Everyday

I read a few pages from the beginning of this journal. I cant believe i wrote that. ?‍♂

So I read this article and it reminded me why I started krav maga: to learn to protect myself in a street fight. I forgot this in the last few months and imagined I will do it until brown belt. But that’s not my goal. The article talked how knowing various styles of combat is better. Thus, I will continue with krav for two years and after that boxing or kickboxing. Another thing I am concerned is that there is no sparring in krav maga. You learn dangerous kicks but pretend to use them. My teacher said he never had a fight since he started krav maga because he knows kicks too dangerous to be used- I think that’s bullshit. I want to learn to fight from someone who uses his knowledge in real fights on the street. I know that at kickboxing there are bouncers and other guys who actually use what they learn.

Hey At krav maga the other teacher and the older students started speaking about their fights, some avoided and some done. Interesting that they realised the damage they can make and chose not to attack but others did it for fun. Also, they chose not to strike because the paper work necessary with the police. This made me think about my situation at uni with the two guys making fun of me. And that i am not doing much to stop them. This talk made me to conclude that i cant go on like this, i i will respond their insults with insults. Is not OK to let them treat me like this no matter you put it. And i am sure i can beat one of them but the other has some fighting experience. Even if it leads to fight i will fight, and i will make him hit first so i will hit back as much as i can and then go to the police to file a complaint against him. This whole situation makes me emotional and to get lost in frustration and anger. I cant let someone to treat me like this, especially rednecks like them. Is unrealistic to wait a few more years until i feel confident in my fighting skills to stand up for myself. Another idea would be to ask my krav maga teacher for advice. Also, to ask my father and brother for advice. When i was in middle school i got beat up and i was too ashamed to ask for help. It was a mistake.

@RendHeaven happy new year man!

Started listening to an audiobook called daygame by roosh v. His style resonates with my level of development in relationships: red and orange. Also, begun educating myself regarding the work i am doing for this internship and the one i will start this year. I got pissed for not starting this sooner. So much stress and guilt could have been avoided if i only read books and listened to podcasts ?‍♂ Looking back on 2019, I concluded that I should say a big NO to any work for internship during tests and especially exams. I made the mistake of doing other time consuming work before exams and this is one of the reasons which caused failing uni.

I will go alone at a club to celebrate NYE, like i did last year. I am going for the music. Last year it was first time alone and it was amazing. Midnight caught me dancing- no bullshit countdown or wishes. I used to spend celebrating with friends or family, both unsatisfactory. At home i would witness my parents arguing and with friends just feeling bad for hanging out with them and not having a girlfriend. They would ask me why dont i have a girlfriend like them, am i gay or what? With friends, i would join to look cool but i would want to leave the second i saw them. So much boredom with them. Glad i dont have those toxic friends around anymore. I am already working on my two main goals for 2020, and the side ones too. I am happy i passed all exams which made me motived to improve other areas. Finally.

The girl I rejected didn't contact me and i am happy about this. This whole things was started by my desperation and everything resulted was unnecessary. The girl i was chasing didn't answer to my messages. I got the message. It was an amazing experience. I pushed myself far. It baffles me how smart and advanced I am in some areas and how immature emotionally and mentally I am in others. I am thinking about my career by doing internships and getting involved in these amazing projects at such a young age but I am acting completely childish with girls. Like I am not the same person.

Accomplishments: Done two internships at amazing companies which helped me understand more what I want to do with my career. Volunteering Almost had a date, and other big improvements with girls Started krav maga, already 6 months Joined an amazing internship in my city Passed all exams and tests at new uni Made true friends Didn’t befriend shit people at new uni Discovered a new passion Improved my arguing skills Starting to get my shit together Mistakes: Failed uni in nl Pleasing too much people Being too distant with my family Not starting pick-up Gave up planning my time and weeks Goals 2020: Pick-up Passing all exams In detail: I made a schedule of the books on pickup to start reading and practice. I plan to pass all exams and tests- studying in advance, already made a schedule, asking for help Other: Erasmus, Involving myself more with this current internship and the one I'll start, read books related to internship work, keep up krav maga, another internship this summer, improve clothing, Driver ID

In the last two days we got in three different arguments with clients. Cops should up twice. Everything was fine for us. I was very proud and surprised of the way I stood up fro myself and insulted those clients. And how calm I was when I spoke with the cops. I have made huge progress. But after the third incident I remembered about the bulling at university and just fell in old patterns of fear and weakness. Is captivating how this works. Is amazing how untreated trauma evolves over the years. Thinking of confronting the two bullies makes me afraid and overwhelmed with frustration and daydreaming of scenarios. I suppose the reason is that one of them has more experience in fighting and both have more experience with girls. Interesting how these two factors dictate if I am standing up for myself or not. I am blown away by the logic of my own mind.

Post for actualizedorg. I watched a boy and a girl being bullied by two colleagues of mine. I said nothing to avoid becoming a target. Nothing in my class said. I am questioning if I acted correctly. Same day and I was made fun of by them too- I thought I was not and wont be in their target since uni started. Well, I am now. Nothing physical, yet. Just questions like- how many girls did you bang, do you masturbate hahah?, how many girlfriends did you have, do you have driver ID, etc. I am waiting for them to become physical so I can beat them. At least one of them I am sure I can but the other one has two years experience in fighting and im not confident to confront him. I feel overwhelmed of neg feelings from time to time. Interesting thing that I am even more angry on this because they are two years younger and rednecks. I was raised to think I am better than countryside people. And I see myself as smarter than my colleagues because I am 21. Plus that they had more experience with girls than me. I am going I am worried if they will pass the year and I wont- this would be horrible. So I will use these bad feelings to fuel my motivation to study. It worked two years ago. I feel inferior to them in some areas. As I see so far, the problems I don’t focus on grow harsher each year. I cant accept I am like this and cant even see myself being like this 6 years in the future. Is unacceptable. Also, I cant understand how I was much much weaker in school. After the past few days I see myself as a fraud trying to work on the internship. I don’t see myself worth to even work in that environment when I am being made fun of at uni. After seeing myself being so afraid to be picked on at uni I started to question my persona. The last few years I made choices based on avoiding past traumas to repeat. I changed the way I look, do, watch, friends, hobbies, carrier and more. And it seems it was all to heal past wounds and avoid the past. From this point I am questioning my current lifestyle. Is it authentic or just different ways to cope with the past? Is the type of girl i find attractive really personal, or just a way to impress the people who made fun of me and a reflection of their type? Do i want to become an entrepreneur or i want to prove i will be successful? Am i really interested in social media and marketing or do i want to impress people from my past? Am i really interested in the people i am friends now or do i want to look cool and interesting by association? Am i really enjoying working with entrepreneurs or just try to avoid being bullied at work?

just got my shit together 1% more

Lately i got deeply inspired of the people at the internship. Their achievements, skills and mindsets makes me work harder and plan bolder. I hold immense respect for them. I feel fortunate i met them. I have work to do. I am on the right track. Focusing more on doing more of what i know i want to learn but scares me then to have interesting experiences for fun. I know more of hat i want to do so i will use my time to get better in those areas and explore new fields now less. I made some plans for this summer. Very challenging. But i am anxious if i will pass this year or else.

She said Tuesday to meet. She messaged me now she got a cold and if I still want to meet then let's move it for next week. She's also stressed with an exam this week. That it would have been better if we went out two months ago when she had more free time. Yes, indeed. But I didn’t think to contact her back then though social media, and this stems from fear and overthinking. So I will messaged her and fix smth for next week. Hopefully. Would calling her be better?

One day after this post she messaged me again. I rolled my eyes and told my self I will message her out of politeness later. I will replay when I finish speaking with some people I do actually want to talk to and i respect. She saw I am online and asked me why am I acting like this, am I upset on her? I told her I don’t find you attractive as I thought previously and some other B.S. like I want to still be friends. I don’t like her at a friend and this started months before this thing. Just said we'll meet in two week, avoiding once again dealing with it. Looking back, I should have messaged her a version of a polish truth of my rejection after I met with her. It would have made everything easier. But my skills with relationships is of a child and I acted like one. After I told her avoiding her as much as I could for like 3 weeks was pointless.

There are things I cant get at older people and some I do. I do get the comfort a steady job gives you, the social games of having a girlfriend, a cool social life, vacations abroad, expensive house and technology. A job that requires some level of skill like working in an office. I see myself getting absorbed into this but I don’t get it why they don’t want to work to gain knowledge of their passions and evolve. I haven o idea what this means. I foretell this current internship will change the way I see having a job and working in the future. My notions of having a job is altered. I want to be an entrepreneur. But I don’t have an answer why. I guess is what other people want? I don’t have a problem to have a boss, like the one I have at the current and previous internships. I learned a lot from them.

When I was in high school, at some NYE party with my colleagues I kissed some girl and felt disgusted. The feeling fade away after some time. I reconnected with a girl from my high school class after two years of not speaking with anyone from there. I hanged out a few times since then, and more after I returned home in the last months. I got some hints she likes me. I don’t find her attractive at all but she is a really good and smart person. So I did some mental math out of desperation and came to the conclusion that I can jump in a relationship with her in order to get some sex and relationship experience. Well, I hesitated to do so for a few months until almost two weeks ago. I kissed her and felt this strong feeling of disgust of myself. Like 100 stronger than what I felt with the other girl. I thought is all just suppressed emotions coming out regarding relationships and sex. Previously to this I thought I can force myself to be with a girl I don’t really find attractive. Well I cant- I don’t find her attractive physically in any way. For a few days I felt strong disgust which could be seen on my face right away right after I remembered her. Ew. So three days pass and I tell to my best friend about this. He did that and there is no point I should force myself to do it. I have to accept my feelings. Then I told him about this amazing foreign girl I met three weeks earlier through my current internship with whom I really connected. I didn’t ask her out because I figured I will next time I meet her. And time passed and I didn’t see her again. He told me to just ask the people who knew her about her contact. I did so and messaged her. She said yes the very same day. It didn’t go through my mind I can simply messaged her. We settled for a day to meet and didn’t contact her again not to seem desperate which I am kinda. One day before this date she said she cant come. I propose another date (today) and three days pass and she didn’t respond. And I feel frustrated and happy I asked her out no matter the outcome. I messaged her today to ask if we will meet or not. She responded four hours later and I saw her messaged but I will respond in a few days like she did. Is too clear I am needy. She forgot about it and asked me if is ok to reschedule next week. Well, we'll see. I decided to not bang that girl from high school or to do anything related. But I don’t have the guts to let her now this. She messaged me since then and I respond shortly and wish it will all go away. I just don’t find being fat as attractive. After we kissed I fapped all weekend to fat porn girls forcing myself to find her attractive in my mind. Also is smth at her I see in myself I don’t like. Another reason I am ashamed is that high school colleagues might see me with her. This is a huge fear of what they might say and I thought it was mostly gone. I would eat lava than to be seen with her. I have some inner work to do.

Update: I got a sudden burst of results at krav maga. I can do more moves and retained more theory. Just today i noticed this. I felt like i wasn't progressing a few weeks before. I really enjoy it and thought of becoming an instructor in the future. I am focusing of learning the rules, practice at home too and learning the moves in hebrew. I found out i can use Erasmus + to do internships and study abroad starting second year. I consider going to some company this summer but i dont know if ill have exams to redo. Spoke with a guy with an amazing project. He offered me an internship starting January 2020. One of the reasons for joining my current internship was to learn how to do social media. I did learn some stuff but not as much as i expected. If i want to learn correctly and high quality i have to actually do an internship at a social media agency or someone who does it freelance. The more i do social media stuff for this current internship the more i realise i want to know more and do it better. Is so interesting this whole field. Maybe as a side job in the future. I felt triggered at some rude customer at my parents'. I learned that we make money here and no matter how much i want to be correct with the clients they will still not respect you. And we want to make money from this business. Even if they are not ethical 100%. I want to be appreciate by these cancer clients of ours- but i am here to make money not to make them happy or use my higher self. And i can put the correctness in the internship im doing. That's another thing. Havent meditated in some time. Abandoned sleep schedule. Went to bed late 3 days in a row again. Didnt happen for some time.

Well, a few days after I wrote this post I got friend zoned. Lol. She asked me if I want to be her BFF instead. I refused and ignored. I just felt frustrated. But also amused of this lesson. But got over it fast. I knew she had a boyfriend at home but hoped they broke up since she never brought it up. Found out she also has another boyfriend at uni too. I thought it would be awkward after I stopped speaking with her but it went very well. I speak with her sometimes now but I don’t really feel anything anymore. After this, she friend zoned some other guy in my class, he chose to be her BFF. She does this now with other two guys in my class in addition. I am proud of myself for not accepting this bullshit. I did some years ago. The guy she friend zoned is bullied by two colleagues from my class. He resembles me a lot. Trying really hard to fit in. Everyone makes fun of him. I speak superficially with a handful colleagues sometimes. But didn’t mention krav maga, the internship, NL or more personal stuff to anyone. I feel very relaxed at school knowing I don’t have to fit in. Is so nice. I always I knew I don’t have anything in common with the people I want to fit in but didn’t listen. I hang out with some amazing people from the internship. I get along very well with them. They inspire me. I passed the first two tests at uni with a good grade. But to be honest I didn’t study much. If the professors were mean I wouldn’t have passed. I am deeply disappointed my the quality of the curriculum and of teaching methods my professors have over all. Is sad how bad they are at their jobs. I just want to pass every class and get the fuck out of here. I started writing down my sleep quality. Noticed I wake up naturally around 7-7:30. Interesting. And more on this later.

That's true!

University life so far ////// i didn’t try to befriend the ''cool'' people of my class and college. I felt a strong personal pressure to make friends with them because deep down I am afraid I wont be liked and bullied. In the past I made friends with those people just to avoid bulling by being their friend. I would connect with them so I would be the clown of the group to make them laugh. I realized this whilst talking with my best friend after failing college a few months ago. Sad but true. Uni started for two weeks and I finally feel I made the right choice. I don’t want to associate with them or be friends. Paradoxically no body makes fun of me now when I stay away from them vs when I was very needy to please them. In the last college I had a colleague who didn’t give a fuck about his social life at college; he had his own friends at home and girlfriend. I admired him. And I want to do pretty much the same thing. Is easy since I have krav maga twice a week, working for my family and the internship. I hang out only with some girls from my class but not so much. The guys overall seem very immature. It's surprising how deep my early life traumas go. I am flirting back and forth with a girl from my class. Things are going good so far. I am more direct with my intention than I ever was so far with a girl. She remembers me about three girls at least I could have been with in high school. I was so afraid of the idea of rejection and what my friends would think that I just stayed passive. Until they all got tired and moved on. I felt so frustrated. It makes me feel a roller-coaster of emotions: from excitement to fear. I avoided facing these emotions many times in my life. So many since I was a kid now I don’t know or believe I can succeed. When I am around her I feel headaches, shortness of breath, embarrassed, shame and anxiety. Maybe all these surpassed emotions come to surface as i am dealing with this area. The belief that I cant be with a girl or in a relationship is so deep in my ego. I would rather get rejected and frustrated than to push my comfort zone in this area. Is so hard to admit this and face this part of me. I am putting a lot of guilt and pressure on myself. How I should be already. How these basic dating skills I should have already. Is crippling. And I deny reality. I didn’t join any student organization or campus volunteering. At last college I spent so much time at bullshit events with the student organization. And I felt trapped there after a few months. It was a challenge at first but turned in a chore. Most of my time there was wasted on pointless activities. There where so many things I could have done with my time but that. That's why I'm not making the same mistake again. I joined because I saw it as a personal growth opportunity- and it was for some time. But would just get together for meetings and no body but three people and me would an effort to make activates. The other were just doing nothing. I thought when I joined the organization there would be space for me to acquire skills you need to open a small company. And it was anything but that. The internship I do now, is more like I was searching for in my student organization. I finally did my first food delivery on bike. It was an experience. I got late to pick up the order and very late to drop it. Like one hour and a half late. I felt so ashamed and stupid. What would that guy think of me? He didn’t say anything. And I pushed myself a lot from my comfort zone. I made so many mistakes and I just wanted to die. I run out of battery right after I arrived to drop the food. Found the apartment. I Was unfamiliar with the neighborhood. I managed to find a subway station and got home safely. I was so fucking scared but found the strength to put my shit together. So worried what my family would think. It felt good to stay strong and keep myself going. I realized how afraid I am of what people think of me. And now I think I look just like other dumb guy who made a mistake. And that's ok. No body really cares. I am very ashamed of this being on this forum. Is such a stupid situation to react like I did.

Problems at my family business: so there is this guy who is envious on our relative success which has a similar business. he made us a lot of problems in the past, and still does. he has some corrupt cops friends and sent them to us to milk some bribe. we didnt give them anything and felt angry for not reacting better. we talked with a lawyer and apparently they had nothing to do there. and now they are passing by each day and are looking for some reason to fine us. when they came first and we didnt point out all the shady stuff they said and did or protected our rights very good. since they we have been waiting for these cops to come back so we can confront them properly. we talked with a lawyer after the first incident and now we know how to protect ourselves. i treat this as a great opportunity to make myself stronger. problems like this happen in real life and i need to deal with them not retreat in some notion about how the world should be.

@Mezanti I feel the same. I have too much theory and mental masturbation about advanced and basic topics but in real life i struggle at the very beginning!

Hey. I just got your app on my phone. I will let you know what i think in a few days. Congratulations for your success so far.

Met more amazing and creative people though my internship. Realised how arrogant still am. I got all these deep knowledge from Leo but without me having to put any work in. Now I have this cloud of superiority hovering over me. But now i am aware of it. and how much worse it used to be. giving up this internship as i thought of before would have been a mistake. that choice would have been rooted in arrogance and fear of my ego being attacked.

@studentofthegame thanks