Neediness Or Focus On Self-actualization ?

[ValiantSalvatore]

The title might be slightly inaccurate.  I just wanted to hear some different perspectives on this situation.

I will keep this short. I meet someone in a bar she asked me for my number. She was slightly intoxicated I did not want to drink alcohol during this time. So, kept a clear head and just observed what was going on all around. She was very nice had a few cocktails we chatted she gave me her number or rather asked if she could have mine not sure anymore. Happened last year almost two.                            

We chat during the time I traveled (also before and after...)  and she got interested asked me to meet. I was just looking for a friend since I don't have a lot of female friends and wanted simply just to have more female friends. So, in retrospect, I was quite detached of the outcome even though sometimes not, since this was the only girl who I was chatting with.

Ok, so meet a different girl during traveling awesome personality very similar also a lot of intriguing differences. Went out a lot as friends since this was in China and we both come from the same country. Visited her in the country she is studying now and had a great time there.

Now, I asked the girl from china if we can meet she has no time. Exams etc and was hella needy since I like her a lot and asked her to join me and friends for a vacation trip, but she works during this time + some other stuff and rather wanted to stay at home with the family. The other girl wants/ed to meet now and I will definitely meet her to see what she is like and possibly stay friends because this is actually what I wanted in the first place. Maybe I am weird on this.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Ok, so I will get to the point. Important note: first the girl kind of agreed to join but then basically said no. I really liked the Alan Watts and in one of his audiobooks, he talks about thinking things right through... kinda funny saying this now. So, I try to think of all variables that can influence a relationship especially parts about myself and here is the part where we go into self-actualization. Also, I write these things down in my journal and actually really think a lot about how things would turn out with a person, it would not change if there were more girls who I am dating. Of course, I would only do this for the women I am interested in.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I don't know what to think of this reading over this, I imagine people saying why did you no go for her when you like her and visited her? Or you are being way too needy and should meet a lot more girls. Or simply be happy to meet the other girl ( maybe not on this forum). I will definitely agree on being too needy. I was not going for her because first I had that thought of being too needy. Second, we both are quite young and don't really know what we want or rather would like to options or focus on something more or less important like studies or friendships or simply hobbies and goals. When I "think things through," I think that the girl from china could really be one person I would enjoy spending a lot of time with in a relationship. But, I also like this point of view from Alan Watts again if you know how things would end what surprise what be there in the end? And I kept thinking about this and though even when I think about all variables political views, views on god, status, ethnicity, interests and hobbies etc etc. I would never know what will happen with any of the girls I would meet in the future , yet I have to say you can get a good glimpse of the ups and downs with that particular person. What would you do in this situation? Focus on reading, studies, and hobbies? Or focus on relationships solely and try to get a girlfriend? I seem way to needy. But, I always have this in the back of my mind so, I am aware of boundaries and even though it might sound weird are in some way detached or another. There is way more I would like to write but I think this is a good overview of the situation. Any thoughts are appreciated, critique valued and respected. Tbh, I think I will just focus on studies and travel to get new perspectives and try to keep in touch with both of them ideally with one as girlfriend sooner or later and the other one as a friend... you can guess who. Also, if this should not happen it's hella fine even though it hurts and this would be the part where I would talk about unconditional love, but talking about it wouldn't make any difference if it is existent in my life or not. I am just an idealistic idiot so yeah.

 

[Shin]

Focus on finding your life purpose, everything else is a distraction, especially women.

Unless it comes naturally and you're already grounded in your purpose, there is no reason to search for a girlfriend as a man (unless you have a feminine core).

Improve your social skills, humor, if necessary, but unless you're a virgin or have some serious anxiety/shyness problem around women, there is no reason to waste your time chasing one.

Let things be.