Journey to Self Actualisation

[UpperMaster]

I just took half a dose of 4-fluoromethamphetamine to help me study for an exam I’ve got tomorrow. I was a bit hesitant since I’ve been making real progress with my focus lately, and I didn’t want to mess that up.

The effects kicked in after about two hours. Honestly, the focus you get from a stimulant feels completely different from the kind that comes from consistent meditation.

With a stimulant, it feels more like you're being pushed into focus, like you're locked in, whether you want to be or not. Meditation, on the other hand, gives you this smooth, natural flow. You just ease into it.

At the end of the day, I much prefer the clarity I get from meditation. This felt a bit too intense, and truthfully, I don’t think I need anything external to help me focus anymore

 

right now im experiencing a sort of cooldown effect, where there aren't many thoughts. Kinda pleasant, but can't focus too much.

[UpperMaster]

Update, I went through the comedown but for some reason I had an insane come up. 

This is like second wave. I took such a small dose, I am supposed to be fast asleep but I can't now because I feel super focused and my thoughts are racing. 

 

Fuck. Shouldn't have taken the drug. I got. Pear pressured aswell. Next time when it comes to situations like this where I have to decide on whether or not to take a substance, I won't fuck this. 

 

I didn't even need more focus I already meditate and and happy with the progress. 

 

Im so pissed off.

[UpperMaster]

Macro midterm went pretty well. 

 

I'll be honest, I got a copy of last years midterm and a lot of things stayed the same so I got lucky in a sense. 

I am genuinely developing an interest for the subject. It's so fucking interesting. Even the fact that society runs on what is essentially trust (trust in money). 

All the policies that governments use to keep the economy in check is interesting too. 

Other than that, I lost my 20 day workout and meditation streak because of the 4-fluoromethamphetamine that I took (I got zero sleep and it fucked the next day up)

Today I played some Mafia Definitive Edition. 

I'll be honest, I think I am developing this textbook toxic mentality for success. 

Whenever I take a break from achieving my goals, I get this constant reminder that I am slacking, wasting my time. I start comparing myself to other so much more. 

It's slightly ironic in a sense, because this constant self pressure usually does more harm than good. Like whenever I get into this mental masturbation mindset of critisizing myself, I just end up being way less productive. 

 

I should journal more often

[UpperMaster]

One of the reasons I don't like going out is because I have an extremely strong inferiority complex. 

I hate going out and being with people who are taller, more handsome more socially charismatic than I am. 

Today I went out, had so much fun, but when I come home I am hurting really really bad inside. 

 

My friends who are tall and super handsome went on a trip and had cool stories with women they've picked up. 

Me on the other hand, am still struggling to ask out a girl.

It seriously enrages me. I know I've come far but these things fuck me up really badly.

I really have a strong desire to want to make them feel as bad as I feel, almost as an act of revenge. I want to become so much better, that they go home upset because they can't compete with me. This is a huge fantasy for me. I really want to be not just better than people, but so much better than people that they stop trying because it's hopeless. 

 

I know this seems very immature. I am writing these thoughts down because I am going through them right now. I know this is something I have to work through or whatever. But I really feel this way, I am not going to sugar coat it. 

 

Also another thing I hate is how people low-key look down on me because I am a virgin, like I feel it. 

Ik I can get some girl, but I want a good looking girl Im sorry. I seriously hate when people start giving me advice irl like I am searching for it, fuck off. 

 

Edited April 11 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

Quickly writing down because I am tweaking. 

 

Basically girl I was going to ask out asked me out. I am going out now. She is very pretty. Idk what to do. Im thanking god but I am nervous too. 

 

In order to make it to the date I had to skip gym today. I just came back from playing football for 2 hours, so that's exercise checked for the day. But I am tweaking inside I really didn't want too miss gym like its bothering me so much FUCK FUCK FUCK. That's one workout I missed man fuck. 

I also spent few bucks on food for my friend because I owe him some. But I was saving money so I can invest in courses and make money soon, it physically hurts to spend money, now I go on date and I have to spend money again. SkibidiSkibidi

 

She is objectively super super super super pretty S tier pretty so I want it to work out. Damn bro crazy she asked me out.

Edited April 13 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

Okay so I went out with the pretty girl. 

The date went well. 

I'll be honest she's extremely pretty, and above my league, but she's somewhat boring. I met her again today, and it's getting better the more I meet her. But still kinda mundane personality. 

I won't pretend like that doesn't bother me but I also don't want to fuck up something good (she is super pretty after all). From the way I see it, she didn't go out much before me, she just started dating. 

 

I just finished talking to a friend (girl) of mine that I vibe with. She's not as traditionally pretty as the girl I went out with (according to modern beauty standards not even close), but she's smart, super funny, we vibe a fuck ton. she's thicker, which I like. She's dated a lot, told me stories where she fucked some random guy. But you know we vibe more. 

Polar oposites. Idk Im just thinking. But also man this girl I went out with is super gorgeous. Not my usual type but model level gorgeous. She has no experience like me so I guess its great.

 

[UpperMaster]

For some reason, the notion that time flies hit me hard today. It's honestly scary. 

 

When you're aware of how fast time flies, all petty bullshit flies out the window. I really feel the desire to maximize the opportunities in my life and stop wasting time, stop taking things for granted, not one thing. 

I really really want to stay connected to this feeling. Im gonna write a forum post on this.

[UpperMaster]

I dislike not being the best. I actually hate it. 

 

I am jealous of a girl, its the friend I talked about. I'm also somewhat jealous of my mother for the same reason. They have this ability to focus, do whats necessary and win. I lock in, but I can't get to that level. They both have this drive to finish the task.

No matter what I will get it. I really hate not having that ability. I feel like slave the circumstance, whereas they seem to make things work regardless of the circumstance. 

 

I'm actually really upset I don't have this ability, I promise I will cultivate it and be even better than them. Then I can be the best. Then I can be so good, people cry. (my inner immature self coming out)

 

 

[UpperMaster]

Okay so there has been many significant events in my life which I will go over. 

1. Progression with Student Company

2. Mushroom Trip 

3. Post trip weirdness 

---------------------------------

I realize I don't want to divulge too much into how the company is progressing as the details are too personal. But, the main take away is that I had to sell or present our student company (that has no service portfolio, nor does it even have a name) to a bunch of people in hopes of getting new members. 11 people showed interest in joining. This somewhat reinforces me as a salesmen, I couldn't believe my eyes. 

Secondly in terms of Student company, I will also contact other student organizations and ask for advice. This should really help us orient. 

---------------------------------

Shroom Trip Report – 3g Psilocybin Mushrooms

Setting:
Started at a bird reserve (warm, fresh day, good mood), then shifted to a more comfortable park under conifer trees. 

Onset:
- Felt strong body energy (like Chi) centered in the chest and stomach.  
- Early emotional memories of deep love for mother and grandmother surfaced.  

Peak Experience:

I began to remember my childhood self — not just memories, but the feeling of being me as a very small child.

I realized that who I think I am today — 20 years old, into self-development and philosophy — is just a story.
It's a recent narrative, constructed over time.

Before that, I was someone else.
Before that, someone else again.

Back then, there was no "I" as I know it today.
The "I" that I know today came later,  the identity was crafted later.

I took this process deeper — further back — before birth:

Who was I before I was born?

Where was I?

At some point, it became obvious that I had always been there.
Not "me" as a personality, but a deep, formless "I" that simply is.

I couldn't define it.
I couldn't put a form to it.
Even calling it "source" felt wrong,  it was just being, pure, formless existence.

In that place, everything was perfect.
I felt love, I think it was existential love, a bright, light, full feeling without any form attached to it.
It was a knowing that everything is great, that there was nothing to fear.

Fear, survival, separation, none of that existed there.
Only being.

Then, slowly, I opened my eyes.

Reality — or the "physical" world — started pulling me back.
During the trip, the physical world wasn’t even the main plot. Whether or not it existed didn’t matter. The main thing was my experience of life itself — and that was something I knew all along

As I came back, I felt a heavy sadness.
"Oh fuck, but why?" — because I was leaving that state of pure perfection, and returning to being a someone.

I felt the burden of existing as an individual again.

I felt the obligation to protect myself, to survive, to defend this separate body.

I felt disgusted at the heaviness of having to be someone.

I remember thinking "Why was I even born? Why did I have to be created?"
Because now, having been created, I faced the fear of death, the burden of survival — but without creation, there would have been no fear.

I wished I had simply never been created at all — no need for survival, no fear, no separation.

 

Other Peak Insights:
- Materialist worldview (science-first thinking) felt absurd during the trip; consciousness felt clearly primary.  
- Realized that separate-self satisfaction can never match the pure existential love of just being.

 

Comedown: 

After the peak there were several thins I learned about my childhood etc, but that's personal. 

-------------------------------

3. Post trip weirdness 

This trip is somewhat changing me. Firstly my priorities have been realigned slightly. I don't feel like chasing and chasing success. When I am on my own I feel the heaviness and the burden with being a separate self. Its annoying. It's not that now my life is worse. Its almost like this has always been a burden and now I am just realizing it.

[UpperMaster]

I absolutely flunked my macro midterm. Out of 10 points I got a two. I went to the teachers office to review my test, I was almost sure that the teacher made some mistake. I studied really hard, and on top of that I even got the midterm from last year. A lot of questions from last years midterm came on this one. When reviewing my test I saw all the retarded mistakes I made. I low-key deserved the grade.

I remember asking the teacher what more I should do to study. He was like "actually use the workbook and the textbook". He said it in such a way where it was implied that I was irresponsible and didn't bother studying. I felt offended because I did study. 

I went to the library. Embarrassed as fuck. I opened my mail and I saw this (attached).

 

The attachment below is an email I got from Alex Hormozi, discussing the theory of constraints. As is written in the email, every business has ONE constraint. Addressing the constraint leads to growth. Addressing anything else that isn't the constraint doesn't lead to growth. 

I already knew about the theory of constraints, but, after reading this mail, I thought about how it applied to improving any facet of life, not just your business. 

 

I thought about when it has technically applied in my life, and to what extent is it valid. 

Examples of when the theory of constraints worked in my life:

1. Sleep: When I had poor sleep (>3 hours a day), it was the one and only major constraint in life. Attempting to do or succeed at any activity was pointless. Eating healthy was more or less pointless in improving my day to day. It's only when I started sleeping better, that I started living better. I started making progress in the gym, and started focusing better.

 

2. Meditation: I had huge focus issues. fixing my sleep helped me a bit of course, it's much easier to do anything when you aren't sleep deprived. That said I still had major focus issues and ADHD symptoms. Using focusing techniques like Pomodoro, mental tactics, motivational self talk only worked to an extremely limited extent. I realized that my bottleneck might be physiological, and so I tried addressing it through meditation. It worked, now I can focus much better. 

 

Limitation of this theory: I don't think this theory accurately represents reality all the time, but is nonetheless an incredibly useful tool. For example, when I had poor sleep, my body was practically shutting down. But eating purley unhealthy food probably would be worse that if I ate only healthy. 

Another example, besides meditation I was also attending counseling which probably improved my day to day mental state and ability to focus. 

Point is, in reality there are many factors that produce a problem, however addressing the biggest one at any given time is probably the best way to go.

 

Knowing now the power of constraints, I tried to find what my current major constraint is in regards to achieving my academic goals. 

I already knew the answer, but went ahead and asked Chatgpt to figure it out for me.

 

Chatgpt also agreed with my diagnosis.

It said: Your constraint is the rate at which you can effectively process and complete schoolwork. Everything else (time management issues, stress, unfinished tasks) is a symptom of this core bottleneck. 

I think it was spot on.

Speed is my bottleneck.

Chatgpt is great because it gave me an actionable plan, which I turned into a notion template. 

 

Notion template:

🎯 Daily Focus Board

☀️ Morning: Daily Priority Filter (5 mins)

❓ Question:
What’s the ONE school task that, if done today, makes the biggest difference?

✅ Top 3 Tasks (Max): 1. 2. 3.

⏱️ Deep Work: 50/10 Sprints

Instructions:
• Work 50 mins → Break 10 mins
• No multitasking, no perfectionism.
• Set a timer and stick to it!

Sprint Tracker:

 Sprint 1

 Sprint 2

 Sprint 3

 Sprint 4

🧠 Smart Focus: Speed > Coverage 

❓ Questions to Ask Before Studying:

What’s most likely to be tested?

What topic makes everything else easier?

Where am I losing the most points?

🎯 Today's Focus Areas: 1. 2. 3.

🌙 Evening: End-of-Day Debrief (3 mins)

❓ Questions:

What slowed me down today?

How can I move faster tomorrow?

📝 Reflection Notes: