Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Jannes said:

I was avoiding 1 on 1 body doubling sessions for some reason. Just started one again. 

I was so productive, it doesnt make any fucking sense. 

[Jannes]

I was doing some research on K-Pop-Boy-bands as I found the phenomena of very feminine men very interesting. And I stumbled across this video. 

Never watched anything like it, a bit overdramatic but wholesome at the same time. Let em be. 

 

[Jannes]

A disappointing evening. 

For one the girl who put a lot of warmth into our connection was significantly more distant today. Well I didnt match her energy so that makes sense. And I was wondering what her goal was.. There were a few moments today where she seemed to test me, a few times she came really close looking me into the eyes and there wasnt much space between our lips. I have a poker face in these situations though. 

I just naturally couldnt match her energy. She sat next to me once coming close and snuggling a bit, when I sat next to her I came as close but didnt touch her body. The thing is, I enjoyed that closeness, but I didnt have it in me to match that. Obviously that kind of killed the vibe or at least I felt so. 

I can resist, but I cant make something happen with the same energy. So there seems to be some kind of overestimation on myself. 

I wanted to built my state but I kind of couldnt. If you spent like 5 hours socializing you have to be careful with your energy anyway. 

To talk about something I even randomly talked about this K-Pop romance thing I watched which also seemed a bit like a vibe killer. Men I just felt so incredibly incompetent today.. 

Even at the goodbye I didnt really match her hug, I let myself hug way more then I put in. 

 

The artist girl didnt come today.

I am friends with a girl there and she told me that the artist girl seems to have a bf. I really didnt expect that as she asked for my phone number. 

 

I want to go back in the ring goddamnit. 

[Jannes]

There was a guys friend of the girl who put a lot into it. 

He kind of stared at me twice. Once like three weeks ago when the girl put a lot into it out of the blue and today as well when we seemed more distant. Especially today. 

 

Well it is how it is, I am not able to take this kind of closeness and she isnt really my type gf wise. 

But she built such a great vibe, on my own I play lower level games. 

[Jannes]

It could have been love bombing. 

But I dont want to justify my own stupidity when in reality she was actually extremely emotionally generous. 

I AM SO CONFUSED!!

Edited September 12 by Jannes

[Jannes]

On 6.9.2025 at 1:17 PM, Jannes said:

LOL! I just remember a moment in my life. All my long time ”friends" were together in my room and for some reason they all collectively picked on me. What the fuck. 

Well one person tried to defend me. It was one guy or his friend. 

 

On 5.9.2025 at 1:43 PM, Jannes said:

I remember how my high school "bully" once said to me "I am doing everything for you and you arent grateful" or something along these lines. 

He was very supportive actually. If he was that way to any other person in the class they would have bit and follow along, but he couldnt buy me. Not sure what he wanted from me really. 

I find it really interesting how and why my mind opens these truths, my survival situation (in this case social success) , really dictates the borders of my mind. 

 

Edited September 12 by Jannes

[Jannes]

23 hours ago, Jannes said:

When I was walking from the social spot yesterday, I was talking to one of the guys there who casually talked about all kinds of things. 
I know the dynamic well, when someone wont open up, in this case myself, you just talk about shit yourself without an invitation. Well in this case though it was weird. He talked about that he did sexual work on a cam. He opened up about something else last time which was okay, but I didnt really like this. Usually I am open and find stories like this entertaining, but this time it triggered some pain in me. In hindsight I didnt want to listen to it. I was surprised myself, I really have some unprocessed wounds regarding sex. 

I had a appointment with this guy and I missed it yesterday. Then he took the whatsapp text below the picture out. 

So in my emotional mess I was telling him that. AAAAh when I am emotionally in such a place I should just wait it out, wtf am I doing. 

He already responded telling me a good morning, that he thanks me for my honesty and that he wishes me a good day.. could also be french for fuck you. 

Edited September 12 by Jannes

[Jannes]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH 

[Jannes]

Had this rational thought before I woke up. 

Unconsciously I have all this desires and traumas that I unconsciously express. Then people act upon that, but consciously I dont even want to take the response my unconscious system has created because it isnt fully in lign with my unconscious. 

[Jannes]

This sounded better when I was emotionally unstable in the morning. 

 

[Jannes]

2 hours ago, Jannes said:

I had a appointment with this guy and I missed it yesterday. Then he took the whatsapp text below the picture out. 

So in my emotional mess I was telling him that. AAAAh when I am emotionally in such a place I should just wait it out, wtf am I doing. 

He already responded telling me a good morning, that he thanks me for my honesty and that he wishes me a good day.. could also be french for fuck you. 

My inner storm is calming a bit. 

But what I left is not okay. NOOOO

[Jannes]

19 minutes ago, Jannes said:

My inner storm is calming a bit. 

But what I left is not okay. NOOOO

 

 

[Jannes]

11 hours ago, Jannes said:

A disappointing evening. 

For one the girl who put a lot of warmth into our connection was significantly more distant today. Well I didnt match her energy so that makes sense. And I was wondering what her goal was.. There were a few moments today where she seemed to test me, a few times she came really close looking me into the eyes and there wasnt much space between our lips. I have a poker face in these situations though. 

I just naturally couldnt match her energy. She sat next to me once coming close and snuggling a bit, when I sat next to her I came as close but didnt touch her body. The thing is, I enjoyed that closeness, but I didnt have it in me to match that. Obviously that kind of killed the vibe or at least I felt so. 

I can resist, but I cant make something happen with the same energy. So there seems to be some kind of overestimation on myself. 

I wanted to built my state but I kind of couldnt. If you spent like 5 hours socializing you have to be careful with your energy anyway. 

To talk about something I even randomly talked about this K-Pop romance thing I watched which also seemed a bit like a vibe killer. Men I just felt so incredibly incompetent today.. 

Even at the goodbye I didnt really match her hug, I let myself hug way more then I put in. 

 

3 hours ago, Jannes said:

I had a appointment with this guy and I missed it yesterday. Then he took the whatsapp text below the picture out. 

So in my emotional mess I was telling him that. AAAAh when I am emotionally in such a place I should just wait it out, wtf am I doing. 

He already responded telling me a good morning, that he thanks me for my honesty and that he wishes me a good day.. could also be french for fuck you. 

 

On 11.9.2025 at 1:49 AM, Jannes said:

Well one thing was a little difficult at the beginning. I didnt go for a hug with one of the girls I knew. That wasnt something I really routinely did but she established that last time and I have many people I go for a hug for so I kind of exclude her. It felt right in that moment though because we kind of built a weird connection and I didnt want to entertain that anymore. But then I felt a lot of inner pressure that this such a dick move. I greeted another guy with a hug and then finally decided to go up to her for a hug as she stood there alone. This immediately put me also at ease and into more of a social state. Its hard to relax with kind of an unsolved conflict and it did feel natural. But she kind of looked for a connection at times, so I wasnt all wrong with cutting that off, it was pretty fair. 

 

On 1.9.2025 at 0:55 AM, Jannes said:

I built up all these stories about my old theatre club which collided with reality. I definitely over-demonized my old theatre club. But certain things are just a given there like pretending above being grounded. And a lot of shit happened, although shit happens everywhere. There were multiple situations which could have gave me access to the club though. 

 

The fact that nothing worked out ever pretty much implies that I am the problem. But its not like I am not trying hard.. 

There is an insight I am missing I think. 

[Jannes]

I dont get it. 

 

[Jannes]

...

The answer is self care right now. 

[Jannes]

I kind of blocked some inner growth distracting myself with Youtube. I think if I went through all of that very consciously, I could have maybe created a different situation. 

[Jannes]

If I want to write her, I dont want to wait too long though as then this seems to heavy. I just dont want to mess anything up, most things dont need to be said, they are already clear. 

[Jannes]

I NEED MORE CONSCIOUSNESS

[Jannes]

Made a long walk. The best thing I could have done for myself probably. 

I was such an emotional mess. I was laying on a bench at the sea, watching my city from the other site while it became dark and all the light light up. Having a really authentic connection with one person and sitting on the bench together there, thats what my soul craves. 

I hoped that I would have a clear direction afterwards, but no..

[Jannes]

I really want to feel myself. I usually dont. I might have to prioritize that more. 

...

I still dont really know what the agenda of that girl is and I probably overthink it..