Everyday

The company from NL who which is most likely to offer me a paid internship but no job is paying 250 not 500 euros as i expected. when i heard this i was triggered at the moment. they might offer me even less if i dont have to commute. I cant live with 250 euros and the money from a part time job combined ever! Yesterday i was supposed to visit the company i talked about. I got off at the wrong stop because i was only looking on GPS and not outside as well. I wanted to go by bus to make it on time. i had no cash and i couldn't pay with my card. the only ATM available was 28 min away. i accepted my mistake and messaged them and the guy i had main contact said he is stuck in traffic anyways. afterwards i visited the city. it was nice. i couldn't believe that i made such a funny mistake and in what situation i put myself by pushing myself to find work in this field. i repeated to myself that challenges make me stringer even if i will end up back in my country. my mother sends me every day facts about the universities in those two cities and possible choices i can make all but not staying here. my father and brother strongly disagree to work here just to make ends meets in the name of gaining knowledge and learning. they say i will be a slave for that company and i wont make MONEY! i sent two emails to big companies even if i don't actually want to learn from them. but barely any people even responded to my emails. my first emails were lame but last ones better. i talked about myself, my experience with growing that crop, my aims, etc. i keep loosing faith in this idea that i can find work here in this chosen market of mine. if i go home i have my own garden i can experiment in and less expenses. i would invest all the money i will have from my part time job in my projects. This makes me feel excited but i dont know if is because sounds like a break from the stress i feel know or i actually want it. I made a list of reasons for deciding between the two cities i want to study back home. one of them is the capital, were i was born and raised and the other is basically a town. i would like to go to that student town but this would mean rent money and so on. but in this town i will have a blank slate. no aquintances from school or relatives. more freedom and intimacy. but less activities, supposedly better studies, meetup groups and less people. in my big city i would have lots of people, meetup groups, the opportunity to get a driving license, the techno music scene is better and my very own garden. but less privacy, more chores living with my family, arguing, and seeing people i know and want to avoid. my more people i mean more girls and and opportunity to have an endless supply without seeing them ever again and feeling shame. pickup is what i wanted and need to start for years now. plus i want a driving license to show myself i can do it and also the job I want at that company may require driving skills. After i cancelled the meeting at that company and visited the city i was feeling very anxious, sad, that there is no good future for me and basically all these are triggers for me to deny reality. i almost got hit by a cyclist and a bus and it started raining for a short period. and i was like seriously? and i was making myself to think this is funny in a way all this situation. i didn't like feeling so bad but i said to myself i am becoming a better version of myself. I was in the train back after and i was thinking of overeating and watching some movies or youtube to block myself from feeling down and hopeless. instead i forced myself to visualize fixing this. then writing how i will fix my problems instead of denying them. like: i will send more emails, i will wait for all my emails i sent to be answered, i have a plan b (going home), them ore mistakes i make the more i become a capable adult, that pushing myself in these hard situations will make be more experienced, that i will check the station stops next time and so on. i still felt these emotions and worries but it was better. Three days ago I made a Tinder profile just to show myself i can do it and no body o know will find me on this app since i am not in NL right now. I swiped right without looking too much. I got one pic of me with the uni i failed. I got more then five matches in two days but i dont have it payed so i cant message all. only two i could and they didnt respond. I felt amazing. i dont expect at anything. i indeed showed myself that i dont have to be ultra-prepared to date. or i can stay 2 years in one city and 2 in the other. i thought about moving in a meditation kind of commune. i know is possible until i start school.

Thank you very much this really helps!

Hey last few days i emailed many companies from EU. two said they aren't hiring. tomorrow i will visit a company. i will ask after the company tour for a paid internship/ job. this company is amazing. both good salesman and growers. i got a possible answer from a company in NL. they offer a paid internship but it isn't good paid that i can live only from it. told my family and they got really angry and worried for me. as alternatives i thought of going to my city or another one back home. using summers to do internships abroad. my best friend i made here offered to borrow me money until i find a place and a job to stay if i need. he is the best friend i ever got. he listened to me dealing with this issue currently. i high school and earlier i never had such a good friend. finished the book on breaking bad habits finally. i only read a few pages in 2017 from it. a little ti more in 2018 and this fucking month i finished it. useful knowledge. i am reading it all over again. i got some major insights in my behaviour patters.

i spoke with my father and he suggested to come back bc i need a degree and than i can return here. he said i will never have a high paying job without a degree and stuff like this. he supports me if i come back and i appreciate this. my mother and sister came up with the idea to email companies in other european countries as well- i think this is smart. i didnt tell me father my passion and that i applied to that certain niche companies. to be honest i am ashamed he will make fun of me if i dont get accepted.

my mind is still running scenarios good and bad. i havent talked with my father yet. i sent a few emails to some companies and i hope the best.

the results for my last re exams came today. i failed one of them and the other barely passed. this means i cant continue at the current uni next year. i have been expecting this for some time, even before taking the exams. it was a year of tremendous growth. i was living alone for first time in my life, improved my english, was exposed to new cultures, made true friends for the first time in my life, and the most important thing is that i learned what things i am the most interested about in the field of agriculture. i doubt the need of a college degree in my filed of interest ( agriculture) but i am afraid to do it without it. to be honest i want to delay entering the job market. my mind and soul is torn between short term peace of mind by going back home and getting a degree there and the long term good decision of staying here without a degree and trying to get a job at one of the things i am sure i am interested about. basically i would go back home to get a degree i dont need and come back here and do the same thing but with a degree. i cant even specialise in that thing in my country. deep down i know i should at least try to get a job here than to wait 4 years to come back. tomorrow i will call the main small company i want to work for. i want to build my expertise by learning more about my passion, practicing it and using this as a supplement for not having a degree. following your dreams is indeed hard.

to be honest i do nor remember my affirmation fro ma year ago. but i can tell you for sure that the last 6 months i used mostly the same ones: I am courageous, I am spontaneous, I am patient, I am smart, I am relaxed about needing to change. and i have pushed myself further than i expected. is like a small aid i forgot i had. try it for yourself

nice man

i just finished correcting a report i failed first time. i saw how many mistakes i have made and all were easy to correct. i just panicked and just wrote shit to submit and finish. today i had a bunch of daydreams about eating crap food and stuff liek this. all triggered by this report. i didnt give in. i got to a point i just felt good after my previously self imposed limit. Just remebered somone told me last autmun they went to a Mooji retreat in Portugal and looked at me like i am supposed to know him. At the time i only knew this name was mentioned on the forum before. I read the article mentioned by somone the other day on the forum. I had no idea that he is really fucked up as thsi article says. If i knew this at the time the woman told me i would have told her or looked suspicious to her: https://gurumag.com/becoming-god-inside-moojis-portugal-cult/

i had new insights of my bad behaviours from that book. i am unsatisfied and frustrated with my current skills with women so i compensate subconsciously by watching movies, porn and masturbation. so one of the reasons i watch so many movies late at night is to put myself in the shoes of the guys with girlfriends and all those romantic moments. this way i fool myself that everything is fine in the real world. therefore there is some denial as well in this mix. fascinating. i use food to deny reality and to not face bad feelings such as stress. i distract myself with the fake happiness from food from the reality and harsh feelings i experience. also, i was thinking how nice it would be to get drunk, smoke some weed and eating junk food in order to make days pass faster and skip what i feel now. i want to use those stuff to make time go faster, to wake up in the future where for sure i am perfect. but the funny thing is that when i am very drunk or high or both have one thought: that i want to be back on the path, that i want to be sober right now and how am i wasting my life. just to change my opinion sober. i need to be strong and brave enough to face these emotions and thoughts like i used to do. maybe there is no path. the path is each day and time i chose to follow my long-term goals. all this time i thought about the path as when i am on it for 6 months already thus making it more difficult to stop bad habits. the feeling of boredom is a signal that the activity i am doing at the moment is not going to help me achieve my needs. but is weird because i can use youtube videos and movies to distract myself from feeling boredom even if deep down i am bored indeed.

How was it?

in the last 9 months i have indulged to much in fast food, fitting in, dabbling, masturbation, porn, being lazy, drugs and comfort. now i see myself wanting to change overnight but is seems impossible. i dont want to do it step by step but want to change overnight. each time i get high i only think that i want to be back on the path, to eat healthy and meditate and read books. now that this year is almost over i see that not much have changed. although i truly thought i am on smth big. i am going somehow. is like leo said: this is not true happiness and leads nowhere.

oof is so difficult to communicate with my parents. i become annoyed each time i do. is like we don't speak the same language. i started the bad habits book. i got bored after a few pages. but i did not want to watch a movie bc it would be too boring to watch one. than after my call with parents do want to watch one. i feel very stressed of my college situation. i am unsure of my future plan. i daydream about a possible path than it changes completely next day like it never existed. i want to jump to another goal right now. to dabble than to end up again in 7 months with no real achievements.

now that i think about it bad habits have been damaging my life for the last months havily. i dont study becasue of my bad habits. and bad learnign habits and methods. i think i will spent the fallowing months just dealign with bad habits. i will start by readign a book i start but abandoned about bad habits. than i will focus on tackeling each bad habit. i guess i will read a book about dealing with emotions since i have a lot of resistance. what are my bad habits? failing to deal with stress and resistance - i eat unhealthy food and watch tv series and movies to deal with it currently

nice to know that i am not the only one who used to do more personal devlopment than i do now. maybe is part of the journey.

i hid a post from my other journal but the whole jurnal disapeared. i cant bring it back for some reason. maybe i will continue here. is a good thing to see my progress. i am not the person i was when i started this journal. maybe there is no need to hide and separate parts of my journey and self. my goals for summer are to learn how to learn since i struggle with procrastination and ineffective studying methods. also, i want to learn how to break bad habits. this is really putting me behind the growth curve really bad. of course, i wanted more and more goals but these two are very important. also i will volunteer at a farm the whole summer. is a really good ay to learn.

@RunningBD thanks

regrets from last year? i wish i focused on a few ESSENTIAL habits rather than jumping from book to book and practice to practice. oof all that mattered was to study for my college entry exams. i should have leared to deal with procrastination and not good ways to study. if i could do it all over again i would have done more with my free time. a sport. swimming! and joined a meditationg group and estatic dance group in my city. all i did was to stress too much for nt studyign due to lazyness and resitance.

I just started learning Dutch. i am currently using Anki and fluent forever pronunciation flashcards. Why do i want to learn it in the first place? Because i want to understand the Dutch culture and people at a deeper level,for uni and also professionally later on.

the ``spicy mint`` above i have kept over the winter. it was so small. it`s a cutting from a mint i had for 2-3 years. t was unproductive anyways. not like the new one. that`s what happens when you don't ``train`` those veins. like i did last summer you have to constantly re-arrange them in the way you want to grow. yay! more flowers mint&parsley from the tray bell pepper plant. i have it for over a year now. in the winter it made some small bell peppers. one of them look literally like a small yellowish butt lol lol i put fertilizers bars in the arugula pots. the one below seems dead now. well, that`s how you learn fertilizer bar https://raminnazer.com/collections/prints/products/youth https://raminnazer.com/#art

fried vegetables&chicken (half of a batch of cauliflower, 1 broccoli, a quarter of zucchini, 2 carrots, 1 parsnip,1 bell pepper + flax&hemp seeds at the end; because in the pan the seeds are wasted and burned on the bottom of the pan as Ive observed so far) she taught me also to make a chicken soup with extra vegetables *suggestion: use dried mushrooms in any of he recipes above lentils recipe: https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-lentils-on-the-stove-116321 fried vegetables: broccoli,mix of mushrooms, steamed beetroot,pink salt ,zucchini,bell paper, sunflower+olive oils and some seeds at the end sesame,hemp,flax Quinoa with parsley and curry + fried vegetables: 1 bell pepper, 1 big-ass tomato, shimeji and Enoki Mushrooms. this was the first time i tried these mushrooms. i was resistant at first. but its tasteful and pushing out of my comfort zone payed off. rice&chicken&vegetables that`s almost everything i wanted to learn to cook before leaving. i wanted to learn to cook couscous too but the recipes above are a good start anyways. yesterday i crossed all these recipes off my to-do list from Habitica. finally. i wont starve at college - i have no idea why people keep saying that at college you will eat only bread,potatoes and ramen soup. the grains above are ridiculously cheap! and you can buy frozen veggies to cook even cheaper!

20 8 2018, dinsdag/tuesday i feel a plethora of neg feelings i feel worried, self doubt , stressed and excited. my home baggage its done . i think ill be the only one who actually took the time to over-prepare for college by reading posts,watching videos etc. i trimmed a part of my beard very short by mistake and bc i wasn't thinking actively about the action of doing it . than was like: hmm i better shave it. than i felt comically insecure and worried that i wont be as attractive for the opposite sex till my beard grows back. lol. like i would actually do smth .... ha-ha-ha yesterday i thought about what my sophomore year elf would think of my current ``problems``. it was interesting. i realized that the only things that will matter after one year is to: maintain self-actualization habits, develop study habits,socializing,joining meditation group, improving English ,cooking for myself, etc. but i to return to that inexplicable calm attitude i got before the final exams in high school. i just accept the challenge itself and just detach from it. now, i am excited , although worried from time to time. i feel excited that ill have to cook for myself, to do the laundry and taking walks in parks alone that`s a really good article on freshmen advice :https://www.savethestudent.org/extra-guides/freshers/30-mistakes-every-first-year-will-make.html. it`s interesting how all the college advice i gathered so far boils down to a few things: join a club/start hobby exercise,eat well,sleep well socializing, introducing yourself to people studying , study programme organizational skills financial skills go to professor`s office hours volunteer/internship/part-time job go to class, do homework early get out of your room. don't be a Godzilla in its cave writing these posts takes time and i want to do them right. plus for some reason thinking that i have to write them stresses me even more. ill take a short break starting from Thursday 23th. i will start a new thread and report my experiences in 2-3 weeks(or sooner). i am excited to start my COLLEGE JOURNAL. i have been waiting this for months .