Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

WAIT, if it's not the case that he got shit despite being innocent then that wouldn't explain my case. Such a short time with so much pressure lifted off my shoulders. 

[Jannes]

I had a dream of doing it with a dude yesterday night. When I am lifted of a lot of social pressure my bi side comes out more. 

Weirdly in day consciousness I am basically never attracted to dudes. In my dreams I sometimes love to get nailed though. 

[Jannes]

I loved these things as a kid.

Wow, how can I only remember them now. How was I emotionally detatched from them ..

 

[Jannes]

The artist girl was there yesterday. It was a bit of a shock to my whole system. She is hella skilled socially, it doesnt even make sense. So I emotionally opened up but I dont really know how far I want to go. Really I created a boundary already, she has mental problems, a bf and overwhelms me, its not good.

[Jannes]

On 12.3.2026 at 1:54 AM, Jannes said:

He just told me he did sexual harassment. Oh my fucking God what is going on. 

I am not aware of any crimes that I did. This becomes very apparent when the freedom to confess them opens up and nothing follows. 

Aaaaaah I don't know what to think of my friend now. 

I confronted him about it today. He kind of sold it like he was the victim of ghossip and I wanted to clear that up. He explained how he did see himself as the perpetrator which I wanted to hear and explained many stories. 

Without the talk I couldnt be in peace with him. 

[Jannes]

Back to some serious self development, there is this dude which I am SO FUCKING AKWARD around. 

It was an experiment maybe a year ago, people I was comfortable around bored me, people who stimulated me I wasn't comfortable around. He seemed stimulating so I opened up to him with the intention that I could get comfortable along the way and then have a stimulating friend. Well I didn't get comfortable and some kind of childhood trauma kicks in and the situations that I create are so fucking uncomfortable.

Aaaah 

I thought I could explain that to him. Tell him I am awkward, not him. Tell him that if he wanted to, he could help me with taking this lightly/ jokingly. 

[Jannes]

Took Elvanse and experienced a huge productivity boost. 

Then I experienced a lot of heavy emotions which I usually cant take on which are sitting in my stomach and throat. Also a decent amount of anxiety. 

I dont think those emotions are neccessarily bad, some may have been stored up in me and its healthy that they came out. Or not. Idk

[Jannes]

If it is true that my normal state of consciousness is higher then that of usual people and only because I am not good at doing survival my consciousness is chronically nerfed, that would mean if I found a way to be good at survival without social pressure I would naturally connect to high states of consciousness. 
Well that's kinda what my daydreams are sometimes, for example being a lonely dude in a ship in space.

..

I managed to stomach today that my mom kind of makes excuses for my dad. My dad says he would work after retirement and this and that and I already knew nothing would come from this but my mom seemed like she believed him. Well my mom also points out a lot of flaws as well to be fair. 

[Jannes]

I had an insane start up idea today. I feel weird when I take medication because I act differently and people often dont know wether I am on medication or not. So I hate it when I do something on medication and people attribute that to my usual non medicated self and vice versa. Also it takes some time to explain to people how medication works. 

I thought about a hanger on a chain in the form of a pill which is digital. It would connect to an app and would light up. It could light up half full when the effect of the medication is halfway gone. 

I dont think anyone thought about this before, but I love the aesthetic of pills for some reason, I value authenticity and transparency and so it would make sense that this is not yet patented. 

[Jannes]

Will have a talk with my adhd doctor today. Last time she offered me she could give me psychological counsoling if I wanted .. I was happy I would only need to make the decision in 2 moths. Well here we are now. Fuck me idk. I cant sell someone that I am struggling because I am too attractive and girls would cheat for me and that is why I cant take a girl because I want to keep my values "STOP CRYING I NEED TO TALK TO PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS, THERE ARE LONELY PEOPLE IN THIS WHO WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A WOMENS GENTLE TOUCH AND YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TOO MANY OPTIONS, JUST TAKE ONE AND BE HAPPY." and you know maybe she would have a point

[Jannes]

5 hours ago, Jannes said:

Will have a talk with my adhd doctor today. Last time she offered me she could give me psychological counsoling if I wanted .. I was happy I would only need to make the decision in 2 moths. Well here we are now. Fuck me idk. I cant sell someone that I am struggling because I am too attractive and girls would cheat for me and that is why I cant take a girl because I want to keep my values "STOP CRYING I NEED TO TALK TO PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS, THERE ARE LONELY PEOPLE IN THIS WHO WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A WOMENS GENTLE TOUCH AND YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TOO MANY OPTIONS, JUST TAKE ONE AND BE HAPPY." and you know maybe she would have a point

Wow I actually went through with it. Talked about my problems. Told her that I struggle with flirting because of adhd. Said that I found too many girls who would cheat and that I have a problem connecting with them because of it. And it all went well .. It honestly boggles my mind ..

[Jannes]

What is really interesting is that my sexuality is deeply connected with how I feel about the world. 

Right now I got really comforted which changes my sexuality where I am comfortable with being more dominant.