Everyday

Update: In car with my brother and we got in a 10 second tense situation. I felt again frustrated, rage and afraid to stand up for myself. I haven't felt this for a few weeks. these are really strong feelings. really put me down, even more now that i am not ignoring them. i let this situation to just be and than i made a plan how to deal with it: keep learning self-defence and push yourself into arguments with people. i had some arguments last week and i acted 0001% better doing it from my point of view. to be honest being aggressive in an argument is how my father and brother do it. and this is a subconscious model to assess myself after an argument. that's the way i think i should act. and to be honest by this way, standing up for myself makes me feel that i am respecting myself. I have done the sedona method and others, thinking that the other person act like this because his own problems and i should just do nothing and just let them insult me and release all my negative emotions. now, i strongly disagree with this method. it just makes your self esteem crumble and hurts you deep down really bad. i can say that i do feel calmer and more confident in dealing with other people since i started learning krav. but i didn't expect all these supressed emotions to come to light. this was a surprise. So i have done 2 months of krav maga, more or less at this point. i can say that it made me very humble. i came in thinking that i am very good at fighting because i was born with these skills. and this soft self-image was torn apart big time each lesson. i wanted to quit when i realised that i suck really bad. really bad. first lesson i thought that the way i can throw a punch like a pro - this belief was destroyed by the end of the lesson; i didn't knew how to punch. funny. There is one move I cant do it right yet. Not even after 2 months. Next week college starts. I am both excited and sad. Somehow I am really excited that now I am studying in a big and crowded university. On the other hand, I want to keep my current routine: is simple and effective. I don’t want to stress about exams again. I fear the exams these times. I am doubting myself that I can get a degree. There are so many things I rather do than study for college but that's wrong long term. Right now I am at my best growth level I have ever been because I was only aiming to gain experience and growth; but I am insecure that I am starting college 2 years later than other people. I am ashamed to say that I failed college to my new colleagues. But in the same time I am proud of who am I. I am afraid that I will be bullied (a bit) by my colleagues and I will start hanging out with those people just to avoid being bullied. I will make them laugh and make a clown of myself. I have done this in high school and in NL. But at the time I didn’t realise it. Now I want to stay with the people I truly enjoy- and this I accomplished pretty well in NL. Leo said not to place too much energy on your being cool and having lots of friends. And only now i understand. So much time wasted with many people i didn't like and now i am only speaking with 1 person constantly from college. It makes me sad. But is a hard lesson to learn. I want to not get involved with school drama and community like I did abroad. I want to be focused on my life off-campus, and not be so concentred with my social status. But is so tempting. I see studying in my city uni at a second high school and a way to show my old self I can improve. I am happy I am in my home city once again. I see it as a second chance to improve myself by taking advantage of what the city has to offer. The internship is not going as well as i want. I want to put more into it. More energy and my full attention. i feel pressured to start my own business to feel successful as a young person. But I feel resistant and I tend to be sloppy lately. I keep pushing my duties for days at a time. Working for my family for the last two months made me more resentful with people. There are so many people who are very rude and assholes. Dealing with them made me be more cautious and frustrated. Some people will try to take advantage of you even if you were nice with them. Some will be nice people but in the same time assholes. I have learned so much. I observed that I am accepting society and culture for what it is, not what I think it should be like. I have noticed it in other areas. For example I am not trying to challenge my parents about their religion. I am accepting that they believe and fallow the church and that's ok. I don’t have to preach my point of view. And I am kinder with ''unconscious'' people. If someone wants to watch tv, gamble, smoke, drink, show off, and so on I am able to understand them and to let them be. Though I still have my judgements. Going through last maybe two years of various backlashes made me a kinder person. Now I understand that people who are addicted to a lot of stuff like drugs, gambling, social media, tv, food are feeling happy. They have a great time. The quality of happiness can be doubted but you get my point. I think I forgot how I felt before starting this work. I am not in the best spot myself right now. I am still struggling. I am fapping, no cold showers, watching tv series to fall asleep, I have started to play some sort of video games at family work- i feel addicted and stimulated to play them, i haven't done any step to get into pick-up since i got back- is a huge obstacle for me i cant seem to tackle for years, use Instagram and Facebook daily, porn, I am not meditating, my eating habits are pretty unhealthy now, I am going late to sleep each night, I got a taste for drinking and smoking weed, I am looking forward to any occasion I have to try some mind altering drugs- once I'm drunk or high I want to take anything to feel smth stronger, tried ketamine twice and I want to do it again, i am craving junk food, i take every opportunity i have to eat unhealthy, i have delayed starting delivering food on my bike for weeks already, I am not my highest self. In a way I got sloppy with some practices but stronger with others. I see my golden period of personal development as being two years ago. But back then i was overlooking some aspects i am now working on and vice versa. I feel stuck in some areas right now.

Just finished writing a list about all the good things that came out from the last 2 years of my life and i feel better now. And then i see this inspiring message. And indeed life is good despite all the turbulence. I have grown a lot which is the sole reason i left. Goal accomplished. Really nice to read this. Thank you so much.

Update: Used the kimono twice. I feel more deserving and confident wearing it. But i had to actually buy and wear it whilst feeling doubts. Is still very humbling to go to the dojo. I am still accepting the reality that i am learning self defence and currently suck at it. All these years i thought i ''already know whatever they have to teach me'' just go there and realise i know nothing. I protected my ego from reality. In which areas am i fooling myself? I meditated 3 times of 5 m each last week in bed laying down. I have increased my food intake since i got home. So easy to eat when i have so much food around. I eat many things which aren't healthy. I even forgot about the 10 min concentration practice i used to do before meditation. LOL. More buried arguments from the past cam to my awareness as i am learning to fight and deal with people at work. Still unpleasant when they arise but i am healing. I expected i would feel confident 100% if i learn how to fight asap. It makes me sad that all these years of avoiding conflict and feeling frustrated could have been changed if i had the right information. What would i do differently? First thing after being beaten in middle school I would have started learning to fight and set boundaries. That's it. frustration and denial made my life a hell many years after these events occurred. I couldn't let it go. Still cant, But i have to say i feel calmer and more ok with what happened. Because i am changing now and building the skills to deal with conflicts and fights in the future. There are so many things that seem genuinely urgent. Is so hard to make the difference with my goals. I am afraid i will run out of time if i dont do everything now. I am not satisfied with my life deep down. I have problems falling asleep. I cant bear being alone at night with my thoughts. I want to do ashtanga yoga now as well. And read more books and so on. Just to do it at a mediocrity level and feel stressed and guilty afterwards. I realised that when i was in NL i felt alone deep deep down. My junk food cravings, together with drinking and smoking weed were helping me cope with my loneliness and other things i missed i am not yet aware. Sometimes i had to listen to music all day just to get through the day. But i was too proud that I would even miss my family and crowded city. I wish i was nicer with my family when i was gone, they deserve it. they are good people.

I feel consumed by regreat now. I am holding up crying. I am thinking back about all the mistakes i have done in NL. I think about all things which arent going as i want in my life right now.

I will take my kimono finally. To be honest i dont see myself in one or getting to own different belts. I dont think i am good enough. I want to quit and return confident in a few years. But I read that confidence comes after not before; I will grow confident wearing it. College starts soon. I cant say i am happy about this. I really like my schedule now, with the internship, krav maga, family business and other chores. I dont want to be sucked up back in caring too much of my social status and try hard to fit in. I want to my schedule intact for a few months more. I am really happy i spend my summer here and I will be around for 4 years. I love living in a big city. I hated living in a town abroad. And i realised recently that i was sad and lonely in NL. But I didn't want to admit this to myself. It took courage to admit it. That's the reason I was craving drugs, fast food, sweets, porn, fap, excitement and self-punishment. I was really happy that I failed so I can go back home. I feel here are things I didn't resolve here. Since i got back i felt these craving at a quarter at how strong they were there. Now i feel like getting drunk once a month but there it was every week. Interesting. I was talking shit about my family and country when i was in NL, but i was ignorant back then. I feel bad for being such an ass with my family. My country is still shit but here are some good people (e.g. internship boss and his friends) and some cool events and opportunities. I spent lots of time speaking shit about my nation and country- all that energy would have been spent in better places.

Interesting reads: https://www.kravmaga.com/belts-in-krav-maga-what-each-signifies/ https://www.salsamacho.com/the-krav-maga-belt-system-explained/

update: going to zazen next week. saw a fight on the street between some guys. very interesting. saw how they had no structure in fighting and how one of the guys could have escaped from a chock hold by hitting the guy with his elbows. also observed that the friends of the fighting guys were just looking at them. interesting. beside that i would have written about other recurring thoughts and feelings i wrote about already.

Got drunk the other day and made a stupid post about it. It was a long day. Update: Got in more arguments and conflicts at family business. A client stole some cheap stuff a few weeks ago and we saw it on camera. Weeks later he came back. My brother and father did absolutely nothing even if I told them that the guy is there as I speak with them. They just said yeah that's life and people are evil. And they two are the ones who are always hostile and talk shit about other people. This made me see them in a new light. That they talk more than they act. Anyways, I was really anxious to confront that guy and hesitated. But I did in the end. He denied but I persisted. He said I should be careful of accusing him of stealing and other justification on how I am imagining what happened. He brought the stolen stuff back a few hours later. The product was taken care of and washed before he gave it to us. Definitely he was lying. I was surprised how he was denying it so strongly even if he was guilty. Me confronting him wasn’t about the product stolen which was in bad shape anyways. It was about honing my confrontation skills. I realized that my expectations of how confronting someone in real life is exaggerated. I observed that every time i want to stand up for myself i feel resistance and fear of punishment. By this i mean to be physically or verbally put down for daring to stand up for myself. It feels so strong. Understood even more at self defence classes how much I have to work to get serious results. I will use this to build self confidence. Every time I am pushing myself too much at training I think how everyone there is dumb and I will return one day with motivation and work ethic out of a sudden and be amazing. I know so well it will never happen and I am just trying to trick myself. For a few weeks now I had all the confrontation and arguments I have ever lived though coming back in my mind. But with all the emotions suppressed. Now those memories calmed down. This summer and year altogether i can say i worked really hard on some stuff to change myself and neglected other areas. There are still areas i have to change asap but i can say i am glad with the growth i had so far.

Update: I kept contemplating the quote from below. I realise day after day how much is was an impediment for me over the years and still is. I still look down on any start-up, other people's success, profession, knowledge, success, smart people and so on and almost unconsciously i think i am above them. This is a measure of protecting myself from feeling small, weak and sad. I see more and more in how many areas of my life i chose to take no action because ''i am too smart and to good already''. Yet there is no value in wasting time, no growth.

Hey. Things are going well. At self-defense lessons it was interesting. Before coming there I thought I am very good at fighting naturally, a way of my ego to protect itself from feeling weak. Each time I try to be realistic and to accept that I am learning more each time and arrogance wont result in growth. Also, I realised how arrogant I am. I think i am better than everyone else just because i am myself; getting into personal development made it worse. All this arrogance and superiority come from a place of inertia and comfort. Especially when i was in high school and earlier. I would look on 9GAG at ''travel the world and society is in a rat race'' posts, roll my eyes and think how smart am I for agreeing with those pics. But i am just a beginner as i was back then. If i am arrogant i don't grow. Is simple. At internship i feel the same. First day i thought what a smart ass I am, better than my bosses and everyone else there. And as it happened with self-defense i am slowly realising i know nothing. I am there to learn and being arrogant is dumb and unproductive.

From Saturday with the right mood i wrote this: Learning self-defense and getting used to manage conflict brings a lot of painful memories, feelings and my mind is running crazy with conflict and fight scenarios out of the blue. There are many emotions and trauma i just forced myself to forget about. I suppressed trauma and now it all comes up. Now is all coming back and is overwhelming. Everyday life and routine triggers me to re-live all the events that damaged my self-confidence. Is happening so fast and strong. I guess i am on the right way. I realised what i should have done after those events happened and how it fucked me up because i didn't. Next week krav maga again. Today's Update: I keep feeling unease and imagine conflicts and fights. I am more aware of these passing feelings and thoughts. At work I noticed that most people are behaving decent, some are very nice and a few assholes. Each day i encounter these people. I like talking with the nice people and have no problem with the decent ones. The assholes are an opportunity and a gift to grow each day. Like today an asshole started being rude and telling me how we should run our business and other crap. I talked back to him for a few minutes then ignored him. I decided i pushed myself enough and left him talk shit without paying attention afterwards. I cant recall last time i stood up for myself but today i felt good. It was a stepping stone. I am still implementing letting myself fail again and again in order to learn. I practice letting go of mistakes and moving on. It works even if sometimes i get emotional thinking of them. I keep going late to sleep and other destructive habits. I didn't meditate in a long time.

Leave him. You can invest your time better than in a dude who flips and screams like a kid.

today was tough. i procrastinated on the project i was supposed to do at work (internship) today. i felt drained and lost all hope. at work (family) afterwards i just wanted to fell asleep and put a pause. anyways, work got my mind off things and now i feel better.

Work for my family is going well. plenty of opportunities to deal with conflict. I am making small steps daily. I feel very tired. But I am making progress. The work I do as an intern is challenging but I learn new things. I just noticed how much bullshit I was doing when I had time. Time all day. So much time spent thinking and wasting mental energy. Revising mistakes and what ifs. Now I know what I really want and need to do and I do it.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you very much!

@Ibn Sina thanks for sharing.

Hey guys! I started my internship this Monday at the start-up company I told you about. I do and learn how to do marketing, beside learning more about the crop they grow. I like this urban approach to farming. I don’t see myself growing plants at a farm in the middlefuck somewhere. I felt self doubt: there are people who speak English better then me, know more about marketing and so on yet, I am the only one who asked them for an internship in all the people living in this city! But my insecurities diminish as I get better. I met amazing people and all are interested in spirituality and self development at some degree. They all told me how smart I am for doing this work at such a young age. One of my favourite moments was when my boss watched some videos on YT and read articles about how to do a certain part of the project. It was so eye-opening to see that I don’t need to know everything nor entrepreneurs do. They learn and that's ok. I feel good and proud of myself. Hope you all are having a good time too.

at krav maga it was good. so I went to three schools so far. the first and the thrid were very good, and the second was ok. the last two do not focus on the basics as much as the first. I do not like this. Thus, I will go to the first started for a while and then change to the second with more practice in pairs. my coordonation is better, first time and second my brian would block and confuse right with left and so on. i felt ashamed but kept pushing myself. At first I didn't want to go because I didn't think I was sick, no matter how long and practical I compare to the guy who beat me in middle school. but here i have 3 krav maga lessons later and i see progress. I will try martial arts systems next week for curiosity and then I will go to the first school every week. in addition to this, I try to embody this concept: is ok to fail the first few times, but each tiem you get 10% better. the biggest mistake is to quit first time.

I got accepted at uni in my home city starting this autumn and i'll be studying the same major as before. I got accepted some time ago but didnt discuss this here because i dont want to worry and overthink like i did last summer before college. I want to focus on the present moment. That's pretty good that you've accepted this. I know is though especially when the indulging is too frequent.

@RendHeaven Definitely. I am doing now stuff i wanted to do for years ( e.g. Krav maga) yet, I'm struggling with this backlash. On one hand, I'm growing exponentially during the day but indulging at night. How are you planning to deal with this backlash? Wish you good luck with your journey.

Another krav maga school tonight. Don't know what to expect. Didn't read again how to break bad habits. I just excused myself from it. I feel tired and drained because of the work i do for my family. I don't like it at all. Our employees have no passion nor work ethic. The more i spend here the more i want to work with passionate people. Working here is very challenging personally though. I have to deal with all kinds of people. My ego gets triggered like a slot machine from the way a customer or employee treats me. Very interesting. For now i try to make thr best out of it. Next week I'll start my internship hopefully and then I'll work less here. It will be a strange balance from work I do for passion and work i do for money alone. I can say that since I'm working at my family's business i have become more relaxed with difficult people, conflict and stress. Is a slight change but i feel it. Being here means i have so much time to read books. So that's good. I cringe about what I've written here a year ago. That means I've grown.

Zondag, 28 juli 2019 I had problems falling asleep lately. I listen to music, internet and masturbate until I fall asleep. Eating bad is less pronounced although I did eat sweets. My father started drinking more and this disgusts me. He drinks beer like water and then behaves like a jerk with us. I want to drink as well to feel better and fall asleep faster. I almost finished junky by William Burroughs. It amazing. I only listened when I was drunk, overstimulated after food and masturbation and very tired. I felt all the emotions, struggles, images, problems, and all he described in his book about addiction. Found a start-up company in my city where I can do an internship right now. They are very sustainable and the people surrounding them are very green. I will work for them in production and marketing in a week or so. I am not sure if they can offer me what I want to learn but will see. I am pleased with them so far. They cant afford to pay me and my father made fun of me and said I am dumb for working for free. He wants to make money just to have money. It made me a little insecure but I am not going to take advice from a guy who watches tv at least 3-4 hours daily and drinks alcohol like water. I went to another krav maga school. I realized how I use a false superiority complex over anyone else so I wont hurt my ego. This school was more hands on practice- he had to fight with each other and I got my ass kicked. I thought of myself as being very good at fighting with no practice or anything. I blamed outer factors for not learning self-defence until now, just to realize I was the one not letting myself do it and discover my fighting skills are non existent. It was an interesting lesson. I started reading a book about confidence. I thought is lame at first but I found myself in one of the situations described by the other. If you had 10% more confidence what would you do? What would have you done but you didn’t so far? One thing is learning to protect myself because I felt uncomfortable to do it. Met with a friend from high school. Just re-connected with her since the beginning of spring. I was waiting for her in the centre of the city and felt like usual: that I don’t deserve to be there because I am not good enough and so on. But I was conscious of my emotions and thoughts at a deeper level than I have ever been. I was shocked to realized that I am actually thinking those thoughts and feeling strong negative emotions started by something so dumb. It was unbelievable. I have been denying myself to feel calm and that I deserve to feel worthy just because I am a human being for years and for the first time I realized I don't need to meet any standards. Zazen is going better. Currently I'm in the second week. I'm going there once a week. I am still struggling to do it every day at home. But my back pain was not so strong as last time. My back muscles are so weak I had muscle spasms and I was shaking.

Finally went to krav maga a few days ago. I am a little sore but happy. I will go this week to other two dojos to choose the best teacher. Work at my parents business is challenging & that's good.