lmfao

The main question is what to do about this pit "in my stomach" ? Very tough. Memory that I've experienced this pit some weeks ago as well. "Disease is cyclic"

"I perhaps repressed or outgrew some socially blunt/unaware side. My narrative over memory is that when I was a young teen, say from the age of 11, I became aware of this fact due to the fact other people found me either funny or out there. It wasn't that I was fearless, it is what some people call 'autism' and bluntness." But that's the narrative, I don't think I ever developed out of it, just I grew more fearful and learnt some negative beliefs. Once upon a time I might have been more fearless then, I don't really know. -- Had some crazy thoughts when journalling and paper contemplation today. I contemplated the fact that other people don't exist besides as parts of my consciousness. I killed a fly which was on my leg. But then I thought, what's the difference between killing a fly and killing a human? I didn't know really. And that fucking scared me, especially in conjunction with my brain fog. I was thinking about all the fears I had. What if I did kill a human? Wouldn't that be the end of me and my future due to jail? Shunned and hated by those I love. Bear in mind, I have no actual desire to kill someone, but the arbitrariness of it scared me. I feel love and empathy believe it or not. I saw a cat walk in my garden, and I had a fantasy or thought such as "what would happen if I killed it?". I didn't do anything though, and I didn't actually have any such hatred or desires, but it crossed my mind for how arbitrary it might be. Here's one narrative for why there was that why that fantasy to kill a cat or kill a human (god forbid one of my family members who I love) crossed my mind. The reason I killed that fly, I was bored and just wanted to do something. I wanted to explore something. Sometimes when you're talking to someone, you might push them a little a bit or test them with discomfort to see what happens, see their mettle. Now that sounds unrelated to murder. But it's just a "perverted" or "unskillful" curiosity drive there. Curiosity since I was perhaps thinking death is arbitrary and that seemed super freaky. ^These thoughts and fantasies occurred in such a detached state, that it's probably difficult to communicate to someone who finds what I wrote crazy the state of mind/consciousness I was in. I think I perhaps understand killers and murderers now, because I can see the potential for it in myself. It sounds absolutely mental to say, but I think I understand it. Maybe I don't understand it, I can't pretend to understand what their state of consciousness or thought process is. I don't know one, and there's also the way they communicate themselves as well as how I interpret them even if I did know one or were to just take a peak at interviews with them. I can only know myself {insert Jesus quote about speck in your brother's eye}. BUT BUT BUT . Simultaneous to my thoughts or whatever else about other people perhaps being "unreal", I realised the same thing ofc about "me" in a way. I don't know what is me and what I can call me. What exponentiated these negative fears/images (but it didn't necessarily have strong emotive output) was my brain fog which made reality feel unreal. And I will keep fighting through the fog, it also means I have to take responsibility for my health. This fatigue and brain fog will maybe make things hard for me until I find ways to solve it. Mercury detox manual is already at my hand, I just have to read through more and apply when I get chance. Intellectually I don't judge my negative emotions, scary thoughts, extreme fog and low mood today as good or bad. It's just life. I don't regard this as some breakthrough or good sign about xyz, nor as a bad sign about X, Y or Z. Concocting stories about it isn't the way rn. I don't need to make one, although part my habits and part of me does it. The story or narrative can just be that I'm just going through stuff. I've been so fogged out today that my memory and continuity of today is weak in substance. I just have to be a warrior and keep moving forward. My health, my work and exploration of reality for fun are the things for me to focus on. Work is independent of exploration of reality, for I don't enjoy it and it's a chore. I wish to get my degree. I will do it with focus regardless, if I can. --- My brain fog was particularly shit today and mood was shit until I went for a run, then became less shit. I ate daal curry and that made me sluggish. Drank green tea to combat. Once I'm done writing this I'm going back straight to work. No excuses, pure concentration and willpower. I did other more interesting journalling on paper. I think listening to just a few Peter Ralston clips gave me a wake up calls in consciousness. However, I wrote some questions I would have for him and his approach on paper if I ever talked to him, since I apparently came across some sort of contradiction. Related to use of language around "goals" , "effective vs ineffective action" , yet he also emphasises importance of staying away from fantasy. How is a goal not a fantasy?

@asifarahim Thick Face Black Heart by Chingning Chu!

dt Of course that idea isn't it

Okay @Dodo Yes, won't start with that assumption. Thanks Dodo Bird

Don't know if this is a ranting or rave. I just started meditating small amount daily again these past several days, and I go so off the rails too easily. Thankfully I've calmed a bit down from the very extreme after I last meditated. I've calmed down a bit from whatever dread and catastrophising, grounding myself in the faith I can pierce through, and that "I can exist" ( yes , yes, laugh in my face and tell me I don't exist if you want to, fuck you) With meditation or whatever spiritual practice, one minute the frame of reference is "Oh boy, I can't wait to watch the match tonight and go out with my friends later" to "MY EXISTENCE IS ON THE LINE, IF NOTHING EXISTS THEN WHO AM I" real quick. And of course a lot of it is surges in emotion which come out as well, wherever you want to say they come from. And I was also about to say "Yes, 'spiritual work' can be so very debasing". But since all that can possibly be/is "is what you're facing", that sentence of spiritual work being debasing is meaningless, because it's beyond that. "Spiritual work is debasing"... You can have thoughts about your future but they are just that, and so any way to put it is just crap. Ugh, meditation is an awful idea, I recommend it to no one. Engage in maya again and make yourself forget the experience and "truth" you find, "That's what I've done before" that thought is off No, maybe this is catalyst for "shadow work" all though idk what or where the fuck a shadow is, because if something is unconscious I can't see it by definition so... Idk whatever. But I change my mind, "meditation is great!"

Just posting my favourite slipknot/metal songs, spiral dynamics is bullshit anyway "Before I forget" now this one actually has some interesting, almost non-dual lyrics. Psychosocial, the song speaks for itself when you listen to it. All those songs do. I would post more, but I don't want to give an overload where no one listens. So listen!

@roopepa What book would that be? I'm just doing ACIM workbook. I'm honestly unsure if it's doing anything, but that's probably because I haven't actually been committed to it and I'm engaging with it half heartedly. ACIM is in vicinity to David r hawkins to my thoughts. Things they don't cover is meditation, zen, yoga or psychedelics.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WEEEEEEEEW. I'd be screaming a bit rn if peeps weren't sleeping. Delving into questions about what exactly is truth or whatever else is,,,,, sah fuck. I feel so unbased and derailed after a simple meditation. I now feel quite angry and irritated. Even if you feel weird, don't insert explanation of thought which make you insane. But then, having no place or room for thought is maddening. I don't know what I'm chasing. Pierce through and "maintain your-self". Fuck this is weird. Am I to ever take a break from meditation? Because ...-- You're having crazy thoughts and emotions and catastraphising Okay you're not asking the following senselessly. Is something wrong with you, if every time you start a meditation practice, you end up going so off the rails? Why do I go so off the rails? It just hurts and I wince in pain. IF NOTHING EXISTS, THEN WHO AM I. WHAT AM I BUT A PHANTOM OR UNREAL SOUL TRAPPED IN LIMBO. This feels so serious man. Should I go make a cheese toasty, eat my sandwich and watch some anime? Can that drown out my awareness? Is that what I should do? No it won't drown it out. fuck fuck fuck. No, let it all out and....plunge? But maybe also rejoice, since this was the dread you were hiding the entire time? I don't fucking know, you've mad yourself forget so much. Maybe rejoice because if your existence is on the line, concerns about time and the like can be....

Same! It feels good when I wake up after mouth taping. I wouldn't know how true everything in the book is, but I'm inclined to say I can't make things worse, and nose breathing is perhaps the way to go. Especially when you consider the fact that tribes people supposedly nose breathe

I suppose none of this changes the fact that you can't ever know if other bubbles exist, even if my bubble is completely non-dual and of "my" own making. Emphasis on the "even if" part, I'm not that conscious. So that's about the extent of what I can say without finding out for myself.

I was hoping for a rap battle before I clicked this thread Yeah, having people who attack Islam for being barbaric is a good thing. The same way having some people who defend Islam under the ideals of Multiculturalism is a good thing. Ben isn't exactly one such person, but the hardcore atheists like Ayaan Hirsi Ali and Sam Harris have functions when they criticise fundamentalist Islam. They were good for me as a stepping stone, since I was raised muslim. Also, many westerners aren't educated or knowledgeable about Islam either, so it serves that function. However, that knowledge can be used to justify prejudice or racism if a person is so like that. I am so like that at times

@fopylo It's fine bro, maybe we can make meditation and success work...You become what's called a "zen devil" Jokes aside, idk either The way I see it, life is life and there's no imperative/decree to either chase success/creativity or awakening. I was having this slightly bleak thought of mine after I finished meditating. [What was/is going on was just me feeling uncomfortable with "nihilism" probs]. In this regard I wouldn't be surprised or judge you Leo if you decided to turn your back on awakening shit to pursue creativity, because it's all equal. Equal, even if I stop ascribing negative valence to that statement and make it positive.

@Leo Gura Damn son. But probs important advice for me to hear tbh. I guess you can still maintain casual practice even if you're chasing success though. Who knows

Feels like this sub-forum has become the same people trying to convince each other (cough cough)

@fopylo I'm sure some of them see it as fantasy land whereas others take inspiration. @Danioover9000 Yep! @Cubbage Eva is goated, haven't seen those others. Probs will Beserk at some point when i get time, after finishing Monster

There is absolutely no reason, no imperative that someone ought to get enlightened. Life is life. It sounds fatalistic or somewhat depressing to just say "life is life". I don't have much fun in life right now. Maybe I need a recontextualisation of the challenges in front of me. And a recontextualisation of life generally. I finished meditating and whilst I altered my state, I was feeling bleak instead. My motivations and expectations are off. I currently operate from a weak and unhappy place in regards to how I relate to people or my university work or myself. But just saying that won't... That's enough trying to write

@Vynce Perhaps, but I doubt it would be due to any skill you develop from being able to lucid dream, rather it would be because you psychologically become more open to unreality. When I was younger I would lucid dream, eventually it just stopped happening and I stopped trying as well. To lucid dream, you need to have conditions which you have no control over. That's been my experience anyway, where my experience of sleeping always randomly changes. For example, some people don't even dream much at all to begin with! They have no control over that. That said. I wrote this to someone a month ago, the last time I lucid dreamed After this dream, I stopped having the hallucinations/images of seeing through my eye-lids when I'm asleep.

Seems like everyone here has already given you the answer and ideas you were looking for. Some images around orange, "Technology", "Science", "Entrepreneurship", I see people talk about orange like it equals wealth, but people of all psychology get wealth. Maybe what you're looking for is "higher consciousness", rather than absorbing in whatever other ideologies people present. From the lens of spiral dynamics, they might say that a lot of the "people in tier 1" will just feed you more ideology. A stage orange integration exercise could be engaging in logical debate a few times. Logic is what you can get from orange memes, if that's what you feel you need to develop. But I'm sure you don't need to be anymore logical than you are since you're INTP ; ) after all. If I say you aren't INTP, does that offend your sensibilities still?

Tuesday 20/07/2021 +1 01:26 I was going to write a reflection with the thought "What is a decision or choice?" but now I don't want to. Is it that I tell myself to do things which I should do but I don't do? I could tell myself the phrase "direct consciousness" - Surrender the narrative of surrender, for example. Jumping the gun, jumping the gun..Jumping the gun. That's what the thinking becomes. There's an idea of strange loops that you go fully in one direction and the end up on the opposite side. I like the metaphor, but I wonder whether it's even true. Right now it seems like abstraction All those times ago you used to listen to someone like Krishnamurti ask or preach "Is there a methodless way to enlightenment and truth?". Meditation seems to work, and that's a method no? -You overeached with Krishna probably

Japan being so messed up must by why their art (anime) is so good. Many anime depict the opposite of mindless conformity. "H̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶c̶r̶e̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶n̶,̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶n̶ ̶c̶r̶e̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶g̶o̶o̶d̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶s̶,̶ ̶g̶o̶o̶d̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶c̶r̶e̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶w̶e̶a̶k̶ ̶m̶e̶n̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶e̶a̶k̶ ̶m̶e̶n̶ ̶c̶r̶e̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶s̶" No, it should instead go: "Hard times create good art, good art create good times, good times create bad art, and bad art create hard times"

... YOU SAID WOMEN, NOT WOMAN, WHICH MEANS IT'S PLURAL. Bruh moment

@sara373 Yeah. For me it means looking at random social fears, dishonesty, etc

Usually I meditate with eyes closed but the problem is that I get drowsy and lost in my mind sometimes. As a habit, I've always felt more relaxed in my face and eyes when I take of glasses to meditate. So I try to meditate with eyes open. Facing a wall with my eyes open without wearing glasses (glasses prescription is somewhere between -2.5 and -3, so I'm not terribly blind) My vision is blurry, and I'm unable to "still the gaze". My eyes randomly shift around and my vision will randomly fluctuate in brightness, colour and focus due to not wearing glasses. One thing being that my eyes will switch between double vision (scattered eyes) and being more normally focused. Any advice and instruction? One reason for me being "concerned" about this, beside it just being a noticeable aspect of my experience, is that I read in a book by Om Swami that keeping the gaze relatively still is an important thing. Perhaps I can still do eyes open without glasses, and I'm just making excuses, don't know. But either way I have to pay attention to my experience during practice to figure out what I should do. The problem might be that because my vision is more weird without glasses, I might "get lost in the phenomena" as it's called? --- Extra info: A while back, for 1 or 2 weeks I had a semi-regular routine of practicing candle gazing without wearing my glasses. It was definitely an interesting experience, I might try it again but this time try to actively learn what's going on in the process.

People might be using the word ego in different ways, or in ways which don't make sense. All people can colloquially use the word ego when they see someone arrogant, but that won't be the same as what a Buddhist might mean when they say "ego". You could colloquially refer to all sorts of highly realised beings as being very egoic, perhaps. In regards to your second question. Meditation perhaps won't solve certain psychological things, for some people. So what I see there is importance of self actualisation and consciousness work. Or more accurately maybe, it's holistic approach to consciousness work where spiritual practices aren't the only thing to do, and you try to overcome things in all domains of your life.