Jannes

Finished the LP course

651 posts in this topic

On 1.9.2025 at 10:36 PM, Jannes said:

I am really starting to enjoy my beard. I go for 2mm all around but slightly longer on the mustache. Maybe 3mm. Also a clean seperation between the end of the mustache and chin beard. Below the chin slightly shorter then 2mm and faded into the chin beard. All around clean. Have a few black hairs at my neck which I pluck. 

Really happy so far. 

The last things I can think of which would maybe improve my beard would be trimming above my mustache a bit -- heard that this makes it look better. And maybe cutting my birn below my lower lip and above my chin into a certain shape. 

I already boasted about how I almost perfected my beard.
Well it was hard for me to admit but it didnt really work out. With my mustache at 3mm or so and the rest of 2mm it didnt match well and I didnt know why. 

A few days ago I accidently cut the sides of my mustache and then everythink looked in place again. I need a clean seperation between mustache and the rest of the beard, then different lenghts work really well. Not I feel like I really figured it out. xD

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Its about time to cut my hair again. But this time I thinking to go back to the hairdresser. I really just want to see if I made any mistakes and there are a few things which I feel I cant replicate that easily like cutting a cool pony. 

Its akward though to go back and after detching them for a haircut machine.

I am thinking that I can maybe pay extra for hair + beard. There isnt much to do for my beard anyway, but it would be a sign of appreciation. After that I could settle into only haircut again or leave forever when I take all the lessons. I will make tons of pictures though. 

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Told my adhd doctor about changing my degrees and she said that maybe I could help in democrazy education, likely hinting at the rise of the far right party "AFD".

I have nail polish on my left hand which probably implied sympathy with left leaning parties so that she got comfortable stating her position. 

I also noticed a very slight difference in how female cashier treated me, they seemed just a bit more comfortable around me -- not that they were particularily uncomfortable before but it just seems to be a little more relaxed now. 

This all seems a bit crazy, it brings me out of the position of a strict observer. Although when I ran around as a minimalist in black with Jeans I looked relatively right leaning as well. 

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About a month ago I bought a pair of shoes which were pretty much tailor made for me. The are barefoot-ish with more room for toes and are flat, they have a stylish off-white and beige mix and generally look good. 

They were pretty expensive though and might not fit every outfit. 

So I couldnt decide wether to keep them or not and waited for 30 days so I would loose my option to send them back so I am forced to commit to them. When you dont make a decision you make a decision. Well I could still sell them as new quality shoes.. NO, I am keeping them now!

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Went to the hairdresser. Luckily a guy whom I maybe only had one haircut from worked by himself today, so I didnt see the need to feel so bad for breaking a long term relationship ahaha.

I got huge value from that haircut in terms of experience. 

Well the haircut is kind of fucked up, because the pony is way to short.

But I observed very closely how he cut the rest. On the sides he only used one length which he faded with this going up technique I also used. Higher on the sides he used scissors to cut the hair shorter. In went up to a certain height and at that point left the hair as it was. I think I made a different cut but even with a different cut I could shorten the hair on top of the sides with a scizzor as well. 
For the area around the ears and the area behind my head where my head ends he took quite a lot of time. I knew some of the techniques he was using though. Thats the difficult part which always sucked. 

My sides are also shorter which looks better, but that is obviously something I can just do myself. 

 

In summary with the expection of the pony where I just made the wrong call my haircut does look significantly better. Some detail work and some cleaning work really do show. This is just motivation to do it better myself though. 

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My hairdresser even cut the sides of my beard down to what looks like 1mm. For some reason it looks really good, even though it didnt really look good before. 

 

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Yesterday evening: 

I feel weird. Well no, I think how I feel can be put more concretely. I feel pretty strong emotions and not really in control. 

The out of control makes sense as I spent in kind of a flow with socials spots, then with my parents, then too much YouTube. 

And emotionally it's a mix, sometimes I can't wait for my social spot and to see these people again, other times I feel overwhelmed. 

All of this support was great but I notice that creating your own love feels actually more pure. But maybe I only notice that because I feel a bit too dependent. The confidence I gathered really held up even to today. 

 

I can't really decide. There have been times where I enjoyed being around lots of people. These moments have been scarce but also what I have too keep in mind that maybe all my problems just kept me back most of the times. 

And then most of the time I was just looking for a few authentic connections. Deep connection is like a distant memory of mine but I think it felt so so good. 

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I dont really want to go to my social spot today. Its just so much atm. 

I dont know wether I am resisting because of trauma or because it isnt authentic to me. Which would be important to know. 

Well I am socializing because I feel like there is a lack so I guess I am right on track. 

I had this vision of having a flip turned where socializing would finally just click and it would be all awesome. Of course thats not how it works. Its slow progress. But the progress I already made is really good. 

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Just had this crazy thought. When I have troubles connecting with other people because I experienced so much abuse because I couldnt assert myself, maybe I find connection through creating borders.. Well with some people who I knew I had some kind of power balance advantage but who were cool in general I could open up to. How pathetic on my end. 

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On 8.9.2025 at 11:49 PM, Jannes said:

I dont know what happened today, but I binged for about 7 hours of youtube watching Pokemon and not getting anything done but still somehow feeling pretty confident at my social spot today, well, even a significant chunk more confident then ever before. 

I noticed how somehow I was looking to connect to one of my friends there where I was hesitant before. 

There is only so much confidence we can give ourselves..

Now this brings me into a difficult situation though, that girl that helped me committed in a significant way which puts pressure on me to not fuck up basically. But also the more pressure I put on myself the less things will work out I feel. Its the same with my ex f+, when we talked that there isnt any commitment, then I felt so free, easy and natural. 

Not sure if I know how to go about that though.

I think partially because the support is so big, that its hard for my mind to do things where I would loose the support.

Oh and my brain is fried anyway because of YT lolz.

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On 6.3.2025 at 7:21 PM, Jannes said:

"Deep love could heal me could kill me." - that was the main insight of my last mushroom trip. I crave deep romantic love so deeply as it could really heal some wounds. And I have quite a few yet I always had a feeling that they were healable. But I am so afraid of deep love because when it goes wrong I wouldnt know what to do. I am so sensitive to it, it could kill me. It feels almost like a gamble.

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On 18.7.2025 at 6:41 PM, Jannes said:

'The edge of your consciousness' 

4600EE89-152D-4A57-A1C0-7E67F4D8B0E6_1_105_c.jpeg

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Maybe a special mushroom meal could open my eyes, but in this state I really fight with the edge of my consciousness. 

The support is so so important for me that I cant judge things sober. 

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Its great that I have built such a long diary though, they give me strong pointers. 

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DOESNT HELP THAT MY PONY LOOKS FUCKING RETARDED!! -- sorry for my french 😂😂😂

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Today was one of the most uneventful social evenings since some time. 

Well one thing was a little difficult at the beginning. I didnt go for a hug with one of the girls I knew. That wasnt something I really routinely did but she established that last time and I have many people I go for a hug for so I kind of exclude her. It felt right in that moment though because we kind of built a weird connection and I didnt want to entertain that anymore. But then I felt a lot of inner pressure that this such a dick move. I greeted another guy with a hug and then finally decided to go up to her for a hug as she stood there alone. This immediately put me also at ease and into more of a social state. Its hard to relax with kind of an unsolved conflict and it did feel natural. But she kind of looked for a connection at times, so I wasnt all wrong with cutting that off, it was pretty fair. 

Another guy seemed really nice to me. I talked to his or one of his girls and avoided her completly after he overreacted a bit. Interesting. 

Getting back into real socializing today was good, I think I can take more closeness when I am in the moment, its just that when I am on my own its a bit different. 

Feel really tired right now. 

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Also I think I am becoming a bit more loose with whom I would have sex with. :D

Girlfriend material is one thing but even there.. its interesting, when I am socializing a lot I seem to become a little less picky. Not sure why. 

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8 hours ago, Jannes said:

Well one thing was a little difficult at the beginning. I didnt go for a hug with one of the girls I knew. That wasnt something I really routinely did but she established that last time and I have many people I go for a hug for so I kind of exclude her. It felt right in that moment though because we kind of built a weird connection and I didnt want to entertain that anymore. But then I felt a lot of inner pressure that this such a dick move. I greeted another guy with a hug and then finally decided to go up to her for a hug as she stood there alone. This immediately put me also at ease and into more of a social state. Its hard to relax with kind of an unsolved conflict and it did feel natural. But she kind of looked for a connection at times, so I wasnt all wrong with cutting that off, it was pretty fair. 

Will be in the same situation today. Really, going for a hug or going for avoidance are both bad options, even if one is less worse. 

The root of the problem is that I created this situation somehow. 

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I was getting the thought that maybe with this girl who seemed to support me I could talk about the experience with my old theatre club. 

Appearently a lot still isnt healed there. I was thinking that I probably wont find somebody who I could talk about this anyway, so now with this opportunity this might open up some things, especially because she seems to know people from there. 

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When I was walking from the social spot yesterday, I was talking to one of the guys there who casually talked about all kinds of things. 
I know the dynamic well, when someone wont open up, in this case myself, you just talk about shit yourself without an invitation. Well in this case though it was weird. He talked about that he did sexual work on a cam. He opened up about something else last time which was okay, but I didnt really like this. Usually I am open and find stories like this entertaining, but this time it triggered some pain in me. In hindsight I didnt want to listen to it. I was surprised myself, I really have some unprocessed wounds regarding sex. 

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I was avoiding 1 on 1 body doubling sessions for some reason. Just started one again. 

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