Everyday

important: if you'll move to college next year, be traveling for a few months in a different climate or simply relocate -buy your clothes right now. it may seem nonsense but trust me you will stress less when you know that you will leave in one month and you don't have to spend money on clothes after you've had so many expenses already

i bought the cheapest ``organic seedling pots`` a few months ago. it was a waste o time an money. those ``pots`` where garbage and ineffective. the soil would dry up no matter what. lesson: DON'T buy cheap biodegradable pots. i planted them just to see what will happen (after all the seedings existent died) as an experiment.

I couldn't agree more!

26 juli 2018, donderdag /Thursday I rented a bike for a hour again! I even cycled around the park on those tiny streets with other bikers and people. Yay! I hesitated at first but i positive-talked myself out of it. I didn't even had the courage to do this 8/7yers ago! The therapy is going well. Monday it will be the last session. Time flew. My assigned kinetic therapist is pretty cool. We joke around all the time. From Monday onwards, ill do the exercises at home. I'll do them in other room since i tend to take too many breaks whilst doing them in my own room. I will get a broom stick lol to do some of those exercises. Also, i made a couple of purchases lately. I noticed that i want to buy even more! I know that i don't need those books&objects now but i want them! I know that i can buy them in the future but i think thwt by buying and using them now ill grow faster. Maybe i think that i am not doing enough. Hmmmm. Intersting. Hey reader! Have you experienced smth similar lately?

24 juli 2018 mint plants have natural insane roots. i am just putting them into soil to help create a new plant(ill cut the root and therefore it will be an entire new plant)

i got this insight whilst listening to a hypnosis audio last night: i`ve been struggling to do my routine for months now. why wouldn't i make it easier? i mean better x min daily than 30m once a week 5m concentration 20m meditation (ive been struggling so hard to stay focused during meditation, its so so hard, it used to be easier) 10m shamaic breathing +5m observation i gave up on starting pickup. i just have to much on my head right now. i am afraid to do it and this is an excuse i give up on learning dutch too for now, at least. revising the English grammar is more important for me right now. i had these urges lately, wanting to buy buy buy self help products or to adopt a new good habit. hmm note for college self: you can do it!

I am taking 3 days of quiting my bad habits entirely only to discover my true reality, the feelings that i deny by taking ``pain killers`` aka bad habits. also, i am gathering info on how to quit bad habits. last night i washed my teeth on time,cleaned my room , and did other chores i delayed for weeks. although i felt proud + i felt negative emotions. i don't know whats behind them yet. i watched shity videos till 3;00 on yt to banish these feelings.

`sup yesterday i went to a park and rented a bike for 1h. this may not seem important for someone else but for me was a huge achievment why? because when i was in preschool i hot a cop car with my bike by mistake and than i ran away lol. and since than it got worse. i developed a fear of hitting people&cars and especially of cycling in through traffic. this was combined with my father screaming at me to stop cycling so slow and with my anticipated fear that he will scream at me if i hit someone. therefore sometime in middle school i abandoned completely the idea of riding the bike anywhere a few weeks/days ago i thought that i can re-start cycling in NL since their traffic isn't quite as insane as here. than i was like: hmm i can rent a bike here! why would i start from the bottom in NL wen i have this opportunity right here? so 2 days ago i thought of going; than yesterday i felt so resistant to actually go that i had to force myself to do it after wasting a couple of h in front of my pc`s screen. my biking skills where WAY better than i`ve expected. i didn't fall off. obviously i had difficulty with balance and so on. anyways i started small by cycling on a street beside the park and slowly i pushed myself into the park it was a tremendous jump of my comfort zone on on top of that very pleasant i took my like 7-8 years to realize that i can rent a bike from a park and that i can slowly work my way into traffic by increasing the level of difficulty a lil bit each time.

lol i burned half by plants i poured ROSEMARY ESSENTIAL OIL directly straight out of the bottle on plant`s stems. this alone or contaminated with the fallowing day`s sun heat resulted into this. lesson: always run a small-scale test of a substance on a leaf/plant before going nuts and using it on all of your plantation. wait 48h to see if it does any damage to the plant or not. anyways, this was a lesson. 7 July/juli 2018 17 juli/July 2018

less than 50 till college 4064 days till the end of my 20s bla bla bla

last week i made an appointment to schedule my first kinetic therapy session. initially i wanted to do it on Monday but i succeeded on Thursday due to insane resistance.. 2 days ago i finally went there. yap. i finally did it. i can be proud of myself or whatever

How to start a conversation with your future roommates what I`ve learned so far: take charge. don't wait passively for someone else to start the conversation/chat group. do it thyself break the ice with some random joke ask for a minor favor ( to gain their trust or smth) don't act needy. do not message them excessively ask them about themselves don't be overly serious repeat/incorporate your ``ice-breaker joke`` into the conversation once again in order to create an INSIGHT JOKE. and you can used it laterally at college too detach from outcome: don't fear rejection because you don't have to be BFF with them. they aren't the only ones in campus almost a week ago i was asked if i want to share my email with the other students with whom i`ll share the apartment(student house). I`ll be staying with 2 girls (one fro central Europe and one from Asia). I chose this apartment/room based on my INTUITION.I waited a few hours for someone to make a move. i gathered my courage and i decided to lead the conversation : i asked for their numbers in order to make a chat group. obviously, they shared them with me and i became very anxious and agitated bc i couldn't add them on the chat group. after some more minutes i realized that i just had to put a simple + in front of them in my phone. Than i wanted to avoid a boring conversation (interview style) so i broke the ice first by saying the first thing it came to my mind: i bet one of us will break a mug or a cup withing 2 months. It worked! eventually the conversation resumed to regular topics aka interview style but with a more playful and chill overall attitude. I was insecure of my English skills and of being criticized over them. surprisingly for me is that they didn't make fun of my English skills as people in my country did. interesting that foreign non-English speakers are nicer than the people from my country. i was extensively criticized&ridiculed in high school by teachers and especially by colleagues if i wasn't pronouncing and speaking perfectly. hmmmm i felt needy and i sill do at some extent. i wanted their total approval but than i realized that if they wont like me i will simply make friends with other students .

less than 60 days till college (approximatively) 4072 days until the end of my 20s

very important: how to swear in Dutch

today i went to my family doctor to get some papers for uni. I realized that the walls are painted in pink. I asked her whether they`ve renovated it since last year and she stared at me for a few seconds and said: we had rehabilitated this place AND PAINTED THESE WALLS IN PINK 10 YEARS AGO i could swear they were other color -it was like i saw that color for the first time in my life

well, it was definitely worth it !

how to choose the perfect laptop(Apple) for thyself:

College Packing List Click on the images below: It`s irrelevant to post about t-shirts and socks so i will only refer to more essential objects instead: Crocs lol Seward Trunk College Dorm. Laundry bag / basket Scissors Flash light hangers Nail Scissors pocket knife multi-functional pocket knife + other supplies ill buy from there and i will update this list a couple of times more note: Remember, if you don't wear it at home, you're not going to wear it at school. If you're debating whether or not to bring a piece and it's not something you absolutely love, leave it at home! You can always pack up a box of "maybes" and have your parents send it to you if you decide you need its contents. https://www.theodysseyonline.com/22-new-things-at-22 also, don't bring any kind of collection with you (stems,etc)

the title is cool lol

1 juli 2018 lol zundag zondag/Sunday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily 3/5 ✔️no fap ( high urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ❌ overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ✔️reading ❌/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers hmm can I replace this with hypnosis? ✔️20/30 meditation ✔️5/10 concentration ✔️20min Shamanic breathing -quite a struggle today but i felt calmer at the end ✔️❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) ✔️ ✔️ ❌Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) Requiem of a dream is getting deeper and more real than any other book I have read. I actually feel bad for the characters who are getting more and more addicted to heroin/pills. Helped my grandpa today. Old people are disgusting they are helpless and weak and dirty. Their age stripped them from independence and growth potential. They are floating dead-carpets now. I have no idea how will I be able to stand myself being like her one day Tomorrow ill go at the doctor again 30 juni 2018 zaterdag/Saturday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily ?/5 ✔️no fap ( low urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ❌ overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ❌reading ✔️15/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ❌/30 meditation ❌/10 concentration ❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) ✔️ ❌ ❌Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck)

29 juni 2018, vrijdag/Friday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily 3/5 ✔️no fap ( high urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ❌ overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ✔️reading ✔️15/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ❌/30 meditation ❌/10 concentration ❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) ✔️✔️✔️Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) Run randomly at a subway station into a colleague from high school. lol. We made eye contact. She broke it immediately by looking down. She avoided me when I stepped out of the subway wagon but I said to her: hi or smth like that. She felt ashamed i guess and said a half-assed hi What's the big deal about this? I REALIZED THAT AS I DON’T WANT TO RUN INTO SOME HIGH SCHOOL COLLEAGUES NEITHER THEY WANT TO RUN INTO ME. This means that some of them will avoid me to so therefore less stress and worries needed lol Take short trip to a some mountain resorts (1-2 days) $20??? 28 juni 2018, donderdag/Thursday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily ?/5 ✔️no fap ( ? urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ? overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ✔️reading ?/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ❌/30 meditation ❌/10 concentration ❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) ✔️??Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) Why do i feel guilty for building my true self? Why? Why do i feel guilty for running away from poisonous people? 11.45pm I was walking after I went to the wrong hospital to see a doctor for my back pain. I felt resistant to call but I rescheduled. halfway to my destination I saw the friend I talked about earlier. He was together with some other dude -I forgot his name lol I felt a Sudden spike of negative emotions :worries, shame, what will he think of me? = omg my clothes aren't top notch neither my haircut clean and fresh. Omg no! Now he won't envy me seeing that my life is better since i ended our friendship and that this new life reflects exclusively through my outfit and grooming. lol so orange Almost instinctively i looked at him with a disgusted and frowned face. I saw than the other dude too. I kept my disgusted expression. I walked faster to avoid them going at the side of the sidewalk I felt frustrated that my short^s sleeves weren't folded neither my t^short^s. Lol for the next 20+min i just remained aware of the fluctuation of negative emotions, arising and falling but even if i met him with dirty clothes i would have still kept my REAL LIFE ACHIEVEMENTS : GOING to study Netherlands in fall, no alcohol 1 year mark, etc. These achievements are mine regardless of my clothes/presentation. And his opinion has no value for me because i have to bear the burden of my growth alone. Wow! So why would i want his approval, to be his friend if i was worse when we were actually friends? 27 juni 2018, woendsdag/Wednesday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily3 /5 ✔️no fap ( high urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ❌ overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ✔️reading ✔️10/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ❌/30 meditation ❌/10 concentration ❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) slightly before 2am ✔️❌ ❌Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) I am on Facebook again. I am sill watching tv series/movies. What sex does mean for me? Is it bout power? The English tutor didn’t responded yet. But I wandered around through familiar profiles…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cant you see? You are building your own ``profile`` WITH EVERY ACTION YOU TAKE. it seems that the people that I left behind found people that resembled me to fill their group with. Or in other words people tend to stick together based on their vibrations aka alpha or beta. In any group there it is. The legendary quest for power. Some search for beta people and some join groups as beta and some create groups as alpha. But in a group like .......`s only beta may join. And so on. You weren't so special after all>>>>>>>>>>> you were just fitting the group needs/your own needs. That`s all. I was their friends cause I accepted a role/made a role for myself. But as my greed is growing I need more, I need to become an alpha not to keep being beta to ascend on spirals upwords 26 juni 2018, dinsdag/Tuesday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily ?/5 ✔️no fap ( high urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ? overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ?reading ?/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ❌/30 meditation ❌/10 concentration ❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) ✔️ ? ?Eating healthy ✔️❌Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) The more you spend far away from technology, tv series, movies, videogames, etc the more you connect with nature and people in general Lol i am sitting in my room all day long looking at a flat BLACK screen. Lol. This screen is seducing me, showing me what i want to see 27,6,2018 Am i tacking action bc i want or bc i am afraid that my daddy will love/respect me more if i am ambitious etx? Hmmm i went to an art museum today. i had been resiting to go again since the beginning of the year main insight: start a mindfulness practice because i love when i am aware of the present moment and the beauty of nature 25 juni 2018, maandag/Monday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily ?/5 ✔️no fap ( high high mega high urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ? overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ❌reading ✔️10/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ✔️/30 meditation yes! Shortly After I woke up ✔️/10 concentration ✔️❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) ✔️✔️✔️Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) I sent the message I wrote to my senior year English tutor. She really got me started with English and therefore I made tremendous progress in no time. I felt to resistant to call her so I sent a message to her from my high school Facebook account Next radical self-challenge? LEARNING TO FUCKING DRIVE I made some fruit juice today: (spirulina, cocoa powder, ashwagandha powder, raw honey, peaches, apple leftovers, soy milk, coconut flakes) 24 juni 2018, zondag/Sunday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily 2/5 ✔️no fap (high urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ❌ overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ❌reading ❌/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ❌/30 meditation ❌/10 concentration ❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) 4am ✔️ ✔️ ❌Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) Read restaurant/food reviews on YT to practice Dutch What I don’t see at my current ego backlash? (watching movies all night/all day, going to bed at 5am and so on)? I think I refuse to do the hard thing: to not watch movies, to go to bed and to basically FORCE MYSELF TO NOT DO IT I spoke in English by instinct whilst taking with one of my siblings. I am much better than I give myself credit for lol Ok, so I am now on Facebook in order to sent that message to my high school English private classes teacher I felt disgusted of myself for being here again. I feel afraid to be persecuted/criticized. What if ……..(see OneNote) and others will see that I checked out my high school account???? Lol there are other people too in that class. Do you really think that one of them checks the other`s profile? Wow I am really still giving a fuck about high school.? Lol. For a second all these grudges seemed foolish. It`s not as important as it used to be Lol I feel now that i cannot accomplish anything. I feel bad and powerless. Some unsolved problems here boi Also, the irrelaistic unrealistic leap I expected to happen in a year is pure garbage really. No one can change 100%in one year and why rushing anyways? Lol who cares if I am better than some loser from my past? THAT`S NOT AN Achievement. Not at all Wow I don’t care whether ……..(see OneNote) failed to get a job or to prepare for a uni or not. It wont make an impact on my life anyways I don’t care either way.(maybe just curious or hypocritic) but not caring as in hating them ……..(see OneNote) and her friends seem just foolish kids like me - I love this perspective I still get self doubts by watching these pics (maybe I can use this to improve myself) Also imagine that now your are a senior/junior in college abroad. Not so cool anymore lol? Hey! When I was striving for acceptance, in hash school my life was shit, even THOUGH SOMETIMES SOME OF THEM APPROVED ME. Wow! My life was worse back than ALBEIT ALL THE APPROVAL I WAS STRIVING FOR than is now when I fear that all of them might hate me. Deeeep down I am selfish -I want my life to be AMAZiNG regardless if I get approved by high school folks or not. All I wanted was to feel good and to have things for myself. So basically I am happier now than ever. Wow That’s a hard pill to swallow. My life is better in many areas now although I am alone and far away from them than it was when I was striving to get their approval. Its unreal! I pushed myself harder than ever since I am alone. Both indoors and outdoors to say so. :I learned english, I am learning Dutch, (see OneNote)etc And my life started to improve significantly after I started to drift and avoid them what I have done in the last 2yrs and especially in the last year? I was alone a lot I thought,journaled,pondered and untangled about my problems a lot Meditation/shamanic breathing I have done things that I was not at all prepared to do aiming further that I thought I am able to achieve I had to go through intense emotional turmoil and several small and big EGO BACKLASHES I tried to remind myself that I deserve to become the character I want and to study abroad. I reminded myself how hard I worked to get here. Pushed myself over and over well, in a nutshell I have probably begun to make 1-2-3 step plans/action for my main problems, i have been taking small steps every day what to expect in the future? To more seemingly impossible obstacles, HARD WORK ,ego backlashes and achievements

lol beautiful how much did it take you to find them?

23 juni 2018, zaterdag ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily 3/5 ✔️no fap ( no urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ? overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ❌reading ✔️20/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ❌/30 meditation ❌/10 concentration ❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) ? ✔️ ✔️ ❌Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) I need a plan What I did today: ( see one note ) Put some more aluminum mulch. I finally called my grandma regarding the phone number of a doctor for back pain I felt like doing the hard thing after I pushed myself to do the first thing on the list: shopping, than aluminum foil and so on ………………….. I deserve today to go to sleep later and to watch a movie. lol What I`ll do tomorrow: (note for my future-self : see onenote journal) Arugula; i transplanted it even if it had less than 4 leaves because the tray developed fungus nags and other small-ass flies. all of them at their baby roots and fucked with their leaves. The sage died too because the roots where eaten like 70%. but i learned a few tricks and i felt annoyed and regret that i didn't find this video sooner. i will present my results with vinegar traps and petroleum jelly yellow cards in a few days + i learned what`s my language equivalent of the words petroleum jelly lol lol i had no idea that plants can overheat due to the foil layer the whole is to large this layer is to small and it will protect shit later on. and it will be harder to put another layer after they mature( i had an incident with those morning glories so i know) 22 juni 2018, vrijdag/Friday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily 3/5 ✔️no fap ( medium urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ❌ overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ❌reading ❌/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ❌/30 meditation ❌/10 concentration ?go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) ✔️ ❌ ❌Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) I am spending to much on this forum reading random threads and saving them or screenshots but I remain with nothing in return . It`s just mental masturbation I want to be liked by fellow users of this forum, I want their approval. And I know from personal experience that by being a people pleaser I will destroy myself bit by bit. I am not that into spirituality yet and that`s fine. All I want to get by doing those ``spiritual practices`` is to be happy, to be more into the present moment, to be confident and to heal myself from limiting believes and trauma This on line journal is restricting my honesty and power to heal myself I feel resistant to access the pimselur(link) course although I finally bought it 2 days ago. I am trapped again to watch tv series and waste time around. I don’t like it. Yesterday and the day before yesterday I felt deep contempt of my self-imposed situation I need a plan- I want to do so many things that I got stuck. I am chasing after to many things 4049 days till end of college Less than 70? days till college(because i will start college at the end of august, there where 165 days because i thought ill study in my country bc i was not good enough) beer trap see? it rotted a bit because i poured to much water after transferring it from the pot 21 juni 2018, dinsdag donderdag/Thursday ✔️pushing my comfort zone daily 3/5 ✔️no fap ( high urges) ✔️spending time outside ✔️daily journaling ❌ overeat (my goal is to not overeat so✔️ means that i didn't overeat but if i did that mean that i overate so❌) ❌reading ✔️21/10+ seconds cold shower after worm shower ❌ /30m mind powers ❌/30 meditation ❌/10 concentration ❌go to sleep at a decent time (goal- 23.00\00.00) ✔️ ❌❌ Eating healthy ✔️Anki (fluent forever Dutch pronunciation deck + personal deck) I put 4 more plants into the ground (pics) I haven't been working on the challenge i`ve committed to LATELY at all. Why am I getting so angry and resistant about gardening ? Why? leaf miners; buy neem oil https://www.planetnatural.com/pest-problem-solver/houseplant-pests/leafminer-control/ leggy seedings. The cure? Put them closer to a light source. project: DIY tomato trellis https://morningchores.com/tomato-trellis-cage/