Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

10 hours ago, Jannes said:

Bought some chickpeas and syrup, then I can do some healthy cookie dough. When I was vegan, that was my favourite recipe next to smoothie bowls. My big mixer broke and its hard to do in my small one but maybe its a worthy investment.

 

Made this for breakfast and now I feel sick. 

[Jannes]

Its like they put their whole body, everything they have built up on the line just to stay in touch with their values. This takes a lot of courage. Its really inspiring when the a value gets a full chance to manifest itself in the world. 

 

Edited Saturday at 11:51 AM by Jannes

[Jannes]

A part of the day to day experience of a producer... 

[Jannes]

Oh I misread about FlowClub. I thought it was 50% off, so 20 dollars a month with student discount, but its only for the first month! 

This is hard to justify, even with how good it is, there have to be cheaper options out there.. 

[Jannes]

Here we go again. 

 

[Jannes]

 

 

 

 

Parking some here as supply. 
I have never watched streamers, so this feel a little weird I have to say. Like the person provides a certain virtual closeness but doesnt even know me. Well it works, but its weird. I should really find a new source for body doubling. 

[Jannes]

I have just taken a long walk to a big grave yard and back. Unfortunately the grave yard was already closed, I like reading text from tombstones. 

This was great. Just like I was avoiding going to the gym, I noticed how I was avoiding going out and being by myself. 

I think there the main reason for it is that when I get a lot done through conscious work because of body doubling then this subtracts from the energy I usually put into myself. So when I both want to get things done and spent by myself, I have to increase my workload steadily over time. 

Also body doubling in a way opens the door for socializing and distraction.

[Jannes]

I am about to do some commitments. What I realize is that a lot is kind of in the air and I have no routine. I still havent changed degrees ultimately, still havent started Remote Viewing, havent started any creative pursuits, have no outside routine like university or a job right now. 

I do socialize though. 

I may need a bit of a structure. 

[Jannes]

Wrote an email with questions to a Remote Viewing school. This could be my way in. 

[Jannes]

I have drawn a bit today. I dont have a lot of tolerance for frustration when things dont go well. But I am capable of getting into somewhat of a flow state in drawing, something I rarely experience and would like more of. 

I still feel like acting is a more natural creative pursuit to me though, but I havent drawing and all the other pursuits to the same degree yet. 

[Jannes]

Just made myself a certain spicy tea 🍄 

 

The ingredients are very old though, I almost got nothing out of it. 

[Jannes]

Just had a brief informational talk with a processor. Its unlikely that I am going to get further student loans if I switch degrees. I basically have to find pretty radical arguments why I cant continue my study, I can ask chatgpt to scan this diary for reasons I have listed. 

If I dont get further support I would need to take on a part time job. I wouldnt even hate that.

[Jannes]

 

[Jannes]

So lots of inner things happened yesterday.

I was in my impro group again and noticed how I felt kind of ackward because I isolated myself the days before but I rapidly regained grounds and I felt it. I was looking for an satisfying inner click which didnt happen but it wasnt necessary. 

I realized that I am often pretty reserved and often the people who do exactly the things which seem akward are the most confident. So through that desperation of wanting to shake off the akwardness and the ideal of how genuine confidence would function I went more out then usual. 

But because I spent lots of time alone I also had completly fresh batteries from human bullshit, so I could take that.

We went eating afterwards as ususal and one of the people there who I appreciate talked about going to a festival for a few weeks which I asked him about and he said explicitly that he would like it if I also came. And that triggered something in me.

Its not that I am usually not integrated but it seems like what I need is a very authentic signal, everything else doesnt really penetrate through my skin. 

But also the last couple of days I felt very content just on my own, constant contact and drama with other people isnt for me, so that was confusing, how I could be triggered, if I would actually be happy on my own. 

 

But I got a bit turned up afterwards. 

And it revealed how I often feel so much like an outsider usually. It was very revealing how my psyche kind of made the switch: This person accepts me, therefore people in general accept me.

 

There are many people in my life which I am kind of close with and suddenly the idea spawned in my mind that I should maybe get in contact with them again or speak about some things that need to be cleared up. 

 

That this would have such a strong effect on my mind is nothing new to me, its scary that I have forgotten this. 

 

I want to locate that fu*king switch in my mind and make it autonomous. 

 

... 

I think I already made my mind pretty autonomous and maybe this actually makes socializing harder because socializing is often co-relying on each other. But I also cant get to the next level of complete autonomy because I likely get less and less support. Not sure if complete autonomy is even possible and what that would mean.

Edited 8 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

Just now, Jannes said:

I want to locate that fu*king switch in my mind and make it autonomous. 

 

On 18.7.2025 at 6:41 PM, Jannes said:

'The edge of your consciousness' 

 

 

[Jannes]

On 24.7.2025 at 8:25 PM, Jannes said:

In terms of working through shadow stuff, I have little shame about being interested in porn, but for raw presentations of power I feel intense shame and cringe that I get one up when I indulge in it. 

 

 

Haha, I am naturally not that agressive though which is why I in a sense its not as important for me to fully integrate that part, but that doesnt mean its not important at all. 

[Jannes]

I have got mail from the remote viewing school. 

They answered my questions shortly but professionally.

I even asked if their degree is important for finding potential clients and they said it isnt, only the skills matter. So they could have lost me as a client right there which points to them having not wanting to steal peoples money. 

 

I asked them how much they would pay for completing a remote viewing order and they said 50 euro with room for more and that they would sent orders as long as I am interested. 

If its 50 euros for a 45 min research that would be good money. In my experience it takes a high degree of concentration to do, so you cant do much more then 2 a day.

 

....

My bias is that I want this to be true because I need money. So I have to be aware of my mind spinning up fantasies and rationalizations. 

[Jannes]

This is so beautiful, not just the city itself but the intelligence that created it. 

And on a meta perspective also, you arent a complete slave to bad conditions, with the use of intelligence you can transform them into a thriving environement. 

 

[Jannes]

There are too many choices I have to do right now.

Decide if I want to go to the festival with this guy, decide if and who I want to write, decide how I should continue about remote viewing, decide if I write an email to finish a module for a seminar this semester, .. decide decide decide its a little much. I need the right kind of environement to work through this which is either outside or maybe in a body doubling session. I should also get the body doubling fixed as this is cruical for everything else I want to do. 

[Jannes]

I just cant do any of these recorded body doubling sessions anymore without feeling like an incel. 

I am giving FocusMate a try. Its 1 on 1 which is a little scray, groups were a lot less scray. But interestlingly I grew a lot of online confidence. It was weird talking online at the beginning but it feels very natural right now. 

Anyway 1 on 1 might be different for my productivity then groups so its worthed for experimantation for sure. 

It will be 5 dollars a month but thats not a big deal.