Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I miss having a belly laugh about myself. 

[Jannes]

Just had a dream. 

I was walking with my father and my sister somewhere, we wanted to get our car and drive home. But it looked like some kind of explosion of fire happened there recently. It looked increasingly dangerous and then we hire another explosion and something like gunfire. We turn around and want to run but my sister seems paralyzed. I speak to her very calmy:  "[name of my sister] run." So this reaches her unconscious and she starts running. And I feel so great that I just managed to do that. We reach a safer zone soon after and thats about where the dream ends. 

[Jannes]

Not sure if I wrote it in my blog already but I had a nice talk with my dad about my internship which I am clueless about. But then we found that I had an internship way back in special needs education which I really enjoyed on many levels. Holy shit, I need to try that, or something similiar out again. Maybe its even possible to do similiar work with the education which I have already. A path forward! 

[Jannes]

I have had the thought before that humans may be striving for some sort of chaos because thats what their psyche needs. A super orderly and perfect world isnt acceptable because things like struggle and war are needed elements for the human experience. 

I recently got that exact same intuition reflected somewhere else. 

Its just speculation but it originates somewhere. I think this is something that could be discovered in a few centuries and then be common knowledge. But because humanity might have peaked in the 2000s, its time to experience humans fucking up/ manifesting that inner strive for a balance of peace and chaos. 

[Jannes]

I wonder what would happen to my psyche if I had an affair with someone. 

I never let it happen but it also cuts me off from understanding. I would probably regret it though. But then that would be a direct experience and not theory. 

...

that really got me thinking hard ( https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-757 )

[Jannes]

Oof I like this:

"If this person has harmed me so badly that they have made my life unlivable and intolerable, then the consequences of my actions become irrelevant. The goal in murder is not to get away with it, but rather to ensure mutual destruction knowing there will be no victory."

A bit like with my old theatre club at times, not murder, but fuck them even if if fucks me up. 

[Jannes]

On 15.9.2026 at 9:16 AM, Jannes said:

I had such a weird ass dreams today. 

Well I dreamed that I remembered something like a dream or a memory. Like I had the dream that I had a dream of something and that I couldnt figure out if that (in the dream) was a dream or an actual memory. 

In that dream (in the dream) I was going through some super dark cave. You couldnt see in it with your bare eyes. But because I was kind of mental I just wanked it and got through it. At the other side I was at some super secred dark place, with many levels. And I think I arranged something with some people there. My secret dark side activities lol. And all of that seemed like something the girl I had problems with at the social spot noticed. 

And then afterwards I remembered that i threw apples at a girl in the old theatre club which I didnt like. Also yelled at her and stuff. 

And then I remembered that the inner space of my apartment complex had some kind of giant celebration and party going on. And that everyone at the inner balcony was looking at it. With even people getting on my balcony or looking inside which I hated for privacy reasons. 

These dreams felt so real lol, when I was barely awake I still thought about that I might have a double personality which just barely notices what the other side is doing. 

Well I have new material for contemplation now.. 

Lol, I sorta had a variation of that thought again. 

It was another sor of sacred space I visited and where maybe met people and which was pretty dangerous. 

And it was connected to the girl in the old theatre club as well. 

What sort of psychological phenomena is this that it keeps reinventing something? 

When there was a situation where I didnt go for it with her even though I needed comfort and warmth so much. I trusted some godly intuition there, like either I trust my intuition or I will forever fall into fantasy land.