Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

As I become more productive I also have more of an interest to distract myself also and might even get more joy out of it. 

[Jannes]

Still dont have an alternative to FlowClub. Here we go:

 

[Jannes]

Comfortably got every important thing done in this session. Feels trippy. 

[Jannes]

Made a conscious ritual to say 'I did all I could today'. I do feel a lot weaker and less wake not which is good, maybe I can sleep well tonight. 

I might also need a new blanket. I have got one for summer but it is still a little too warm. That can make a big difference in my experience. 

[Jannes]

I have got a new haircut the last week. I like it. I admitted to myself that I will never ever style my hair, so I needed a haircut which doesnt need styling and I have got a relatively short one. It looks pretty masculine though, like a bit too masculine for my taste. 

Like I need a bit of curlyness, a bit of art a bit of warmth. 

[Jannes]

Slept very well today. Thats a relief. 

[Jannes]

Just had a talk with one of my examiner in philosophy. If I switch degrees there will likely only be one exam worth doing this semester for me, as for all the other ones I cant transfer the points. 

So we talked and I noticed that they were one of my older colleges which was a bit weird. Not that we personally ever connected. They seemed pretty unorganized, but seem to have very high standards, they say that last semester they had one person doing the exam who failed. They also multiple times made the proposal to postpone the exam to next semester because I wasnt in a seminar that was useful for the exam. 

I say they because I dont know which gender they want to be called. I thought I misgendered them in an email, apologized and asked what the right way to call them was and they said they wanted to speak about it in our talk. But we didnt and they lead most of the time so I had the chance at the end but I didnt really feel like it anymore. I hope they were not mad. 

They seem to not be so much in control of their emotions though and a bit autistic. The vibe is completly off. But I dont have other options if I want to make any progress this semester. 

[Jannes]

Just saw one of my students I tought as a philosophy teacher a year ago. 

I remembered what it was like. Working this kids or teenagers can be fullfilling but what destroyed it for me was the authority that I needed to impose on others. 

[Jannes]

At my social spot I wasnt confident at all today, even a little akward. I mean I did have a better baseline then months ago but it was still not very good today. I asked myself the whole time what the f hapened. I had a short conversation I wrote about earlier today, a bit of a nap, listened to Leos video and went to my social spot. It might have been that I didnt socialize that much the last couple of days, I did a bit on monday, but not much on the weekend so maybe my tank wasnt that full. Only pretty much at the very end did I somewhat get into a social state. It could also be that I didnt chat with this one contact anymore, as that gave me a bit of socializing every day. Or maybe it was about my self image, that I put pressure on myself. 

The whole thing today was also a friendly tournament but I primarely focused on the game and not on socializing, maybe that made the biggest difference. 

It just shows.. -- if you really work hard on something and are proud to make progress on it and then suddenly loose it with no clear explanation.. this feels shit, like only decently shit because transcended caring as a spiritual person a great deal but still. 

I think its just a combination of many factors, no real reason to panick. I also could definitely solve many issues if I just had friends around I regularely kept in touch in. I like being on my own though, I have to find people I actually want to hang out with. 

Edited Thursday at 12:07 AM by Jannes

[Jannes]

On 15.7.2025 at 5:38 PM, Jannes said:

Yesterday was weird. I feel like in my impro theatre group people looked at me different, like I had more status. One guy in particular looked at me when doing an act for validation and even lost it for a brief moment starring a little at me and when I catched that he kind of attacked in a very subtle way trying to gaslight and regain his status, as I was looking out the window he commented on my absence. 

You cant really fake confidence, it will manifest in some way. I am sure I did some of that when I didnt have much confidence. 

But this made me realize that some of the social 'ticks' I have which I explain away with adhd might actually be caused from low self esteem/ confidence. 

That the low self esteem/ confidence might be caused indirectly by adhd on the other hand. 

This is tricky. 

[Jannes]

'GO AWAY FEAR AND AKWARDNESS, I DONT WANT YOU AROUND'

[Jannes]

54 minutes ago, Jannes said:

At my social spot I wasnt confident at all today, even a little akward. I mean I did have a better baseline then months ago but it was still not very good today. I asked myself the whole time what the f hapened. I had a short conversation I wrote about earlier today, a bit of a nap, listened to Leos video and went to my social spot. It might have been that I didnt socialize that much the last couple of days, I did a bit on monday, but not much on the weekend so maybe my tank wasnt that full. Only pretty much at the very end did I somewhat get into a social state. It could also be that I didnt chat with this one contact anymore, as that gave me a bit of socializing every day. Or maybe it was about my self image, that I put pressure on myself. 

The whole thing today was also a friendly tournament but I primarely focused on the game and not on socializing, maybe that made the biggest difference. 

It just shows.. -- if you really work hard on something and are proud to make progress on it and then suddenly loose it with no clear explanation.. this feels shit, like only decently shit because transcended caring as a spiritual person a great deal but still. 

I think its just a combination of many factors, no real reason to panick. I also could definitely solve many issues if I just had friends around I regularely kept in touch in. I like being on my own though, I have to find people I actually want to hang out with. 

Uuuh and I remember, I also did doby boudling over video and not over FlowClub. 

Yeah it were probably just the acccumulation or lack thereof of little details. Btw. I would probably be much more confident if I got one thing that built me up, like a good friendship or something..

 

Btw. I have got another 7 day free trial for FlowClub which I will probably start tomorrow. 

[Jannes]

If I built a friendship, it has to come naturally. I think I am on the right track just being outside with no one in particular but just big groups of people I know, as I dont get bored with anyone but still built my state up. And maybe from that place something cool will happen. 

[Jannes]

Bought a beige shorts today which I really like. Its kind of like a sport shorts material wise, so great for summer, but it also has some details to it in pockets, so its a versatile shorts I can wear pretty much everywere casual. 

I am really picky when it comes to clothes, but when I find something I often wear it straight for a whole year. My whole outfit is very minimalistic and I like to keep that in a sense of not wanting to worry about combination of clothes but I want to expand the colors I wear so I look for some colors which can be combined with every other color. Beige is one of them next to black, white-ish, certain blue colors and certain green colors. I dont think I want to wear other colors anyway and they all work well together. 

I am also looking for a nice white-ish shirt. I think I want to go off-white, as my skin is pretty bright. If the shirt is a little thicker it gives a better look but it might be a little warmer in summer, but maybe a little more breathable because the sleeves stay in shape and dont lay on the skin as much. 

[Jannes]

I had another informational talk today and something interesting happened. 

Well, the talk went well and I got all my questions answered, but then I kind of got self aware and I noticed that socializing is happening and I kind of didn't had it in me. Like in a very subbtle way which was easy to miss, I was looking for approval/ acceptance from a place of trauma. We just finished the conversation like normal and sayed bye and when she said bye it had a bit of a cut off sound to it, there wasnt much warmth at all. 

I wanted to distract myself immediately and could have easily overlooked that detail and moved on, but I decided to face this painful detail and looked at the source of where this feeling of unacceptance came from. I am not sure, but I feel like it is something that I felt all my life. And analogously to I realized that by being socially accepted I dont need my adhd coping strategies, if I heal from that inner pain I probably dont have to think about all these social games and gymnastics, it could work just organically. 

I also barely became aware of, I dont know how to call it, maybe the manifestation of destructive interlanized trauma, that my mind sometimes plays with this feverish dream of sincerely building a connection with all good intent and in the sweetest moment brutally destroying it for no reason. 

 

_______________

Well I was always pretty sensitive and conscious, that very likely led me to be an easy victim for bullying, so I thought something was wrong with me my whole life and that people would led me down (which they often did). It is confusing for me how I can often be so likeable if I just put a bit into it, but maybe thats what I have to realize, that I was always perfectly okay, more then okay and then maybe building connection can happen easier. 

Maybe thats why I scan people so crazily for authenticity, because being led down would retrigger and hurt me too much to handle. 

[Jannes]

In retrospect I dont know what I write will be important for me later and it would actually give my mind ways to filter out the most important stuff if I gave myself the task to just write down 'important stuff'. So I just write everything down that seems to trigger or move me.

Edited Thursday at 02:51 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

It puts my LP again into question. Maybe I am looking for (spiritual) healing, because of the place of hurt. Well I think I already considered that multiple times, but now that I come in contact with the wound much more closely it might have a different impact because its not conceptual now, its direct and felt. 

[Jannes]

I am really on the edge of what I want and can take in right now. 

Thats quite an interesting state to describe phenomenologically.

Edited Thursday at 02:55 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

I could have fallen asleep at the adhd self help group session today, I was so tired. But I took a bit of a break from the sessions so what was interesting to see were little tics in peoples behaviour which I had myself. Most of the talk there is unimportant nonsense with a few diamonds.

Edited Thursday at 08:49 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

Last week I forgot to sign off an exam and because I failed that exam a few times I feared that I would be blocked from studying so I needed a doctor's note. So yesterday I went and forgot my healthcare card, so they couldnt do it and they told me to go earlier next day. Today I went again, forgot what she said and misread the opening hours (I thought I have an hour more but came 5min before closing) and forgot my healthcare card again!!

 

In moments like these I really think I am retarded. This feels as basic as taking a step and I am incapable of it. But this is something I experienced over and over again in my life because of ad(h)d. And that does hurt your confidence quite a bit. 

 

I hope I can salvage this on monday and/ or have an attempt left.