A Journey to Someone

[jjer94]

balls deep. 

Tonight is one of those nights where the temperature outside dips into the subzero fahrenheit and the quiet consumes me until I'm balls deep in heavy thoughts about life — both my life, and life in general. 

If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I have progressively become a worse version of myself since "the love of my life" passed away in November 2023. Before Elizabeth's passing, I had this wide-eyed wonder, this idealism that seeped into everything I did. I had hope, high visions for the future, and the gumption to follow through on said visions. 

All of that died along with her. What's left is a wiser, more skilled, but ultimately dumber, weaker, and more pessimistic version of myself. 

Sure, I've accomplished things that deeply satisfy me. I've built a music production business, I've actually reached a level of proficiency with it that is nearing the caliber of my inspirations, I've completely stabilized my mental health (contrary to how this post seems) thanks to diet and other approaches, and I've conquered some of my decades-long fears. 

But I've burned myself out from overworking, and now my impulse control and attention span are completely shot to the point where I can barely read a book these days. I still struggle with certain vices. I've become a shut-in who doesn't reach out to people anymore except for business purposes. I'm becoming accustomed to the idea that I will be single for the rest of my life. 

Living on this planet has never been easy; every generation has its opportunities and its setbacks. But no matter how much the self-help people will insist that there's a silver lining for everyone, there just isn't.

You can try to make the best of any situation; that's a great habit to have. But sometimes, shit just happens, and life is brutally unfair. People you love, really great well-meaning people, can die. Some people can work their asses off as much as a CEO and only make 0.0001% of what the CEO makes. Some people don't have the temperament or disposition to "work smart" or grind. Some people are born ugly and get completely overlooked, while some people who are dumbasses but born beautiful get tons of opportunities. So many destructive things in the world — our broken fractional reserve banking system, environmental degradation, factory farming, murder, genocide — so many of these things are simply due to the free will choices of particular people, and the cultures and systems in which these people inhabit. 

So much destruction from free will that it makes me wonder, why would God even grant the illusion of it? Free will might be the cause of all of this destruction, but it's also an essential component of love.

Sure, I'm writing in a forum where the general consensus is that on a fundamental level, love is everything and nothing, love is God, love is surrender to life and all of the so-called "bad" things like rape and genocide. But I'm not a moral relativist. If it's all love, then there's no grounds for preference of one thing over another.

I do believe in free will, even if it's just an illusion on a fundamental level. And that free will is the choice between that which is towards love, and that which is away from it. That which encourages unity, and that which encourages separation. A choice between good and evil, on both macrocosmic and microcosmic levels. 

If we couldn't choose, we couldn't understand love, because to love is to choose unity. 

I just wish more of us made that choice every day — not only for others, but for ourselves. 

 

[jjer94]

digital circle jerking, or, my last innuendo post title, or, give me back my soul. 

Over the past three years especially, I feel as though my attention, my time, and my very body have been siphoned. 

Maybe some of you can relate. I began with "vedging" after a long day of work, checking for updates on all of my higher consciousness places on the Internet. I still read books in the morning and in the evening before bedtime. Since I started living alone in mid-2022, I began leaning more on podcasts, audiobooks, and Youtube/IG for my social needs. 

But gradually, platforms like Youtube became muddled with algorithmic slop. The kind of "content" that doesn't actually engage any higher faculties but just fills up brain space and mildly entertains. Instagram's feed was no longer exclusively posts from the people you follow; it became random force-fed 30-second dumb fucking clips from strangers. 

And gradually, the higher stimulation of these videos reeled me in (no pun intended) more and more. I joined X, which is basically digital brain cancer, replete with the most disgusting content imaginable, a step behind gore porn and actual porn. 

I eventually stopped doing yoga. I stopped traditional meditation. I stopped reading books. I stopped journaling. And I became a studio goblin who, after ten-hour-plus sessions, retreats into his digital slop slot machine to turn off his brain. Real social interaction, or the thought of it, has become a chore (more on that in another post).

In laying all of this out, I recognize that my increasing pessimism towards life and humanity is probably not just from personal tragedies, but in large part from exposing myself to all of the corporate-endorsed, Better-Help-sponsored, human-exploitative, AI-influenced, semi-plagiarized, psychologically rapacious horse shit that we call "social media content" and its algorithmic recommendations. 

It's like I started with eating vegetables at the dinner table, and within the span of a few years, I'm down on my hands and knees in the horse barn, sucking up cocaine-laced manure in a straw, too drugged up to even notice that it's shit. Or if I do notice, I'm too drugged up to even care. 

Fuck this. I've had enough. Enough!!! If I don't take a stand now, I will lose myself completely like one of the fatties in the floating chairs in WALL-E. 

I want my fucking soul back.

 

[jjer94]

de-enshittification.

A couple of days ago, I was disgusted by the fact that I was on my hands and knees, sucking cocaine-laced horse manure through a straw.

Yesterday and today, I've decided to do something about it.

I started by deleting X and Youtube on my phone. If I'm going to watch Youtube, it'll be on my laptop. And X is cancer, so I'm not even going to bother partaking anymore. With both apps off of my phone, I have no more incentive to bring my phone into my room at bedtime, forcing me to read books. I need to be careful to choose books I will find enjoyable, or else it'll feel too much like a chore. I'm currently reading a book on the history of Jesus that my friend lent me, but I also feel called to read Isaac Asimov's Foundation series. 

Last night was the first night in awhile that I didn't go on X right before falling asleep, and I woke up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat. My night shirt was soaked to the point that I could almost wring it out. I think that's my body beginning to release all of the excess adrenaline and cortisol in my system. We'll see how I sleep tonight with my phone out of the bedroom altogether. 

I watched a video this morning that reminded me of Cory Doctorow's brilliant term "enshittification," which describes how massive online-centered corporations like Meta and Amazon have made their platforms increasingly unpalatable. They start with seemingly good intentions and provide a valuable service, and then they slowly abuse the consumer with increasing ads, fees, and detrimental algorithmic changes that ruin their service. 

What if by living in this system, we all enshittify ourselves to a certain degree? In my 20s, I started with a pure, authentic vision for how I wanted my life to unfold. I took the Life Purpose Course and thought big. Then, in taking action on said vision, I rubbed up against the systems in place that make actualizing it more difficult than anticipated. Then, I became more inclined to take shortcuts, or whore myself out in subtle ways just to pay the bills. Those ventures have grown and demanded more of my time and energy, so I've directed time and energy away from my authentic self and original vision. Before I know it, I've enshittified my own lifestyle to cater to outside demands, making it increasingly unpalatable. 

This journey I'm on, then... this Journey back to that Someone I knew... I could call it de-enshittification. 

 

[jjer94]

lifestreaming.

The next step on my de-enshittification journey? Total ownership. 

It's my New Year's Resolution as well: To own things again. Books, music, experiences, friends, and everything else. 

Too much of my life has become streaming, or the abundance of everything and ownership of nothing:

• Music streaming: Spotify, the business that pays artists fractions of pennies and is slowly phasing out human art for AI slop. No motivation to get into new music because it's all there anyways. Why not just plug into the Soft Piano playlist and have the algorithms decide for you what song comes next? 
• Audiobook streaming: Words that float on nothing and go in one ear and out the other. No need to take notes; just screen record the relevant sections and never rewatch them ever again!
• Entertainment streaming: Watch generic Youtube Channel A that talks about the same shit you've already heard elsewhere for the upteenth time, or opt for the hyper-stimulating half-second-cut reels that turn off a record number of brain cells per second. 
• Friendship streaming: Don't want to go through the effort of owning a friend, i.e. making the time and effort to be a friend and build a connection with someone in real life? Instead, watch a bunch of influencers shoot the shit and leave the page whenever you want! They will never know you, but at least you have a sample platter of puddle-deep parasocial connections.
• And so on...

I want to own things again because my life has felt less meaningful since I've started lifestreaming. When I have everything I ever want at my fingertips, nothing feels personal. Like a river, no one experience sticks out above the rest, and they all briefly touch my consciousness only to float downstream. Everything is amazing and exceptional, so much so that nothing is amazing and exceptional.  

I have many more reasons for moving in this direction, but I'll mention them another time. For now, I've started with music. I am currently building a Swinsian library of my favorite lossless albums: For Emma, ( ), some kind of peace, Carrie & Lowell, and too many others to list. I ordered an mp3 player that can play FLAC. I'm borrowing my dad's vintage CD and vinyl players tomorrow. And I'm canceling my Spotify subscription once the mp3 player gets delivered.

I miss when I used to get excited for new albums, and listen to the ones I liked multiple times all the way through, and not get distracted by some shiny new object that algorithms present to me. I hope that by making music listening into more of an experience than just purely in-and-out consumption, I can get back in touch with the parts of myself that I've lost. And hopefully this will create a ripple effect into the other areas of my life. 

When I started my minimalism journey back in 2017, I mistook digitizing everything as making space in my life. By owning things that matter to me even if they take up physical space, I am saying: These things are important to me. They won't go away. I will return to them again and again and build a deep connection with them. In my experience, streaming content is anti-minimalist and building a connection with it is much more difficult. 

How peculiar that the abundance of everything can sap the meaning from everything. 

 

[Samuel Rdz]

You know this song called "Messy" from Lola Young? It's weird that even with all the shit it throws, it is a song that made me feel at peace or within a deepness. The lyrics say nothing, however the 'way' of expression may be is what makes the arrow go straight to the chest... That was bizarre, it was like fresh air, especially in the beginning. Well, I should say it is like the same here reading you. It feels somehow great to read all this honesty and openness. Somehow, sometimes when I feel down, I come here and read, and it is as if a door is open. I can see why Bronnie Ware wrote about the 3rd regret of the dying: "not saying what they feel". I think you won't have that one. I am not trying to flatter you at all, I am putting this here because I felt to say it. It has been a long time walking through these dark places and I guess I like to visit that space from time to time.

[jjer94]

epistemologically naked.

Quote

One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back. ~Carl Sagan

Welp, I don't know what to believe anymore. 

Long story short — for eight years, I followed Medical Medium protocols and found many benefits. I treated it like a religion and believed in the information wholeheartedly. It was the first time I ever truly believed in something, ever. With MM came a dietary belief system, a spiritual framework, a sense of purpose, and a community of like-minded people who also followed the protocols and believed in the same things. 

Then, a month or so ago, I reintroduced animal products in my diet after eight years and felt. A lot. Better. Many of the symptoms I thought were "detox" on the MM protocols resolved themselves within days, just by simply eating some animal foods. 

This conflicted with the MM information that asserts meat is a filler food that has virtually no nutritional benefits, and eggs and dairy feed pathogens in the body. My confusion led to curiosity, so I finally examined the other perspectives that I had swept under the rug for so long, asking deeper questions about the man. 

I couldn't unsee what I saw. Too many unanswered questions, hypocrisies, and blatant lies. If he's lied on multiple occasions, then...how true is the information itself? How legitimate are the protocols? What else could he be lying about? 

I could no longer trust the information or the man, and I unraveled. I fought the voice in my head that told me I'd get sick if I left, that I am a bad person, that I'd be out of the loop, that I would no longer be working for the Light...and I left.

I didn't just leave MM, though. I left behind my dietary belief system, my spiritual framework, my ethical code, my sense of purpose, and the community of people doing the protocols. I am now epistemologically naked, totally lost and confused, trying to pick up the pieces. 

I used to think that it wasn't a cult, because you could leave. But leaving has felt like walking through a pile of needles, every little unconsciously inherited sententious thought-form poking at my psyche, telling me that what I am doing is wrong, that I will enter my own Hell if I take one step further. 

I could leave... but could I really?

 

 

[TheBG]

@jjer94 I like your use of songs at the end of your comments. Great touch.

I searched Medical Medium and found this post.

I have a friend who is a dietitian. We went over a lot of Medical Medium information together. I wanted to hear her thoughts. She said that you don't need as much protein as people are brainwashed into believing. Not that it isn't important. She's also vegetarian and seems fine on that diet. As am I.

Anyway. We looked at his stuff, and most of it is solid health information, but with a marketing gimmick on top of it. Something did not fit right with it to me either. Especially after having to leave religion in the past, along with MANY other traps I kept falling into on my journey so far.

However, I have a friend who does it strictly. Religiously. She is into it and trusts the information about angels and entities. She also channels the goddess Isis. I had a session with her, and although I am not aware of how channeling works, it genuinely helped me... SO because I don't understand it, I can't dismiss it fully. Regardless of how it works or why, it does work in some ways. Undeniable in my current perspective. The same with Medical Medium. She has helped heal many conditions with his information. Would it have worked just as well if she stuck to a diet with similar foods and not his food? No idea at ALL. So... I can't really say much about it.

It works for her, but it doesn't always work for others. Is it true? No idea. I lean towards no, but I still respect the perspective and how the information has genuinely helped some people. 

I would like to commit to it and see how I feel after a few months to a year, but not get dogmatic about it. If it works for me, I will keep it. If not, then I won't.

I believe the goal of any healthy diet should be to eat more foods that heal and support your body, in the right balance, in the highest quality possible.  So if you want meat, get VERY particular about the kind of meat. Potential heavy metals, hormones. Etc.

Also, make sure it is feasible for you to do it. However, knowing you committed to Medical Medium information, I don't think you will have trouble committing to anything else you choose to. Feel in with your body after eating something. See how it feels. If it feels bad, take it as a sign. Intuitive eating. Get in tune with your body and how it feels on different things. For example, I made an error, grabbed Wendy's, and felt like shit after. The brain fog was so terrible. I then proceeded to break my foot the same day. I am not saying it was 100% because of the brain fog that it happened, but it was enough to never eat that slop again. It changes how you feel. The better you eat, the better you will feel... usually. 

With me, the higher I feel in consciousness and more one with the universe I am, the less desire I have for meat. Is this just a belief I have reinforcing itself? It could be, but that is my experience. So for now, I want to stick to meatless, because I don't like how the animals are treated, nor do I crave meat. Will I be meatless forever? Maybe not.

If you want to keep eating the Medical Medium Diet, keep going for it. You could make it hybrid. I know a guy who eats some meat at the end of the day, and the rest is MM. Do what works for you right now. Thanks for sharing your story.

[jjer94]

@TheBG Thanks for sharing your thoughts! There are many people out there who are as religious as I was with Medical Medium. The information in the books is unlike anything you'll ever read, which makes it that much more compelling. Most of it is totally original, and it has no references. The fact that he has been pumping out a book every year is a feat in itself. 

For a long time I've had the same beliefs and sentiments around meat-eating. A big reason for my starting MM protocols in 2018 was that I was in search of a sustainable way to eat plant-based. I reasoned that if I were to eat meat, I should be able to kill the animal myself, so I tried hunting, and I just couldn't do it. 

I had tried previous iterations of vegan diets, but I could never feel satiated. MM protocols were the only way of eating totally plant-based that I actually felt satiated. On top of that, MM fixed many life-long physical and mental symptoms. I can't deny that I did feel something the first six months of drinking the heavy metal detox smoothie, and I continued to enjoy it every morning for more than eight years. 

At around year seven, too many new issues and red flags arose, and I couldn't ignore them anymore. But reintroducing animal foods has challenged my ethics once again. I plan to slaughter one of my friend's chickens this fall to revisit those ethical qualms and see if meat-eating is right for me. And in the meantime, you bet your butt I am sourcing only the best stuff locally. 

MM might be mostly right, mostly wrong, beneficial to some, or detrimental to others. I no longer trust it fully myself. On the plus side, I now feel free to question everything, make my own choices, and trust my body's innate intelligence. 

Maybe the protocols would be worthwhile for you? Wouldn't hurt to try and see. Just mind your step, because it's a rabbit hole. 

[TheBG]

@jjer94 thank you my friend