Aquarius

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Everything posted by Aquarius

  1. blind eyes [2nd of February 2019] feels like everybody is trying to fix me seemlessly trying to mix me into the whirling antidote against the sacred sovereignity of the Self. and I tried to be nice, I tried to comply, tried I to be firm tried I to stand up against the throwing of rocks of the masses. I was there, and God, was I loud! I am sacrifice under human flesh I'm the mirror on your wall I'm your reflection staring back at you I'm the keeper of light in dark times. I am your friend, and also am I your deepest fear and also am I the love in times of ruthlessness your genie inside the broken vase of my tormented body. call me and I'm there but you better speak my language I only know one: that of love. That shall be enough for now.
  2. @tsuki I knoow, it was a joke! I am laughing at myself lol. No worries, you didn't offend me. And even if you did I am responsible for my reactions and emotions. All of these categorizations are mere models, some are more widespread, some aren't. Some are older, some are emerging. I simply identified myself with something that resonated. I know you meant I seemed a bit arrogant, I mean, that's a pretty high level, but I didn't say it out of ego. It's all meaningless, after all. Didn't mean to brag. I think green and yellow can be wonderful if developed with patience. The spiral model takes hours to study. It's a mere self-development tool based on psychological observations. Some people tell me I'm more turquoise than coral, but that's because those people are either green or turquoise themselves and turquoise doesn't see the stage above him. None of these stages are better or worse than others, each human being is equally valuable and every stage can have negative and positive manifestations, depending on the individual's psychology. Besides, the spiral model was meant to represent the dynamic between societies, from what I heard, but it's also used by individuals to develop themselves. If you feel yellow is comfortable, then remain there and become the most positive version of yellow. Learn everything about yellow. Not every human wishes to evolve further on the ladder. Sometimes we can develop and evolve within a specific stage, and a positive yellow is still better than a negative turquoise manifestation. It is said that Coral correlates with the Boddhisattva, in case you wondered. Sometimes I can regress into green when I'm depressed. I had to visit a psychiatrist after my enlightenment because I couldn't handle it, it was too fast, it broke my mind in a sense. Fun times. So yeah my point is that it's not worth going somewhere that isn't comfortable. No need to feel inadequate, in case that's how you feel about the whole model of the spiral.
  3. That's good. I hope you're getting what you've expected. Communication difficulties and misunderstandings can easily arise in such complex topics, Depending on where you are on the path. @now is forever <3
  4. I think you're referring to the spiritual ego. Thanks for your concern..But no, I was aware that you genuinely meant everything. I wasn;t projecting anything, I asked a question to be able to help you in a more effective way. I was literally saying, "help me help you". And I meant your thread, not your post. Sorry for the confusion, it's late night here. Was generally and genuinely asking what are you expecting from the actualized community.
  5. Thanks! Nice to meet you too, it's a pleasure to talk to you. I'm a girl by the way. No worries tho haha, just mentioning it cause you had no way to know it, so you created a picture of me in your mind, which is natural and not "bad", in fact it's something that everyone does, it;s how the human mind works. Many people assume I'm a guy, maybe it was my emo-ish profile picture haha. You tell me. (See the point I'm trying to make here? We all make projections based on past experiences. Me being a girl in essence is meaningless, at least I believe it doesn't alter the helpfulness of my posts for you). And yeah, I guess I can be constructive sometimes, I get that often. I am confident but deep within I know I am just like everyone else. A random human being. But thanks, that really felt good! It's ok to be abrasive. No one can take that away from you. It's a choice. You're free to choose each response, no one was doing the action of typing for you but you. Not saying it was wrong, it was neutral from a non-dual point of view. Abrasive is just your opinion about yourself, but if you feel like it resonates with you, fine, be it. You are aware that everyone can be what you call "abrasive", right? No need to be hard on yourself, but I appreciate your honesty with yourself, it's definitely a sign that you're on the right track! Keep up the good work! Sorry if I scared you away with my last post, I'm still practicing to express my unconditional love towards people effectively, so don't mind me if I was bit awkward haha.
  6. What are you trying to achieve with this whole post? Authentically, honestly speaking. Let us know. If you have no ego, you have nothing to protect and nothing to hide, so a question like this should be no trouble for you to answer. Plus we are trying to help you. Let us know what are you expecting of us. at least me, the individual typing this, I'm genuinely curious about your needs. All of us were trying to help in our own way, you're just not aware of it. I don't actually expect you to respond, just sit with yourself and contemplate if you need to. You are free to choose your reactions or non-reactions. I am only reminding you of things, I'm not assuming you don't know them. So it;s pointless to argue. Maybe take a break and respond later if you feel like it.
  7. Exactly. You're speaking from experience, and from your own point of view. Your opinion is valid and real and valuable in its own way, I acknowledge that. I understand, when someone is frustrated they might not be in the mood to read long article-like posts. But I'm a writer and an artist, couldn't help myself haha. Relax, I was just expressing my opinion. I don't know what you know, was just sharing a view. Might have done it to share my experience with borderline, most people find it comforting to read that they are not alone, that cure and hope is possible when they are walking in the dark. Might have done it because it felt just right. I don't even know honestly, mental masturbation doesn't help me in this case. I just felt like writing that, so I did. I try to be a helpful and supportive member of the community. I mean, I naturally am since I let consciousness move through me in an authentic, natural way, ... you get what I mean. I don't know what you know, and I didn't assume anything. I already stated it before in a longer post. I'm not doing it to make a point, just doing it... just because. Is there really a need for a reason when you're your authentic, honest, True self?
  8. Borderline personality disorder is, well, a personality disorder. Even after enlightenment you'll still have a personality. You make it sound like enlightenment alone is the cure for all diseases. Beside, borderline is just a label. Even so, it's not even an illness, it's a condition, a state of mind to be specific. And that state of mind is treatable and even curable. You can see behaviors from his mind and interpret it your way, through your own lens. You haven't said anything with that, your sentence was empty of meaning. If you ever been curious, here's borderline from a very different angle. This also proves further how much difference is between people and mindsets! I find it fascinating. You're arguing alone, with yourself. No individual on this forum was contradicting you. You're free to have your own ideas.
  9. @corndjorn Ah, I see it now. Thanks for explaining, the situation is clearer now. I now see where I was mistaken. I think we can learn a lot from each other if we let go of the egoic need of being right all the time. When you come to a self-help community, it is expected that people will try and give you advice. Because we are a community. I meant no harm. I know what enlightenment is. But you seem to have a spiritual ego. I recently found this video and it helped me clear my mind, the girl really knows what she talks about. You might find it beneficial. What I was trying to say is that you can do whatever you want without convincing anyone that you are right or wrong about your ideas. We all have different ideas about life. I was agreeing with you in all that you said, in fact, I really appreciated your post and thought it was cool, but you could have not known that because you cannot read my mind, neither can I read your mind, I can only make guesses on what would benefit you best, and then try and give you some advice, because it seemed to me that you would appreciate it. I didn't mean to annoy you. I just pointed out certain mechanisms within you that you might not be aware of, but they are showing in your way of wording certain things. I wasn't assuming anything, just simply telling you that's how it came across as. I was telling you how it sounded like, I wasn't assuming anything. I admit I could've asked some questions beforehand instead of saying things that might rub you off the wrong way. Many things in my post were unnecessary, I know, but I wasn't saying anything harmful and I based my arguments on personal experience and I think I was fairly neutral in what I said. Was trying to know you better, give you helpful advice the best way I could with the information I had, from my point of view. Don't act like we know each other since we were kids. You cannot expect me to know exactly what would help you, again, I'm just a random individual on the internet. I don't feel superior to you, now THAT'S an assumption from your part. I was responding to your ideas, not to you. You seem to be attached to ideas. I meant it might be seen this or that way, and I appreciated you explaining what you meant. It was constructive feedback, in a way. I'm sorry my ideas didn't resonate with you, but that's just how my personality is. I cannot be everyone's cup of tea, unfortunately. I don't even try to. Why would I? I'm just a stranger on the internet, don't get offended by me. I don't know anything about you, how could I? I only make observations based on the information you provide. I'm interpreting it through my own lens. What else would you expect me to do? Treat others as you want to be treated. You got very defensive of your ideas, a mechanism of the ego. Again, just an observation. I know I said enlightenment is just a tool, but I meant it figuratively from my point of view. Then I realised I worded it weirdly and I corrected myself, and said: enlightenment is not the end destination. Go check my post again, and ask yourself if you yourself aren't projecting any anger or arrogance into it. After you get enlightened you still have a lot of other things to do. Ever heard the zen saying, "Before enlightenment, chop wood. After enlightenment, chop wood." ? I also got frustrated about you not being receptive to my advice and not appreciating me working literally 1 hour editing and writing the post, but I accept it and I let go of the feelings and desires for my advice to be received well. I'm pretty sure someone one day will find it helpful, and I'm pretty sure others will do their best to "debunk" and misinterpret me. I'm fine with that too. Because I know that I was being honest with myself and true to my values when I wrote that. A thing which is, in the end, meaningless. Unless it has a meaning for you. But that's your choice. I think I learned a lot from our interaction, which is great. How do you feel about what I said in this current post? Does it resonate more? I'm just trying to teach you something, but maybe I was expressing it in a way that didn't feel quite right for whatever reason, maybe touching on insecurities. I took a lot of care on wording my thoughts carefully and respectfully, could you please elaborate on why it seemed condescending to you? I would gladly accept any feedback because I'm on actualized to learn, and I am flexible to developing myself further. Thanks in advance. In any case, I wasn't trying to make you feel inadequate, if that's what you mean. I just offered something that I felt could be helpful for both you and members of the community reading it. Do you think that's a "bad" thing? If so, why? Pic related.
  10. It's that little Narcissus devil speaking on my shoulder, ignore me if you must. Simply beautiful. *tear rolls down on my cheek* I desire. How does one acquire such beauty in one's library, please? Jk lol I'll google it, seems worthy of my attention. I hope I won't need a priest after I read it.
  11. I didn't sweat it, just simply explained myself. We cool. Well, when I like someone I can easily become everything the other person needs in order to bring out the best in them, to make them evolve. But that's just me. You do you, of course. From what I understood, you had an unpleasant experience with a woman who tried to "tame" you. Yeah, I know how it is. That's the exact reason I mainly befriend males, because us females tend to have larger egos than men (not all females, just a generalization, just so we're clear), and we easily take everything to heart. I admit I do this too, I get easily offended when I'm stressed or tired. This is just an observation, a perspective. I'm curious about your perspective on the female ego. I have a few good female friends though, I just always have to hold myself back when it comes to talks about sexuality because they treat it as a taboo. For me, spiritual practices are more taboo than sex because it's something more personal. Sex is just sex I guess. I mean sure, you can make it a sacred practice, but you need collaboration for that. I'd only have sex with mystics if I could. Gods be good, one can dream. Am I really childish, or is the image of me you hold in your head childish? I would rather call the thread unrealistic or idealistic, if anything. I guess it's my personality that might have seemed "childish", or it might be that I was tired when I replied to you so I lacked the concentration at that very moment. Also, is childish a wrong thing? If so, why? Wasn't I just being overly honest at times, a little playful at times? See, it all boils down to perspective. I don't think you calling a complete stranger you just met childish is the most effective approach in trying to help them, if helping them is your intention. In fact it feels pretty belittling and insulting. It seems to me like you were just trying to boost your ego by insulting me. I'm just saying it looks that way. Your opinion is just a perspective and I don't quite understand why you feel the need to press it so hard into my face. The thread was created two months ago, I made drastic changes since then in my mindset. Do you think authentically kind persons are childish? What exactly seemed childish about my writing? The style, the wording, the humor? You don't say anything that is constructive, in my opinion. It's almost like you try to punish me for being myself. That's how it comes across. Don't worry about it though, it did hurt a lot but I decided to "transmute" that negative emotion in creative ways through art and I wrote a poem I will post later in my journal, so thank you for this opportunity to grow.
  12. They're just a tool, objectively speaking. Won't work for everyone. It can be really dangerous to do without supervision and research, from a general point of view. They're also illegal in most places, for realistic reasons. But if anyone ever does them, they better do it with extensive research in their pocket and being prepared for the worst while expecting the best. I also don't agree with their usage, but who am I to stop anyone? I never even tried them, nor am I willing to, so I can't speak from experience. But since you asked for a perspective on the topic, I'd rather use mantras, prayer, affirmations, binaurals and subliminal audio if needed for certain purposes, namely, achieving a more positive state of mind, becoming more productive after my recent enlightenment experience, balance, relaxation, mindset, etc. They are generally safer, but you still need to take care, do your research and stuff, just to be sure. Know what they are and what they aren't used for. Not saying this approach is better, just a more gentle approach in case you might be into that kind of stuff. I spent 3 years researching them and their effects on me and others, also experimenting what works best for me, and how it can the most effective. So whatever approach you choose you still gotta do the work. The only rule to keep in mind is that they're just the tool, not a necessity. It's easy to get obsessed with them because of everything the people who make them promise them to do. There's still a lot of marketing strategy in there, and the producers market them as being a cure for everything, instead of being a helpful tool, like a hammer or a phone or any object that is helpful. Realistically speaking, it can take years of usage until you can sense some breakthrough. Slow, but steady work that requires dedication, patience and time. Was only mentioning them so that you know there are alternatives in case you are into that type of approach. Just don't believe everything you read on the internet ok, and I'm saying this to everyone. Psychedelics are sort of propulsing you into a world that you might not be ready for, and it's not for everyone. You really seem to have certain inhibitions around them, so if you feel it;s not your style there's no shame in going your way with your own values. Just please don't feel like you have to convince anyone about you being right, or looking for validation for that matter. What I'm saying is, try to question why you made the post in the first place. Are you curious to try them out and looking for someone to convince you (which is a weak character trait in my opinion). Or did you perhaps feel the need to speak up against something, fighting for a cause, which is welcome but still reflective of you not doing the research. The point I was trying to make is, whatever you do just do the research and take safety precautions. I agree with everything you said by the way. But remember that I'm just a random person on the internet, I don't have the answers to everything, just points of view. Only you know what's best for you. And enlightenment is merely a tool as well, not the end destination! It just sounded like you were looking for a mentor if you ask me. If you wanted Leo's opinion, you could've watched his video. Seems like you tried to teach him a lesson, by the way you worded the whole paragraph. You were also overgeneralizing a lot. Just something to consider, not attacking you or anything.
  13. @Elysian You're a good man, the world needs you. It's very uplifting and healing to read all of that. You really seem to know what you talk about.
  14. Forgive me for any unpleasantness the term "nasty slut" may have produced in you, it was really rude from my part, I should have not used that kind of foul language. I get what you mean, and by no means was I directing that word at anyone, just trying to get myself understood, maybe I got frustrated with you assuming things about me, but that's fine, you were just trying to interpret my situation the best way you could, and I really appreciate the advice you offered, even if I seem slightly distant. You see, what someone says certainly says a lot more about themselves than the person reading the forum post, in this case it says a lot about my upbringing and the society I live in, the things I hear every day from friends and family. I'm not repressed, but been repressed up until recently. Been doing lots of work and achieved exponential growth in all areas of life lately, thanks to this forum and a good friend that took his time to listen to my problems. I'm not judging anyone, neither myself nor others, no worries about that. It's just some cynicism that slipped accidentally hahaha, shit... Hahaha well the 10 hour cunnilingus sounds sweet, but it's not something that turns me on unless it comes naturally. I like to let things happen, let things unfold, sort of like watching a flower blossom into beauty (can't help my poetic nature, excuse me). I'm taking it slow, building the emotional connection first because we are very much alike in personality (both of us are the Innoccent Jungian typology and his fire energy fits my air energy well). I remember it was love at first sight when I met him 5 years ago, I was just angry cause I thought he is a girl at first, and I'm heterosexual (not like I would friendzone decent women by any means!). I felt a connection to him instantly and I went up to him and introduced myself. I remember he was really shy and cute and I was horrible lol, I did things like pull off his pants to mock him playfully lol poor guy. Fun times. Lovely story, I'm glad you found such an awesome partner! No, I'm just extremely observant of the tone of voice, posture, facial structure, energy, eyes, gestures and movements. Maybe it's just attraction, not literally falling in love. I just tend to live things very intensely since I'm a highly sensitive person and I tapped into unconditional love, so it can be confusing to put these things into words, but on an experiential level it feels very healthy for me. Maybe I'm just getting used to allowing myself to feel sexual attraction towards attractive men for the first time in my life without repressions, and it feels kinda... new. Yeah, that might be it. But it doesn't feel dirty at all for some reason. I just feel like "Oh my God, you MAN! Please allow me to hug you or I'll succumb to eternal frustration ughhh." Haha. Just joking, it doesn't feel like this at all. I just have a desire to connect with the person on a deeper emotional level. Thank you for caring though, I appreciate. Careful about what you assume about strangers you barely met. I don't feel like I have any kind of problems (read: neuroses) anymore. I just have a unique and subtle humor that might not always seem evident to the person reading the post. Honestly, all my real life friends tell me I sound like a 40 years old psychiatrist most of the time. I'm getting that soooo often. I might be a "child at heart", but by no means do I consider myself immature. It's painful to hear I gave that impression, but I understand. Thanks for your imput.
  15. Woah, my brain hurts...........
  16. Spiritual psychosis at its finest ayyyy this journal was the shit!!!!!!!! I think it should be titled "my maturization journey"
  17. Tier 1: Beige: - Purple: Life's ritualistic dance of intimacy. Red: Be assertive! Blue: Pure of Heart. Orange: Salvation. Green: Love thy brethren! Tier 2: Yellow: I know you better than you know yourself! Turquoise: Arationality. Love. Coral: doesn't matter, you'll get there somehow anyway.
  18. Here's something cool you guys might enjoy: Tarot Archetypes of the Major Arcana THIS ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY CORRINE KENNER POSTED UNDER TAROT Technically speaking, an archetype is a primal pattern of thought—inborn, instinctive, and imprinted on every human’s subconscious mind. Carl Jung, a psychotherapist and a colleague of Sigmund Freud, was the first person to popularize the theory of archetypes. He studied dreams, myths, and legends, and concluded that we’re all born with an innate ability to understand archetypes. In fact, he said, we’re all pre-programmed to look for archetypes in our everyday lives, because they serve as a framework for our understanding of the world. Jung’s descriptions of commonly recognized archetypes include the hero, the maiden, and the wise old man. Other archetypes include the anima, the feminine aspect of a man’s personality; the animus, the masculine aspect of a woman’s personality; the mother, which typifies a nurturing, emotional parent; the father, a physical, protective parent; the trickster, or rebel; and the shadow, the hidden, antisocial dark side of human nature. Every card in the Major Arcana embodies an archetypal figure: 0. The Fool is the happy wanderer who sees the world through the eyes of a child. Most tarot experts agree that the Fool represents each of us—naive travelers through life, off on a grand adventure, out to learn whatever experience the tarot can teach us. 1. The Magician is the skilled and cunning master of all he surveys. He represents an individual in control of life’s tools and techniques, like those on the table in front of him. Typically, they include a cup, sword, pentacle, and wand—the four symbols of the Minor Arcana. 2. The High Priestess is the enigmatic keeper of spiritual secrets. Secretive and guarded, she knows the secrets life holds—but she shares them only with the wise. 3. The Empress is the archetypal mother who nurtures and protects all of her creation, including humankind. 4. The Emperor is the authoritative protector and provider who rules the known world. A father figure, he brings order out of chaos so that civilization can prosper. 5. The Hierophant is a symbol of traditional authority and influence. He’s the head of a hierarchy, determined to maintain his religious and cultural traditions. 6. The Lovers embody the twin principles of opposition and attraction. While an appearance by this couple could encourage any hopeless romantic, the card also signifies a choice to be made between two equally strong desires. 7. The Chariot is a vehicle for forward motion and change. The young charioteer is in command of his physical and emotional drives, even when they seem to oppose each other. 8. Strength is the lovely lady with the heart of a lion. She gently holds the jaws of a powerful wild cat, patiently controlling a force that could otherwise eat her alive. 9. The Hermit is a recluse, far removed from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. He reflects on spiritual concerns, and carries the light of wisdom as a beacon for others to follow. 10. The Wheel of Fortune is the spinning wheel of destiny and fate. Because nothing is certain but change itself, the Wheel of Fortune reminds us all that what goes up must also come down. 11. Justice is both the giver and enforcer of laws. As the ultimate arbiter, she holds a two-edged sword—a reminder that fairness cuts both ways. 12. The Hanged Man sacrifices his comfort and passions for a time, knowing that better things will occur as a result. He is the visionary who sacrifices one life to be rewarded with another. 13. Death is the card of transition. Like the Grim Reaper, who clears away all that cannot survive, the card depicts the turning of a page, the completion of one chapter of life, and the exciting start of a new story. 14. Temperance is the archangel of balance. With dexterity and grace, Temperance demonstrates that moderation can serve as a bridge to wholeness. 15. The Devil is the dark and shadowy side of our existence. With tongue firmly in cheek, he demonstrates how a selfish devotion to material possessions and ill-conceived passions can tie us down and keep us from true happiness. 16. The Tower is a forceful clearing of pent-up energy that strikes like lightning. It’s a bolt from the blue, and it can shake any overbuilt structure to its foundation. 17. The Star is a shining light in the darkness. Like the goddess of the night, she’s the blithe spirit who offers hope, inspiration, and guidance. 18. The Moon is the ever-changing mirror of the sun, and a symbol of the unconscious mind. From its perch in the night sky, the moon represents secrets and mysteries that may not be understood—or even recognized. 19. The Sun is a symbol of consciousness and action. It’s the center of the universe, and the source of heat, illumination, and life on earth. 20. Judgment reveals all, heralds the dawn of a new world, and stands as a reminder of the power of forgiveness. 21. The World depicts the never-ending, spiral dance of life. It’s a card of completion and success—as well as the chance to start another round. From Tarot for Writers, by Corrine Kenner Source: https://www.llewellyn.com/journal/article/1951
  19. Sun sign - Aquarius Chinese Year sign - Fire Ox Jungian Archetype - The Innocent MBTI - ENFJ-A Personality type - Type-A Spiral dynamics - Coral
  20. @Zigzag Idiot Yes, I tend to fall in love at first sight. I'm in love with two men in my town right now. I literally see through them, figuratively speaking. I never really talked with them, but I see their soul. One is a worker in a supermarket that was very polite with me and I got the chance to look at his face, he is really adorable. And the other is a taxi driver that was very silent. Neither of them seemed to be into small talk. Very serious, intelligent men. I think it's a matter of compatibility, indeed. I don't have time for a boyfriend right now though. Too much work, but I'd gladly befriend both men, because they seem like decent human beings. Here's a song I listen to a lot and that speaks to me in a whole new level, really describes my situation and what I feel, check it out, if you want. And yes, I'm aware of the fact that the visuals are really irritating, but the song is really relaxing for me. Listen to the lyrics and enjoy.
  21. Oh? I hope it worth your time. Time's money, tick tock tick tock. jk lmao
  22. @Wisebaxter I remember when I was 12 I randomly drew a fake tattoo with ink pen on my arm, that said "maneater" hahahaha I'm laughing so hard right now. Fun times, indeed. Also Blood On The Dance Floor was my favourite band so I'm not a sexually repressed feminist, in case I gave that impression. Much respect to sexually repressed feminists though. No shame in being yourself in my opinion. So much nostalgia with this song. ^^ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xe1ZDH9j9m8 Don't worry, I know how to handle men and I love sex. I'm the loyal type of girl though and I sometimes will have casual sex with my best friend, but only him. I am not able to have sex with more men, I usually just pick one man and I work on our connection. One man is more than enough shit to handle, why would I need 10? Omg. Just kiddin haha. I don't judge people who have sex with more men simultaneously, but your approach is really... orange. I don't have other words to describe it, sorry, English isn't my native language. Your advice is good, but it's just a point of view. Not all men are like that, and I met many asexual men, and I met men that would have sacrificed their sexual life just so they could have my heart, a thing that I didn't expect from them but they somehow were expecting from themselves for whatever reason, perhaps upbringing or indoctrination or delusion. They know themselves best, and my clairsentience won't always tell me everything about someone. Most men like hard-to-get chicks, you're basically telling me to become a nasty slut just to keep a man next to me. Been there, done that, got hurt and abused emotionally. Meh. I'm not into playing hard to get, I'm into being myself. Men seem to enjoy my humor. I'm ok. By looks, I'm being told by some men that I'm 8.5 or 9, I'm also almost 6'0 and very athletic. I also spent my whole life developing myself spiritually, do you really think such person would shame itself in such ways in a highly Blue society? I'm very content with my life right now and I'm a busy person with a lot of responsibilities on my hands. I'm not ashamed of being attracted to men and I'm very authentic and honest about my feelings of both unconditional love and dirty lust alike. Just in case I gave a different impression that might have stemmed from your experience with women in general. Also please note that I'm only 21 years old, I'm not that experienced with dating yet. Right now I'm attracted to some autistic guy, but I'm not showing it because I wouldn't want to spoil our friendship this early, so I'm keeping my feelings to myself, playing it smart. I might even consider letting go of the whole idea of dating him, if it's the case. I really don't want to use him, because I don't know much about him, he is an older friend my age, from adolescence that I reconnected with recently. Plus he seems sexually repressed, he seems to have some major sexual wounds for whatever reason, maybe religious parents or something similar, or maybe it's his autism, I don't know? He seems really into me, but I will see. If I was his girlfriend (one can dream..), I would be fine without sex, I have two hands if you know what I mean. Thanks for trying to help though, I really appreciate it, truly. It really feels to me like you're just trying to help, but you made too many assumptions about me, based on your personal experiences, I think. I'm doing this all the time! No one appreciates it!! Sometimes I even write my own poems to men. To my best friend I'm pretty sure I wrote more than 20 poems so far. And I was always bombarding him with cool gifts I handcrafted myself, also tons of quality art. He lost all of the gifts, didn't take care of them. He seems to consider my good heart a weakness though and is worried for me too much. He is probably butthurt and jealous of me being cooler than him. He says I disappointed him, yet refuses to explain why. Ugh. You can only expect so much from some people, men and women alike. I love and accept him anyway, he's a decent man. Arrogant, but caring and fatherly. Haha oops. Shit happens I guess...........
  23. You do believe women are equal to men, you just overthink too much, trying to force an idea instead of allowing it. It's not your fault you're suffering, it's the upbringing, but you are ultimately responsible for the thoughts you believe in. Let go of any ideas and let growth happen. If you're interested about my views, I think every human deserves the same amount of respect, regardless of race, sex, gender, orientation, nationality and intelligence. We are equal in the eyes of God, but everyone has different gifts. Gifts come with responsibility. Sometimes even lack of talent is a gift, depending on perspective. It's all relative. Clear your mind. Visualize an idea of the kind of person you want to become and work towards that. It's all that you can do. Much love and respect to you.
  24. Sounds like worrying and ruminating. Spiritually speaking, everything is as it should be. Analyze the situation, learn what you want to do differently next time, keep the lesson in the back of your mind or visualize a better outcome, and stop thinking about what you did wrong. You're being too hard on yourself. Instead, be grateful you had the opportunity to learn about what you would like to change in yourself. It's awesome to make "mistakes"! I wrote a poem about this. It's in the self-actualization journal section, the title is "Bliss". My journal is called "Poems". You can meditate on that.