Everyday

She asked again yesterday when i was waiting for the exam to start. I said yes, i want to do it. She said ok- didnt feel competition or arrogance from her. The girl next to us said no. I cant start working on all my goals at once after finals so i will postpone some. Definitely, first i will work on erasmus for 2 weeks. Regular working hours meantime. Internship work after.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Studied yesterday and today. Recalling is getting easier. I had the hardest exam today and i failed. I wrote at each subject but the professor said it wasn't enough. I would have passed if i had other subjects. Also, she was such a bitch because last year i criticised something he forced each class to do, wont get into it now. I will re take this exam at the end of finals and study daily, besides the other 3 exams left. By the time i finish all exams it will be almost March. Time flies so fucking fast. I have stuff i want to do after exams. Cant wait. Seems is taking forever. But at least i am passing exams and is all that really matters. I dont want to look like an asshole by starting to work at the internship after two months of exams. But i cant really do both. i want to talk about something but maybe in a few days

Someone asked in the group chat who else wants to do erasmus. I worry competition. Is funny that i dont worry about actually living abroad again but rather passing the admission process.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily I got used to study at night even if i still don't want to. Is easier, since i have been doing it for a few weeks now. Even longer. I have all day to study now but i cant bring myself to do it before the night. I got used to it. Having a routine is really powerful. wow. Yesterday i studied 30 minutes more. For the moment two hours daily is more than i can. After that i cant overcome resistance. Even so i can't focus one hour straight; i daydream and get caught up in memories. Didn't know my concentration is at this level. I really noticed how bad habits affect my ability to studying. And good habits i general. Fapping, porn, unhealthy food, tv series and social media make it harder to study because i have 2 hours with no fast rewards. I watch episodes of american dad every day after studying and fap to porn; noticed how is harder and harder to start when my mind knows i can get these rewards sooner and faster. The reason i get late to sleep is that i want to avoid all the regrets, postponed goals, confrontation, hate, and thoughts that come at night. But how do i deal with all of them so i can sleep? I need years to fix all. There has to be another way i can fall asleep earlier. I am hungry all the time. No matter how much i ate, i will feel hungry again after studying. I eat 4 times a day.

I'm studying Horticulture. Thanks.

What blocks me from studying better? What is stopping me? I can use this also for driving, sleeping and eating habits. Reasons to not eat junk food: I have walk to a junk food place, wait in line and after all of this hassle i have to pay. As i eat i feel bad and guilty. After I'll feel sad, guilty, tired, fat and unmotivated. Those money could have been spent on other things. This makes eating junk food harder.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Focusing 100% on smth is fucking hard for one hour. I find it really hard to start to study daily. I don’t want to do it. A reason is that I am worried ill fail. I cant revise very well my notes because I started late. I want to eat junk food. I feel resistant to study. I'm afraid of failure. I want to go to eat junk food from outside and do it every day until I am done with exams. I also feel guilty that I have AGAIN all day to study and I don’t. My father is doing my shift at work so I can study- and what I do? I waste time. I study for 2 h and then watch episodes and movies. But this guilt doesn’t make me motivated. Quite the contrary- to feel even more resistant. The food I eat every day is quite bad for my concentration. I cant believe I survived that much guilt and stress last year. Is unreal. I felt so bad. No wonder I wanted to get higher and try different stuff. It had the purpose of making me sick, like junk food , get motivated and starting to study. Other: I want to work on other habits right now. I need fast improvement. I am going on with my main challenge for now. Sleep is the next one.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Had a presentation and an exam today. I passed at both. Both way easier than i expected. I got the result at a test i had some time ago. I passed. I am happy but upset those guys passed too. Like i put more effort into studying and showing up to uni man. This isn't fair. They literally cheated or guessed the answers at some exams and tests and got better grades than me. My uni is a joke. I didn't study today. I will rest. Other: Thought to celebrate this end of the week with some junk food and alcohol. I didn't buy food because i felt disgusted and too tired to eat. Getting drunk wasn't appealing either. Drank and i feel even more tired. Didn't enjoy it. If i gave myself the permission to eat and drink isn't enjoyable anymore, so it seems. Some professor said again we are all a fucked up generation. I don't like him. Thinking to start judo. One of those dude's friends went to a dojo in my city. Not sure yet. They made fun of me again and i did as well to one of them. I fucking hate my current situation. Today it was the last day i had labs with them. Finally. Can't wait to start the second semester and think of smth else. There are some girls in my class they don't even dare to make fun of. But they test them every day and they repel them. Is not just about power but also about subtle behaviours and responses to adversity which make someone to respect you. I have to learn this. Is fascinating to me. I am not aware of my beta behaviours which encourage bulling. Fighting is just a facet of the skills of standing up for yourself. I will get better at it. I worked today and i will continue for a few days then stop again to study more. But it seems i struggle more to start when i don't go to work- i don't have any limitations. Don't know how i will manage my time when i start the new semester. I haven o idea how i will manage working, krav, studying, uni, internship and personal projects. But i do know i will finish all documents for erasmus right after exams.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Passed a difficult test with a 7. A quarter of students in my year failed. Felt proud, but i didn't put hard work into it. Only studied for a few ay and some of material just read over and over and quizzed myself. Didn't have time to make it right. I feel relaxed when my only goal is to study. I think fapping each night made me struggle with studying more. I mean that dopamine fucks me up. Makes me lazy in a way. I feel it. Next month I am going to deal with my sleeping issues. Is really bad. I cant take notes to courses because I am too tired. Also, i want to improve my diet for more energy. I am always hungry because of my sleep schedule. I cant fall asleep at regular hours and i cant study unless i nap first. As in 4 hour naps. I need a one day break from studying. Saturdays. After this challenge. oTHER Got bullied on Tuesday, and realised i have habit of not responding back right away. I smile and dont say smth because i dont want to be attacked physically and verbally. Maintained for years. After this i noticed that i translate their jokes as a description of my worth. If i don't stand up i am worthless. But my expectations are too high it takes time to tackle this habit. All i can say now is a few words in a calmly manner. No matter how much rage i feel i cant respond back full force like i daydream. And is ok. Seems harder for me to argue with colleagues than to yell at strangers at work. Last month i started arguing first time with clients and i need time to adapt. Is still a huge improvement. Even the class clown sad smth to me and it took me a few minutes until i responded back. Fascinating. But since then i felt relaxed because i know i am not what they say. I will do labs with other groups and keep learning to fight. Today and yesterday it was ok. They were nice to me after i helped them with something later same day on Tuesday. Had some conversations about martial arts and krav maga. One of them did judo, jiu jitsu and boxing. Planning to do that. I thought he did kickboxing. I will start driving lessons after exams. i am excited. I avoided to learn until now because i am afraid of confrontation. But i am better now. simmer- hayley

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30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Studying is going well. I have a bad habit of revising superficially my notes. I think i am too smart and i should retain it very fast. This is toxic and makes me stressed and surprised every time i get the results. I don't take into consideration the real amount of time and energy to get a good grade. I have unrealistic expectations. Passed another difficult test today. I was nervous, as a result i couldn't sleep at all. I have two more tests and an exam left this week.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Studied 2hours in a row. Five minute breaks. Worked wonderful. Now i want to study some more but i really don't want to. General Went to bed at 5 watching American dad and writing about that intern work. I couldn't decide what to drop from my schedule. But i realised i wont finish college being perfectly self actualised. I have all my life to work on what i am postponing now and i made peace with it.

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30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily yesterday i wrote some questions for a course after i didn't feel the alcohol anymore. today i wrote some questions before and after work, a total of one hour. Took a break and got caught in youtube. I decided to quit for today and wake up earlier tomorrow. i am stressing again thinking about not passing exams. General i feel afraid for my future. will i make a leaving? should i focus on social media instead? plan b? i questioned what i am actually doing at that internship with my time. i don't think my help counts. i am not learning about social media and marketing much from my boss as i hoped. i learned some stuff from my boss but i need a mentor for social media. he cant teach me. he doesn't grow our plants properly. he isn't an expert in that field either. oof. this time off from working because exams made me see things in a different light. i am doing a lot of shallow work there. a little bit of this and that but not even at an average level. i learned a bit about how a business is running which helped clear some limiting beliefs. but is time to move on. i realised i can learn even better how to grow plants form books than what he can teach me. i am pissed. i wasted 5 months working there. the other internship- this guy seems better at his job of cultivating. and i will focus on learning just that. but i again, have to go to someone who does marketing and social media stuff for a living. to learn from the source. not 2nd hand information. and also run my own experiments and read by myself. and combine this knowledge together. i think my main mistake is that i had no idea what or why i am getting into it. and i offered to do social media and marketing beside growing plants hoping i can help and learn everything. i think some boundaries would have helped: i will only help you with x . i will make a decision after exams end. also, i have to prepare some papers for Erasmus then.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Wednesday was ok. Yesterday was more difficult to study. I ended up not doing the last 20 min. I was very tired. I prepare for an exam i took today. The exam was ok i guess, but some work put it earlier would have helped. Today i slept again after uni. Then went to work for my parent's business. After i arrived home i drank and now i am sitting in bed writing this. I think i will write some questions for the courses i had this week. I realised that I am usually coming from uni tired, Internship work sometime then i go to work and krav maga leaving no motivation for studying. But writing questions one day and review during another is manageable. Today at uni i fell asleep every few minutes with the pen in my hand taking notes. Is something that happens to me very often. My sleeping schedule results in bad notes. I plan to fix this too. General: One of the rednecks told me smth, and i responded back. He shut up. Nice. By choosing to build the habit of studying i neglect other aspects of life. And is ok. I cant be in balance all the time. Is very important. Now i am happy with my life, even if i am stressed of arguments. I am pondering whatever i am actually spending my time productively with that internship. I am not really making any big contribution. Is not challenging anymore. I feel bad to quit. I will join my father's working hours to get into conflict more often. He always gets into arguments and I can use this to get some practice. But after exams. I wanted to tell to a professor how she should run her class and exam. I chose not to because i just want to pass the class more than to make her treat us better.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Ate a banana after university, yet felt sleepy and went to bad. Woke up 5 hours later. Lol. I already studied one hour. I have a test tomorrow so i will go to bed later again. I am quite tired of studying. If it wasn't for this challenge i would have quit study sessions faster each day I noticed that i am not taking my notes at uni good enough. I will work on this. Other stuff We found out today on Thursday we have an exam. Just got moved from next week to now. Man, cant wait to be done with this shit. I cant even complain to someone because they will punish me in the form not letting me to pass the course. They said good morning to today. And i thought for a few seconds hmmm they are nice so i should be speaking with them more. It's a trap! Each time i speak with them i act in such a way i exhale fear and beta vibes that they make fun of me sooner or later. Interesting. I kept my distance from them at class and everything was alright. I realised that those rednecks made fun of me only when i also made fun of other people together with them. Call it karma. And each time they would pick on me afterwards.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily I arrived home tired af after uni, ate heavy and went to sleep for 4 hours. I waste so much energy thinking when i use public transport and at uni. I studied two hours but the last 30m i didn't do my best. However, i am studying more than before because all that's in my schedule is to study. So i dont postpone it because i have nothing else to take care of. After studying i watched some episodes because i still have time to relax. Lol. The break between sessions gets longer than i want each time. I will use a timer. I remembered that i dont want to speak with my colleagues. In the last few months i forgot this. I want to fit in even if i dont like those people. I will keep my distance from them. I dont even want to talk or listen to them anyways. I just feel weird to sit alone. But is ok. I had this simple idea a few hours ago: to do the lab classes with other groups, and minimising the time i see those rednecks form my group. They only pick on me during those classes, since there are less people. I will be done soon with this semester and i can start implementing this. I dont think i cant stand a fight with that guy because i have less experience. But it seems the right solution to avoid him now, but i will insult him until the semester ends if he's a dick. I dont know if this choice is smart or is a pussy move. I am pretty sure they both will fail uni. In krav maga we dont do sparring and we didnt learn how to protect from punches much. He did kickboxing for 2 years so i might start doing that instead as well.

I decided to cut off my summer goal of doing food delivers on bike. Is challenging but not as much as pick up and driving. Nor will have a big impact on my personality. Same for swimming. I love it but improving my skills with it wont make a big difference.

wow i forgot

So the 6th day of just was finished. This day was the hardest. I had 0 motivation for the last session. I learned from Cal Newport's book that spending a day for making questions for each chapter and only studying them next day is better. Better than learning and making questions in the same time. Now i will spend some time writing down questions. Didnt think of bulling pretty much. I will deal with it when it happens. I think these days i just have to feel it.