Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Acting just doesnt leave me. And the theatre itself also not, it just gives so many possibilites to express in an over the top adhd style.

Well I dont have to become a professional actor to have it in my life, but when I do it with non-professionals you just dont come to the same quality. At least the impro theatre group I am in is so far away from actually doing acting, like none of them try or might even think that it is possible to make things seem authentic. 

[Jannes]

I did an internship with people with handycap years ago. 

What I realized there, was that I could be pretty emphatic but the goal of this place was simply to help these people go about their day so they dont suffer to much and have some enjoyment. But that was it. And its really not like this is nothing. But it wasnt for me..

In the same way I am not sure if I want to be a social worker helping people just go about their day.

If I can I would rather want to guide them towards something higher, help them heal in a deeper way, or create something extremely beautiful. 

[Jannes]

Again I seem to come to a similiar conclusion:

On 17.6.2025 at 9:53 PM, Jannes said:

-> Artistically pointing out existential beauty in relative uglyness to heal people.

 

But maybe its not about just healing, I think I had a bias towards it because I needed healing myself. 

But coming in contact with the existential is beautiful in its own way although a side effect can be healing. 

I think I am very good at finding truth/ an authentic voice and I am naturally very creative and abstract thinking. 

This renewed articulation seems more true to me now as it comes less from a sense of lack.

 

> Conveying existential truths in abstract artistical ways to make people more conscious. 

Edited yesterday at 05:49 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

I just thought about what has really changed since I came to my first articulation, because it seems like its still somewhat similiar. 

Purely for LP: I seemed to heal a lot which helped to narrow down my LP. I accepted that teaching isnt for me. 

What hasnt changed is that I still cant let go completly from acting or the theatre. But in a way thats also process as even if I might not work professionally there, I might have to accept that I will integrate it as a part of my life. Small theatre groups are everywhere. 

[Jannes]

In terms of working through shadow stuff, I have little shame about being interested in porn, but for raw presentations of power I feel intense shame and cringe that I get one up when I indulge in it. 

 

 

[Jannes]

I feel like wrestling is one of the funniest things to examine metaphysically. 

I feel like wrestlers are people for whom regular fighting sports just dont give enough satisfaction, like punching someone in the face still isnt satisfying enough. So they make a whole art about celebrating 'punching someone in the face' in the most powerful and artistic way possible. 

 

 

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Jannes said:

In terms of working through shadow stuff, I have little shame about being interested in porn, but for raw presentations of power I feel intense shame and cringe that I get one up when I indulge in it. 

 

 

Watched a few of those videos and I feel drained. Its always like this. With a hit song as well. I wonder if it has something to do with adhd that there is less limit on my emotions. 

It can be used in some cases like in acting though. 

[Jannes]

I am running circles from going to the gym. I took a break for about 3 weeks for some reason. I often went to the gym to feel somewhat productive after not accomplishing anything. But now that I do thanks to body doubling and the added exhausting I feel less motivated to go. But this is the moment now!

[Jannes]

I did it. Its interesting, each time I have such a long break that its so fresh that I have a new idea each for training each time. 

This time I did stop at the top for lateral raises but at like 45 degrees, so I stayed in the 45 to 90 degrees area where the tension is the whole time. That seemed to work really well. But training just feels pretty boring. But it feels healthy, like my body and mind feel better now. 

[Jannes]

Yesterday and today I feel slight tingling in my feet for some reason. I also experienced it a few weeks back once as well. 
 

My diet is good, I take my vitamins. It might be because of underlying stress. Well on the outside I do feel pretty relaxed but there is a lot of inside movement/ growth happening. So maybe that inner stress manifests itself through slight tingling in the feet. 

[Jannes]

I feel strangely emotional/ moody today.

I am thinking back about my old acting club that I left and the leader of the club who hasnt messaged me back and it seems like he likely wont, maybe I was hoping to get something out of it and the opening is closing.

 

Or because I couldnt take care of myself that well in the hardcore seminar phase, so the emotions are coming now. 

 

Or because unconsciously I meet some kind of developmental milestone. 

 

I dont know. I like it when I know where my emotions come from, when some random fuzzly hard to identify emotions come up.. I hate that, its like being smacked but you dont know by whom. 

Edited 9 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

On 14.7.2025 at 2:18 AM, Jannes said:

this has a very short introduction:

 

Usually in moments of emotional confusion, meditation can be very valueable. 

Its the last thing you want to do and thats why its the best moment to do it. 

And I havent finished making a list of good guided meditation audios. 

[Jannes]

Wow that meditation went terribly at the beginning, I couldnt keep focus on my breath for more then 3 seconds. But this shows me where I am, which is also valueable. 

 

So towards the end it got me thinking that the last days also forced me out of my rythm, so I need to recollect myself. But thats more of a small point. 

The deeper point which I kind of repressed and or didnt think much of but might be bigger is something that happened to me two days ago and might also influence my relationship to the old club. 

So I got basically a bit of weird text message from a girl from my current impro club being a bit necessarily open about a detail which I feel implies a step towards building trust, possibly intimicy. She seems to be in a polyamorous or open relationship with another guy from the impro group which I really appreciate. So first, even if they are open these relationships models are messy and I dont want to disturb the friendly vibe going on and second I dont even think I want to sleep with her, the vibe isnt really there for me and it would also be hard to make it a one time thing.

At the same time at my social spot I found the other girl who was nice but not really my type. And then she made some hints which seemed like an implication towards sexual interest, like that she looks for a way to relax but she also cant sit still and always wants to move. Of course that isnt a direct sexual implication it can mean other things as well, but because of our dynamic from before this would make sense. 

So basically there seems to be little room for normal 'platonic' socializing. 

 

Yesterday at the gym I felt a bit of disgust for female energy, female body, even pussy. 

[Jannes]

My whole relationship to sex is very layered and polluted. On the one hand I am 'actively on the hunt' on the other hand when it is presented to me I get sensitive, objectified, etc. 

 

I cant really make sense of the whole picture but I can point out a few dynamics and bad actors (in my mind) which might pollute my authentic voice in this matter. 

1) I have difficulties transitioning from good vibe with a girl to something sexual. -> This could result in emotional avoidance because I might fear that I embaress myself.

2) I have an ego for lay count. -> I might go against what feels good for me to get my egos needs met. 

3) I think with my dick -> When you think with your dick you can go against what feels good to you authentically

4) I have some sexual blockades because I experienced much sex which didnt feel that good before -> maybe I recognize that I would like to be more openly sexual but these blockades unconsciously prevent me from it. 

[Jannes]

What I find interesting about this is that I opened my consciousness to a situation which is outside its reach. I dont know what feels authentic to me right now so I have the chance to align myself in a bigger picture. This is real growth territory. 

Although now that I think about it, I think I am just looking for sex with a person with whom the vibe is right. And its not like these situations arent happening, I have a few very real faces in my head where this vibe is happening.  

I might not archieve this level of opening up to more sacred vibes often because I am unclear about what I want and waste my energy on things that arent authentic to me. 

[Jannes]

What is also difficult for me is setting boundaries. If you avoid confrontation to keep the vibe I experienced time and time again that this doesnt ultimately sent the message. I am bad at confrontation, its the opposite of what I am natural as a mediator. 

[Jannes]

This reflection was such an act of kindness to myself. You know when you had a conversation with somebody and really felt like they cared and wanted to help you and you feel a subtle sense of sensitive warmth which afterglows a little? This is how this just feels to me in a very sublte way. 

[Jannes]

2 hours ago, Jannes said:

you feel a subtle sense of sensitive warmth which afterglows

What a way to break the vibe but I hadnt finished my throughts on wrestling. 

___________

Wrestling is a conscious celebration of maximized catharsis.       // I quite pleased with this articulation so far.

 

In a way thinking about wrestling helps me to be more open to different kinds of love as wrestling is a very unique kind of love. 

Wrestling itself might be a bit or even very stupid, but scripting these matches takes a ton of creative intelligence, you cant just make this up. This match kept the tension all the way through, you couldnt anticipate the ending. 

Its like a deceptive snake, a honest hero and an arrogant and cocky bull fight it out and all of these character archetypes manifest themselves in the fight, yet it naturally and maybe with a little plot will balances itself out in such a way that the hero barely wins. 

Thats what I feel is an important element in writing -- look the reason everyone exists is because everyone finds some kind of success. Its almost never the case that there are clear winner and loosers. 

 

Edited 4 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

https://www.actualized.org/insights/depiction-of-infinity-03

hmm...

On 28.11.2023 at 0:59 PM, Jannes said:

How would it feel like when all the suffering you felt in your entire life would get compressed into 1 sec? Or one millisecond? If the suffering of the entire universe would be compressed into it? How would it feel like to get a very low percentage part of that super compressed suffering? How would I feel after it? Is it a good exchange, your whole life suffering in one second and then you are free from all suffering the rest of your life. It's probably the mind thinking in strange loops, nothing is won or lost in that. Still I am so curious how that would feel like. 

For some reason I wondered about this for years so I finally wrote it down. But I have no idea what the source of this curiosity is..

[Jannes]

I almost didnt go outside today. I feel like I have got a lot of self care done though. 

Bought some chickpeas and syrup, then I can do some healthy cookie dough. When I was vegan, that was my favourite recipe next to smoothie bowls. My big mixer broke and its hard to do in my small one but maybe its a worthy investment.