Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Just called off partying today I feel like I need some time for myself.

But whenever I call something off I kind of feel like a looser. Damnit. 

And its interesting, this partying I am also afraid of and feel overwhelmed by created a nice background to enjoy my current experience more.. does it always require a background though?

[Jannes]

Politics is unnerving at the moment with Russia testing NATOs at its boarders. 

As long as it doenst hit you personally you can avoid looking at it, but this comes pretty close. 

With Trump in the white house who knows what shit will happen.  

[Jannes]

wtf 

 

[Jannes]

That I have demisexuel-ish preferences kind of sucks with an adhd mind as they in a sense work antigonisitically, but this also opens the question if one might be the cause for the other, if my adhd-mind causes demisexuel-ish preferences because my adhd-mind constantly chases something new and flashy and never gets to rest.

[Jannes]

Men did I have weird dreams today. 

First weird dream was that my dad made a bizarre car crash. For some reason he thought that crashing in a controlled way backwards is a good way to stop the car. Our whole car got surrounded with people who were interested to see whats going on. My dad usually drives extremely safely though, maybe thats why it was a bit bizarre. 

Then I was in my childs bed and some random boy showed up. I said to him, I wonder as which part of my personality you manifest and he crawls into the bed to sleep. I hear the alarm of my sister or mom to wake up and I tell the boy that I will talk to him as soon as the person goes downstairs, so they wouldnt think I am crazy talking to a ghost. Then the boy goes thats not how its done and vanishes. 

Then some really crazy coloured punk-ish girl shows up and confronts me. She confronts me saying that I am a supper immoral person because I get a bunch of chances but dont actually take them. I know of course what she means, I got a lot of dating options, but am picky about it/ have concerns. 

- Its an interesting point because these options arent for free of course, women put energy into it. 

And the last one is my mom knocking wildly at the front door of the house screaming let me in. Of course I would let her in, I dont even know whats the matter. Explanation would be that she hates her job and wants to start her pension.

[Jannes]

 

[Jannes]

I thought about doing Youtube. There are a lot of topics I am passionate about, like minimalism, random ideas, etc. Also Pokemon a bit, that could be a start. Its weird though, I am kind of afraid of putting my authentic self into it. 

[Jannes]

A tat too fluffy for me. Although the music is great and I did reach a few high consciousness moments. 

 

[Jannes]

The picture of an awakened person is one of a person with opened eyes. I feel like this is a depiction for those who want the gooddies but dont want to do the practice. 

[Jannes]

On 9.9.2025 at 2:36 PM, Jannes said:

Went to the hairdresser. 

Almost two weeks already. Need to keep that in check. 

[Jannes]

 

[Jannes]

42 minutes ago, Jannes said:

 

Gosh, what a robotic voice.

[Jannes]

Been really tired for the last two days. Just a lot of processing is happening I think. 

[Jannes]

Maybe I could write a book mentioning all the things that cant be put into words. 

[Jannes]

The reason I am confused over socializing is because I grapple with an invisible force, my bad experiences in the past. 

...

Was my goal with pick up to defeat this shadow from the past .. ?

[Jannes]

All the social skills I want to have exist on a level I am not comfortable with -- where letting people close to me is normal and opening up sacred parts of myself as well. 

The key to getting more comfortably socially is by opening up and healing. 

Pick up is a strategy to avoid that inner process. I will articulate why another time.. 

[Jannes]

We often try out all kind of things to fix something. Yet for some reason I never committed to a relationship. 

[Jannes]

I feel like this triggers some inner discomfort in me. 

Not sure when I ever reached this level but it does seem rare. 

[Jannes]

Notes yesterday before bed:

Felt some "psi-energy" going into bed. 

Then saw interesting colors. A color plate of powerful colors with black around. Energetically charged in a way. 

Then some woo/magic sort of energy. Ravens, vodoo and this sort of vibe. Power but not in a nice way.

While this was going on I processed the story about my old club and a story about a girl in the beginning in particular. And I felt powerful.

[Jannes]