Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

[soos_mite_ah]

Things I Have Accomplished During My Time Off Work 

I'm working again and I'm done with my time off. I wrote a post of all the things I wanted to accomplish during my time off and I want to reflect on that. My thoughts now will be highlighted in blue:

On 5/13/2026 at 10:44 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Things To Do During My Time Off

If everything goes according to plan and the paper work is done and processed, I'm going to be taking a leave of absence from work for about 8 weeks starting on 5/19. I journalled about my inital thoughts about what led me to this decision here: 

Since I will not be working 8+ hours a day, I have decided to give my days structure in other ways and come up with a list of things I want to do during my time off.

75 Hard

The 75 Hard challenge is a social media challenge where you do the following for 75 consecutive days: 

• 2 workouts everyday for 45 min, with at least 1 being outside (the workouts also need to be 2 sessions at least 3 hours apart) 
• Drink 1 gallon of water 
• Progress picture everyday 
• Your desired diet plus no alcohol and cheat meals
• Read 10 pages of a non-fiction book a day 

If you are unable to do anyone of these, you have to start the 75 days again.

My leave of absence is roughly 75 days long and I think I'm in a mindset where I can really benefit from this with a few tweaks. Since I'm not working, this challenge is something that will be more realistic for me because I have the time and energy to dedicate myself to it.

I think this will also help me give my days structure while also promoting healthy habits like working out, eating healthy, getting enough water in, and reading more. I already have a habit of working out but I want to do that more. I'm pretty bad about drinking enough water (I'm not drinking sugary drinks everyday, I'm just a dehydrated bitch lol) so I think this will jumpstart that habit. I want to read more since I have been putting things off. As for my diet, I'm thinking of leaving my diet the way it is for the most part except I want to moderate my snacking (1 really good and nutritious snack a day as opposed to random nibbling) since I tend to snack more with free time, and I want to cut out sugar. I'm not thinking of cutting it out completely. Fruits are fine. Just no chocolate, desserts, or sugary drinks. I'm not adjusting this diet due to weightloss or aesthetic goals. I'm mainly trying to do something that feels good for my body and that can challenge me a little. 

The tweaks I'm going to make to this challenge are the following: 

• No progress pictures: I have a history of body dysmorphia and disordered eating and taking pictures everyday can cause me to spiral. Plus, I want to do this in a more intrinsically motivated way rather than focussing on how I look. 
• Instead of reading 10 pages of non-fiction, I want to read 1 hour each day of any book of my choosing: I think both fiction and non-fiction can both be beneficial in their own way in the way they work different intellectual muscles.  I did the hour a day but after a while, I just went back to the 10 pages instead. But I think it's still been good for me to establish the habit of reading books more often regardless of duration.
• Instead of having to start the 75 days again, I'm going to add any make up days if I screw up: So if at the end of the 75 days I screw up 10 times, that means I have 10 extra days that I will have to follow the rules above. The program has been criticized for being very all or nothing as opposed to promoting healthy habits and I think this all or nothing mindset can result/ fuel disordered eating, especially for someone who has a history of that. I did mess up a few times but I decided to not add make up days due to the changing schedule of work. I'm just taking the L. I know I didn't complete the challenge and I would love to one day but I'm glad that I kept going and that I got to the 75 days to the best of my ability. 
• Depending on how I handle the gallon a day, I might take a page off of the 75 Soft challenge and do .75 gallons of water a day: I'm only 5'2" so my water needs do vary compared to the average sized person who needs more water than I do. Like, I want to be hydrated but I don't want to pee every half hour. I had to switch over to a half gallon to .75 gallon because the gallon of water a day was messing with my blood pressure. 
• I also want to add another thing to this challenge, and that is no social media / short form content / or random mobile games: I can watch longer youtube videos and listen to music but no Youtube shorts. I also think I will need to wean off the random games and reduce it ideally but I think my priority is not taking in short form content and social media. I deleted my social media apps for the last 3 weeks and I think that has done a lot of good for me mentally. I did the no social media but I had to engage with some short form content when planning my trips. It wasn't that much though. I also failed on the random mobile games. 

The list of things I want to do while on break: 

Physical Activity Related: I have been drawn to being more physically active over the last month and a half. There is no set fitness or aesthetic goal for me. I have been going to the gym for straight vibes because my body has been wanting to move more. Maybe it's a reaction against having to work a desk job. But over all, when I am physically challenging myself, I do feel more alive. It's like whenever I'm pushing myself, whenever I'm out of breath, whenever my muscles are sore and I tell myself I have 4 more reps to go, I'm forced to be present. Working out lately has felt like a moving meditation of sorts and it has been essential in maintaining my mental health. Here are somethings I have found enjoyable and that I want to do more: 

1. Work out more: Lift weights + Continue doing cardio 
2. Yoga classes: I haven't done a yoga class in a while because life got busy.
3. Maybe some pilates classes: Again, having done this in a while because life got busy 
4. Swimming: I have been enjoying this and I think this can serve some of my cardio goals 
5. Ice Skating: I have been falling in love with doing this all over again and I want to be able to do this mid-day on a week day when the rink at the mall isn't crowded. I can do a whole post on this tbh.
6. Enjoy the outside: I live in a semi walkable area and multiple parks near by. I go to these parks often but I want to do that more. Plus, I like feeling the sun on my skin and seeing random people take their dogs on walks. 

I've done everything except go ice skating. It was great.  

Intellectual / Spiritual Pursuits: One of the weirdest things about working in corporate is how I feel like I am learning a lot but not feeling educated. I attribute this to how learning is filtered through increasing profits instead of developing an understanding of yourself and the world around you like it was in school. I miss how much I would learn in the classroom and in my day to day life back when I was a student and I was exposing myself to new experiences. This is how I'm planning on replicating that: 

1. Read the books from my undergraduate degree: I have been putting this off for a while as a goal and I think this will be the perfect thing to do at this time when I'm not utilizing my mental energy towards my job. 
2. Read the fiction books I have been putting off: I'm going to be honest, my ipad baby tendencies have done a number on my attention span and I think reading fiction is the perfect way to recuperate that because you have to infer and interpret the themes on your own instead of the intellectual spoon feeding that can happen when you're reading non-fiction. I think this can also help hone in media literacy skills. 
3. Keep up to date with my favorite Youtubers: This means watching things on my Watch Later list, especially when it comes to the longer form, documentary style content that is about 1 hour 30 minutes or longer (yes, that includes revisiting videos from Actualized.org) 
4. Journal + Reflect: I can do this at home, on a walk, or go to a coffee shop 
5. Meditate: Just allowing myself to be and enjoy the present moment
6. Continue going to therapy

I got to do everything and I'm happy with what I got done. 

Random Things I Want to Do with More Free Time: 

1. Go to the grocery store midday on a weekday: I used to do this in college and I miss doing this. Did this. 
2. Maybe go to the mall and buy some new clothes: I haven't done this in years and my clothes are looking rough. Didn't do this. 
3. Try 2 new recipies weekly: I have been eating the same 3 meals in different fonts for a while due to the depression so I think some variety would be good for my soul and my cooking skills. 2 recipies every week was a lot so I didn't do all that but I did try a number of new things so it's a win. 
4. Sleep in guilt free: I have no problem still being productive even when I wake up late. I think my reasoning for this is not to sleep until 1pm every day rather it's to listen to my body instead of expecting myself to be energetic and alert at 6:30 every day on a week day. I was pretty consistent with waking up between 8 am to 10 am everyday. I had a day or two in the beginning where I slept in until 11 but that's about it. 
5. Deep clean the apartment once a week: Mopping, scrubbing the shower, vaccuming, laundry. I didn't deep clean the apartment every week. I did it like 3x but I think that's reasonable since our place doesn't get dirty like that. 
6. Have a guilt free bed rot day and not worry about wasting time. Did this.
7. Have more sex: My sex life has been suffering / nonexistant due to the increase in stress and I want to connect with my partner more. Did this.
8. Get back into art: This can be drawing, painting, or simply coloring. Didn't this.
9. Hang out with my friends more: I have a friend who is going to be in town who I'm looking forward to hanging out with. I also have a couple of friends who are unemployed and I think it would be nice to hang out with them more outside of the weekend/ evening hours. Did this. 
10. Go Furniture Hunting: My apartments needs side tables, a bed frame, and a dining set and I have just been putting it off. Didn't this.

Travel: 

1. Go to Washington D.C.: I have been thinking of going to D.C. for the 4th of July as it is the 250th Independence day Did this.
2. I need to plan out my trip to Africa: I haven't been really doing that since I have been overwhelmed by work and other things in my life. Did this.
3. Maybe go to Australia for a week or two: I'm seeing a lot of naturey things to do there and I always wanted to experience Christmas in July. Those two things coincide with my leave times and things I'm gravitating towards so I might seize the moment. Going to Australia this year specifically wasn't part of my original plan when it came to going to all 7 continents by 30 but I'm open to the idea. Didn't do this but I did plan out that trip.

Broader things I want to Accomplish with the Time Off Work: I don't think I'm going to accomplish all of these but this is what I'm orienting myself around / working towards when it comes to working through my high functioning depression. 

• Reconnect with myself and my sense of joy by engaging in hobbies and moving my body: Was Successful
• Work out issues in my social life regarding navigating adult friendships: Still in the process of figuring this out but I made good progress
  • I think I'm still a little socially anxious but I worked out a lot of the grief, self deprecation, and difficult feelings I was experiencing. I'm still learning to navigate this area of my life, however, I'm not making this process harder than it needs to be by overthinking or internalizing things. I think getting off social media was the right move for me. I'm going to make another post about this specifically. 
• Figure out if I want to have a child: Still in the process of figuring this out but I made good progress
  • I did do a lot of reflection and that helped me get to a point where I'm not ruminating, I processed my thoughts and feelings, and I have expanded my perspective so I no longer feel trapped by this conflict even though it's still here. I'm mainly in a place where I feel like I need more life experience to figure out if this is really what I want to do. Basically, I need to put myself out there and then reflect rather than focusing inwards. 
  • I wrote over 20 posts long ass posts about this topic in my journal: 
• Feel less stagnant in my life and personal development by focusing more on my life and less on increasing shareholder value Was Successful
• Allow myself time to work through my issues and actually reflect on what I'm experiencing instead of just trying to regulate and keep things moving without deconstructing why I do what I do.  Was Successful
  • I wrote in a post that things that would typically take me a week to process would take me a day or two while I was on leave since I had the extra time, space, and energy to deal with things. And things that would take me a day or two to process took me like less than 24 hours while I was on leave. 

I know I have listed out a long laundry list of things to do but I do not feel intimidated by this. Instead, I find it to be quite exciting because it's all things I want to do but don't always have the time and energy to do such things. It feels less like someone piling on papers and assignments to work through and more like a menu to your new favorite restaurant that has all your favorite foods that you get to try one by one without worrying about the cost because it is free. 

In conclusion, I found myself feeling like this coming into work:
 

Edited July 30 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

ummmmm.....

[soos_mite_ah]

More Friendship Grief 

I would put this under the Processing Negative Feelings journal but I wanted to put it here because I put my friendship related journal entries here typically. 

I talked about the grief before and I wrote about it. I'm still going to include it here since it provides important context: 

I would say much of what I have written in these posts have subsided. I'm not in denial of all the ways that the landscape has changed in adult life. I'm still experiencing the anger I described here but more so in the form of saddness (more on that later). The self deprecation is there sometimes but less so. And I'm moving towards more acceptance over time. 

But over the past month or so, I found myself feeling a new wave of grief specifically about what I have written about this post: 

I'm having difficulty with accepting that my relationships are more shallow now because I still have deep feelings of love and care for my friends. I'm hesitant to have certain conversations with them because I don't know if they care in the same way or if they fully moved on. And that also makes me feel kind of pathetic and tossed aside. Like a big reason why I don't reach out is because I feel like a creepy man in people's DMs since I'm the main one initiating. And I don't want to add icing to the cake with a "what are we" conversation. Yes, I'm laughing and that's a joke, but I'm also dead serious. I'm scared of this being our dynamic: 

I had 3 events that triggered this new wave of grief. 

1. I had a friend (friend 1) reach out to me after a while. I was overjoyed when I saw that she wanted to see me. I was thinking that we can finally talk about what's been going on in her life and mine. Then, I realized that the invite was for the whole family and it was for her brother's birthday. That bummed me out quite a bit and it made me think *oh, she's reaching out of family obligation since our families know each other and it's a family get together.* But I tried to remain positive and thought that it would still be nice to see her. 

I get to her house and everyone is just talking in a group setting. They talked about car racing, Fifa, going to Japan, and other more lighthearted topics. Which is fine, but also, it's not really how I connect with people. Personally, I don't really connect with people on shared hobbies since my hobbies and interests are more niche and I've always been like a weird kid growing up. But I would make up for that by having an active interest in people's lives. And I remember sitting in that conversation and contributing a little here and there but feeling like I have no clue who anyone is or what's going on with them and they have no clue who I am either. That felt isolating. 

I finally had a moment to talk to my friend. It was just a 15 minute conversation and I'm glad I got know a little about what's going on with her. But, I still felt sad because it still felt very surface level, like we were having this conversation in passing. And right when we were probably gonna get deeper into talking, my parents were like *ok let's we gotta get home.* And not gonna lie, that crushed me. I was going to offer to hang out later in the month but as we were talking, she mentioned she was going to be quite busy in the weeks ahead so I didn't bother. 

2. I had another friend (friend 2) reach out for some kind of family religious thing at her house. I pulled up and we started talking about our lives. Then, the moment I was about to open up about some things that were going on to stray from the rosy picture of my life, her mom came in and said that it's time for us to go and do the religious ceremony. The dang ceremony lasted nearly 3 hours. And afterwards, we got food and started talking. Of course we started off light. My other friend from situation 1 was there as well. And again, the moment that we had the chance to go deeper into the conversation, it was time for us to go.

There was another thing in that conversation that kind of annoyed me. We were talking about homeownership and settling down and it felt clear that my other two friends and I had very different goals and values for what kind of future we wanted to build for ourselves. It's not like they said anything bad, but I guess it hurt because I realized that I probably cannot build a life with these people. Maybe we could have explored each other's perspectives more to where we wouldn't feel so misunderstood but the conversation didn't have a chance to develop into something deeper. Like I'm not opposed people wanting a different life than me. But I think it stings because I feel kind of isolated in my vision for settling down in Dallas specifically since I don't aspire to a surburban life. 

3. Then, I reached out to friend 2 asking if we can hang out sometime that week again before she leaves for college. I just wanted to have a deeper conversation with her. She said that she can't but then she invited me out to go dancing at this club. I went ahead and I said yes. Sure it sucks that I can't have a real conversation, but at least we were making memories. I do appreciate how both of these friends still incorporated me into their lives to where we have shared experiences. I know being in this loop of catch up friendships can be tiring itself without having new shared experiences balance things out. 

I pull up and sure I had some fun, but I ended the night feeling really sad and empty which turned into me spiraling in the next couple weeks. Even at the club. I was enjoying myself but then half way through I felt a wave of grief wash over me. It felt like these once really close relationships just devolved into superficial party friends where we barely know each other. I felt like a glorified acquaintence since I didn't know the internal workings of anyone anymore. And they didn't know me either. I wish I could talk about this with them but I'm scared that I'm going to be painted as being ungrateful because they still managed to squeeze me into a schedule that is booked out by 3 months at all times. I feel like they moved on without me or that they only tolerate me in a group setting and they don't care to know what else is happening in my life nor do they care about sharing on their end either. I also get a weird feeling that they're all hanging out without me and that unless I reach out, they would never include me into things independent of family or religious events. Like I feel like I'm not being actively chosen, only being tolerated. 

At the same time, I do know some factors in their lives that make them genuinely busy so I'm not taking it super personally. I don't see this busyness as a personal problem in either side of our relationship. Instead, I see this busyness as a systemic problem affecting us personally (see the first linked post in this entry). So I'm not blaming myself or them. I can also understand if they're all hanging out without me because I don't have much surface level things in common with them. And I know friend 1 specifically said that rather than talking about what's going on in her life, she needs a distraction or hobbies that stop her from ruminating since her job is mainly centered around constantly dealing with heavy matters. Maybe she sees her friends as better suited to help her through this tough time over me. And that's fine. I know I have gone through some things where I thought certain people in my life are better equipped to handling and I didn't see other people who I didn't go to as lesser. I just wish I had my own people I can also go to. 

 

But yeah, I was hit with this new sense of grief where I feel like no one knows me, I don't know any one, and I don't have the opportunities to engage with people on a deeper level without it coming off as intense and just simply not right for the setting. I feel like my needs for connection aren't being met and that sometimes makes me doubt where I'm at in people's lives. Like I feel like a couple years ago I was at a place of *ok I'll give people space and I'm sure they'll come back, they just need to deal with some things.* Then I checked back and I see that they have found other people and essentially moved on and I'm still here reserving a spot for them in my life. And I'm happy for them for finding people to help them through these difficult times and I'm glad they found their people. But I'm sad for me because I'm still just by myself and I have yet to meet people like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly waiting and twiddling my thumbs. I have been trying to put myself out there and make new friends organically but I have yet to find success. So I'm just left with this void. And not to be corny (I don't even like Taylor Swift tbh), but I feel like those lyrics where she's like *and then everybody moved on. Help. I'm still at the restaurant.* 

Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me
Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I, I'm right where you left me

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"
I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop
Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared

I wrote about this more a few weeks ago: 

On 8/26/2026 at 11:59 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like I'm experiencing a lot of grief regarding how my relationships are changing now that I'm an adult and our lives are structured differently. I'm getting better coping mechanisms and better mindsets to deal with a lot of difficult emotions but it can be difficult and intense at times. There are some posts that I saw on social media that really resonated with me to where I found myself crying when I saw them: 

• "I saw my friend having fun without me and suddenly I felt embarrassed for thinking we were close. It wasn't that they went without me. It was how quickly my brain turned 'I wasn't there' to ' I don't matter anymore.' Then, every late reply, every plan I found out about later, every 'we should hang soon' started feeling like evidence. I wanted to ask 'are we okay?' Insterad, I liked the post and tried to look normal. Because how do you say 'I know you're allowed other friends, I just need to know I still matter,' without sounding jealous? So I checked who was there, how long they'd known each other, and whether they looked happier than they do with me. Then, I felt embarrassed twice. Once for being left out,  and again for caring this much. Friendship anxiety isn't always 'don't have other friends.' Sometimes, it's 'please don't quietly stop choosing me while I'm still choosing you.' Maybe that photo wasn't proof, but the fear didn't come from nowhere. It remembered every friendship that went quiet before I knew I was losing it. For tonight, one photo can be one photo. It can hurt without becoming proof that I'm being left behind." 
• "I noticed I wasn't included. I just made sure nobody noticed that I noticed. They mentioned plans I didn't know about. I smiled like I already knew. I asked one casual question so I wouldn't sound as hurt as I felt. Then, I went home and started checking where I stood with everyone. Who gets invited first. Who gets the full story. Who gets remembered without asking. I kept saying it's probably nothing. But my body had already gone quiet. The worst part wasn't missing the plan. It was pretending I didn't care so I wouldn't look needy. So I got a little smaller, replied less, waited to see if anyone would notice. Sometimes friendship anxiety is acting completely normal while quietly mourning your place. I didn't need to be included in everything. I just wanted to know I still belonged somewhere." 
• "Nothing happend, I just slowly felt less included. Nothing happened, I just stopped feeling like I belonged there. I heard about plans after they already happened. I noticed I was always reaching first. Then, I went home and replayed everything. What hurt most was feeling embarrassed that I cared. But wanting to feel included isn't needy. Some friendships don't end, they just feel different. That quiet distance can hurt more than people know. You're not too much for wanting to still belong." 
• "I know they're allowed to have other friends. I still stared at the picture like I'd been replaced. It wasn't only that they went without me. It was how quickly my made it mean I mattered less. Suddenly, every 'we should hang out soon' felt like something they only said to be nice. I compared everything. How easily they talked, ho happy they looked, whether they seemed happier without me. And the embarrassing part? Nobody actually left me. I was already grieving my place in their life. So I got quieter, replied a little later, acted like I was busy, just to see if they'd notice I was pulling away. When they didn't notice right away, my brain called it proof. Not proof that people have lives, proof that I was optional. I didn't want to control who they cared about. I just needed to know that caring about someone else didn't erase me. Maybe the feeling wasn't 'I want to be your only friend.' Maybe it was 'please don't mkae me easy to lose.' Tonight, I'm trying to let the picture just be a picture, not a goodbye I have to survive."

 

Then there is the trauma from the friend breakup. Like genuinely FUCK THAT PERSON and the way that they handled that situation. I was never the type of person to assume that everyone secretly hates me until after that break up. That situation hit me out of nowhere and there was no explicit conversation to help mend things. I just saw them getting distant but I initially wrote it off as *they're busy with xyz and dealing with some heavy stuff right now* and I was giving them space to sort that out without being over bearing. But then after that situation I started thing *maybe they were building up resentment and moving away from me for a while and they were making up excuses.* And I know better than to also apply that same dynamic to other people who are not related to this situation at all but it does make me wonder where I stand with people. Like I don't think most adults are openly confrontational when they don't like someone unless you're seeing them on a regular basis. I feel like most adult who don't like you will tolerate you in a social setting to be cordial and the not initiate in making plans afterwards to slowly phase you out. And because of the trauma of this situation, I don't know if my other friends are trying to slowly phase me out as well and I'm just the dumbass who still cares. 

And the frustrating thing about me trying to deal with friendship in adulthood is that I feel like I have been journalling and contemplating this for years now and I feel like I haven't made much progress. The more I learn about friendship in adulthood, the more lost and confused I find myself. I'm sure I'll look back on this and be like *well, I did eventually figure things out and now I have a beautiful life with great friends and I found my people* because everything eventually works out. It often just takes longer than anticipated. But right now, I find it difficult to believe that things will get better. 

 

Like I don't want much. I just wish people would hit me up every couple months and ask me how I'm doing and give me the space to talk about things the same way I would give them space to talk about their lives in detail. It's not like I'm here expecting everyone drop everything for me and hang out everyday. I'm not blowing up people's phone with a million calls and text messages. I'm not asking for constant reassurance. But I'm still human and I still need SOME reassurance since I feel like I'm navigating a lot of ambiguity. 

People also think I'm secretive but that's not the case. They just don't ask. And because they don't ask, even though I want to share, I feel like I don't have their consent to open up and I don't want to trauma dump on them. Tbh, they probably don't ask because they don't want to be intrusive so I'm not holding too much against them for not reading my mind lol. People also think I'm deep and intense but I think I have a different base line of what a "heart to heart conversation" even is because I'm in a constant state of existential crisis. So while they feel filled up by seeing me and having a surface level interaction at a party, I'm here feeling more disconnected than ever. 

 

I also think this wave of grief is also hitting me hard because I'm also unpacking a lot of symptoms of childhood emotional neglect right now. I also feel gross about my life and my body because it doesn't feel like it's in alignment with 

Edited Thursday at 06:12 PM by soos_mite_ah