Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I am still really confused and messed up. I thought the walk on the beach yesterday got it fixed but nah. 

I am feeling anger now that I didnt get a public goodbye. 

[Jannes]

I feel very little desire for sex somehow. I rejected so much sex that it definitely created new pathways in my brain, so that its harder for me to just go for impulse. 

Well but I still have a bit of horniness, maybe its the whole emotional weight that I cant bear. 

[Jannes]

So wholesome 

 

Edited September 1 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Got a piece of paper in my mailbox on which was printed:

Info

Book to truth

"From shadow to Light"

from Ellen White

 

ffs some religious bs book. But its interesting that I got it at this moment in time, maybe someone knows me personally. 

[Jannes]

Honestly I am in a decent level of emotional pain. That I didnt get a goodbye from the club did hurt. If anybody the leader of the club must have understood my position as he got all the info yet he didnt speak to me and then didnt gave me a goodbye. 

I was angry before, now its a mix with mostly sadness. 

I reclaimed the moral highground though.

Shoud I still say anything.. He always preached to not take the easy way out, this would fit perfectly here ..

I really said everything I needed to say, if there was any insentive to talk he would and I am just tired ..

Edited September 1 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Today at impro I also didnt really feel like myself. 

This will take some time I guess.

I already had everything, just need to get back to it. 

[Jannes]

I am really starting to enjoy my beard. I go for 2mm all around but slightly longer on the mustache. Maybe 3mm. Also a clean seperation between the end of the mustache and chin beard. Below the chin slightly shorter then 2mm and faded into the chin beard. All around clean. Have a few black hairs at my neck which I pluck. 

Really happy so far. 

The last things I can think of which would maybe improve my beard would be trimming above my mustache a bit -- heard that this makes it look better. And maybe cutting my birn below my lower lip and above my chin into a certain shape. 

[Jannes]

Tomorrow I finally get or not get my adhd diagnosis fr fr , I thought it would happen earlier but now finally it is happening. 

[Jannes]

On 22.5.2025 at 8:56 PM, Jannes said:

Wild card - Remote viewing

If I were less open minded I would actually have it easier to get a normal job. So wouldnt it only be a sort of a natural balance that because of my disadvantage there that I would have it easier else where like finding a well paying job one could only find through open mindedness and that I also have the abilities to do it, ... please, please universe bend to my interpretation of you which has my human bias?

Like can remote viewing be a real thing people and I can make money from ?

So this is the first time I considered remote viewing. Its important to remember this because if it doesnt work, this is the whole time span in which this sucked up energy like a tumor. All this time I could have thought about other career possibilites.

If remote viewing is real then a formal training would give me the best shot at learning it. So this would be the quickest way to get this variable out of the way. 

[Jannes]

Please please pretty please. 

[Jannes]

Got an adhd diagnosis! The combined type.

...

I explained so much through adhd that not getting the diagnosis would have implied that a lot of my sensemaking was wrong. So this feels very freeing.

Edited September 2 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I get access to medications. Theraphy is available but I will have to wait for it for about a year. 

I can write my argumentations for still getting student loans. And I get some more small benefits like more time for tests in university. 

...

Looking forward to testing the medications. I need to test medicinet first which I dislike from experience and then get access to selvanse which is also the gold standard besides medicinet. And then there are other medications as well. 

[Jannes]

So there is this good looking artistic girl which asked for my phone number. I was texting her and to get a start into the conversation I told her about my recent thoughts about fashion. Now I feel like it seems a bit over the top and tryhardish. This is often something I do, but I dont think it creates a gentle vibe, more one where I want to proof my intelligence to her or something. I dont need to proof shit. 

[Jannes]

I was texting with this girl I found on a dating app, or moreso I got into my A-Game as I wrote a reply. Then she responded immediately. 
I got completly out of my space unable to come up with anything. What the hell. 

[Jannes]

56 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I was texting with this girl I found on a dating app, or moreso I got into my A-Game as I wrote a reply. Then she responded immediately. 
I got completly out of my space unable to come up with anything. What the hell. 

Saved it. 

[Jannes]

Men everytime after a few hours of socializing there is always so much to tell. 

Okay first, I felt a bit off after visiting my old theatre club again. Because its all about acting there, the behaviour is much different and just coming in touch with that again already stirred up old patterns in me, that I felt off the whole time and getting to the social spot it really catched my attention. I felt a little cringe even, my behaviour was a bit more pretentious and it wasnt even really possible to get to my core. Well all in all I make more out of it then there really was probably but this tendency was present. 

Second the girl which I somewhat avoided last time at the new social spot because there was more interesting competition and where I had so many bad feelings for I saw again. Well nothing really changed, only that she actually stepped up her game just a little bit to seem more interesting, but it seemed a bit tryhard. Well that it didnt give me any disadvantages doesnt mean its right but still an interesting observation nonetheless. 

Third the artist girl which asked for my phone number was there as well. Well I texted her the message which I felt I overdid a bit and she came up being like she thought about an answer but then didnt respond and asked questions like how did I come to that answer and so on. She has a lot of confidence to her. And here comes the important part, I actually felt emotions for her. Very surprisingly. I stood there a bit like Obelix in front of Falbala. I was surprised myself about what these feelings even were. I really dont feel genuine love often. It wasnt even strong but that quality at all was a rarity. She was painting again and told me where she was painting. I got there like half an hour later and chilled with other people around her. She probably always naturally has company when painting. She didnt give me much interest at all, I was almost like a stranger. Stood there anyways for a bit, took my chances to make small jokes where it fitted in, she made herself nail polish and I got nail polish as well on my middle finger. After it dried out I got back to table tennis. Some of her friends examined me just a bit. They looked very stylish and seemed very nice. Also pretty young, not sure how young she is, maybe in her very early 20s, she is guarenteed 18 though. Because she didnt give me much attention at all at her spot I didnt really feel like going back, at the end of the night she hugged me though, like other people as well. In a sense with this there is no room for fear or any of my social weirdness that is left. I cant really tell what she is about, she asked for my phone number also when I was rather shy. I think she wants to figure me out as well. 

Interestingly with her I found she challenged another girl I had this place reserved to. She was from the old theatre club but I ultimately rejected because .. well I dont want to get into all the details right now. Didnt really know I even made that place, wow.. 

Of course I shouldnt put to much into a girl I barely know but interestingly I naturally dont invest to much into it. Its really interesting how a deeper sense of confidence and not neediness is built into my patterns, it was really easy to go about her not giving me so much attention and so forth. 

 

Spent some time with two guys afterwards. I was alone with one guy at the end and he seems like a total INFP talking about his emotions and so forth and he said that he sometimes spents more time with people who he doesnt really like because he wouldnt get hurt much if they were shitty to him and sometimes less time with the people he really likes because he could potentially get much more hurt by them. Not sure if that was aimed at me.

I have my problems with closeness and distance though which can make it difficult for people to get to know me, especially if they are scared of rejection because that is a really real thing they can encounter with me if too much closeness is getting uncomfortable with me. 

[Jannes]

Listened to that today in the social spot. Really like this song. 

 

[Jannes]

Interestingly with social success outside my old theatre club I am more interested to get back into there which is the opposite of what I expected. 

[Jannes]

Finally got a bright bathroom light installed. This will update my grooming to the next level, many hairs on my neck for example I could never see without strong light, but when I was shopping for example I saw them. 

[Jannes]

I am realy scared to go outside again. Its been a while since I felt so much fear. Not sure what it is, but my guess is that it is because of all the progress I made yesterday which scares my current identity. There are a lot of new connections I built with people, its hard to keep up. Emotionally as well.