Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Felt creative yesterday:

Oh look babe the sun is going down, what a beautiful sight. 

Oh yeah thats beautiful -- oh wait let me get my sun protection, I DO NOT WANT TO GET BURNED BY THE SUN, LET ME PUT ON SOME SUNSCREEN.

But Babe ... (goes away as the sun goes down)

...

The second coming of Jesus, HAH you really think Jesus genes spread!? Get real. 

[Jannes]

I fucked up with not taking care of my light foot fungus this winter. Now its summer and I love to go around barefoot, but I am ashamed of the fungus. 

Its much harder to take care of in summer because the fungus loves to grow when it is warm and I am ashamed of showing my infected feet in public. 

[Jannes]

Its SO hard to decide wether I want to write that girl who changed her profile pic. 

Emotionally I closed off to her and it's quite painful to reconnect. It's partially like the last time I revisited the old theatre club. 

My guess is that external pressure got to her. How I behave in my new social spot was communicated to her which might make me look less threatening and more in need. Or the second that different impressions of me collided and she as an opinion maker got pressured to show how she contributed to it. She was kind of last in line anyway, other people in the old theatre club already did that. 

Still I want to appreciate that somehow, but really she could have just written me a PM I don't know what this pretending is about.. Fucking actors .. 

[Jannes]

Probably when I get to talk with other people who hear something about me she is in danger of loosing social status if I talk shit about her. So might also be a tactic. 

Or she thinks I am up to grab as I didn't play to hookup right away with that girl who is likely in contact with people of the old theatre club and that's also her style. 

..

It's always a mix of many different things. 

Edited 21 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

I thought about my time in mid school a little bit. 

I was late on having a smartphone. If I just had a smartphone then my chances of getting a gf would have been so much higher. One girl literally tried to get to me through a "friend" of mine who got jealous and cockblocked me. 

Is there a lesson to be learned? Like should I get social media already .. ?

[Jannes]

And dreamed that I had plenty of people I recently got to know running through my childhood room. 
This is a very deep sign, as if I let people much more close to me.

[Jannes]

I dont have much to do, the weather is great and I am kind of pressured to do choose something. 

I will take a walk in nature again, its been some time. 

[Jannes]

I thought the walk would make it easier to reconnect emotionally to myself. But nah .. especially the part around that girl whom I could text, there is like a hard block in me. I just cant bring myself to open up to it again in a significant way. 

I think I opened up the most when the photo was fresh as that was really stimulating, now because that is gone my ability towork through my inner stuff is more difficult because the stimulation is lacking. 

[Jannes]

I found a bit of a fascination for military weapons. 

IF war and killing was cool, I would be a rocket launcher main, it would give me maximum creative potential. All the things you could blow up to get a tactical advantage. Unfortunately there isnt really the same potential for a rocket launcher in laser tek or paintball.