Everyday

12:30 hours left Studying is a little better. Last night at 19:00 i got a message from the Erasmus guy of my faculty. The message was only for me and a girl. He asked us if we would prefer to study abroad or do an internship? and said we should answer before 12:00 next day. I checked my inbox at 13:40. I replayed but he didn't respond. I might just worry again too much. I am annoyed of my first-relationship cringe i am doing with her. I am hardly willing to accept that i am learning. I am making so many mistakes. A month and a few days of taking to her daily and i thought she warmed up to me almost completely. But the last two days i realized i am at the beginning of warming her up to me. I am dealing with her years of bad and abusive boyfriends. To be honest i am not sure i can handle so much trauma. I fell in decadence studying abroad. I indulged in many stuff.

They are doing really good. BTW i sawed new seed in the same soil in my living room. Turns out my watering method was the problem but the soil itself is actually horrible. Next year i am going to get a good one. I put a basil and a mint plant. The mint is a gift from my sis' boyfriend. The basil is from my best friend, since he visited me last autumn. 13 h left So bad! I am so behind at botany. About the second internship: i asked him if i can help writing articles for his site. He agreed. I was reminded again how much i have to learn. She helped me make the article look really professional. I am really glad she offered to do it. I didn't expect. This is still going on. I am surprised that my family is ok with her except my father and sister. My father makes jokes about her being a redneck all the time. I pointed out his miserable marriage and how unhappy he makes my mom. My mom said she learned to tolerate him and that she is indeed unhappy. My father got upset on me; my mom was sad. My father didn't like responding back and attacking his marriage. The argument degenerated into him yelling about his parents not caring about him like he does for us. I told him i don't care that isn't my business. I just smiled and apologised. He calmed down even if i wasn't serious. I don't regret arguing with him. I don't really mean to apologise. Found it funny how he can forgive me just by saying sorry. I had 4 shitty clients at work in the last few days. I had the opportunity to push myself even if it wasn't as perfect as i would have hoped. Is progress. I remembered about all of this during a conversation with her. I got upset but forced myself to set aside the time spent with her and the time i spend at work. Went cycling with my brother. No police. Everyone outside. I had a good time. I remembered about NL- felt nostalgia, guilt, regret, excited. The stress coming from doing bad in uni kinda altered the whole NL experience. I haven't drank alcohol for two-three weeks. I don't want to- it makes me feel sad and lazy. Years of getting drank or dizzy and feeling sad and frustrated. I noticed i want to drink more unhealthy juices now. I will continue this for months. I went on for like 2 years more or less without drinking or smoking. I felt good. This was all before NL.

We had two online classes scheduled for yesterday. For the first one, the professor didn't even show up and at the second, the professor couldn't fix his microphone so it was also canceled. =)))))))))))))) Oh I bought seedlings from the market and planted them two days ago. I am really happy. I have tomatoes, red peppers and cucumbers. I have two types of mint, one bought now and the other one i have it for two years in my garden. I used some stolons from the older one. I also have basil and potatoes. I seeded a bunch of spring and medicinal flowers and i am waiting to see what happens. I am still going to work. We have more and more clients. Nobody is obeying the quarantine. My parents are arguing as they do during each holiday. I think this is normal =))). It was always like this. My studying routine is barely alive although i am doing questioners on a daily basis. I am still doing krav online and kegels. I try to do them 3 sets 4 days a week. But i mainly do just 2. I have 15h left from arnold's autobiography. I am still speaking with her. Is going good.

I had an ONLINE CLASS this Monday, which lasted for 30 min =)))))))) I'm not even joking and half of it was talking about coronavirus. I had my second ONLINE CLASS today in the morning. WOW. The professor was late one hour because she didn't know how to send us the password for the zoom meeting. It lasted for one hour and consisted of her reading each powerpoint page. =)))))))))) The thing is that the people who should guide them said they are working on two platforms through which the classes will take place. So a month passed and they probably told them that both platforms are useless and gtfo and use Zoom instead. We could have done this weeks ago but whatever. And one of the platform is just so the people above them can say we are actively learning smth. Lol. Just BS. We are supposed to upload our home work there but it isn't working.

I have zero motivation to go there each day but i have to. I didn't accommodate yet with this time boundary. I spent the last two days just laying in bed until i had to leave to work. Came home and struggled to study. Oof. I will just buy seedlings from the store when they appear on the market. I am pissed that i still have no seedlings doing good yet. I either water too much or not enough. Ooof. Whatever. I slaked off on studying last few days. Krav makes me so tired lately. I feel so drained each time and i am not looking forward to the next session. d

I forgot to say that the company i visited in NL last summer before returning home responded to my e-mail. I told them I might come this year to do an internship but i will e-mail them in February/ March. I did so on 15th of March and only now they replayed. They wished me good luck and told me there is a place available- but we'l keep in touch because of this crises. I am quite happy. I have a plan B in case the other company doesn't want me. I also wanted to do a summer internship with them but the day scheduled for an online interview, last November, i forgot. Lol- what a dumb mistake. Hope they'll forget. i will have scholarship from Erasmus hopefully, thing they insisted a lot. Also, still waiting for Erasmus to decide when they'll chose some of us. BTW i am starting work again at my family's business from tomorrow. If not everyone is obeying the quarantine why would we do it then? We close it for a few weeks already but our competition didn't.

I was a lazy bastard again today. Woke up at 10, ate sweets, unhealthy food and drank. Went to bed and switched between tv series and sleeping until 21:00. Studied for one and a half our. Did one questionnaire. Now i am listening to Arnold's autobiography.

It was my first time and i didn't expect to get dizzy. No but my brother was waiting me in the car with water and food. A nurse wiped my forehead with a wet tissue and this helped. Congratulations! I too will keep doing this from now on.

Nice man!

So yesterday i went in the morning. The place/hospital wasn't very clean. I went because i wanted to prove myself i am still strong. It seems i developed some type of light anxiety of needles since my last blood check, two years ago. I was stressed but the pain of the needle entering my vain wasn't much nor intense. The sensation of blood dripping out of my body was quite annoying at times. After the nurse pulled it out i got drifted into dizziness. I guess it was because of tiredness- i slept less last few weeks and the day before yesterday got 6 hours after talking with her on video chat. It felt like a combination of ketamine and weed. A weird type of high- quite pleasant. It didn't last long. I handled the whole situation quite good. When i was in this head high i thought of her, my life and how i have to improve my own life so i can top my high school colleagues. To overcome those insecurities. Those blockages. The place i donated blood was close to an area i used to hang out with them sometimes. Once at home i was very tired and hungry. Ate like a pig ate slept for 6-7 hours. I had headaches coming and going and sweating a lot. Woke up at 20:00 and studied for an hour and did some tests for the driver id exam. I do them every day for 15m after one hour of studying for uni. Otherwise i wont want to do it at all. Didn't listen to Arnold's autobiography. Called her and we spoke again late at night. Woke up today and felt tired and a strong headache. I checked and i have no fever. My father is freaking me out how i got corona. Man, i am reacting like this because of having almost 500ml of blood out of my system.

I'm going to donate blood tomorrow. Not many do this because of the virus atm. Also, a reason to go out and find out if i am healthy. Im listening to Arnold's autobiography. Is amazing- makes me feel ashamed for not being as ambitious. Prepared my plot of land. Sawed some spring flower seeds. I spray bottle my new batch 3 times a day. I think the problem is the soil. Still lazy to study. I need to do more man. I had an argument with my father a few days ago and today again. I was very aggressive. I was proud of me but the rest of my family wasnt. They say i should shut up because he's my father and respect doesnt have to be earned. That our job is just to please my father and navigate through his mood swings and yelling. I dont agree with this at all but they are right. I roll my eyes and ignore him until i can live on my own. Is his house. My mother told me how smart is she for comping passively with my father behavior. That she has been making progress in these 20 years of marriage of theirs. I called her out that she isnt happy and she said this isnt important. Ok. I cant reason with her either. She is disillusioned beyond my understanding.

Sure!

My work ethic is so bad now because i don't have any fixed work like uni or work daily. I forgot i react with laziness to this lifestyle. Exactly like i did 2 year ago. But i guess the only thing i can set in place now is krav maga classes. I can raise to 4 classes per week and leverage my routine around it. Nobody respects the lockdown in my country. We are going to become like Italy. This quarantine will extend to June. Had an online meeting with both internship mentors. I felt inspired to work again. I want to spend a few hours regularly improving social media skills. My father is yelling like usually. I am responding back. All is good. He is taking it down in front of adversity. Interesting. If the year frizzes, i will have time to get an internship at a social media company. I really want to do this now, even if i have other goals atm. I observed that i am not very fond of fruits for some time now. I just cant eat them. Too sugary. I only want to eat veggies and meat. Sleep schedule is shit. But at least my 23:00 - 2:00, is a time well is spent. I started doing kegel exercises for PE since Wednesday. I will do this for two weeks. Noticed that she is more like my father. Which is not good in my opinion. She is into arguing and being right. I assume this will be a problem aside of the opportunity of arguing practice. I am worried i am getting into an abusive relationship but i don't know it. If that's the case i will gtfo. Not looking to be miserable again or anything. The other night i spoke about something that happened in my lab at uni. I involved a fellow colleague, a 37 year old woman and a perv 60 year old professor. She got mad that i said he doesn't like me because i am friends with this woman. She got jealous af even if this happened at the beginning of the year. Next day i told her we can speak about it if she got upset. We agreed to speak about our problems rather than acting like our parents. She made it all seem is my fault that i am overreacting. She said she would have told me if she actually had a problem. I got upset, like a child and was amazed to watch my behaviour. All i wanted to do was to take revenge on her for the way i reacted. Man, i am so underdeveloped in this area is insane. It wasn't even a big thing anyways.

BTW i started a new batch. I water them deeply with a spray bottle every other day. Even some of the old seedlings recovered. Thanks for the tip. I will share pics. Thanks. Idk. I will try this approach every time i get triggered. Why not? I will let you know about my results.

I don’t feel ok. I looked at my old pc keyboard and recalled years of tv series, movies, searching for sites and archiving solutions for my problems. I used this time to oversensationalize how my first relationship would be, to make it the solution of all my problems. I used this time to delude myself into the amazing life I will have in the future, but with no hard work in the present; year after year. Like the beginning of the year, when I got into dealing with bulling and conflict I got mad for months. All the suppressed memories are/ came back to deal with them now. It was hard to study for uni and to keep myself sane each day for months. I got lost every day into rage and regret. So many scenarios. Like I predicted, same thing happens now, as I am evolving with this relationship. Memories & buried emotions just started to arise. All the years of hesitation, frustration, envy and regret are coming back from the black box, for me to deal with them. I just had a few tears. I think this wave will hit my harder than the conflict one did.

Done. Did pretty much nothing else. Just in bed. Oof. I will do krav online 3 times a week now- I payed today. If i can manage this for 2-3 weeks i will raise to 4 times. '' I have to top myself ''

Hey I need to re-think my schedule. I am wasting too much time every day. I will write more later. I am waiting to call her now. Lol she and her bro got in trouble. Update: I made a schedule and i am going to see how it goes. I lay in bed every day until noon because i am tired after speaking on the phone with her each night. I will take care of my seedlings until noon as well as start a project i need to prepare for uni. There are rumours of frizzing the year at uni. The administration told us to keep taking online classes and to do all labs. Lol, what online classes? Is Friday tomorrow and we still didn't get our PDF courses for this week. Our professors are incompetent. The release of the Erasmus list of students who got accepted is delayed for an unknown period of time. I guess mid April? We'll see. I am confident i will get in.

Well, i used a spray bottle and later a syringe. Thank you for your advice. I will put another batch. That's exactly the problem- the soil underneath is dry af. I will ask you more in private about the gardening show- awesome! Yeah, this is new to me. I guess is a good thing. I tired before and it leads to nowhere. that's why i was an asshole with her this time. I got tired of ignoring it or trying to reason with her. I will just ignore her in these situations. Is just that i see she's unhappy but is unable to break out of it. Is futile to help her.

Got them online. Last year i wanted to buy him more stuff but i used the money on junk food to manage my stress. I bought him more to make up for last year. My aim is to study 1.30h a day. But lately, i let school work pile up and wanted to go through all of it in 2 days. Yesterday i studied for 3 hours but by the end i crushed. I couldn't focus properly, and without having a clear time goal i just felt guilty for not doing more. Is a cycle of stress and misery- exactly what happened in NL. I felt so drained that i had to force myself to do little things here and there. I speak with her every night. I enjoy it. I worry that she will get tired of me sooner or later but she thinks the same. We are making clear plans for the future and increasing intimacy and feeling more relaxed around each other each day so is pretty good. I estimate we'll see each other face to face at the beginning of May. This habit of worrying of rejection has been reinforced for years and years. I believe that having high and unrealistic expectations is a form of protecting my weak self esteem. I cant stand my mom lately. Since two weeks after I met her. She disgusts me with her miserable marriage and life. To even give me advice. Like I got in an argument with my father and my mom almost rolled her eyes at me. After my father left she spoke very slow that I shut rather shut up than standing up for myself and trying to reason with him. She says i should do what she does: I should shut up and learn to not get affected by his insults and words. Lol. I got so upset - wtf are you telling me? That’s where this behaviour led you. Than she bragged how she is making progress in handling my father's insults on a daily basic. Like is some kind of improvement. I cant comprehend how she came to be like this.

I am even better. But still have indigestion and seldomly cough. She encouraged me to ask my family for a few days off work. This will solve this cold hopefully but i feel like an asshole for them doing my shifts. Studied finally more today. I am behind schedule. I emailed a professor to ask clarification regarding what we actually have to study. Is harder now, because i am just feeling butterflies and thinking of her often. I just lay in bed like a potato. I kept speaking with her each night. I observe my behaviour with judgment. I think that i need to be very good at this without putting the work in. Is unrealistic. My professors didn't manage even one online class after a week in quarantine. Some of them literally just scanned pages from their books and sent them to us with lazy notes at the bottom withw what they actually want from us to study. How lazy can you be? I have to buy a present for my father but everything is closed now. Cooked some roasted veggies but they taste horrible because of the sesame oil. The soil of my seedlings is still drying. Oof. I water them i dont know what's the problem.

Yesterday, when i was coughing i felt like puking. I also had indigestion. Today i feel better.

We spoke each night since then. Last night we spoke until 6am. The conversation flowed. I enjoyed it. Lots of teasing. Due to this quarantine we had to speak on the phone more than actually seeing each other so some very interesting and deep conversations resulted. It seems we get closer each time we speak. I feel her loosening up. We spoke more of us as a relationship. I was glad. I am still anxious of ruining everything but i am more transitioning to a state of whatever happens i don't care. I advanced over my initial goal of just asking her out - what i make to happen from now on is just bonus. Her last boyfriend fractured her rib just last January after breaking up 2 years ago. Lol. I thought - what if i get in conflict with this guy? I avoid standing up against another dude for a girl like the plague. But i remembered that if this happens i will just move on and do it better next time. All i want is experience.

I am coughing again, much worse than before. My whole family expect mom does. I don't have fever. Three cases of corona have been announced in the apartment complex next to our business.

Finally submitted my folder today. I told to the Erasmus office that neither the responsible of Erasmus for my faculty or secretaries replayed to me. She contacted this professor; he replayed very upset. He is the one who calls us dumb for not applying for this programme, yet he isn't willing to help me to do just that. I assume he replayed only because his reputation was on the line. Just said thanks and shut up. Is not in my advantage to try to reason with him. She asked me on Tuesday night how am I. I was so happy and couldn't resist not smiling. I reacted like a child. It was so sweet to observe myself acting like this. I read again the last message i sent her: i will speak with you when you get back (after the quarantine, 2 weeks). Which made sense why she would think i don't want to speak with her in this time. Anyways, ignored her messaged like she did. Until Wednesday night when she asked my help with the online krav maga class scheduled. I replayed to her and she asked me again how am i. I avoided to answer and dealt strictly with the problem she had. The online class started before i responded. After, i asked her if she wants to make a video call. We spoke for three hours. It was nice. I got new glimpses about my true nature. It seems i am interested in her, as a new person in my life but in the back of my head i don't really care about her life. I am still trying to understand this. She told me found upsetting that i have no info about me on facebook. I told her how much i dislike to think that strangers would judge my life and i wouldn't even know. And she was intrigued about me because she didn't really knew much about me from online. Interesting. Me, in return just stalked the shit out of her profile last week ahahha.

The driving school is in quarantine for two weeks! Lol just when i almost had my first driving lesson. I started to learn the signs and laws via an app. I am still used to studying after 20:00. My shift was in the morning today, so i spent the rest of the day just sitting in bed, eating, watching Contagion (2011) and thinking of her. I am very bored. I am drinking too much to deal with my emotions. I want to feel numb more and more. Nobody is answering at university. I have no idea if we still have time for submission or not. The erasmus office said the submission schedule is the same but the people i have to contact aren't answering my emails and calls. My seedlings arent doing great either.