Aquarius

So I did my morning routine today and I woke up at 4:30! Mantra, cleaning, getting ready, workout and art. I wasn't really in tune with the mantra. I think I was too sleepy and tired. I didn't sleep yesterday and today I only slept with a shitton of medications. I did some basic house cleaning and sanitizing the doorknobs and my phone. I didn't have time for the dishes though because some people kept messaging me and wanted to chat with me. I value strong friendships so I replied and talked for about an hour... uffffufufuufu im so busy : //// 1 hour on chat waaa.. I'm not too proud of my art either. I think today is a mediocre day, but I still made progress! Today's affirmation: You're strong and proud of yourself.

So I went for a walk in nature today and I regenerated a lot. The only worrying thing is that I got bullied a lot on the streets, nasty looks, buri nazar, envy, anger, frustration.. I feel empathy and brotherly love towards these people. I hope they find what they really need as soon as possible. I listened to some meditation music and I regenerated even more. But for some reason I realized God. And it was nice, because I dropped my BELIEF in God lately.... only to find myself opening my eyes see the real GOD. Then I realized non-existence. Not the first time I do, but this time it lasted a couple seconds longer. I felt pure bliss, I closed my eyes and dissolved into it. It was peaceful. This all happened in a few minutes after my meditation session. Today I didn't really do much work or chores. I cleaned my room, and I took a shower this morning. I went outside and I made drawings. I did my mantra practices. But most of my work was spirituality related. And calling it work seems kinda wrong, because it was more like play. I also got my books. And read a bit. I will now watch Leo's videos.

I struggle keeping myself motivated to make art every day. This journal should help me keep track of my art progress with at least 1 daily artwork and me planning my career path. ^∪^

So some basic schedule for now Morning: Clean room / get clean and ready for the day Clean house / clean doorknobs / wash dishes / order and sort stuff Do my mantra practice Work out Work on my art Go for a walk Afternoon Podcasting / training my voice for podcasting Study math / literature / Self-help books Boooooooks <3 Studying other stuff like languages, coding, etc. Night Coach some people Journal Watch Leo on YouTube Chat with friends Advertize my art on social media Self-help apps and practices This is fine.

Heyy 1200+ posts .. already?? Man, you're doing a great job with the journal, keep it up!!

I just wanted to share the fact that I found so much happiness today in working on my art. The feeling of holding a digital stylus made me realize how much of my life was and is dedicated each month, each year into art. It was an amazing feeling. I felt like being an artist was my calling (or part of it... I have many life purposes, but this is like one of my main career goals).. Man, idk.. I just feel like an artist today. (even when my art is bad .. it's mostly bad art yea..) I will post art when I'm doing own projects, I don't feel like posting people's *furry* characters anymore : ///

So this last page summarized shortly I want to be a good hardworking child to my parents. (I'm an adult but you get my point...) I have to do this in silence and in secret. I have to keep both major and minor achievements secret from them. And work extra hard, help in the home etc. while also doing my own job as an artist, book critic, writer and podcast host. (don't think too highly of me after reading this, because I'm only starting most of these projects,,,.. soooo... ) Coaching people online, digital art and podcasting are my main focus right now. But I'll also need to focus on reading books (I just ordered about 45 books and I have an extra 30 oldies waiting for me, *le sigh*) clean home early, do the dishes, clean room, do bed... etc. Take care of grandma's health, talk to mom about her emotional problems, be a supportive individual in the family, lead things into a better outcome Take care of my borderline narcissistic disorder not going out of hand.. possibly take minimal medication while accepting therapy options which are free or cheap, possibly talking to a friend, or group of friends. Idk, I keep feeling I am runing everything with my awkwardness and maniacal behavior ... : /// Find out why the fuuhh am I not attracting the right guys??? It's my fault, it's my fault, IT'S My FAuLtTtTtTtT, its my fault, its my faur;mrefmfenwdnkdwlc hhhhh : /// No more hurting-others-ocd-thoughts or intrusive thoughts, nowadays i only have spiritual or magickal thinking ocd, and even that just rarely To integrate Hinduism a bit more I should start to listen to more mantras, bhajans, aartis, shlokas and everything in between. I will focus on Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva, and their avatars. Also some main goddesses like Durga, Lakshmi and Saraswati. My main deity is Krishna :3 Also continue reading the Bhagavad-ghita, Vedas and Upanishads, take notes, study it, read it multiple times... And wake up early to do my mantra practices. I'll do whatever is worshiped that day in the Hindu culture, plus the Karagre Vasate Lakshmi-mantra at 5.. for an hour, two, half an hour maybe if I cannot for more Working on my relationship-related integrity. And the shadow work around that.. yikes. Planning, meditating, contemplating the nature of reality, why I am here, what's my life purpose, etc. And journaling of course And working on a daily schedule, yes. Now I won't be able to do these in a single day, obviously. I will work on each point when it's due time, but I cannot integrate it in a fraction of a minute,, o b v i o u s l y. Even writing these down took me half an hour. Lots and lots of planning and work ahead. S i g h. Not even sure if I can do it myself or if I'll need a coach.. but ffs, I am a coach*** to many people, why do I need a coach at this point?? *** Self-proclaimed coach obviously, I don't have a professional title just some experience in the field. And, today's mantra: * Expressing emotions freely is okay and healthy. *

That's called the rat-race. It is a way of life in which people are caught up in a fiercely competitive struggle for wealth or power. You always want more and more and no matter how much you have it's never enough. Its opposite is lifestyle minimalism.

What is worth doing and what isn't worth doing depends totally on what kind of person you are and what your goal in life is. People dedicate their lives to many things, for example some find gaming a waste of time (especially on self-help forums like this), while others make a career out of it. For the first person there are a set of different values and priorities, that's why he or she might find gaming a distraction from those values, for example if the said person finds value in studying and taking courses or maintaining high grades in a university setting. Then gaming will mean distraction and loss of valuable time that could've been used for studying. For the second person, if he or she games more, that's just more experience for his or her gaming career, so it's a win for them. So you see, it totally depends what your likes, dislikes, values and principles in life are. And even if the person is pursuing a different goal than becoming a professional gamer or a professional beatboxer, like you mentioned, or a singer.. doing things even for fun can have value in it. Like you see many professional people in all areas of life, some of them will take up a hobby like an instrument, singing, beatboxing, gaming, sports, etc. Because we are human, not work-robots or money-making machines, in the end. Things can be valuable for different reasons. Sometimes just as raw and basic value like part of survival (you're gaming after a long day of work to ease stress, or else you'd go insane or even commit suicide, without something to calm you and take the stress away), other times as complex as providing value for society in various ways or leaving behind knowledge for the coming ages (for people spending hours a days on Quora, forums, blogs/vlogs, people making free courses, people who share their knowledge, people who volunteer as listeners to people in emotional crisis). Or taking walks in nature for your well-being. Or making art for therapeutic purposes, or just because you simply like it. There's no need to be always a serious reason behind the things you do. Things you enjoy doing are usually not a waste of time. It's helpful to know the deep reasons behind your actions if you want to hold yourself accountable and to not lose time on less important things when there needs to be more focus on the important ones. Most of the things you do will be survival related, but that's okay. It still helps to be conscious of them. And other times things you do will be for purely the sake of happiness it brings. High values are usually: responsibility, discipline, perfection, ambition, hard-work. But you can also find value in recreational activities and connection with others, that's why people sing, dance and create art without making money from it. If every time you beatboxed you had to do it for money, would it have the same value and meaning to you? Some things cannot be measured by money and they're still valuable. For example if you want a good relationship, you might invest money in it (relationship therapy, gifts, vacations, traveling, creating a home for you two), but the relationship itself doesn't have a monetary value. Your girlfriend won't have a price because she is not an object. And you cannot buy a relationship, it just doesn't work that way. Nor does the relationship bring money to you (or at least it shouldn't), yet you find value in going out on dates. Neither can you buy health. You can buy things to improve your health, but most things to maintain your health are free, like exercise and good sleep. You cannot buy sleep, you cannot buy health if you destroyed it with smoking or fast food. Health doesn't have a monetary price, yet it's very valuable, if not the most valuable thing. Health is not money, yet you pursue activities to maintain your health. You cannot buy reputation, yet it is valuable and you make actions to be viewed as a good person. You cannot buy talent, but it has value. Friends are not money, yet you may find value in friendship. And so on... Yes, you need a career and you need to make a living, but you cannot base your whole life on only pursuing money. Maybe you're in a phase of life when you are working towards a career and that's why now money and success is the most important thing. Being financially independent is a very fundamental thing and you should work towards it very early in life. Just don't neglect other things you find valuable either. Because you'll never be happy by only pursuing money and fame. And the best way to earn money is through your passions, but only if they are realistic. So I think pursuing your passions, working towards financial independence and hanging out with friends, having a relationship, etc. and hobbies are all worth pursuing. And things that are unrealistic, are bad to your reputation, or your health or are making you lazy are not worth pursuing.

Umm.. I feel I went a little bit off on this thread. This thread was initially for emotional mastery work and shadow work, along with moving up the spiral and perfecting the alpha character. However, as I grow I will have similar posts to my previous one to this. Eventually, as I finish integrating my shadow and move higher on the stages of the SD model I will open a different thread with a new name for my further growth. It feels very limiting to not be able to change the title, but it is fitting anyway.. ((maybe as a subtitle)) ...It's just some posts really go too far from the initial plan for this thread. This thread should be called: Contemplations on The Human Potential and All The Work That Goes Into Perfecting The Machine (Part 1) Subtitle - Intuitive Shadow Work + SD Work + Work Towards Emotional Mastery and The Alpha Personality I assume when I finish this, I will call my next thread 'Contemplations on The Human Potential and All The Work That Goes Into Perfecting The Machine (Part 2)' Subtitle - (((( Idk yet, whatever I will be working towards at that time.. )))) I'm just trying to keep my journals orderly, ok? I failed so much at keeping order in my journals, both physical and non-physical , in the past.. oooffff ;-;

I will first have to allow myself to be imperfect, however hard will that be. Only knowing I can be imperfect if I want to, if I allow it, only then will open possibilities to better myself towards perfection, never touching it, of course, just forever working towards it. The closer I am to it, the more things to consider, and it would be a smaller distance, but still similar to adding further decimals to a periodic fraction. It never touches the wholeness/perfection, but nevertheless it's bettering itself. Does that mean I'll always be missing something? Not if I allow myself to be imperfect. But yes, if I always want something more. So in a sense, I'm a whole, but I'm not the whole I want to be, similarly like a 5 is a mediocre whole, but not a 10, and add the "decimal theory" I just made up, and then it will be a 5,(33333+3.....*infinite times), maybe better each time, maybe transcending itself to be a 6 through a miracle, but with obvious limitations, even if a 10, but numbers don't stop at 10.. and there's always someone ahead of you, if not by the millions, not just one person you have to win against, but everyone in the game of life! That is how the materialist/hedonistic paradigm works. It's never enough, and never be! (More money+more power,+more status ) * infinite Equals?? .. The Rat-Race, of course! "No matter how far you get, you're still a rat." - some YouTube comment Now with that in mind, I will tackle the first question: When did I get to this point of this mess? And I'll answer with another question: Considering the above written thoughts and ideas, is all of this really a mess? If I allow myself to be imperfect, then.. Then I can do whatever and get wherever and it's still the right place to be! "Wherever you go, there you are." - maybe a zen proverb? I am.. somewhere. Because I tried getting somewhere else, but I got here. I am here because I got myself here. Why here and not somewhere else where I wanted to be? Because I didn't find out where I am in life in the first place, and didn't decide where I want to be. I just followed the "work harder and you'll get further" ideology. I didn't have a clear destination in mind. I was just going aimlessly somewhere, and I stopped here. I am here, in this mess, now, because I didn't plan. I got myself here unconsciously. So rethinking it.. wherever you go, go consciously, so when you are there, you know it's a desirable place to be in. When did I get to this point of this mess, again? When trying to get out of the mess. And HOW did I get to this point? By working blindly without a plan. So I failed? Yes. The enemy is not trying and failing, but not trying. Experience or success, either is good in its own way. There's no bad experience, only more expertise, knowledge. It's like a study of the maze.. you learn what it is and what it is not. How it works, and how it does not work. So you'll keep trying. The road till success will form the character. The success will tell you if you're on the right path and the failure will tell you to try harder, do better, and go elsewhere because it wasn't the right direction. Failure is feedback, not punishment. Failure is jumping to a random point, or skipping the next inevitable point thus that leading to undesirable consequences. Success, however small is it, is staying on the right, straight road to the ultimate prize. From A to B, from B to C.. and so on, till your desired destination. There will be multiple trials in everyone's lives, sometimes you go straight to success, but other times you get distracted and jump to different random points in life, or even work hard for months without a clear direction or a clear goal to get that that random place where you don't even want to be. Or maybe the goal is unrealistic or too idealistic. Or like me, you work hard and blindly and hope to get success but that means you go from nowhere to again, nowhere. That's where I am. The problem is that I didn't analyze the situation and didn't plan ahead. I just got responsibilities on myself because of the dreams I had, but I did not have a clear, step-by-step road planned out. I accepted too much responsibility, too many tasks, and I wasn't able to deliver everything. I exhausted myself. So the solution should be prioritizing some things, and then to take it slow. Ah, now I see what Saturn is trying to teach....Slow and steady wins the race. I will have to sum up my goals and the obstacles that prevent me from reaching it yet. The work to be done, the obstacles to work through. Step by step, slow. Working on each step, each little chunk. Planning the future. Planning 5-10-20 years ahead... These come to mind. And more.. can't think right now. The answers will come anyway when I'm ready to hear them. Maybe give myself some time to just relax and gain back my energy levels. Contemplate and meditate on it. Sleep on it. Think it through. Sleep some more. Relax. Till I need it, no time-frame. I will just rush it if I give myself x amount of time to gain back myself. I'm very frustrated with all the work that needs to be done. I think I will resume to careful study of the problems that lay ahead and planning for the next 2-3 months. I might do some work too, if I clear out obstacles creatively, but I will not be jumping to conclusions heroicly, like "Ah, I should study 10 hours of math every day for 7 months without a day off to be able to comprehend all!.." Nono.. I will plan, and then it will be easier, and faster. I will study the problem, then act on it. Math exam is just a problem. It's not my only problem. I have other plans too, and dreams, responsibilities, NEEDS (which is a huge one..), aspirations, obstacles to face..also limitations (another huge one), and many others I cannot come up with right now, cause I need to analyze the whole human life's structure for that. It's a lot, really... And every human has these things going on. Life is really complicated. And so much pressure on such a small human being. It would be good to teach this in school, about how this maze works, and how the human machine works and how to perfect it to fit the maze. But it's all brainwash. Nobody ever taught me these things. I had to meditate to gain the insights. And there seems to be more and more things to tackle each day, each waking hour. So much to consider... I'll really need about 5 years at least to figure these all out, but I'll give myself 2-3 months, maybe up till my 23th birthday to figure out the basic structure of the road of my success. After that I'll get to work on the most urgent things, mainly that are linked to my survival needs, so that I can stabilize myself financially at least a little to then work towards what is worth working towards. Now I see what Leo meant by people meditating for 40 years and still not getting to their highest potential! And I'm giving myself 5 years! I always took those remarks from him lightly, but... There will need to be much discipline. And I don't even know what that is yet that I want to work towards. All I know is that is beyond survival not related to the rat-race but something of higher elevation Both conclusions came from the meditation above. And the pat with survival, I just intuit it. I know, survival has to be maintained, so I exist??? lol?? so I can live to achieve whatever I will find worth achieving. Maybe im a lil confused about survival and all that it has to do with, I need to study it more deeply. Along with studying the maze, the human potential and the perfecting of the human machine. Yeah, I need some time to meditate and contemplate. And sleep on it, relax, sleep some more, work work work and think for long hours into the nights to come...

So for about almost a week I stopped my daily Saturn mantra practice and also stopped doing shadow work, I wasn't really thinking much about anything "spiritual" in nature. Except for grieving for God, or rather, grieving my belief in a God-figure. Would this be the next step towards Orange on the Spiral? This time I'm allowing this grief to unfold. Last time it wasn't so easy. ...I was barely 14. I lost belief in God and I cried a lot. I lost sleep, I lost my appetite, for food, and for life. Now at almost 23, finding myself in the same position, I prevail. I still cry before sleep, and cry in my silent hours in the night. I cry when no one sees me. Or rather, I shed a few silent tears. Life is in a great mess, in a great chaotic state. Too much pressure from all sides.. I envision my tasks and responsibilities revolving around my physical body as moons of a planet. They're not me, they're not ME, but they're OF me, I am responsible for all those tasks, or else my reputation breaks. Reputation as a steady-working artist, as a great speaker, author, critic.. or even that of a good child or that of an individual that's spiritual and orderly. When did it get to this point of this mess? How did I allow it? Why did I allow it? What did I allow exactly? What needs to be done? In what order? When is it all "DONE" (/perfection achieved)? I plan to continue integrating Hinduism into my belief system. I wonder how it will go with my current atheist views.. I got a book from a good friend when I was in times of spiritual crisis. Bless that man.. the book is great, I owe my friend at least to use the information for good, if not otherwise, then my own good for now. I didn't find time to read it. What takes up most of my time? What should take up most of my time? Why isn't it taking up most of my time if it should? What is important and urgent? What is urgent? What is unimportant? What is neither urgent nor important? (time management concept) How to find more time for reading? And how do I read effectively (read+integrate)? I still haven't figured out why my last boyfriend left me (ghosted without any explanation). I was a good girlfriend this time and I did my best. The only reason could be my past as a repeated cheater / player (I worked on myself since and I decided to be either faithful, or to announce anything that I have in mind in time, and so I did, I'm all good this time), or his parents not allowing him to be with me, and him not wanting to give explanation to me to not hurt my feelings (seems reasonable). So I was a good girlfriend the whole time. I didn't cheat, and his parents not liking me is not my problem (it is but it's not something I can deal with / out of my control). I did my best to be the perfect girl and to serve all his needs. I'm clean. I was a good person up till now, romantically speaking. For almost half a year, I played fair. I did do a pretty big mistake back in October (after the relationship ended). I still fought for what's mine, or what I believed was/is mine. For some reason I am attached to this special someone. Is it karmic? Most likely. Do I handle it well? I have to answer a few key points to find out.. Is being a lover a good idea? Does working on integrating my shadow side excuse me from being immoral at those times of working on myself/ finding myself / my own answers (assuming being a lover is immoral by society's terms)? Should one's sinister nature be lived out behind society's taboos, or even openly? Or repressed? Maybe finding a middle ground? (And will my answer to this question be my own opinion or what is expected for me to say (question reframed: survival of my identity as the light-/angel being vs. my voice/my truth)?) Am I still said person's lover, or was it a one-time misstep? (I need further information / clarification) Is fighting for what's "yours" an act of great love, or an act of blind attachment to a false promise? Not sure if being brutally honest publicly about my complicated amorous life will lessen my credibility in other areas. (It shouldn't.) I'm going through a phase where I'm just questioning if this is what reality is about, or if I sowed the seeds of a terribly karmic future. And that brings the ultimate question: Am I being led, or leading myself? If I were to lead myself autonomously, where should I lead this relation? (end things, come to terms with current realities, find common ground, or something else?.. what's the solution?) When I had one of my first relationships about 5 years ago, I was told that this is the nature of reality of modern adult romantic life. So does this make me a victim of that mentality, or am I a conscious maintainer of an ideology? Was it my choice, or was I dragged into this mentality? Where am I acting unconsciously? These are all questions and meditations on emotional maturity. There's no point for me to make things prettier than they are. And I'm trying to be as objective as I can be here. In ethics and moral questions one's emotions might not be the right compass. Higher truth seems to be in the mind, of the mind, or towards a rational conclusion, you name it. Emotions may lead one to his/her destruction in many different ways, if one puts greater weight on the love, the union, or even the little play between the individual and the loved one, however innocent I could make ADULTERY sound, for f*ck's sake!!. The obvious answer: cut off the relation. It's all a mess, just give it up. It's unhealthy, sad, risky, and plain weird. You don't need that now, of all times! Still, even while in the possession of the right answer, I will consider my questions for further meditation, as they're a great tool of self-knowledge. Further observation: emotions seem to be based on primary instincts. (Or is this just an Orange-ish assumption? Even if it is, does the assumption not have a kernel of truth? For me it seems obvious till this point) I'm an instinctual being, and up to this point I was being led by unconscious instincts and urges to satisfy a deeper need that CAN and SHOULD have SOLUTIONS OF A HIGHER GROUND ANALYSIS! Ffffuh yess, I found my answer, Finally. So the deeper a need is, the higher we go in trying to find a solution. Ugh, yess. How didn't I realize? So happy for the new clarity of mind. I think this is my best post on the thread so far. For being so brutally honest, but also for going in the greater depths of a shallow-seeming problem that usually gets narrow-minded answer. I really out-did myself in shadow work today.

Same thing with ugliness as with justice. If I see something I find ugly, I get an urge to destroy it, to attack it (to protect myself from it) Evolutionally, what we percieve as ugly actually can cause harm to us. Note to self: Learn to let go from protecting yourself all the time and embrace life, become strong in character and willpower. See through visual ugliness and reframe it into what it really is. Sometimes things really just... are.

I used to feel like I have a tick of intention.. not of body or thought.. I got a sudden uncontrollable intention to want to hurt loved ones or random people in general. I did not want to have these intentions/thoughts.. they came automatically and intrusively without me being able to control them at the moment. They obviously came from a deeper wound. And the deeper wound was injustice. I wanted to destroy injustice subconsciously, so my subconscious mind projected injustice on people that were close to me .. thus the sudden thoughts and images of wanting to hurt them. I, as a conscious self, don't want to hurt anyone. In fact I don't even want to hurt my enemies who would be deserving of it. Who am I to punish? Saturn is up there taking care! Besides.. I have no enemies ☺? When realising I only want the injustice gone, I can contenplate what injustice the person has done to me that I am not consciously aware of yet. When realising the problem, I can work on forgiving them and even working together with them on our friendship, or relationship, or relating or other type of issues. Currently my realization helps keep a calm mind. I don't consciously feel any injustice done to me right now, but I will try to introspect on the problem continually! ?

The fact that I can't seem to succeed at attracting my crush kinda bothers me. But I am working on improving my life so that I attract him. He is not easily impressed at all. He doesn't even reply to my messages. He is the embodiment of perfection for me. I do see his flaws but in my eyes even his flaws seem like beautiful traits. I love his hairstyle even if it's kinda ugly and thinning. He smells of pheromones and is always visibly horny (I know this from observing his mannerisms). I don't like that he is so ruthless with everyone, neither do I like his psychological manipulations, but I do realize that if that changed then it wouldn't be him.. it's part of his character, a character that I love. I could be the best person in the world and my crush still wouldn't like me. Maybe if I was prettier he would. But im stuck with a below average face and a mediocre body so how do I solve that? Once I confessed to him that I love him in the worst way possible and since then he ghosted me. That was 3 years ago. F*cc my life ? If someone can give me life advice on this topic, please do.

I will post my art business/freelance related things to my art career and daily artwork journal from now on. I have some notes from a while back I wanted to post So here they go.. "I'm worrying about my grandmother's health. She has problems with her spine but she keeps forcing her back, she keeps pushing herself to the limit. I don't like that mentality.. sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses. And at other times you need to know where to stop before you cripple yourself. ? I told her not to force her back. She keeps bouncing like a ball around the house. She might just break her neck. I have to take care of her. But she's unstoppable, I swear! I will have to clean the home behind her back or while she sleeps. For that I have to be awake at 5. I usually am awake by that time (I have an excellent sleep schedule w00t), and after practicing my mantras I could clean every part of the house. Yasss! Washing the halls. Disinfecting the doorknobs. Making order in the home.. folding clothes and washing dishes.. If I want to be an alpha personality, I also have to be a good leader. To become the head of the family. It's my duty in a sense, and my responsibily cause none others would do it. They are a mess. Currently grandma is the head of the family, because she's the eldest. She is not doing the best job, maybe not even doing a too good job, but the important thing is that she takes the responsibility to care for us. And I love her and care for her too. Actually I care for my entire family. ------------ My mom thinks she has to be a kind of messiah to humanity, a saint, a hero.. I mean wtf does she think she is. ??? She thinks she has to solve the world's problems. Fine mom, you can try.. But remember that currently you are not in that position ? I'm not judging my mom's good intentions but she has no idea about the world. Besides, her idea of saving the world is to indoctrinate everyone with a dogmatic low-vibe self-sacrificing point of view. But she also genuinely wants to contribute to society. I could help her with that.. buy a laptop or a tablet and browse the we together on it. ☺ Teaching her technology and politics.. I could do this.. --------------- I let go of my materialism and the need to possess wealth. That's a good step from the SD Orange need to own riches to the SD Green acceptance, minimalism and simplicity. Not like I'm rich or anything but I'd rather have something good and expensive than many things that are cheap. And if I had a lot of money I'd probably donate the most of it to causes.. --------------- My mom thinks she has to explain herself all the time or else she is misunderstood. She is very insecure about herself. I try to gently guide her to the realization that people don't misunderstand things so easily because things don't work the way she thinks they work, or the way she needs them to work. Life is infinitely complex and I would like to help her understand that fact so that she can solve her problems and have a better experience of life than she has now. ------------ I am kinda borderline narcissistic and I can't help it ..? I notice this often throughout my day and in my interactions. I have to be careful of my behavior.. ._. " ☺?☺?☺?

I started being more active on instagram today ^^ I'm trying to promote my shark designs. But I am also looking for inspiration. Oh, and I think I will only post non-character related art on actualized from now on... these designs belong to deviantart and instagram ._.

I do make lots of artworks I just didn't have time to post ? Here are some recent works.. (posting more later today) The character belongs to lunastarsub on toyhouse. The artwork below is drawn by me.

Some of my passions are art, singing, dancing and coaching/giving advice, speaking. I want to make all of these into my life purposes. I love so many things that it's literally difficult to choose what I like. Because everything has beauty in it. But I will choose 3 main.. Coaching/Active listening I like to help people out by either giving them advice or asking the right questions. I love psychology, and I always wanted to be a psychologist. Later on I found out that what I was wanting to do has more to do with coaching and entrepreneurial work and owning a business than with psychology. I actually volunteer on a listening website when I can and have the energy. Lately I only shared my knowledge on actualized. If I want to be a good coach I have to take myself seriously too. If I have to make people realize their problems and help them in solving them.. then it's out of question that I need to have at least a decent graded high school diploma. I mean I can't believe it's been 5 years almost since I finished school, and I still procrastinate. I really have to take this stuff seriously. I like mathematics, but there's a lot of work and it's boring to learn alone. But if I want something important, I am willing to sacrifice my time for it. And that's what I'm going to teach my clients too in the future, that sacrifies is key, in any form, time, money, fun... if you want the big cheese you're going to have to work for it in a disciplined way. I will try to make at least 3 math exercises every day. Speaking/Podcasting I am working on a podcast, but right now there is nothing finished about it, I'm just investing in myself to be the one people are going to listen to. It's going to turn out very well! I practice speaking in front of the laptop, I just didn't have time these days. I have a few decent recordings. I will try to speak more, I have to get used to speaking 1/2 - 1 hours every day. Then increase it up to 5 hours. Digital art I have to draw every day. At least 1 or 2 drawings. I won't beat myself up if I skip like a day or two, I just need a better work ethic and more discipline in my work. I will sell commissions, custom character designs, nsfw art (gore and nude art), and original characters. My art will have a neon aesthetic. I want to be a professional in that domain, but not only in art, I also am interested in the other two domains mentioned above. Singing and dancing are more like a hobby. I would really love to make a song covers YouTube channels though So in recap: To be a coach I have to first solve all my problems or most of my blocks in life that are preventing me to be better than my highest potential. To be a speaker I have to practice daily in front of a computer or mirror. To be a professional artist I have to make 1-5 very good to excellent artworks daily, consistently, persistently with no excuses, with my focus on details. Now let's get to work.

[Confused Tears] Made this on Monday just didn't have the time to post it.

I will not stop working on it when it's good enough. I stop when it's perfect. I want my family to be proud of me. Being a good child. I will do everything I have in my power to please them. But in the same time I will have to do it without letting them know I do it.. so in secret. Because my family has a history of over-praising me. I talked about my family history in my previous post. And yeah, don't get me wrong.. I like praise, but it's not what I strive for in the first place. I strive to be a good child to them and a decent human being in general. Today I cleaned the kitchen and I did it with much greater precision than they do. My family makes everything with perfect precision, but I have more perspicacity, so I can work more thoroughly. I will not tell them I did it. When they get home, I hope they notice. But I don't expect them to praise me, even if they will. And I know they will. When they praise me, I won't be overly narcissistic about it. I will thank them and then move on with my life and with whatever I have to do for the day. I have lots of work to do, so I won't let some praise allow me to procrastinate further, and how deserving I would be of the praise won't change the fact that I still have tons of work to do. Cleaning a kitchen is not a big accomplishment even if it looks much better now. Compared to what I want to accomplish it's nothing. An alpha person won't stop when things are good or even very good. The alpha will strive for utter perfection. Even if they don't observe, I am happy I could do great service to my family by cleaning and organizing the kitchen. It also looks aesthetically pleasing for the eyes, so it makes me feel more comfortable about being around. I still have a shitton of work to do for it to be in perfect condition, but am looking forward to see the outcome of my future work. ?

Last night I contemplated the nature of fear and what safety is. I came to some nice realizations. But during the beginning of the meditation I had some minor hallucinations. Maybe they weren't hallucinations, I'm just very sensitive to all sounds and light/shadows due to massive levels of energy coming in through my crown chakra. I took a high dose of medication, triple of what I normally have to take at night. I also ate myself sick. I did these because I felt like my third eye was opening to dangerous levels I was not ready for yet. I started sensing and seeing spirits and they very soo beautiful and cool but also eerie and slightly sinister. I couldn't take seeing them yet.. After being overly full and after the minor medicine intoxication my kundalini energy went to the third chakra, and I intuitively knew this would happen that's why I poisoned myself and made myself sick. (!!!!These kinds of solutions come fronexperience with directing the kundalini energy, I don't recommend you do the same unless you know what you are doing!!) So now my energies had "work" to do in the belly area and had to fight he intoxication. I calmed down, got a sense of grounding. I talked with one of my family members to stay with me until I fall asleep. I needed company because I was unstabilized at the moment from the kundalini movements in the body and the sudden third eye awakening. I was awake for more than 30 hours and also doing serious shadow work. Beside that I drank coffee like mad for days now.. I'm addicted to caffeine and probably should work on developing my energy level stabilization processes, but right now I'm good with coffee.. I couldn't sleep because I have too much on my mind. But I also couldn't sleep because I have tons of motivation to solve those problems. So I am meditating and listening to mantras at night and working on becoming financially independent at daytime. So far it's going well. I just get all these weird effects of not sleeping enough. Medication can help me. Not sure if I can replace sleep with meditation but I'll try? I can't sleep sometimes not only because my energy levels, but also because I am uncomfortable in the dark. Not necessarily scared of the dark it's just uncomfortable for my physiology.

I recommend people not to share their too personal stuff in their journals because that can lead to regrets later (everyone can see these on the internet). I also not recommend sharing business ideas because that can lead to others stealing it. (But business related tips and tricks benefit many, and it isn't a bad idea to share that type of business information in these threads.) I only share more personal, dramatic information because I want people in the same boat or similar situations to see that it's possible to recover from any toxic or weird situation. You're not alone guys.. I go through the whole process of my shadow work so others can learn. Besides I have nothing to hide. I am an open person, and I cannot be hurt, I'm already too stable for that. But if anyone tries to hurt me based on these informations, they are only hurting themselves because we are all One. And since we are all One, I am hurting my own self through them. But Me, The One, wouldn't do such thing because I don't deserve it. The Big I is infinitely intelligent and it only "punishes" people to give them a life lesson to heal their karma. So in case I might deserve such punshment from Life, bring it on. I accept it. ?

Neon Aura (satyr) Cosmic Yellow (punk girl) I love these character designs I made! I will keep them around for a while then sell them. I'm especially attached to Neon Aura. They don't have names or stories yet. But the satyr is half ram and half deer. uwu

I was about to continue, but in a different post. I was writing that post you replied to for 2 hours, and the post before that for 1 hour. Probably going to write this for 3 haha I'll see what I can do .. I needed some time to regenerate my creative flow. Besides, I'm also working on myself. If you go to the journals section of the forum I have a journal for emotional mastery and how I'm working on my behavioral/character flaws and my wounds. Also integration of the SD model and shadow work ( which I do by analyzing trauma + embracing the sinister within). If you ever decide to take a look, which I don't expect, but if you do please ignore the first page of posts, they don't really have value. I wrote that during psychosis and when I was mentally unstable yet. My mind was very scattered back then. Also I'm very glad you enjoyed my writings, I was honestly a bit worried it wouldn't resonate. I will also come back to my posts on this because these are things I also work on currently. And also for the posts of other people on the thread, of course. I think this is overall a very good thread, quite introspective. I agree, you should finish college. What I'm thinking would help is watching motivational videos about studying. I found a few good ones on Youtube, there's a channel called Elon Project, or something like that if I remembered correctly. You have to go through the obstacle of feeling that studying is tiring, boring, hard and useless. Studing is tiring: Why is studying tiring for you? Is studying tiring only for you or also for other people? What could make studying easier? Why do you get tired, what is that aspect in studying that makes you tired instead of wanting to study 10 times as hard? (because some people simply enjoy studying more than anything, understanding stuff.. even Leo thinks understanding is the meaning of life!) Why is studying making you tired instead of even more hyperactive and excited by every little progress you make? Studying should make you curious. The more you know the more you realize how little you know. The more knowledgeable you are the more you realize how much more there is to know. A door opens to a room, there are two more doors to open in that room. You open one of the two doors and you get greeted by 4 ore doors. That's how knowledge works. You have to work on your curiosity and desire to know. But for that you need a reason. Why would you want to know anything? Or why would you want to know a specific niche of knowledge? What interests you and why? What kind of knowledge would you like to gain? Studying is boring: Depends on what you study. What could you study that is not boring? Studying is hard: That's the beauty of it. If it was easy, you wouldn't learn anything. In hinduism they teach that life is hard and unfavorable because we have to go to challenges to learn. Then we can achieve transcendence etc. I could talk about more interesting hindu concepts, but I'm very tired and I have some work to finish. Study is useless: Study useful things, then studying won't be useless. And yeah I actually started this post more than 3 hours ago I just got busy with my art. Will add more replies later . Will follow the thread!