Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Really hard to get new thoughts. Thats interesting, maybe I am exceeding my mental capacities. The one before was pretty effortless, now I am struggling. 

[Jannes]

I did it, I think... now I only need the finishing touches like signature and stuff. 

Sometimes people stop right before they get it. I feel a bit of that vibe coming. 

[Jannes]

Aight I need the right title. Thats .. doable

[Jannes]

Everything done. All I can do today is sent the digital versions. Tomorrow I have got to print it and sent the physical versions as well. So I would commit when I sent the digital versions now. But I feel like for my mental health its, I am not going to oversee the stuff tomorrow anyway I think.. Welp ..

Maybe I prepare everything so far that the hurdle to sent it is basically zero. I can do that. I will prepare the email and everything. 

[Jannes]

Also did that. 

The biggest task now is actually to get to sleep in time lol. I need to get to the secretary in time. Oh and I get my table tennis wood together, perfect timing. 

Also I think I want further tasks afterwards or I will fall into a hole. I want to go to a hairdresser with professional consultation and look for a place for ergotheraphy. Oh not speaking of needing a job, needing an internship, needing to register for new semester, wanting to work on my table tennis wood ...

 

Perfect a lot to do to always keep my mind busy from realizing spiritual truths. Lol, jokes aside, having lots to do is actually kind of comforting, how interesting. The jokes are all so real. 

[Jannes]

Has my writing become more beautiful? Kind of looks like it from the previous one. 

Could also be the medication, without them my mind is very fuzzy.

[Jannes]

So much stress fell off my shoulders yesterday night with the realization that I was done with all the task.

[Jannes]

Holy shit this is annoying. So my table tennis blade just arrived today. I was so thrilled. It looked good at first glance. An hour later when my system woke up I realized how fucked up it was. Small cracks covering the whole blade. This is what happens when it isnt sealed.

And she biggest shit is on saturday morning, half sleeping, I accidently clicked that the package already arrived when I just wanted to see where its at atm. And that put a timer on me to check if the product is good or not. And that timer went out an hour before I realized the shitty condition. 

Sometimes stupid blunders can make you furious. Thats not how I wanted to start my after housewriting phase. I dont know what to do with that wood now. If I seal it now I would fill the cracks which is bad. 

[Jannes]

Actually the wood seems to be okay. I asked a table tennis friend about it. I just dont know how unpolished wood looks like lol.

[Jannes]

I had a dream tonight that I was sexual with my trans friend. What a mindfuck. A wrote how I noticed how she was building some careful body contact that almost went into a seuxal direction which I said I wasnt comfortable with. And now it seems like she got her dick made into a vagina. 

...

I dont know what that dream means. She is one of the people I feel most close to and its very difficult for me to feel close to someone, there is also some transphobia in me and I also have some sexual gay-ish thoughts sometimes which I also cant really make sense of. All of that muddles the truth, either by the deep need to get something or phobia which pushes me away. 

Is it okay to just dont know? To simply cant make sense of it?

Well some would say I am connecting to the deepest wisdom there.  

[Jannes]

Took my Kinecteen (slow working medicinet) today again. 

I must admit I kind of feared not getting my shit done today without it. And in all honesty it probably helped with sending my university stuff, at impro and so on. But I always feel so pushed. If I dont have an exciting project or difficult task to focus on I am at such unease. 

I will definitely stop tomorrow. Will be good to really rest and relax. I just hope I wont have too little energy. Well a little caffeine could do the trick for the time in between, its way less potent then kinecteen. 

[Jannes]

After impro I met the new girlfriend of my friend. She seems super cool and confident. I connected with her over barefoot shoes though and it felt like we almost connected to well. I kinda wanted to get out of the situation but it was kind of locked, as she opened up a lot to talk. Little did she know that his last gf was interested in me which could trigger him. 

In the end I also stayed longer with them then I needed. I walked with the usual path with my friend. There was a moment where I felt like it could be the moment to go and leave them but I wasnt sure. Then it got just a little akward. Listening to your feelings is mandatory of navigating social terrain. 

[Jannes]

4 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I must admit I kind of feared not getting my shit done today without it. And in all honesty it probably helped with sending my university stuff, at impro and so on. But I always feel so pushed. If I dont have an exciting project or difficult task to focus on I am at such unease. 

I want peace in the moment back. Nanmaste 

Nanmaste doesnt fit here but I want to 

[Jannes]

57 minutes ago, Jannes said:

After impro I met the new girlfriend of my friend. She seems super cool and confident. I connected with her over barefoot shoes though and it felt like we almost connected to well. I kinda wanted to get out of the situation but it was kind of locked, as she opened up a lot to talk. Little did she know that his last gf was interested in me which could trigger him. 

In the end I also stayed longer with them then I needed. I walked with the usual path with my friend. There was a moment where I felt like it could be the moment to go and leave them but I wasnt sure. Then it got just a little akward. Listening to your feelings is mandatory of navigating social terrain. 

I kind of wanted to talk with him about my old theatre club situation. Well that got a lot more difficult now. 

[Jannes]

I had such a weird ass dreams today. 

Well I dreamed that I remembered something like a dream or a memory. Like I had the dream that I had a dream of something and that I couldnt figure out if that (in the dream) was a dream or an actual memory. 

In that dream (in the dream) I was going through some super dark cave. You couldnt see in it with your bare eyes. But because I was kind of mental I just wanked it and got through it. At the other side I was at some super secred dark place, with many levels. And I think I arranged something with some people there. My secret dark side activities lol. And all of that seemed like something the girl I had problems with at the social spot noticed. 

And then afterwards I remembered that i threw apples at a girl in the old theatre club which I didnt like. Also yelled at her and stuff. 

And then I remembered that the inner space of my apartment complex had some kind of giant celebration and party going on. And that everyone at the inner balcony was looking at it. With even people getting on my balcony or looking inside which I hated for privacy reasons. 

These dreams felt so real lol, when I was barely awake I still thought about that I might have a double personality which just barely notices what the other side is doing. 

Well I have new material for contemplation now..