Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Feel a little rolled over. Meeting this many new people is demanding. OH, forgot to tell, have been on a little karaoke party from a friend of mine at a place I will job in now. This saturday I start. 

[Jannes]

Omg, in a sudden caffeine boost I just had a brilliant idea for a play. 

Traditional masculine men in a progressive/ feminist environement disguised as immigrants. To make a parallel between the prejudice and exclusion of immigrants in society and men in a feminist environement. 

[Jannes]

Yesterdays note: 

Time to go, but I feel like my medication isn't working. What the hell. I remember taking the box and even (somewhat unclearly though) swallowing the pill. And I haven't taken it in weeks so the effect should be fresh. Not sure what is going on. 

Oh and I feel a lot of fear. Of what or of whom I don't know. Maybe that's what's holding me back. Whelp ready or not it's time to go.

[Jannes]

Work shift is over. Men is was stressful. Especially at the bar, even though that was also the most fun part simutaniously. Most people are in agreement with that. 

I forgot how bad I can tolerate stress. Well maybe its a little different with medication now. 

There were like 3 jobs that I did. One at the bar. Most fun but also most stressful. At the entry, pretty chill. And as a runner, which I felt kind of super low status, running around partying people grabbing bottles. Maybe I need some ego work on that one. When I think about it, I liked the entry part the most. 

[Jannes]

That got me thinking a lot today. 

There is something like a last hold on my mental paradigm of morality that refuses to accept my situation. I have seen with my own eyes how many women would cheat or leave their bf or their engaged partner for a better option. And I whimp about it. 

... well I do accept it in a way but there is like a part of me that tries to moralize it: "People wanted to act well but got carried away by their fear and desires." -- or something like that. I think people are usually selfish as f. with a bit of authentic empathy. But the latter one is far smaller then their selfishness. Morality is a social contract. If we dont live up to it we experience negative consequences, which is why it is in our interest to seem like we are a moral person and this is why we also need to tel ourselves that we are to make other people think that we are, which is why it is so difficult to speak about immoral things out of pure selfishness that we have done. How does this make understanding those women difficult though? Well maybe, to rise up to the challenge, I would need to lay my own understanding of morality aside. But my moral code means life or death to me.  

[Jannes]

Listened to very beautiful music this evening outside with friends and it made me feel a lot of pain immediately. Mostly with a girl from my old theatre club and more. 

Every time there is a beautiful moment I get that. 

Got a picture in my head of my hand halfblocking the sun because I am out of flow with the natural love. 

[Jannes]

I am super overanalyzing my environement. Saw a guy and a girl who seemed to talk about me. Thought I cut a part of the sentence " ... but he is weak".

Not impossible that she is trying to get revenge on me. I mean the whole thing must have ended in a slander for her and she is pretty stage red and can mobilize a ton of people. Or I am interpreting shit because I am paranoid and have a bad past myself. Hard to tell. I am actually considering starting with material arts. Or pepper spray. Nah a shrill alarm is more clever. 

[Jannes]

I just discovered Ali express and loved the prices. So I put together a ton of little table tennis equipment that I needed, committing to buying all of it when I discovered at checkout that for every little item you need to pay 3 euros extra. My own sparingness is killing me, I feel like I get a burnout. 

[Jannes]

I think the best solution is to go to a table tennis store, try a few things and buy them there..

[Jannes]

The one girl from the old theatre club who was posing with the other girl from the old theatre club I had beef (in the exact time I had beef with her) with now changed her profile pic to one where she is womenspreading in the middle of nowhere with sunglasses on, shirt down so that one shoulder is uncovered and some kind of bossy hat. Glad she isnt posing with that one girl anymore, but no idea what that means now. Its obviously sexual, I dont give a shit and maybe a little bossy. Maybe I should interpret less..