Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Socializing went great today. Spent some time on a puzzle and other spots so I talked to different people. Generally I feel different then from my usual socializing routine, much better actually. 

[Jannes]

What is interesting is when I got to the social spot yesterday I sat next to a girl that recently entered the social circle. I wasnt super social and sad I was a bit in my past. The girl asked if I want to be integrated by her hug which I agreed to. So just a basic over the neck hug to the right and left of her (to a friend as well). That moment was interesting, in my mind I was super certain that I wanted the hug. Not sure what it is but I liked her. But when I got the hug it kind of felt like to much. A basic light over the shoulder guarded by a thick jacket hug felt like too much. 

No wonder all the hug games are also though on me. And opening up. And everything.. 

Important status report. 

[Jannes]

The path to learning RV seems to be to learn and become conscious of how the ego mind tries to take control of RV.

I learned many tricks already. I had many initial first things which came to mind which I dont fall for anymore. I notice how when my mind graps something it likes to put an association to that in my mind and doesnt view anymore. 

[Jannes]

An old member of the old theatre club is posting some shorts. She became a christian preacher. She was one of the people I tried to built some contact with to ground myself but I guess I was so unstable it was too much. 

But it opens me emotionally to the dimension which could have been. 

[Jannes]

Spent time just by myself which was really needed. Finally did some things which were important to me. 
When I was going to bed I was catching the feeling I got when I was a bit uncomfortable about the cuddle, the whole emotional body. Is that the real me? How do I access this part of myself? How do I nurture it? What does that part of myself want? Is this the self I need to navigate while everything else is me trying to avoid reality?

I didnt get any real answers though. 

I was dreaming about playing in a soccer team. I actually really like soccer, in school I was just always less competent as all the other kids who trained more. I had a moment when I talked with a classmate about wanting to join a team, maybe as a goalkeeper. So many emotions came up back then, not really about the sport, but about the perceived sense of connection, of being part of something. I missed so much of that all my life. I wonder how it can be so natural for people to feel a sense of connection, well many had all this going on. 

Its so easy to socialize, if I just knew that back in the day. Could have joined a youth club. Hell in high school people even asked me. I think it was just too much to handle for me or I felt unworthy. Forgive me and forgive myself

[Jannes]

My dad lol

 

[Jannes]

What I dont really want to admit to myself is that I am not really comfortable with my social circle at the clubs in my city. Simply because its a status mismatch. I am way more attractive then most of them. Well and connected to that a vibe mismatch. 

I was wondering why I couldnt get into it but when I am really honest with myself, I just dont think of them as longterm friends. So being around them doesnt open me up to growth. Its different to other friend groups and people. I would like to be friends with them but I dont think its fully possible. 

Generally people with matching looks vibe together.

Its so ugly to swallow.

[Jannes]

I am doubting RV a lot right now. 

And it sabotages my practice. 
 

I wrote my trainer if he could provide evidence that RV works and that people pay for it and he hasnt answered yet. Well its sunday, but I feel a sense of unease as long as I dont have an answer. 

[Jannes]

I dont even know what I did today but somehow its night and I gotta sleep. 

[Jannes]

What a story to wake up to. 

 

[Jannes]

My RV trainer responded. He seems pissed. Terrible sign. 

[Jannes]

The 5 - 190 Euro range wouldnt be a problem though as after 10 weeks you get into the 50 Euro range. In case that will be relevant. 

[Jannes]

25 minutes ago, Jannes said:

My RV trainer responded. He seems pissed. Terrible sign. 

Well there was already lots of back and forth so after all of this I am implying that I dont know if he is a scammer or not so that isnt nice. 

On the other hand doubt must be something he faces regularely so that was a Red Flag of him. 

[Jannes]

I feel lonely but at the same time I dont anyone really near me. 

Part of it is also that I dont open up to the same extend I feel like. Sharing vulnerability creates a bond. Authenticity as well. 

Whenever I talk about something that actually moved me in my self help group or somewhere else it created a sense of connection. Maybe I just need to do that more. 

[Jannes]

I friend of mine offered to take picture of me for my dating profile. Super random. I have a long list of ways to interpret it but I think I just wont interpret it at all. 

[Jannes]

Impro acting went well today as well. Relatively little juice of my medication. 

What I did differently was I tried to give myself an emotion at the start and built from there. I didnt work out the way I thought it would work out but somehow I played more emotional. 

I really want to craft my technique. 

[Jannes]

When all I had for distraction was chess, I became addicted to that. 

I need to find "healthy" addictions. 

[Jannes]

There are picture in my mind of things which I wanted to express so badly but never did because I didnt have the technical skills. 

When I was at my worst state in the old theatre club I felt like it started to eat from my substance, like everything around my literal substance was burned down and what kept me up was my literal substance which was about to get infiltrated. I was about to turn insane. And there was almost some sense of freedom in there. 

I also wanted to draw a picture of feeling free and happy. A free and deeply happy face with a thunderer whistle as its nose. It was shortly before I left the theatre club. 

And something else.

Need sleep. 

[Jannes]

Met a friend at the doctor today. 

He was very open, I didnt even realize how reserved I was until he entered the scene. Sat next to me and we had a really good chat. When the doctor asked me in I didnt know how to built a transition and kind of just went. Could have just said, we can continue talking tomorrow or something..

He seemed a little confused when I came back after the meeting and took the initiative with a fist bump and "we can continue talking tomorrow". 

I felt bad about it. 

But still he invited me into a good vibe I didnt know I didnt have. 

It just shows me again how isolated I really am emotionally. Whenever I get invited its feels so good for a brief moment but it usually happens as a calculation error cause I usually dont give it back. 

While it feels good its also me getting support while keeping my sovernty whichis something the supporting person doesnt have so the grass doesnt need to be much greener on the other side. 

[Jannes]

Love seems to be my way out. In the form of romance. Romance makes it possible for me to open up, to go beyond myself.