deep feelings of love and care for my friends. I'm hesitant to have certain conversations with them because I don't know if they care in the same way or if they fully moved on. And that also makes me feel kind of pathetic and tossed aside. Like a big reason why I don't reach out is because I feel like a creepy man in people's DMs since I'm the main one initiating. And I don't want to add icing to the cake with a "what are we" conversation. Yes, I'm laughing and that's a joke, but I'm also dead serious. I'm scared of this being our dynamic: 

I had 3 events that triggered this new wave of grief. 

1. I had a friend (friend 1) reach out to me after a while. I was overjoyed when I saw that she wanted to see me. I was thinking that we can finally talk about what's been going on in her life and mine. Then, I realized that the invite was for the whole family and it was for her brother's birthday. That bummed me out quite a bit and it made me think *oh, she's reaching out of family obligation since our families know each other and it's a family get together.* But I tried to remain positive and thought that it would still be nice to see her. 

I get to her house and everyone is just talking in a group setting. They talked about car racing, Fifa, going to Japan, and other more lighthearted topics. Which is fine, but also, it's not really how I connect with people. Personally, I don't really connect with people on shared hobbies since my hobbies and interests are more niche and I've always been like a weird kid growing up. But I would make up for that by having an active interest in people's lives. And I remember sitting in that conversation and contributing a little here and there but feeling like I have no clue who anyone is or what's going on with them and they have no clue who I am either. That felt isolating. 

I finally had a moment to talk to my friend. It was just a 15 minute conversation and I'm glad I got know a little about what's going on with her. But, I still felt sad because it still felt very surface level, like we were having this conversation in passing. And right when we were probably gonna get deeper into talking, my parents were like *ok let's we gotta get home.* And not gonna lie, that crushed me. I was going to offer to hang out later in the month but as we were talking, she mentioned she was going to be quite busy in the weeks ahead so I didn't bother. 

2. I had another friend (friend 2) reach out for some kind of family religious thing at her house. I pulled up and we started talking about our lives. Then, the moment I was about to open up about some things that were going on to stray from the rosy picture of my life, her mom came in and said that it's time for us to go and do the religious ceremony. The dang ceremony lasted nearly 3 hours. And afterwards, we got food and started talking. Of course we started off light. My other friend from situation 1 was there as well. And again, the moment that we had the chance to go deeper into the conversation, it was time for us to go.

There was another thing in that conversation that kind of annoyed me. We were talking about homeownership and settling down and it felt clear that my other two friends and I had very different goals and values for what kind of future we wanted to build for ourselves. It's not like they said anything bad, but I guess it hurt because I realized that I probably cannot build a life with these people. Maybe we could have explored each other's perspectives more to where we wouldn't feel so misunderstood but the conversation didn't have a chance to develop into something deeper. Like I'm not opposed people wanting a different life than me. But I think it stings because I feel kind of isolated in my vision for settling down in Dallas specifically since I don't aspire to a surburban life. 

3. Then, I reached out to friend 2 asking if we can hang out sometime that week again before she leaves for college. I just wanted to have a deeper conversation with her. She said that she can't but then she invited me out to go dancing at this club. I went ahead and I said yes. Sure it sucks that I can't have a real conversation, but at least we were making memories. I do appreciate how both of these friends still incorporated me into their lives to where we have shared experiences. I know being in this loop of catch up friendships can be tiring itself without having new shared experiences balance things out. 

I pull up and sure I had some fun, but I ended the night feeling really sad and empty which turned into me spiraling in the next couple weeks. Even at the club. I was enjoying myself but then half way through I felt a wave of grief wash over me. It felt like these once really close relationships just devolved into superficial party friends where we barely know each other. I felt like a glorified acquaintence since I didn't know the internal workings of anyone anymore. And they didn't know me either. I wish I could talk about this with them but I'm scared that I'm going to be painted as being ungrateful because they still managed to squeeze me into a schedule that is booked out by 3 months at all times. I feel like they moved on without me or that they only tolerate me in a group setting and they don't care to know what else is happening in my life nor do they care about sharing on their end either. I also get a weird feeling that they're all hanging out without me and that unless I reach out, they would never include me into things independent of family or religious events. Like I feel like I'm not being actively chosen, only being tolerated. 

At the same time, I do know some factors in their lives that make them genuinely busy so I'm not taking it super personally. I don't see this busyness as a personal problem in either side of our relationship. Instead, I see this busyness as a systemic problem affecting us personally (see the first linked post in this entry). So I'm not blaming myself or them. I can also understand if they're all hanging out without me because I don't have much surface level things in common with them. And I know friend 1 specifically said that rather than talking about what's going on in her life, she needs a distraction or hobbies that stop her from ruminating since her job is mainly centered around constantly dealing with heavy matters. Maybe she sees her friends as better suited to help her through this tough time over me. And that's fine. I know I have gone through some things where I thought certain people in my life are better equipped to handling and I didn't see other people who I didn't go to as lesser. I just wish I had my own people I can also go to. 

 

But yeah, I was hit with this new sense of grief where I feel like no one knows me, I don't know any one, and I don't have the opportunities to engage with people on a deeper level without it coming off as intense and just simply not right for the setting. I feel like my needs for connection aren't being met and that sometimes makes me doubt where I'm at in people's lives. Like I feel like a couple years ago I was at a place of *ok I'll give people space and I'm sure they'll come back, they just need to deal with some things.* Then I checked back and I see that they have found other people and essentially moved on and I'm still here reserving a spot for them in my life. And I'm happy for them for finding people to help them through these difficult times and I'm glad they found their people. But I'm sad for me because I'm still just by myself and I have yet to meet people like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly waiting and twiddling my thumbs. I have been trying to put myself out there and make new friends organically but I have yet to find success. So I'm just left with this void. And not to be corny (I don't even like Taylor Swift tbh), but I feel like those lyrics where she's like *and then everybody moved on. Help. I'm still at the restaurant.* 

Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me
Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I, I'm right where you left me

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"
I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop
Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared

I wrote about this more a few weeks ago: 

On 8/26/2026 at 11:59 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like I'm experiencing a lot of grief regarding how my relationships are changing now that I'm an adult and our lives are structured differently. I'm getting better coping mechanisms and better mindsets to deal with a lot of difficult emotions but it can be difficult and intense at times. There are some posts that I saw on social media that really resonated with me to where I found myself crying when I saw them: 

• "I saw my friend having fun without me and suddenly I felt embarrassed for thinking we were close. It wasn't that they went without me. It was how quickly my brain turned 'I wasn't there' to ' I don't matter anymore.' Then, every late reply, every plan I found out about later, every 'we should hang soon' started feeling like evidence. I wanted to ask 'are we okay?' Insterad, I liked the post and tried to look normal. Because how do you say 'I know you're allowed other friends, I just need to know I still matter,' without sounding jealous? So I checked who was there, how long they'd known each other, and whether they looked happier than they do with me. Then, I felt embarrassed twice. Once for being left out,  and again for caring this much. Friendship anxiety isn't always 'don't have other friends.' Sometimes, it's 'please don't quietly stop choosing me while I'm still choosing you.' Maybe that photo wasn't proof, but the fear didn't come from nowhere. It remembered every friendship that went quiet before I knew I was losing it. For tonight, one photo can be one photo. It can hurt without becoming proof that I'm being left behind." 
• "I noticed I wasn't included. I just made sure nobody noticed that I noticed. They mentioned plans I didn't know about. I smiled like I already knew. I asked one casual question so I wouldn't sound as hurt as I felt. Then, I went home and started checking where I stood with everyone. Who gets invited first. Who gets the full story. Who gets remembered without asking. I kept saying it's probably nothing. But my body had already gone quiet. The worst part wasn't missing the plan. It was pretending I didn't care so I wouldn't look needy. So I got a little smaller, replied less, waited to see if anyone would notice. Sometimes friendship anxiety is acting completely normal while quietly mourning your place. I didn't need to be included in everything. I just wanted to know I still belonged somewhere." 
• "Nothing happend, I just slowly felt less included. Nothing happened, I just stopped feeling like I belonged there. I heard about plans after they already happened. I noticed I was always reaching first. Then, I went home and replayed everything. What hurt most was feeling embarrassed that I cared. But wanting to feel included isn't needy. Some friendships don't end, they just feel different. That quiet distance can hurt more than people know. You're not too much for wanting to still belong." 
• "I know they're allowed to have other friends. I still stared at the picture like I'd been replaced. It wasn't only that they went without me. It was how quickly my made it mean I mattered less. Suddenly, every 'we should hang out soon' felt like something they only said to be nice. I compared everything. How easily they talked, ho happy they looked, whether they seemed happier without me. And the embarrassing part? Nobody actually left me. I was already grieving my place in their life. So I got quieter, replied a little later, acted like I was busy, just to see if they'd notice I was pulling away. When they didn't notice right away, my brain called it proof. Not proof that people have lives, proof that I was optional. I didn't want to control who they cared about. I just needed to know that caring about someone else didn't erase me. Maybe the feeling wasn't 'I want to be your only friend.' Maybe it was 'please don't mkae me easy to lose.' Tonight, I'm trying to let the picture just be a picture, not a goodbye I have to survive."

 

Then there is the trauma from the friend breakup. Like genuinely FUCK THAT PERSON and the way that they handled that situation. I was never the type of person to assume that everyone secretly hates me until after that break up. That situation hit me out of nowhere and there was no explicit conversation to help mend things. I just saw them getting distant but I initially wrote it off as *they're busy with xyz and dealing with some heavy stuff right now* and I was giving them space to sort that out without being over bearing. But then after that situation I started thing *maybe they were building up resentment and moving away from me for a while and they were making up excuses.* And I know better than to also apply that same dynamic to other people who are not related to this situation at all but it does make me wonder where I stand with people. Like I don't think most adults are openly confrontational when they don't like someone unless you're seeing them on a regular basis. I feel like most adult who don't like you will tolerate you in a social setting to be cordial and the not initiate in making plans afterwards to slowly phase you out. And because of the trauma of this situation, I don't know if my other friends are trying to slowly phase me out as well and I'm just the dumbass who still cares. 

And the frustrating thing about me trying to deal with friendship in adulthood is that I feel like I have been journalling and contemplating this for years now and I feel like I haven't made much progress. The more I learn about friendship in adulthood, the more lost and confused I find myself. I'm sure I'll look back on this and be like *well, I did eventually figure things out and now I have a beautiful life with great friends and I found my people* because everything eventually works out. It often just takes longer than anticipated. But right now, I find it difficult to believe that things will get better. 

 

Like I don't want much. I just wish people would hit me up every couple months and ask me how I'm doing and give me the space to talk about things the same way I would give them space to talk about their lives in detail. It's not like I'm here expecting everyone drop everything for me and hang out everyday. I'm not blowing up people's phone with a million calls and text messages. I'm not asking for constant reassurance. But I'm still human and I still need SOME reassurance since I feel like I'm navigating a lot of ambiguity. 

People also think I'm secretive but that's not the case. They just don't ask. And because they don't ask, even though I want to share, I feel like I don't have their consent to open up and I don't want to trauma dump on them. Tbh, they probably don't ask because they don't want to be intrusive so I'm not holding too much against them for not reading my mind lol. People also think I'm deep and intense but I think I have a different base line of what a "heart to heart conversation" even is because I'm in a constant state of existential crisis. So while they feel filled up by seeing me and having a surface level interaction at a party, I'm here feeling more disconnected than ever. 

 

I also think this wave of grief is also hitting me hard because I'm also unpacking a lot of symptoms of childhood emotional neglect right now. I also feel gross about my life and my body because it doesn't feel like it's in alignment with 

Edited September 17 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

How it feels knowing that R is in a relationship with a stalker wannabe trad wife and he's having a shit ton of financial issues of his own making.  Meanwhile, you're financially stable, in a healthy relationship, and your partner isn't a bum. 

The shit I have been finding about this man and his love life..... Like how crazy do you have to be to make R sound like the sane one lmaaooo!!! Why are you putting me in the position to defend that man! 

Honestly... they deserve each other because what the actual fuck. 

[soos_mite_ah]

People are Actually Stupid

I saw this tiktok earlier this morning and I find myself relating to this. 

"College naturally filters out certain types of stupidity so as a result, a college idiot and a real idiot are not the same in the same way the NBA filters by talent so it's like you have you NBA failure who is not the same as the YMCA hoop run failure. I was playing Hell Divers 2 when I met my first real idiot and when I say it was a shocking conversation, it was almost if I was at the zoo. The guy was an Indiana worker talking about how the "Fidels" are willing to work with a hard hat on their head and a flash light in the middle of the night and how he didn't want to do that because he wanted to go home with his kids and play video games. Then he said that the NFL went 'sissy woke' once they started doing Black Lives Matter protests. Meanwhile I asked him what he meant and he didn't have the words for that. I never met anyone like that in college. Now I met really racist people in college. I've met really disgusting people in college. I've met people in college who are the scum of the earth. But they can all read. I've met people out here who if I were to give them a Harry Potter book, it would sound like ...___....____.... like someone put a swtich on a gun. I think a lot of you guys are not in the South. That's the issue. When you deal with some of these communities that are really REALLY rural and you have more Confederate flags than you have teeth, and you start dealing with a real idiot, yeah that's an experience." 

I found myself thinking about R and some of my other coworkers as well as some of the clients I have to deal with. And genuinely, I don't know how some people function or navigate this world. Like I know I'm not the smartest tool in the shed. I didn't go to the best university and I wasn't exactly at the top of my class. But I'm definitely not smart enough to have this many people stupider than me. 

I keep having to remind myself that the people I went to high school with who couldn't read during pop corn reading and the people who had to type in 9+8 into a calculator because they cannot do mental math still exist and they didn't just disappear after we graduated. That archetype of person exists out in the wild and now, they're just your client who cannot follow basic instructions even after you have laid it out step by step with screenshots and big red arrows telling them what to do. 

I remember watching Leo's content and hearing him talk about how the vast majority of people are incredibly unconscious, dumb, selfish etc. And I thought it was incredibly misanthropic. I still do think it's a misanthropic mindset and I don't think carrying on this world view that everyone is stupid and awful is helpful in terms of engaging with and connecting with people in a healthy way. But my god... sometimes I look around and I'm like *are you fucking for real... you're grown, you should know better.* I'm genuinely baffled sometimes. I feel like I have been exposed to crazy people before. But I think given my education both in college and before then, I was sheltered from straight up stupidity. Like why are you 57 years old and you're falling for conspiracy theories?!?!?! Why are you in your 30s and you don't know how to be friends with people of the opposite sex without being creepy about it? Why do y'all struggle with basic contraception and how birth control works? WHY TF ARE 40% OF PREGNANCIES UNPLANNED????

Why are so many people just straight up losers smh...

I feel like my development has been like this: 

• Age 16-19: People are really fucking stupid. 
• Age 19-24: People are actually really complex and there are a multitudes of reasons as to why they act the way they do. 
• Age 25 to now: People are stupid and it's due to a number of factors. But people are still really fucking stupid in the end of the day. 

Other than the friendship stuff, this has been another difficult thing for me to come to terms with in adulthood. I have grown and changed considerably over the years becuase I am curious about the world around me and I introspect so that I can have a deeper experience with myself and the world around me to take everything in while I'm still around. And to me, that's my baseline. That's my normal. But apparently, it's not typical and some people either consider me a genius or a sage. I'm not having and existential crisis and overthinking things. Quite frankly, most of y'all are underthinking things or you're not thinking at all, and that's the problem. 

I also find myself thinking this in the context of my parents and just parents in general. I would say that there are degrees in which you can fail as a parent, kind of how there are grades in school. I would say a parenting score of 0 is like your parents sold you to Jeffrey Epstein and a parenting score of 100 is like god tier, Mr. Rodgers level parenting. I wouldn't say that my parents are massive fuck ups. I've heard stories of parents wanting to marry off their young daughters, parents who had CPS called on them, parents who abuse drugs, parents who raised their kids in an environment with abusers, parents who don't teach their sons shit and then those sons turn into menaces in society, etc.

I would rate my mom as a 64 (so a D-) and my dad as a 78 (C+). Like my mom did just enough to not be a piss poor parent, but she most definitely didn't pass with flying colors and I cannot have a relationship with her in my adulthood. My dad is good enough to where I can have a relationship with him as an adult, but there is definitely some straining that is in that relationship and various boundaries I have had to employ in order to have this relationship not devolve. And unfortunately, I think even though by dad got a 78, that's still a lot better than a lot of dads I have heard of.

I feel like my boyfriend is one of the few people in my life who I'm close to that had decent parents. I would say that his parents give me B parenting (like an 83-86 ish). Like they weren't perfect parents, there are some ways that they messed up, and in someways they aren't super tight knit. But they still managed to raise a well adjusted adult who doesn't need to go to therapy every week and who has a relationship with their parents. I think a lot of my friends also have parents in the C+ to B range where their relationships aren't flawless but it's not so bad to where they want to go no contact. And that sometimes makes me feel crazy because I have a D parent and whie she's not a complete failure (where it's a for sure *you need to cut your parents off* situation), I also don't think I can have a constructive relationship with her without it coming at the cost of my mental health. 

But for me, as I'm trying to decide whether or not to be a parent, I feel like unless I'm able to get an A or A+, I don't want to be a parent. Like, not even an A- is sufficient. And I'm not saying this to be perfectionistic or hold myself to an unrealistic standard. I'm saying this to say that I take parenting very seriously. And I find it appalling that people don't hold themselves to a high standard. Like not gonna lie, there are many instances where I look at my parents and I think *that's some loser behavior/ mentality right there.* And get this.... they aren't even close to being the worst. If anything, there are situations where people (mainly teachers) have said they are exceptional and attentive parents (especially in the context of my education). And from my perspective of my childhood, I can point to like 10 different ways that they have neglected me. So if even with all of that considered they still come off as attentive parents... wtaf are these teachers dealing with in school when they talk to parents??? What kind of blatant dumbassery are they dealing with to make my parents seem like a couple of saints? 

The reason why I bring up parenting is that in addition to me being shocked at the number of stupid people I have to deal with, I then proceed to have an existential crisis because these stupid people are also bringing kids into the world and traumatizing the fuck out of them. Don't get me wrong, I do think that in a broader scale, things are getting better and parents are getting more educated. There are plenty of people who are trying to heal from their issues and stop generational trauma. But there are a lot of people who just continue that shit or hell.... they create new issues to pass on to their kids. And as a result, I don't think that any one generation is going to be responsible for as a whole being less dumb or being better parents. 

Not to toot my own horn, but times like this makes me feel very lonely as a stage yellow/ green person. Hell, I think people who are high orange and green feel the same way as well. Like some issues seem so obvious to us and as a result, it seems so obvious on how to deal with the short comings. I think having spiral dynamics as a model is pretty grounding in that it makes me feel less crazy when I'm faced with the blindspots of others and it also helps me make sense of what my own blindspots are as well. I can understand why people end up this way and what factors cause them to get to a certain sprial stage and stay there. I can also parse out the healthy and unhealthy versions of each of the stages and what we can learn from them.

At the same time, I do think that the stages can be annoying to deal with and I catch myself face palming every time I see one of those dumb videos about people regreting to vote for Donald Trump because something Trump did finally affected them. But then they forget and vote for that same man again like 4 years later. Like I know damn well that in a few decades, all of these people and the historians are going to talk about Trump like he's some kind of master manipulator and charismatic leader that everyone ended up under the spell of. They're going to paint the adminstration as if they are scary and competent like they did with the Nazis. In reality both the Trump administration as well as the Nazis were stupid, incoherent, and hopped on a lot of drugs that completely fried their brain. And then, I'm going to have to sit with this in my 70s, looking around all the people who swore they never did anything to support that man or that they were under some kind of trance when they supported that man, and think *no, some of y'all were actually just dumb and now you're in denial.* 

[soos_mite_ah]

Everything is New, Nothing is Foreign

I have been travelling around for the past 3 weeks and thought I'd post some of my reflections and experiences. 

Morocco
The best way to describe Morocco is if the Middle East and India had a baby and the baby grew up in Arizona speaking French. One of my favorite parts about growing up as a South Asian American and after travelling around a bit is that everything feels new but nothing feels foreign. I felt that especially in Morocco due to my cultural background, the proximity I have to the American Southwest and the trip to France that I took about 4 years ago. 

This leg of the trip was also special for me because this was the first time my boyfriend and I travelled internationally together. It was also his first time out of the country as well. Before we went to Morocco, we flew into Barcelona and had a 10 hour lay over. It was just enough time for us to get out of the airport and take a brief look around. We went to La Sagrada Familia, a paella restaurant, a grocery store, and to a little live music event that was being hosted near by. I figured that I'd give X a bit of a transition before throwing him into Morocco for his first time out of the country. 
I would say Barcelona felt more European than expected. I know that sounds silly to say considering that it is a city in Europe, but I would say that there is little to no resemblance to Mexico other than the shared language. The cheese culture felt more similar to France and the cuisine didn't have much of a resemblance to Mexico either. The architecture was beautiful and I had fun people watching with X as well. 

We got to our hotel in Casablanca at around 10pm. The flight from Barcelona to Casablanca was less than 2 hours. We still got fed on that flight so that was nice considering we didn't have to figure out food after wards. As a result, we got to crash at the hotel as soon as we got there. 
We woke up to a bunch of cats fighting outside. I just remember hearing a bunch of meowing and screeching which was quite funny. Later, I listened to someone trying to comfort one of the cats. We woke up quite late, at around 11 pm, since from the flight to Barcelona to the time we got to the Casablanca hotel, we were both up for roughly 24 hours. After walking up and getting ready for the day, we explored our surrounding area, identified where the bus station was were we will have to go to the next day, and then got lunch. We ate at this really cute restaurant where we had chicken tagine and then afterwards, we went to a smaller shop and tried a French taco. There are little French taco spots everywhere. It wasn't a bad meal but it definitely wasn't a taco and I'm glad that at least Morocco has the self awareness of calling it a French taco instead of a regular taco. It felt like biting into a hot pocket that was made with slightly more love. After lunch, we went to the Hassan II mosque but unfortunately, the mosque was closing down when it came for the tours. I noted down the wrong time in my agenda because I booked this trip in September and the latest tour at the time was on 3pm and ended at 4pm but in October, due to the shorter days, the last tour is at 2pm. 

I still got to enjoy the mosque and see the architecture from outside. That has been a constant for me on this trip. I really love the architecture every where I went in Morocco starting from the hotels we stayed at all the way to the Ben Youseff Madrassa, the Bahia Palace, and the El Badi palaces in Marrakech. A lot of the artwork and architecture reminds me of both Jaipur, India as well as South Korea. Jaipur is also known for their palaces and their grand architecture as well. Though, I will say that Jaipur is more lavish with the way they also incorporate things like marble and precious stones. While the designs are similar to Jaipur, the materials is more similar to South Korea. I remember the palaces I saw there utilized a lot of painted wood. Morocco does this as well, hence the need for restoration every now and then due to wear and tear, but because of the similar materials, there is a similar finish to the final product. 

After the mosque, my partner and I walked along the sea overlooking the mosque. We then eventually stumbled upon a mall and decided to go in. The mall also had a supermarket inside which we both found to be kind of funny. It kind of reminded me of Dubai where there are pharmacies inside the mall there as well. But we went into the super market, got some tea there, observed patterns in the food there, and got some snacks to try. We also noticed that most people shopped at the mall and the super markets as opposed to the more traditional looking market places that were often more filled with tourists. The locals still shopped at the smaller markets, namely for basic groceries and vegetables near by but they still got a lot of stuff at the mall/ supermarket as well. 

Once we were done with the supermarket and the mall, we went back to the hotel. By then, it was around 8:30 or so, therefore we called it a night. The next morning we packed everything up, went to the bus station, and took a bus to Marrakech. The road to Marrakech felt a lot like being in Arizona. You have the arid weather, the red soil, the cactus, and a landscape that resembled the American Southwest. At times, it felt like I was back in the U.S. only to eventually come across a sign that is in Arabic.

Marrakech felt calmer and less populated than Casablanca. Due to the higher population and lower concentration of toursit attractions, I would say Casablanca felt more lived in and more approachable.  I would say that Marrakech  is relatively chill until you get to the heart of the city next to the tourist attractions. That's when you get into the chaos, the scams, and the European tourists. I got a hotel near some of the tourist attractions for the sake of logistics and part of me regretted it because it was like the Moroccan equivalent of staying in Time Square when visiting New York City. But in the end of the day, it was still a good move because we didn't have to deal with the taxi scams. We got to the hotel in the afternoon, we chilled for a little bit, and then walked around some of the market place areas. After dinner, I got to planning the iteninerary for the next day as well as coordinating other aspects of our trip. 

The next day, I went in for a hammam routine at the hotel. I went through the hotel thinking it was going to be a bit more tourist friendly and I thought I do that first to test things out as my first time doing such a thing. In other words, I did this at the hotel assuming I wasn't going to be butt ass naked. But I still ended up being pretty naked except a really think loin cloth. I have never felt more exposed in front of a stranger before. But eventually I got over it and it was kind of relaxing. They just did a really rough scrub of my body, put on a face/ body mask over me, washed my hair, and then I got to chill in this hot tub / sauna kind of area. It was also nice doing all of that after the last few days of travel. 

Afterwards, we went to the Ben Youseff Madrassa and the Bahia Palace. The Ben Youseff Madrassa was a university in Morocco and is known for its architecture. The Bahia Palace was a palace the Moroccan royal family lived in the 1800s. Both places were absolutely gorgeous and it felt romantic showing X around. In general, I found myself pointing out various things to X and explaining how it reminded me of India and various aspects of my childhood. In addition to the Bahia Palace, we also went to the El Badi Palace. It wasn't very far from the Bahia palace but it had a considerably less amount of tourists there. The El Badi Palace was an ancient palace made in the 1100s. Much of it is under reconstructions since it was rediscovered and people started restoring it after the French colonization period. There were some presentations about the restoration process, what the palace likely looked like, and the artisans that are deployed by the king to carry out such a project. 

We also decided to take a walk outside the main market place and the areas surrounding the palaces to get away from the chaos. I remember seeing things about The Secret Garden and the Jardin Marjorelle, however with additional research, I found that they are tourist traps of sorts so I decided to skip them. We took a stroll outside the Royal Mansour Hotel thinking to go inside since I heard about the beautiful architecture there and since we weren't about to spend 2000 a night, we were going to go into the bougie cafes as an excuse to look around. We decided against it because even though it's possible, X was getting weirded out by the security there. But nevertheless, we got a small look inside. Later, we went to a public park about half a mile from the hotel. The park was free (unlike the tourist traps lol), had some locals there, and was a really peaceful and romantic place to go on a quick stroll. So we still got a garden like experience without the costs and the crowds. We also found a couple of olive trees and X had the intrusive thought to eat one of the olives. I tried it as well and it was nasty. That's because olives need to be processed and submerged in oil and salt before they are edible. 

We also played with a lot of cats in this park. We played with a lot of cats in general on this trip since they would just come up to you and cuddle. One time at our hotel in Marrakech, we had a cat meowing outside and once we opened the door, it just made itself welcome in our room. It was clear that this is not the cat's first time doing this and that it likely does this routine in front of various rooms when it wants attention. 

The next day, we checked out of our hotel and went on a 3 day Sahara Desert tour. We first crossed through the Atlas Mountains and then went to a village called Ait Ben Haddou. The Atlas Mountains reminded me a lot of the Rocky Mountains and the Grand Canyon. This whole section of the trip felt like a standard American road trip. We also stopped at truck stop of sorts and there was a presentation on how argan oil was made and the different products that come out of it such as hair and body oil, cooking oil, argan oil butter (which is similar to peanut butter but thinner in consistency), and various other cosmetics. Ait Ben Haddou is a Amazigh village which is also known as the Door to the Sahara since it's one of the last few towns you encounter before getting deeper into the Sahara. There, we got to learn about Amazigh culture, how they were nomadic tribes in north Africa before the Arabs came in in the 7th century, and various crafts they have from painting using saffron, indigo, and tea as well as how Amazaigh spirituality influences the overall culture of Morocco. Ait Ben Haddou also the site where a lot of movies were filmed from Lawrence of Arabia, Prince of Persia, the Odessey and more. Typically, if there is any movie that is set in the Middle East or in the desert, chances are that it was filmed in Morocco due to their more relaxed laws. The Atlas Movie Studio is also near this area and we got to drive past it. 

We then stopped in the town Tingir for the night before we continued the next day towards the Sahara Desert. As we were headed there, we went into another small village area and had a local show us around. We saw the farms they had there, the creek, the canyons, as well as the way that traditional carpet is made. After that, we continued moving east and after we passed the canyons and mountains, the road got black and rocky with a bunch of small pebbles and then suddenly you saw all the sand dunes from the desert.

We then rode on camels to get to the Sahara desert camp for the night, wend sand boarding, and then watched the sunset. I thought it was romantic the way that X and I walked a little bit outside of the camp and we both got to see the stars so clearly since there was no light pollution. There were a lot of Australian college kids there for some kind of trip and they were all getting drunk around a bonfire. It was funny to listen into their conversations every now and then as we cuddled next to the fire. We spent only one night at this camp and then we had to wake up at 5 am to go see the sunset on the Sahara. After that, we then had to drive back all the way to Marrakech. It was about a 9 hour drive but it took more like 13 hours because we stopped for lunch and we kept stopping here and there for bathroom breaks. And the thing that was annoying me is that my American ass is used to long road trips where in order to make progress, you would use the bathroom at a truck stop, grab a few snacks, and then get out of there. Part of the fun was to enjoy the sites on the road as you ate your snacks, drank your coffee, or what have you. But we were on the trip with a bunch of Europeans who HAD to spend 20 minutes at each stop because they needed to sit down for coffee and have a smoke break. 

I forgot to mention but we were in an interesting group. There was a young Dutch couple in their early 20s who were just smoking like a chimney whenever they got the chance. It felt like a cloud of cigarette smoke was always following them. There was a Chinese couple that didn't do much and was mainly glued onto their phones. There were two Italian girls who were constantly taking pictures of themselves. And when we were in the car, they kept playing Micheal Jackson or Disney music on the radio. Eventually, I got tired of it so I started listening to my own music. There was an Australian guy who has been travelling Europe and parts of North Africa for the past 6 months. He seemed fairly normal. He recently graduated college, worked as a teacher for a year, and decided to take time off to travel. There was a British family with what I'm assuming was a lesbian couple. The couple seemed fun and the two teenagers they were with were experiencing Morocco for the first time. Finally, there was another Dutch girl who was kind of quiet but chill and there was a older Portuguese couple. 

I also encountered a lot of French tourists on this trip as well. Which makes sense since Morocco is a French speaking country and Europe is not that far away. I knew that geographically but I didn't fully grasp it until I thought of how for them it's like a 3 hour flight to get to Marrakech while a 3 hour flight from Dallas will get you to Washington D.C. I was also surprised by just how French Morocco was considering the French were there from the 1910s to the 1960s. India was colonized by the British for much longer but other than a few things there and there (the way they speak English, the fruit cakes at Christmas etc.), I wouldn't say it's super British. But it makes sense for Morocco since they are geographically closer to France than say India is to the UK. 

I also saw a few Moroccan kids start going to school or catching a bus to school in Marrakech and that made me wonder more about their education system. I started reading a few things here and there and what the French did to Morocco was similar to what the British did as well. They implemented Morocco's current education system and they made a lot of the railroads. Of course, it wasn't out of the goodness of their hearts. They created the education system in their image to create citizens who where loyal to France and barred most Arabs from accessing these institutions. They only allowed a few minority Amazigh groups to attend school and even now, the school system doesn't teach Arabic. They mainly teach French but people still talk in Arabic amongst themselves and their families. The railroads were made to transport goods back and forth for France's convenience. They also used divide and conquer tactics to pit the Arab population against some of the ethnic groups that are more Amazigh by giving the former more access to economic, political, and educational resources. 

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Senegal
I got from the Sahara desert tour and got a hotel to stay for the night because I was not going to be running around at 9pm. The next morning, I checked out of the hotel at around 6:30 am, got a cab, and went to the Marrakech train station. my boyfriend dropped me off at the train station and then took another cab to go to the airport to fly to Dallas. I went from the Marrakech train station and went back to Casablanca. This took me a little over 2 hours. Then, I waited for the the next train in the Casablanca train station for about an hour. The second train I got on took me to the airport. I got to the airport with plenty of time to spare and from there, I eventually flew out to Dakar, Senegal. By the time I got to Dakar, it was around 8pm. I exchanged my money and then got out of there. I took a cab and got to my hotel which took another 2 hours since the airport is outside the city. 

The drive to the hotel started out fine but then as we got closer, the buildings looked really run down and the cabs near by looked very beat up. I have travelled to developing countries before but this is my first time being completely by myself. I had my boyfriend in Morocco and I travelled with a tour in Vietnam. As we were driving, I was like *wtf did I get myself into.* On top of that, the cab was expensive and I had to use cash because my ride share app wasn't accepting my card and then at the hotel, I had to pay cash when it came to extra fees. So the $140 USD I took out dwindled to about $80 and I have about 5 days left in Senegal. That caused extra panic for me. Finally, I got to the hotel at around 10:00 pm. I gave the cab driver some money but unfortunately I didn't have any small notes for the exact change. The cab driver gave me some money and told me to keep the extra and that it wasn't a big deal. He didn't have to do that but I appreciated it. Despite the long travel day and the rough parts I drove past, I think it's a good sign that the cab driver wasn't trying to scam me considering the cab scams I encountered in Morocco. 

I told myself that I was anxious because I was exhausted from a long day of travelling and because I was short on cash. I have been on the move from 6 am to 10 pm. I also planned things out for my Dakar leg of the trip so that I have 2 flex days in case things went wrong or I needed an extra day to rest considering how much I have been moving around. I decided that I was going to rest and go to sleep before judging this place based on what my anxiety brain is interpreting on first impressions. 

I woke up late the next day. During my first day in Dakar, I didn't do much. I just got some food, figured out my water situation since you cannot drink the tap water here, and kind of just laid around. I also decided to plan out how exactly I was going to make my $80 stretch. I quickly realized that I probably won't be able to use the rideshare/the cabs in the frequency of my liking because I was short on cash and I budgeted this trip as if I was going to use my card for such transactions. I did walk around Dakar a little bit to get a general feel for the place. I think the place felt a little scarier last night partly because of the exhaustion but also because some areas aren't super well lit. The run down parts I was talking about earlier was just areas that had a lot of construction and we just happened to be driving through it. Development wise, Dakar just felt a lot like India. And the people so far have been very kind and patient with me from the cab driver, to the hotel people, to the people I interacted with in the cafe near by. 

Speaking of the cafe, I went to a cafe near the hotel and I found out that they took credit card payments for transactions over 10,000 CFA (roughly $20). I didn't spend this much at this cafe because I didn't know about this and I wanted to preserve how much cash I had initially but I decided that I was going to return here for my last meal before I go to the airport. The food was French. I had a croissant, ham, cheese, and a salad. But it was really good because it was actually seasoned lol. It was quite filling as well. Something I noticed on this trip was that they had pretty good portions so as a result, I was able to run on one meal a day and a snack provided that I was drinking plenty of water. Which was good since I was trying to be mindful of the cash I had. 

The next day, I went to the African Renaissance Monument and I went to the beach. The African Renaissance Monument was about a half mile from my hotel so I just walked there. I managed to run up the stairs to the top and I felt quite proud of myself for not needing a break. I also got to see a nice view of Dakar from this angle as well. This monument is the largest statue in Africa. It depicts a man, woman and child looking ahead, symbolizing hope for the future and thriving for the African continent. Around the statue, there were other sculptures there some relating to Africa and others relating to the genocide in Gaza. There was also a small park and garden near the monument where some people were relaxing and spending time. The monument also had a museum inside. There was an Italian women in line for the tour and I asked her for help since she knew some French. I got tickets to go but I didn't pay extra to take the elevator to the top. Later, the lady and I got to talking about the Youth Olympic Games being hosted in Dakar from 10/31 to 11/13. She was volunteering there and she decided to go site seeing during her off time. Prior to the conversation, I did see the the city decorated with lights and a cute lion mascot for the Olympics. I had my cab driver tell me about this because he assumed I was in Dakar for the games since there is an increase in tourism as a result. I wasn't but it was a coincidence that my trip was coinciding with the games. 

The museum had more sculptures inside. When you enter, you see statues of the first presidents of prominent west African counties including the first president of Senegal, Nigeria, and Ivory Coast. Then, there were sculptures representing ancient Egypt, tribes in Kenya, tribes in Southern Africa, as well as sculptures depicting the slaves that went through West Africa. There were also art work on the walls with anti colonial themes and some also commenting on the situation in Palestine. As you go deeper into the museum, you see more artifacts from other countries in Africa. The statues, exhibit, and monument isn't supposed to be specific to West Africa but it's supposed to show solidarity to all the counties in Africa as well as places still struggling with the impact of colonialism.  There is also a room with a furniture set of a few couches and a couple coffee tables. This was furniture from the room where the first presidents of West Africa got together to discuss the plans for their country after they gained their independence from France. 

I also think it's crazy on how France still guilt trips former French colonies in West Africa and has them pay taxes. Today, the so‑called “colonial tax” is mainly the mechanism by which 14 African nations tied to the French‑backed CFA franc system deposit large portions of their foreign reserves with the Banque de France, while France guarantees convertibility into euros — a system critics say enforces economic dependence rooted in colonial arrangements. This includes Benin, Burkina Faso, Côte d’Ivoire, Mali, Niger, Senegal, Togo, Cameroon, Central African Republic, Chad, Republic of Congo, and Equatorial Guinea.

Later in the day, I walked over to the Ngor area to see the beach. This took me about an hour but it was a nice walk. Despite it being pretty warm since Senegal is a tropical country, there was still a nice breeze since we were on the coast. I also tried to go to the spot that is the western most point of mainland Africa. I wasn't able to do that since there was security and that part of the beach was blocked off since it was part of some kind of fancy hotel property. I have heard stories of people sneaking past security pretty easily but I decided against it to not take the risk. The views of the beach were still very beautiful. Then I went to a seafood restaurant called Le Ngor. This is one of the best restaurants in Senegal and I decided to get a table at the early afternoon because I know I would struggle to get a table at night. This is also a place where I can pay using card so that was a plus. This place was definitely on the bougier side and I didn't originally plan for a bougie Senegal trip, but it kind of turned out that way because I didn't have enough cash. I had some grilled fish and vegetables along with some bread. I would say that the meal was pretty good and it filled me up for the next day or so. 

For my third day, I woke up at around 7 am, got ready for the day, and then took a cab to the harbor.  From there, I took a tour of Goree island which was a significant port for the Atlantic Slave Trade. There were original inhabitants there but then the Dutch took over the area, followed by the French, and then the British had some buildings here as well. The island can be best described as hauntingly beautiful. It looks like a cute little beach town with colorful buildings. There are also people who live here currently and you see them carrying out their day to day lives here as well. There are a lot of people also playing a lot of music and it's an overall lively sight with a little area dedicated to a watch party for the Youth Olympic Games. However, then you remember what actually took place here. The pink buildings were associated with the Dutch, the yellow are with the French, and the blue was with the British. Many of the buildings were converted into things that the town needs such as a school, doctor's office, post office etc. But they did keep the slave quarters in tact for visitors to see and learn about the slave trade. We were shown the small rooms that packed in upwards of 50 people. We had our guide describe the conditions that the enslaved people lived in and how long they had to wait to get on the ship, and how most people would die before they stepped foot in the Americas. We talked about how families were split apart, how the enslaved people were coming from many areas of west Africa, and all the ways that culture and tradition where split from them but also how some things still persevered into the Americas. 

I thought this was the most important part of my Senegal trip. I know I don't really mention this when I first mention the trip because I want to keep it more light and it would be weird to be like *oh I did xyz and I also went to slave island.* It's definitely something that warrants a more serious conversational tone as opposed to small talk. Nevertheless, this was the most important part of my trip because I think it's important for me as an American to see in person the conditions of the slave trade even though I studied the history in school because my country benefitted from the slave trade. It is a source of shame and sadness, however I'm also of the belief that to truly honor a place you're travelling to, it's important to not just gallivant the country without any research. Instead, I believe you should learn about a place including the horrible things that happened there to honor those who have suffered. In the same way I visited Goree Island in Senegal, I also visited the North Korean border when I went to Seoul, I visited the war prisons in North Vietnam, and I would visit a concentration camp if I ever found myself in Germany or Eastern Europe. 

Additionally, another reason why I wanted to do this tour of Goree Island is because I have heard stories of Black Americans coming here to connect with their roots. There is something poignant  about Black Americans coming to these quarters and going to the Door of No Return, where slaves were taken from the quarters to board the ships towards the Americas only to never see mainland Africa ever again. This was the door of no return for their ancestors and hundreds of years later, they are able to come back. And not only are they able to come back, but they are able to do so as free people who are thriving in the Americas. To me, that is a particularly powerful narrative of resilience. My favorite piece of art on this trip was in the museum in the African Renaissance Monument. It depicted Martin Luther King Jr. on the left canvas pointing towards the right, pointing forward. On the right canvas, you have Barak Obama facing towards MLK as if he is giving a speech. Then in the middle canvas, you have a painting of the Door of No Return with the words "I have a dream" on the left and "Yes we can" on the right, corresponding to MLK and Obama. 

After the tour, I was running low on cash. I found the nearest bank and exchanged about $100 USD for CFA. I had to make my money stretch the last few days and for the cab to get to the port because I remember reading that there are reputable currency exchange places near the port in the business district. From there, I walked over to the Museum of Black Civilizations. There, I learned about traditional African architecture, the origins of humanity and the skeletons that were found of the earliest humans, as well about the matriarchy of many African tribes. There was also a lot of artwork depicting themes of colonization as well as the slave trade and the ways that Black people in the U.S. suffered in the Jim Crowe era. There was also a video of various towns in Senegal. I decided to take the Dakar leg of my travel a bit slower and I wanted to take time to really see the city but also, I couldn't find a lot of good tours for going into the more rural areas of Senegal. But I enjoyed seeing arial shots as well as footage of what a lot of these towns look like from the point of view of the population density, the nature surrounding the area, as well as the amount of development that was there. 

Finally, for dinner I found this neighborhood place where the lady there creates new dishes everyday based on whatever she is in the mood to cook. It's mainly Senegalese homestyle cooking. I walked in and got Google Translate out on my phone. I translated the menu from French but I will be honest, that only helped slightly because some of the words were not native to French. But I knew enough to where I can differentiate words like lamb, vegetables, and chicken so that was good enough for me. I just pointed to what I wanted in the menu and the lady made the dish. I had this sort of sweet and tangy lamb curry with carrots and potatoes with a side of rice and some cucumbers and bell peppers. It was quite good and filling and it was for a good price. I also ended up getting some Bissup juice which is hibiscus juice with mint. It's a very interesting flavor but I liked it and found it to be refreshing. 

The next day I pretty much finished everything I had on my agenda. I put some money away that I would need to get to the airport. The remaining money I decided to spend on souvenirs for my family. I'm going to be honest, I hate souvenir shopping. I'm not the best at choosing things, I can be indecisive, and I feel like personally, I don't frequently find myself valuing things like mementos since they tend to lie around my apartment creating clutter. And because Senegal isn't a particularly touristy place, there aren't a lot of opportunities for souvenirs. I nevertheless found a place near by and managed to get a few things for my family. Later that day, I went back to the same restaurant as before. This time, I had a grilled chicken, rice, and this onion curry like thing with hot sauce on the side. Again, the food was great and this time, the place was a little bit more crowded. A bunch of people from the neighborhood along with a French tourist was at the small establishment. They were all conversing amongst each other and random people from the neighborhood dropped by to say hi and to get some green tea. While I don't speak in French and I had no idea what was being said, I still quite enjoyed being in everyone's company. After that, I only had just enough to get to the airport. That meal was worth the little cash I had left. 

On my last day, I got ready, got packed and then I went to the cafe near the hotel. I ran into an American couple there and I casually asked where they're from since I heard the accent. Turns out the lady is South Sudanese and she grew up in the Dallas metroplex. She also went to the same college I graduated from and the same program about 10 years earlier. She currently works as a journalist and she is based in Senegal since she specializes in west and central Africa and since Senegal is a more stable country with better free speech laws compared to other west African countries. We exchanged contact information and she said that she's willing to talk to me about career matters and introduce me to other people she knows.

Finally, after lunch I checked out of the hotel and I took a cab to the airport. I had an evening flight from Dakar to Casablanca and a late night flight from Casablanca to Dubai. I was waiting at the airport for quite some time since I checked out of the hotel relatively early. I managed to meet Kenya's rugby team from the Youth Olympics and I got to say congrats since they won gold so that was exciting. Once I finally got to my gate, I took a quick stroll around the airport and I saw that they only had 6 gates in the entire airport. I think this might be the smallest airport I ever flew into. 
Eventually I got to my flight. It went pretty smoothly. I landed in Casablanca in time and I had about 2 hours to get to my connection. I got through security and since I flew out from Casablanca when going to Dakar, I walked around the Casablanca airport before to get a sense of the lay out. As a result, I was able to navigate pretty efficiently to my connection. I got to the gate for my flight to Dubai and I slept there for about an hour before boarding the plane. 

Edited 15 hours ago by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Orientalism

I think it was interesting how a lot of the locals shopped at the super market while it was the more traditional markets that were filled with tourists. Later I thought about this more in the trip. I think Morocco attracts a certain kind of tourist. It's the kind of tourist that is a little bit more Bohemian and fantasizes about doing things a little off the beaten path for the sake of an "authentic experience." And while Morocco is a little bit more out there than say, Italy, it's not really that far out there if you're European. Don't get me wrong, I think travel can help challenge prejudice and expose yourself to new things to where you're less of a racist, but I think that travel itself isn't always enough. Sometimes travel can be a source of confirmation bias. Personally, when I'm researching a trip and I find a content creator that does travel related videos, I like to check how do they treat developing countries. Do they treat those places with respect and with nuance? Or do they abandon all common sense, eat something questionable and complain about food poisoning, stay at a sketchy place and then complain about bugs even though they can go to a significantly nicer place with just a little more money, and just in general do things that makes the place look bad. My point is that even if you travel, you can still fall into racist mentalities and narratives. 

With the tourist and market place example, I think some tourists gravitate towards this area because it reinforces THEIR IDEA of what an authentic experience is. And I think that the West's idea of what is authentic in a developing country can be rooted in orientalism. The specific kind of orientalism I think of is the mentality that developing countries are the land of culture and tradition while western and developed countries are the land of modernity and progress. The problem with that is that it assumes that progress can only look one way and that is through what the western, largely predominantly white countries are doing. Another problem is that this framework assumes an inherent stagnation when it comes to cultures they believe to be exotic. Because if the exotic countries are traditional and the West is moving forwards, that means that the other countries are backwards. And even if there is progress or change in these developing countries, rather than updating their view of say, where the average Moroccan shops and how they spend their time, they hold onto the traditional marketplaces and the specific images of Arabic life they had from the 1800s as their view of what the "real" Morocco is like. 

I have observed similar attitudes when it comes to India as well. In fact, this mindset around orientalism was one of the things I remember studying in college hence why I was able to pick up on this pattern. India is touted as this land of tradition where some white guy goes to find a spiritual awakening in this ancient and other worldly place. And yes, it's great that India has maintained their roots and preserved their history. But India, and other developing countries, deserve to have a relationship to their past without being reduced down to it to where the West glosses over any recent developments that India has had in terms of their infrastructure, economy,  and social progress. Progress doesn't have to look like the West in order for it to be progress. It annoys me how when I went to Delhi, my parents were inferring that this area was somehow more progressive just because a lot of people were wearing jeans and a t-shirt as opposed to something more traditional. And I think this kind of cultural erasure in the West's idea of progress is exactly what causes some people to want to regress back and hold onto conservative worldviews thinking that's what's going to make them more in touch with their culture. Because when you think West = Progress, then you're going to be threatened by progressive mindsets and view points because you think it will be a threat to your culture. 

That's something that I appreciate about Morocco. I appreciate the way that they are prioritizing the preservation of history and the skills that it takes to create such works of art and culture while still doing things to further progress the development of their country. I know a lot of craftsmanship and artisan skills are becoming more and more obsolete due to people prioritizing things that can be made more cheaply and in less time. And I think it's a shame because there is so much culture wrapped up in these crafts world wide and turning every work of modern architecture into a gray or glass box or sky scrapper removes an element of humanness. I really appreciate the time, patience, and skills it takes for things like woodworking and carving, tile work, paintings, and sculptures. I think it's especially important to appreciate such things in a time where many are prioritizing optimization, AI generated art work, and a homogenization of culture through globalization. The past never really passes. The past intertwines with the present and it get's reconstructed and rediscovered in the future. I think this can be applicable anywhere but I find it to be especially evident in the reconstruction processes. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Our First International Trip Together

Going to Morocco was the first time my boyfriend left the U.S. He got his passport a few years ago for a Germany trip with his parents that never came into fruition. We first spent like 10 hours in Barcelona and then we went to Morocco together for a week.

I did this for 3 reasons. First of all, I am working towards marriage with this person and I want to be able to have at least one international trip with them to get to know them in that context. Secondly, if I decide I'm going to marry him, I don't want India to be his first exposure to a developing country. I think Morocco is a good choice because it is a developing country but not to the extent India is so it's a good start. I don't want him to go to India and have a full on existential crisis on how the global south lives and have him be the kind of white person that's like *look at all these poor people, they have so little but they are so happy* or some other kind of headassery. And thirdly, I have a goal to travel to all 7 continents by age 30 and I really wanted to go to Morocco as one of the countries I wanted to visit in Africa. Morocco isn't the best country to travel solo as a woman and I thought that being with my boyfriend would be a good idea in order for me to have a positive experience in this country. 

I am quite impressed with his ability to adapt and navigate a developing country. I feel like after this trip, I see him as more reliable and more capable in handling anything that life may throw at us as a couple. I already saw him as a solid reliable person but I think this experience really solidified that notion. He did struggle a little bit regarding the scams, though Morocco is particularly bad about that in. It did make him sad to see kids begging and to see some dogs on the street who weren't being treated well, but I think some of that is expected if you have lived in the U.S. your whole life and you didn't encounter such things. But I think even then, he handled it well without the situation becoming an existential crisis or without having the experience be validate some kind of weird world view. Overall, I think India still might be an adjustment for him but I don't think it's going to be something drastic or something he won't be able to handle. 

I do feel much closer to him after this trip. There were many romantic moments on this trip from touring the beautiful architecture, walking on the beach, going on a road trip through the Atlas Mountains, stargazing in the Sahara Desert, and going to all of the cute cafes in Casablanca and Marrakech. And like I mentioned earlier, this trip has given me even more confidence in him as a potential life partner. 

I think part of the reason he was able to adapt and navigate well is because he was already a competent person. On top of that, I think I did a good job over the years having various conversations with him explaining the realities of developing countries, colonization, and various socioeconomic and political issues. And I think there is merit to him as well in these conversations because he has always been an understanding individual who makes the effort to learn new things. I never felt like I had to give him a lecture or that I was spoon feeding him information about my experience as a brown person. 

Edited 15 hours ago by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Body Image Update

think Senegal healed my France trauma lol. 

The people here were so warm which was the opposite of what I encountered in Paris specifically. The French food is actually seasoned here so it's much better tasting. People in Senegal speak in French but they don't have the same accent as the French which feels refreshing. And also, I feel like the body standards are very different in Senegal as well. 

I like how there is definitely a fitness culture in Senegal. I saw random people running, doing squats, and doing crunches everywhere I went. But it doesn't feel Ozempic coded. One thing that I always struggled with regarding my body image is that I don't fall into any category perfectly. I'm definitely not skinny/ petite. I'm also not fat because I usually wear a small or extra small (and sometimes a medium since I have a larger chest). I have muscle but I don't really look athletic because I'm not super lean. I also have a pretty large chest and I'm curvy but because I'm like 5'2", I look pretty condensed. I think the best way that I can describe my body type is dense lol. Other than that, I feel like a constant contradiction. 

However, in Senegal, I feel like the body type I'm describing is more common. Like people are relatively fit, but not necessarily lean, but also pretty curvy at the same time. Not to be crass, but I have had many moments where I have looked at both men and women and I was like *damn... I'm no better than a man.* Like I was definitely checking people out but not necessarily in a creepy way lol. But body type wise, I did feel like I fit in here and I felt pretty confident in myself because in being able to see the beauty in other people, sometimes that makes it easier to see the beauty in yourself. I feel like this was the opposite of what I felt in France where I felt like the skinny standard was everywhere and that was triggering my own issues that I had with food and my body. I know France, particularly Paris, is pretty bad at that especially considering the standards of the fashion industry. 

Speaking of fashion, I feel like a lot of the women there were also very well dressed. And on top of that, you can tell that their fashion choices aren't made in the pursuit to be smaller. I feel like in a lot of situations, the body is the outfit (again, I'm no better than a man). But again, it wasn't in a fat phobic way where people ask *is it a fit or is she just skinny?* 

I think this timing has been especially important for me because I have been struggling with the whole surge with Ozempic and so many people in the media becoming emaciated. I'm not here looking at the really skinny celebrities hoping that I looked like that. But I think the whole Ozempic skinny look is skewing my image of what I consider thin and bigger (skinnyflation if you will lmaoo). And that has been skewing my self image as well. I didn't want this to get out of hand considering my history regarding disordered eating and body dysmorphia so I have decided to avoid certain kinds of media. Like I think what would be considered a fairly average sized woman in 2016 would be considered obese in 2026 standards. And also, it feels like people are over the whole wanting to be curvy thing. Which in a way is a good thing because the BBL build isn't exactly realistic. But also, I know the Ozempic standard is causing things like body positivity and neutrality to fall out of the mainstream. 

But yeah, I think that the average body type in Senegal snapped me back into reality and healed a sort of brainrot I have been struggling with in the past year or two. And over all, I feel a bit better about myself.