Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Many people told me that I would be the worst teacher ever because of these reasons. Its true -- but when I do something for other people I tend to have enough brain power to organize way more. 

And some of my actual teachers told me they could see me as a teacher.

Still its probably for the better that I quit, there are likely way better career options for me. 

[Jannes]

I like my new beige shorts. I am still not sure about the pockets at the front but they seem alright. I bit modern. 

I have worn beige before, not sure why I took a break. Well maybe because it looks so normie like, like you are super integrated into society, and 'lost in maya' -- is an illusion in and of itself. There is nothing spiritual about wearing loose white shirts either. 

[Jannes]

Feel like distracting myself, not sure why. 

[Jannes]

There are two exams I really wanted to do this semester but with the goal of getting my teachers degree. I quit both of them right now, so this is the first commitment into changing my degree. 

[Jannes]

When I dont have a path towards where I am going, this is scary. I dont really know what to do, I plan as I go. I probably start my new free trial for Flow Club and go from there. 

[Jannes]

Midday naps regularely randomly bring me in touch with higher consciousness states, unlike regular dreams. Not sure why that is, but I just experienced it again. 

[Jannes]

The reason why I like acting so much might not actually stem for acting being something super special but rather that it is one creative outlet that works for my brain chemistry. When I am there, in the moment with other people, this is kind of an integrated body doubling. 

So maybe when I just do some more drawing and stuff WITH body doubling, I might enjoy it just as much or even more. 

[Jannes]

Went back to FlowClub body doubling today. 

The body doubling videos went so well, I didnt even know if FlowClub would be as strong but it went really well. And the introduction at the beginning and the talk at the end kind of brings you into a social state which is great. 

I also managed to join the adhd discord server finally, for confirmation this time they sent me a whatsapp instead of an sms which worked. 

On the server 2k people are online. Seems promising. 

[Jannes]

Nevermind it doesnt seem to have a body doubling section. 

[Jannes]

I feel guilty or ashamed for some reason right now and want to compensate for it. 

Edited July 18 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I just had an endurcance fight with eBay over 70 Euros they have to pay me back. This made me feel alive how I stood up for what I deserved. 

[Jannes]

I usually avoid conflict but with the power of body doubling I managed to push through. 

[Jannes]

I just realized that they reason asking for a phone number but not other things is pretty easy for me is just because thats what I have done by far the most. Its almost like a reflex. When I train other things these pathways will grow and become just as natural. 

[Jannes]

Yesterday was wild. 

Its too personal though, despite everything I shared here, I wouldnt be comfortable sharing this story... My brain can be too imaginative sometimes. 

Its all good now though. 

[Jannes]

So I am preparing for a seminar next week and read about 8 pages of philosophy which took me about 2 hours, including taking notes and everything. It wasnt really hard philosophy. Afterwards I ate a peach and my teeth seemed to hurt maybe because I tried to concentrate so hard that I pressed my teeth together. 

Yeah this is a very serious limitation on my mind. I dont even think that what I read was hard, its just that when my mind is not engaged and doesnt want to know something its so so difficult to push through.

[Jannes]

My brain is absolutely cooked today. The seminar was from 9:15 to 17:00 with a one hour break in between but other then that NONSTOP PHILOSOPHY with lots of heavy reading. 

Thats just to much, especially for ADHD. My brain kind of feels violated and stupid. Other people left the seminar earlier as well because it was just to much. 

 

But the people at the seminar are cool. Kind of got friends with a girl there as we went to the baker together in the break. We could collaborate very well in the beginning which was great but she isnt really my type otherwise. 

There was also another girl which I had seen in other contexts but didnt really got to know her. She seems like an incredibly aware person with a ton of sensitivity, like we had a few interpersonal moments which squeaked so much, this sort of level is very rare. And she kind of does the same thing as me that she often just smiles at people who are near them to greet them, or in between and it doesnt really feel like flirting but its very heartwarming. 

 

Then there was a moment in the seminar near the end when the author talked about less developed moral systems in some tribes and how it seemed racist to talk down to them. And I just couldnt take it and made the point that there are certain theories about development like spiral dynamics which can explain why cultures may be less developed but that it explains that its not something intrinsic about the culture itself but rather circumstances like geography or history which give some cultures the edge to develop further then other cultures. That didnt really land and I just shut up. 

These people there are the most vibrant stage green you could find. They hate and have no tolerance for any sort of hierarchy, racism etc. and are relativists. 

It almost felt surreal, I literally had the manifestation of the stage green worldview right in front of me and I could explain the difference between stage green and stage yellow but I didnt really succeed in that before and I was already in a somewhat "risky" position to get along as the only men in the seminar that I didnt say anything. I am thinking of wearing typical stage green things tomorrow, I have got a colorful chain for example. Is this an conscious way of letting peer pressure corrupt me or a conscious one? 

[Jannes]

Took a 3 hour nap and my brain steel doenst feel at ease. 

[Jannes]

This seminar sucks a little right now, but generally I have to say, I am WAY WAY more emotionally stable and healthy then just a few months back. 

[Jannes]

Seminar done, in the end it became quite interesting. Traditional morality from Kant and Mill got slandered which was great. 

 

Unfortunately the girl I liked much was at work. 

I got into a weird situation. Yesterday a girl invited me to go to the baker in lunch break as we talked a lot. We worked together well and got along fine but I wasnt interested in her. Today I asked if goes to the baker again and she said that yeah but that she needs to learn. I didnt want to come off as needy so I went to another spot instead. I came back earlier and had a talk with another girl in the seminar and I changed my seat to talk to her more. This kind of created a bit of a subtle underlying vibe as 'seeing girls as replaceable'. In this case it was just by chance but I did notice how my unconscious ego tried to get something out of that dynamic.. If you learn to talk to a lot of girls because you worked yourself towards it, you will be tempted to abuse your position. If you never learned that, there is no power you could abuse. 

[Jannes]

So I have had another informational talk for changing my degrees today. Turn out when I take education as my prime degree over philosophie in my doubles bachelor degree then I can make my bachelors degree about a certain other field I like. 

 

But while I was doing this talk I constantly thought to myself that I would rather either be a real psychologist or an artist, like I just want to create something. 

But if I want an easy degree that gives me some options this bachelor would be it. And I can practice at home learning animation if I really want to.

But then again, acting just seems so cool. But it might interfere with my emotional well-being and spirituality. But I constantly mix acting with the club which I was in which was bad for my mental health. Maybe in another club it would be different.