Journey to Self Actualisation

[UpperMaster]

1st week of exchange. 1st week completely on my own. Damn it feels lowkey good. 

So many small things happened.

1. Learned to do laundry 

2. Spent way too much money (apparently I have to budget lol)

3. Scared to ask other women out, so have been doing so. 

I realize that women who I think are absolutely stunning, it's hard for me to ask them out. I mean it makes sense, but fuck. 

4. Electricity cut off cuz my dumbass forgot to complete the electricity contract (I thought I did)

5. Went climbing for the first time

It's been fun. But for some reason, I feel like there is no soul in my life. I can't say why. Everything seems king of impersonal or insignificant. 

I want to ask girls out, but scared, I use self improvement as procrastination for sure lmao. 

Edited Tuesday at 11:43 PM by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

Except a girl everything in my life right now is actually pretty good. 

 

But the no girl part fucks everything. Or will I never be satisfied? idk?

[UpperMaster]

Okay two weeks in. 

I haven't been able to journal that much recently, one reason is because it is very difficult to articulate what's going on in my mind. 

Long story short, until yesterday I was using a lot of fear based motivation. It's super effective. For some reason it did not feel right. I am not sure how to explain it, but for some reason I did not feel "whole" and very fragmented. It felt wrong albeit its the most effective thing I had to drive action.

I was very scared to shift the way that I motivate myself. I tried so many things, cried and emotionally died so many times to be able to achieve the discipline I've achieved the past year. But for some reason, I feel like I have to change the way I motivate myself, which is scary because it means I putting the level of discipline I have at risk. 

One of the recent lessons I learned is that sometimes courage and boldness matters more than discipline.

Motivating myself through fear makes it very difficult for me to be courageous. Approaching girls takes courage I feel. 

Idk why but I feel so cringe writing into this journal. Ughh