Crossroads

[Boogie]

I have been with my husband for 3 years and I have loved him deeply through everything we have been through. We are now at a point in our lives that we believe the right thing to do is go our separate ways but I'm finding myself second-guessing. I know either way I would be ok. The thought of living a future different than I imagined is scary but it would be fine. If I stay, it would be extremely challenging and I don't know if we would ever be right for each other but I know I would be ok. So my question is, what is the best way to make a decision and be happy with it?

 

Maybe it would help if I gave some specifics... Matt doesn’t know who he is or what he wants in life. He doesn’t know if he loves me or if he ever has. He feels resentment and hate towards me but cant seem to pinpoint why. He has a very scrambled thought process and isn't capable of introspective thinking so the harder he tries to think the more confused he becomes. I get frustrated when we talk because I have a more linear thought process and by the end of a conversation I always feel confused and overwhelmed.  He is also disgusted by the effect 3 pregnancies has had on my body and wants to emotionally punish me for not having a porn star body. He has said a lot of hurtful things but I know I could forgive him if I work on my self esteem, I'm just thinking it might be easier to work on it without him around because he always casually reminds me about the flaws with my body. There is more but these are just some basic aspects of our relationship that have led us to the conclusion that divorce is probably for the best. I feel like we shouldn't be together, I just have so many doubts and "what-if's" and I want to know how to be happy with my decision

edit: I left out a huge key aspect....he is a pathological liar and never worked on bettering himself. every time I would catch him in a lie he would just try to spin a story he thought I would accept

Edited April 24, 2017 by Boogie

[Prabhaker]

17 minutes ago, Boogie said:

He is also disgusted by the effect 3 pregnancies has had on my body and wants to emotionally punish me for not having a porn star body.

Leave this man but don't forget to thank him for all those beautiful moments you spent with him. 

 I am not against relationships — I am all for them, but before you can relate, you have to be. And if you are miserable and you relate with someone, you are going to create more misery. The misery is bound to be multiplied; not only doubled but multiplied. He is miserable, you are also miserable. He cannot be alone, you cannot be alone, so you depend on each other. And whenever you depend on somebody, you can never forgive that man. He makes you dependent, he makes you feel helpless. He becomes powerful and dominates you.

If you are unhappy, you will always make a relationship with an unhappy person… A miserable person tends to find a miserable partner.

So deep down, every lover is against, hates, the person he loves — because nobody can love slavery. You can love only freedom. But freedom is possible only when you are free to be happy, and when you can be happy absolutely alone. If there is nobody, then too you can enjoy, dance, sing. That becomes your very quality of being. Then you can relate… then your happiness relates. Your music relates… your singing and dancing relates. Of course you multiply your happiness. Whatsoever you have will be multiplied in relationship. If you have misery, misery will be multiplied. If you have happiness, happiness will be multiplied.

[philosogi]

@Boogie Maybe you're not happy with your decision because it comes from a negative perspective and that bothers you? What part of you is having doubts?

[Ricksta]

On 4/24/2017 at 3:47 PM, Boogie said:

So my question is, what is the best way to make a decision and be happy with it

You cannot.

All decisions are a double edged sword, go one way and you will regret something about not going the other way, and vice versa. The best thing to do is to pick a course of action and not jump ship or second guess yourself. I.e. if you decide to leave, then leave. Don't second guess or waver back and forth, that is just too painful and it prolongs the process.

Your mind is already made up though and you are now just looking for justification to support your decision. You don't need any. Your decision is in and of itself sufficient.

I will throw my two cents worth of opinion onto this one though, which is that I'm almost 95% certain that the reason why your husband is struggling to articulate his feelings with you is because if he were to really tell you what is going on for him, he thinks it would devastate you. My guess is that he wants out and that he wants to experience other relationships (i.e. he wants to have sex with other partners). It's really as simple as that.