Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

The reason I am still angry at the old theatre club is because the sorrow of everything I lost there is simply to overwhelming to face. 

I think I already mentioned that. 

[Jannes]

I got such a kick out of this little product trailer on amazon, I spent half an hour searching for it again for a lick of that sweet dopamine. Holy shit!

https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0FP5JZ6KT/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?pf_rd_p=cf5ead54-c2f4-4493-953a-430e94cae639&pf_rd_r=4TG4PJCY33FKYCG9HR2W&pd_rd_wg=qOCZ6&pd_rd_w=0Ed1i&content-id=amzn1.sym.cf5ead54-c2f4-4493-953a-430e94cae639&pd_rd_r=60bee80e-8f6c-41fa-b34e-908565d8b04a&aref=7Z2z94nCqB&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWw&th=1&psc=1

[Jannes]

An ex-theatre club member just texted me. I was super in conflict with him. He is asking to get shrooms and gives me kind regards. 

wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf !?!?!?!?!?!?

So obviously there is 90% chance this isnt about shrooms, he could get them anywhere and last time we met I ignored him ..

I changed me profile pic a few days ago so that could be part of it. I wonder if ... STOP I shouldnt overinterprete things. 

I almost wrote an impulsive response back immediately. No I should calmy write back and not fuck this up, its possible to solve something very important here. 

[Jannes]

Interestingly just a few minutes ago I made the inner decision that I needed to find my own happiness. 

Well .. there are always thoughts I have about stuff, thats a bit esoteric of me. 

[Jannes]

10 hours ago, Jannes said:

Interestingly just a few minutes ago I made the inner decision that I needed to find my own happiness. 

Well .. there are always thoughts I have about stuff, thats a bit esoteric of me. 

I thought a nap would clear my mind but not that much, I am still confused. 

The biggest one is if I want to apologize or not for ignoring him last time.

[Jannes]

I really felt some kind of chi energy again yesterday night. 

It really seems to be something about intense energy/ movement. 

[Jannes]

I am wondering more now if I should have kept ignoring him. My initial program of diplomacy feels a bit outdated, but its understandable why I didnt, he could have been key to reconnecting with the old theatre club.. he actually wanted just shrooms though it seems like, or mainly ..

[Jannes]

Yesterday I went to a university beach party. 

Just talked to one girl. And I actually did pretty well in our little talk. Its moreso that I dont talk to girls enough and try my luck that I dont succeed rather then that I am not attractive enough. 

But I know that.. I think.. 

[Jannes]

I am back at not knowing what I want from the dating scene atm. Do I want a relationship or feel sexual abundance?

 

In the direction of sexual abundance there are always so many obstacles and when there aren't any it often just doesn't really feel right. But never having done it also doesn't feel good.

 

In the direction of relationships I kind of have 2 girls I think could be good partners. Both pretty young, about 20 years old though, so maybe this age gap will be difficult.. 

 

..

[Jannes]

Yesterday memories flashed my mind. When I was like 19 years old I visited an old classmate of mine.

At that moment I felt so weird, like I was so old already and I already needed to have socialized a lot more. I felt so much sadness and sense of having missed so much. lol I was a baby back then. Now I am so much older and still live through the same sort of dynamic.

I am fundamentally wired differently for that outcome to happen continuously. 

Will see if my youtube block changes things fundamentally.

[Jannes]

On 15.7.2026 at 1:52 PM, Jannes said:

I am wondering more now if I should have kept ignoring him. My initial program of diplomacy feels a bit outdated, but its understandable why I didnt, he could have been key to reconnecting with the old theatre club.. he actually wanted just shrooms though it seems like, or mainly ..

So he wrote again because he missed the website I put in chat which has a 1 day delete 

So I answered him again but then added some real talk and problems i had/ have with him. Will see what happens. 

[Jannes]

Yesterday at the train station I saw a girl with short hair. That was a love at first sight moment. Actually this happened a number of times with girls with short hair. Obviously its mostly looks and vibe based but its pretty telling to what I am into, like I dont like the typical girly girl. 

[Jannes]

Damn my game was on point today. 

Worked out at the gym and saw an attractive girl and eventually collected all my courage and talked to her and her friend. 

Had a funny little opener "I looked all around the gym and you two seem to have the most developed talking muscle" (because they chit chatted all the time). So this opened up a fun little talk. 

Asked for her number and she said she is in a happy relationship but respects my courage for talking to her.

A bit later she even went in the same area as me on a training machine so it seems she was quite comfortable with me. 

Honestly I think I did pretty well. I wasnt even that socially warmed up or in state so considering that I rocked. 

But this immediately reframes the romantic situation I am in. I feel more in power, I feel like my status is higher. 

[Jannes]

Haha its similiar to the beach situation last saturday. I also went back and forth a bit until I collected enough courage. 

I didnt even set the goal to go for pick up again, simply the fact that I am more used to lower stimulation and going out more seems to put me into situations ...

[Jannes]

On 15.7.2026 at 1:52 PM, Jannes said:

I am wondering more now if I should have kept ignoring him. My initial program of diplomacy feels a bit outdated, but its understandable why I didnt, he could have been key to reconnecting with the old theatre club.. he actually wanted just shrooms though it seems like, or mainly ..

I wrote him about my problems with him back then and he didnt text me back within the last 24 hours. 

I am growing pretty angry because its important to me and I feel ignored. I mean its about shit like 3 years ago but still.

Maybe he answers back later, maybe not at all. 

I am actually kind of scared of confronting him, he has influence on other people of the old theatre club. Well I never went the pragmatic route..

[Jannes]

I am just in so much anger, its kinda painful like a constant light burn. 

I know I know its because of my old theatre club but what can I do ..

[Jannes]

I would love to throw a rock at a window of that dumb building but commiting a crime doesnt help me personally and wont help me get rid of my anger. 

[Jannes]

I had a weird bad dream tonight. 

I was alone at my parents house when suddenly someone strangely stalked the window, I took some cover to not be seen but I also wanted to see who is there. I went to the door I believe. Then I saw how one or two smashed a window. I ran upstairs, they seemed like troublemakers or robbers. I ran to my room and wanted to call the polive but a cartoonishly buff fat guy followed me "blurring something like you wanna call someone" implying that he knew I wanted to call the police and wanted to stop me. I looked at that tank thought for a second about a strategy and realized I didnt have many options. Just as a woke up I realized I must kick in his nuts if I want to have any chance. I didnt wake up shocked and in sweat or anything like that but it did wake me up. I stayed awake a bit longer thinking about my strategies. I should have went to another room where I could have went on the balcony and could have jumped off onto a table in the garden and from there jumped to my neighbors garden to another neighbors garden into the streets. (This was a path I mapped out once in case a fire broke out.) And I could have yelled that I am being robbed, call the police!!!

I think the source of this dream is pretty straight forward, I am confronting ghosts of my past and they have a lot of motivation to haunt me.