Enachescu Dragos

I m far away from englitment but I had a weird experience. So 3 weeks ago I had the following experiences. I felt like I was awerness itself an awerness is nothingness, its like a "negative space" where you experience everything in your life. Awerness it's like a invisible bubble that it's around you it's the only thing that it's constant in your life. Right now in my head it's like this. The body is a pc and awerness it's a program when you look at the pc you can't see the program running on components but the program it's there. What do you think guys? Is this an insight or just dissociation?

@Natasha That is why I added delusion at the title,right after it happend my mind was like neah this is another delusion of yours.

@i am I AM Its like this, in felt like i was the empty space between my body and the walls

@i am I AM Nothing for example now I look at my room and it feels like I m the empty space between my body and the rooms walls

(Sry for my english)So 2 years ago I found out about enlightment and I went into deppresion,it got to the point that it feels like I m losing my mind.7 months ago I had my first lsd trip and I was in "hell" for 10 hours.After the trip ended I was and still em depersonalized and derealized.The past 7 months were hell and I had ego backlash after ego backlash,no insight it was just suffering. But tonight something strange happend.I realized that I'm consciousness and awerness. Let me give an example.It feelt like I was the awerness and nothing else.It felt like all of my life I thought I was the body and the body was like a flashlight,and tonight I realized that I m the light that is produce by the flashlighte not the flashlite itself,in this context the flashlight=the body and the light=awerness/consciousness.Is this an insight?to me it feels like it is.This is literaly the first time in my life that I feel like I got an insight.

@Jamie Universe @ajasatyaThx guys the thing is all me motivation went to the trash can this week , any advice/book to read?

@Jamie UniverseI'm a little better now.This is what I'm doing right now,I try to make sense of all of this "life"its hard but that is why I had comed here to this forum, because I know here are people like me and we can help each other. Thx for advice right now I will take a break from all the enlightement work and just focus on my relationships and my life purpose.I need to reground myself in something enjoyable before I can continue. Thx for advice buddy.

The thing is the more I do this enlightenment work the more I feel it lead me to psychosis than enlightenment but as I found out actualy some forme of psycosis=enlightenment here is a great video about it. I need to find a mentor and a good one.One who can teach me in person.Life is hard af for some people and really easy for others,life is unfair this is a fact.I hope I can find the thuth in all this madness.. Thx for advice buddy you here the only one to respord I really apreciate.

(Sorry for the bad english )So let me tell you how I got to this hell. From early in my childhood I felt that I didnt belong here. My mother left me at her grandparents until I was 4.She visited me once at 2 weeks. She was into trial whit my dad for me and I started to hear some horrific stuff adout my dad and my other grandparents from her and her grandparents. My mother grandparents told me that my other grandparents wanted to cut me to peaces and throw me to the trash can and in fact they dindt even wanted me to be born.(HOW RETARDED YOU MUST BE TO TELL THIS TO A 4 YEAR OLD KID). The thing is that back then I felt that my dad grandparents were the only one who actualy gave a shit about me. My childhood was this constant battle to make sense of who loves me and stuff like that. Fast foward 2 years I m in a new home whit me mother and my stepfather and I start school. The first 4 years of school were hell I was the bullied kid even the professors were making fun of me.I had no friends .Then my stepbrother and sister apeared. And I was the "left behind" kid.All the love was going to my stepbrother and sister and I was just looking and thinking why my parent dont love me the way they love my brother and sister. Fast foward another 6 years I was 12 and I had finaly decided to ask my dad grandparents about that shit that told me back when I was 4. My grandfather almost started crying and he told me the the whole story.In a nutshell he told my that when he found out that my mother was pragnent whit me he knew that my dad and her will not he able to raise me properly and that I will be a kid whit no mother and father.And boy he was right... I understude back then what he meant and I cound see how he was right... Fast foward to when I was 16 I had my first girlfriend.It felt amazing only do go south in 1 mounth when I found out that she cheated on my whit one of my only 2 friends. At school I was doing horrible I was the dumbest kid in the class because I could not do anyting because of the deppesion. And on top on all of this when I went home I will just hear."You are a failure,you will not do anything whit your life "and all this kind of bullshit. After 1 week I had my first suicide attempt at 16.It was unsucceful thx god. Then I found out about Leo. I started to watch his videos, my life was going really well,for the first time in my life I was happy.After 2 years I purchases his course.Amazing stuff there. But then resistance started to kick in and life starded to "happen again to me." When I found out about elightement I went into deppresion again.Because I realized that all of the stuff I wanted to do were just a distraction from the truth. I really half-assined enlightenment and almost went into psichosis. 3 years into future and I am here.I discovered that I am a psichopath and I dont feel anyting for anyone.For example I know that my dad grandparents love me at the logical level but at the emotional level I dont feel anyting is just a void inside myself. The same is for my mother,father,brother etc. I m dead inside really and I feel like no one loves me ,so I decided to take LSD and to go deeper on the problem.Bad idea.... The trip was so intense that I think I have ptsd now. It showed me that my biggest fear is to die without loving anyone.It showed me that I must go and satisfy my need for sex and love because I was like. "Enlightenment is the only thing that matters fuck love and sex". The trip was like all of my loneliness and paranora and "no one loves you" were X1000. It was not all just pure hell it helped me overcome one of my biggest fears. My fear was that I will go crazy from this enlightenment work ,but the trip showed me that I will not go crazy. I had changed my life went from a victim to a newbie artist. The thing is I feel really lonely. Right now I have friends and a great carrier up ahead but the thing is that I m dead inside. I dont feel anyting and the lsd really fucked me up. I dont know what to do guys I don't wanna kill myself but the loneliness does... I feel like I'm extra in this reality. Yersteday was my birthday I made 20 years and it was the worst day of this year, I feel lost in life.I feel like no one loves me. I feel like no one undestard me, my frieds call me crazy when I tell them about enlightenment but I dont care. ( I dont understand the truth I just know about it right now) . This loneliness and the lack of emotions is killing me, for 4 years I'm doing self-help and right now I feel like I'm at ground zero again. I'm strong guys but I'm tired..

@SineThx for help man!

@Sine I really dind t have any serious relationship until now ,the problem is way deeper. I bought Leo s ultimate life purpose course 1 year ago(I did almost 70 % of the course).The book list 4 mounths ago.Then 2 mounths ago I found out about enlightenment ,and this hit me hard like very hard.My dream was to be a movie director.Right now I study Cinematography,but when I found out about enlightenment my dream went to the trash cam.It really fuked me over man.Right now I dont even now what I em because I wached all the videos leo put on about enlightenment .I read books about enlightenment and my mind misinterpreted the information I think .2 days ago I was walking and I didnt know what is real or not.Because the truth of "enlightenment" means that you see that this thing you call you is fake and it does not exist. I think I have a short circuit in my brain.This "enlightenment" stuff is hard wired in my brain right now .At it says "Nothing matters,all of this( my dream) is a distraction.And my motivation disappeared over night.I dont blame Leo, if I had not bought the course sure I was committing suicide until now.I dont know what to think guys, leo says in his videos about enlightenment that relationships are a distraction but Peter Ralston who is enlighted is married.And I stress this thing with relationships so much because tits the last thing that makes me fell alive and not to go crazy and kill miself.I really dont know what to do guys.If I went to the psychologist right now he will think that I em crazy.

Thanks for the advice,the thing is I dont know how to built intimacy .If is one thing I know about me is that I like to read books about personal development.I know that a book will not teach me how to built intimacy but I think it helps.I know, I need a lot of practice.

In a nutshell,I was bullied from first grade to tenth grade.In tenth grade I met this girl Oana. I liked her secretly from the start, we were best friends for 3 years.After 3 years she broke up whit her boyfriend .I was already doyng actualization work.So I said to myself "Dragos bite te bullet and tell her you like her".I took her to the top of a hill at the sunset, end then I told her.She was mind-fucked ,she didn't belive me in the first 5 min but after that she put her hand to my heart and she told me . Omg you arent lying(my heart I think was beating at 200 bpm).She told me to close my eyes ,she kissed me .After that 3 weeks I was in heaven.After 3 week we broke up ,she told me she had this guy in Normay and she likes him more that anything.She told me Dragos I love you ,but just as a friend. I dont want to hurt your fellings even more. Bam I was kaput and I had a history in marijuana abuse.I told to myself "Dont back slide". So I bought Leo's book list and I started readyng. 1 mounth after that I was in a bad mood and I had a fight whit my dad(not a real fight just bad words we said to each other) and I starded to use marijuana again.It was so bad almost 2 mounths every day.Now I have 10 days in rehab .The problem is I have this girl at college and I like her even more than Oana and as in the past we are fucking best friends.I Dont know what to do guys.I notice that I fall in love just whit my best friends.I dont whant history to repeat again.What shoud I do?(Because I m scared af)