Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Socializing went great today. Spent some time on a puzzle and other spots so I talked to different people. Generally I feel different then from my usual socializing routine, much better actually. 

[Jannes]

What is interesting is when I got to the social spot yesterday I sat next to a girl that recently entered the social circle. I wasnt super social and sad I was a bit in my past. The girl asked if I want to be integrated by her hug which I agreed to. So just a basic over the neck hug to the right and left of her (to a friend as well). That moment was interesting, in my mind I was super certain that I wanted the hug. Not sure what it is but I liked her. But when I got the hug it kind of felt like to much. A basic light over the shoulder guarded by a thick jacket hug felt like too much. 

No wonder all the hug games are also though on me. And opening up. And everything.. 

Important status report. 

[Jannes]

The path to learning RV seems to be to learn and become conscious of how the ego mind tries to take control of RV.

I learned many tricks already. I had many initial first things which came to mind which I dont fall for anymore. I notice how when my mind graps something it likes to put an association to that in my mind and doesnt view anymore. 

[Jannes]

An old member of the old theatre club is posting some shorts. She became a christian preacher. She was one of the people I tried to built some contact with to ground myself but I guess I was so unstable it was too much. 

But it opens me emotionally to the dimension which could have been. 

[Jannes]

Spent time just by myself which was really needed. Finally did some things which were important to me. 
When I was going to bed I was catching the feeling I got when I was a bit uncomfortable about the cuddle, the whole emotional body. Is that the real me? How do I access this part of myself? How do I nurture it? What does that part of myself want? Is this the self I need to navigate while everything else is me trying to avoid reality?

I didnt get any real answers though. 

I was dreaming about playing in a soccer team. I actually really like soccer, in school I was just always less competent as all the other kids who trained more. I had a moment when I talked with a classmate about wanting to join a team, maybe as a goalkeeper. So many emotions came up back then, not really about the sport, but about the perceived sense of connection, of being part of something. I missed so much of that all my life. I wonder how it can be so natural for people to feel a sense of connection, well many had all this going on. 

Its so easy to socialize, if I just knew that back in the day. Could have joined a youth club. Hell in high school people even asked me. I think it was just too much to handle for me or I felt unworthy. Forgive me and forgive myself

[Jannes]

My dad lol

 

[Jannes]

What I dont really want to admit to myself is that I am not really comfortable with my social circle at the clubs in my city. Simply because its a status mismatch. I am way more attractive then most of them. Well and connected to that a vibe mismatch. 

I was wondering why I couldnt get into it but when I am really honest with myself, I just dont think of them as longterm friends. So being around them doesnt open me up to growth. Its different to other friend groups and people. I would like to be friends with them but I dont think its fully possible. 

Generally people with matching looks vibe together.

Its so ugly to swallow.