Everyday

Sorry to hear this man

So i messaged her on Saturday morning. Sunday afternoon was the worst. Got better on Tuesday night. When we broke up we spoke about hooking up when she returns in the city, just for sex no personal discussions. Anyways, i felt happy with this arrangement, since i thought she'll return next year around March. But when i spoke with her on Saturday she said she might return sooner. Since then i got more and more thoughts about her, imagining scenarios how we'll get back together and so on. It was so hard for days to block those thoughts. So i decided to not have sex with her when she returns, and i am quite sure it wont happen anyways. I realised that i don't see sex just for what it is, but i see a way to prove her i am motivated and i have changed and basically get approval. But i still know we aren't right for each other. I am not giving my self time to heal if i have hope. So i decided on Tuesday i wont do it no matter what. And so interesting that since then i stopped thinking of her so often. And when i do..... i feel sad and desperate that... i wont find another girl. I got comfortable with her even if i knew i'm not happy. I wanted to end the relationship anyways. So fascinating how i was hiding facing my dating fears thinking i dont need to bother with being single just yet. Not quite. Lol. Really interesting.. I feel i want to show myself i can get same emotions with someone else. That i don't need to ever be miserable again. I want to show myself i can meet my relationship needs with someone else.

Thanks a lot! I thought of this and i see your point now Thanks for your kind words. What happened in your case? if you are willing to share of course I thought more and more about what i want in life. Haven't done it in months. I see i forgot what i wanted and just focused everything on this relationship and expected to get everything i need from it. I really lost touch with myself...

Late at night she replayed with just one message compared with a few which i sent. I replayed to that and she seen my answer. I got into a rabbit hole of insecurity, doubt, questioning my value and wroth and so on. Just because the way i thought of the reasons behind her reaction. Now i am thinking more and more and i am at base one again. I will keep going. It was a mistake to txt her and i wont keep doing it. That's what i want anyways. It will take a few days to go back at my old motivation levels an is ok.

I see now how much i wanted to prove to many people that i can have a relationship. So at the very beginning i was very anxious to loose my first relationship so i kept going and going, pleasing her and walking all over my own needs. I was proud to tell to my family and friends i have a GF. To speak with them about my relationship, to say ''im going to see her tonight'' and ''im speaking with her atm''. I got called gay by family and friends for not having a gf, i got ridiculed by so many people for not having a gf i just wanted to compensate for my past. I wanted to prove to everyone there is nothing wrong with me that i was eager to accept almost any behaviour from a girl just to be together. I still am. Funny i didn't see it right away. Wow. I realised that when i think about a relationship i focus first if she wants to be with me, if i am good enough for her, i she'll accept me, regardless of my own likes and criteria. Last year i rejected that girl from high school i met a few times with because i was so anxious my friends and family will make fun of me for being with her. And didn't like her that much either but i didnt go out with her anymore. Wow. So much insecurity. But i was totally ok with this gf, even if we had much much less in common because i thought the others will like her.

Do you know what's really funny? That i didn't get any insane boost of motivation in 7 months together! I even started to get less and less motivation because i would compare myself consciously and unconsciously with her level motivation. No person in the world can make me do anything no matter how hard they try if i don't make an effort myself! All my life i waited to get other people's skills and motivation by being around them without doing anything myself. It never worked.

update: 17oct20, Saturday Last few days i blocked each thought about her as soon as i caught myself. Slowly, i felt my motivation returning to me. Very strange. I had energy to do errands and work on myself like i haven't in months. This morning i woke up and got afraid she'll think im an asshole if i dont ask her how her week was like, if they accepted her conditions of resignation. And i asked her even if i knew im after the approval she might give me for messaging. So a few hours later she responds and we kept texting about her work and then the conversation got more flirty. I felt so happy and cant say why. Was it because i thought her responding is a sign of approval? I have no idea. Really dont know. I felt so so happy and cheerful afterwards. Since then i kept thinking of her and imagining how we'll get back together even if i know now more than ever we aren't good for each other! After a few hours i felt less and less good. Started wondering if she'll replay to the rest of my messages. Wanted to get another and another message to feel so good again. Felt resentful after some time. After a few more hours i felt unmotivated and couldn't control not thinking of her. I guess my mind thinks that since is so easy to feel good around her why bother to do hard work? The satisfaction from that will come harder. So i just sent a message and that's it? Dopamine? It seems so and it was like this since we got together. It wasn't even very intimate talk or smth deeper. It was so simple i was amazed. Do i need that little from a relationship to feel good? Am i confusing happiness with love? It was easier to get dopamine from speaking with her, texting and seeing her than to run errands, study, work harder and so on. Wow. After a few more hours i started to wonder why she isn't replaying and just got into the rabbit hole. I thought all kinds of things from not caring of me to being ignored and so on. And it was exactly like this when we were together all the time, especially in the end. And after that i would get needy and resentful that she didn't respond earlier even if i knew she's busy. I should have blocked those thoughts. It was really exhausting.

Realised many things since we broke up: I realised i stopped doing/ delayed spending time with my family, doing what i liked and other chores to spend more time with her or thinking of her. I had way less motivation to do errands than i have now, because in comparison it wasn't so fun. I see i wanted to run away from my problems spending time with her was a way to do so that i wanted to prove to my past self i can get a gf that i loved receiving affection, love and approval from her rather than loved her as a person. and i was so desperate to get that that i kept and kept the relationship going even if i wasn't really ok that i tried to compensate for my lack of motivation by being with her, hoping i will get motivated too. that i miss the affection and love i got not miss her as a person that i reacted like a nut when she said she's thinking if she wants to be with me or not because i was gravitating between hope and desperation. it was very very toxic. that i felt guilty i started this relationship with her when she needed support and had life and career problems because i felt i cant live her like that. that i have to stay and help her. that i didnt get in for a serious relationship like she did

Feel happy and relieved each time i remember we broke up. What can i do? get in another relationship and not make those mistake again, keep learning. She told me what it bothered her about being with me and i wrote all down. Still bothers me i made so many mistakes but she did too. She was a difficult person with many problems and i couldn't bear her baggage anymore. I wanted her approval bad but wasn't happy. I wished a girl to have sex and spent time with not a serious relationship. Really happy the probability to find someone like her are very small. A month ago i forgot why i got in the relationship in the first place and lost my shit when she said she is thinking if she wants to be with me anymore or not. Why? Because i thought smth is wrong with me, that my self esteem was at stake, her opinion about me. I cried a few times, i had no appetite, was sad, moody and thought about it all the time. So most emotions about this break up got consumed over the span of this month. Plus, i don't want to drink again to get over her. If I abstained last month 100% i can do it now. I want to get over her asap, don't want to keep thinking of her and keep thinking of her. I will read some resources about how to get over a break up tomorrow. Looking to get in another relationship and this scares me. Where will i find another girl? What should i do? I was single for years ahahah. Will be fine. Any advice you'd like to give? I am curious what you think about this break up if you read the last pages of this journal so far. Feel free to write me

Met with her a few hours ago and she told me she wants to break up. We talked and both agreed to break up. I feel relieved and happy. Here starts my 1st break up. For me it started as an opportunity to get relationship and sex experience- later it developed into me craving her approval. So in order to keep her with me i started pretending and showing her this perfect BF which stressed the shit out of me. I concealed most of my toxic impulses and was so stressed all the time, even just sending a message to appear warm and caring enough. Now i feel relieved. Like a huge weight off my chest. She was surprised i didnt react worse but i never wanted to keep this relationship, just wanted to not get my self esteem hurt, wanted to please her so bad for approval, that i ignored i wasn't happy with her. Why did i get from this relationship? More experience than i expected as my goal was to begin the relationship. I was really desperate and still am. Glad i learned so much. I am indeed an asshole and a toxic bf. Going to be better from now on. I'm concerned i craved her approval so much. I need to improve my self esteem. I am bothered i made mistakes and she changed her opinion on me now, i want her to like me even if i knew from the beginning I don't find her very good for me. And bothered me she said again i should care more about my career. I know she's right.

Posted my situation with my GF on reddit. Everyone thought i am a toxic boyfriend. Read some articles about toxic relationships and turns out i am toxic. I have to change my behaviour so that i wont run into the same mistake again in future relationships. BTW- spoke with her yesterday about our relationship. She told me i love you by her own initiative two days ago. Finally, she said she got over my mistake because she have seen in the last 3 weeks that i am really sorry and didn't act on purpose. She told me she reacted that bad because she wanted to be sure i wont make the same mistake again. Still hard to copprehend and admit how bad was this situation for her too. I understand a little more that not keeping my promises to her was a huge mistake more so that she had abusive BF before me and she is very careful. I see now better that is toxic to get upset for stupid reasons. And especially to get upset again after i promised i wont do it again. Also, she also got over it because i agreed to have a long distance relationship and she knows is a compromise for me. She said she's still afraid it will happen again. That a lot of problems happened in the same time we argued and it was way too much. She said she's sorry if i thought she's taken me as a fool and she didn't want me to think she's playing with me. That she knows i have gone through horrible weeks. I will stay with her and learn to control my impulses and experience how long distance relationships are like. Still don't see myself with her in the long run. Still afraid i wont find another and don't want to see her with someone else. I want to see how long i can go without making the same problem. My goal is to pass three months. Hope she will trust me again like before even if i don't see myself with her long term. Hope i can get motivated by her drive to push things harder in my life too. I am insecure and want her approval again

A week after our fight she told me she loves me but is hard for her to say it. After a week she told me she cares of me and didn't get over it. At the beginning of this week she said she loves me but is hard for her to say it. From that day didn't tell her I love you or i miss you and was colder. After a few days of treating her like this she told me last night she loves and misses me without me saying it first or smth. I laughed and said what a surprise. She asked me to say it too because is our 7 months anniversary. Really said she is getting warmer as i am getting fad up with her behaviour. She even said she'll come next weekend to visit me since she doesn't want to end the relationship just because she's moving back home. She already negotiated with her mom to let her spent NYE with me even if her mom hates me now- i wanted to say is too early idk if we'll be together until then. I thought how stupid my mom is for being with my father who never admits his own mistakes when they have a fight. I would never thought i will be that stupid to be in a relationship with a conceited person, actually worse than my father. Never thought i will love her. I see i am no smarter than my mom...

Her job resignation got accepted. Next week is her last day. So she will go home since her university is online. I said okay whatever is good for you. But obviously I'm not ok with this. Spoke again with my siblings again. I see more clearly that isnt ok to end a relationship because some argument. That is her problem too. Funny my brother's gf said who the fuck she thinks she is? To treat you like that and not getting over some argument. And she's right. How can we have a relationship if she breaks up so easily? And he said what i knew deep down, that she is exactly like my father, cant see his own faults. But she's worse actually. I dont want to be with a person who resembles him and i knew it from the beginning. Told them i am upset because i spent 3 weeks trying to make her forgive me and just wasted time. Brother said is ok im learning. And that now, that i am a little colder she seems more concerned she'll loose me than when i was nice. My brother said that's how things work but i really thought if i keep being there for her and i am sweet she'll get over it. Apparently wont. I see now i shouldn't not have put her happiness before mine. That isnt ok she puts all this pressure on me even if shes the one who cant get over my mistake regardless how hard i tried. That she is manipulating me. I wouldnt tolerate the thought that she will fuck someone else if i break up with her. But is normal and i have to accept she'll move on; I'll do to. I am just desperate i wont find someone else. I should relax and if this relationship is going to survive so be it. Brother said wtf she needs to get over? I didnt cheat her; is just and argument. He said she is toxic for me. That i deserve a calmer girl. That isnt worth it if i am the only one trying. They asked me again if i see myself with her in the future. i said no! i am 100%of this. than he said to break up now since he sees me consuming myself so much and being miserable. I decided to wait until she leaves to make a choice. I said i see myself as stupid for agreeing to wait for her, seeing each other once a month and stuff until next year in spring when the semester begins and maybe will be at uni. They said they dont see the point for me to have a long distance relationship if i dont want to be with her for longer really. I just needed to hear all of this.

i updated the last entry in this journal about my relationship. updates: had the driving exam last week and i failed. going to have the next one in november. started uni online. i hate it. very boring and i realised i cant use this degree to get a job. what i am interested about horticulture isnt studied in university. i started a facebook ads course. i am still lazy and is going slow. i want to get a job at an ad agency and stop working for my parents. did more experiments with plants etc last few weeks. still isnt enough

Since this entry i kept feeling everything from hope and despair. Three weeks later she didn't get over it. I realized is her problem. She's too pretentious and too radical about that mistake. I made a mistake but is not ok to be treated like this. She told me she loves me but then she just cares but she loves me etc. just a contradictory rollercoaster of explanations. Tried to speak about it again and she got upset and whatever i said and did was my fault. Seemed she saw faults in everything i said. I just couldn't wait to leave from her place last two times... I feel i am played and manipulated. On our way to her place last time i passed by HS. Found myself in a relationship i am not happy with but too afraid to leave again. But this time is worse since is a romantic relationship not friends. I hate myself for staying with people like them. In the car she kept talking and she told me things made me more convinced to break up. Spoke with my siblings about the whole situation first time ever. Only my sister knew a little. And they both said she took advantage that i care of her, that i should move on, that i am letting her treat me like she wants, that she is overreacting and should have got over it already. Brother said she will keep acting like this and worse. That the relationship is over. They are right. I gave her way too much attention and appolgized way too much. Three weeks later she still didnt get over it. And instead of being colder i just got warmer and warmer to the point of humiliation hoping to make amends for my mistake. But is her fault shes so drastic. The more i try to fix things the worse it gets. Going to be colder and colder. I am tired. This whole situation drains me. Now, when we speak i am worried what to say because she complains whatever i say. Cant talk with her about this problem because she flips. Wish i didnt care. I imagined someone else going through my situation. I thought what a stupid dude! Move on! Realised i am afraid i wont find another gf. That i am desperate and that's why i clanged on a girl liking me. I would tell to that person exactly what it everyone else told me. I realised i care way too much of how she sees me than i care of myself. I just want to please her.

Oh man..... it was a a horrible week, an emotional rollercoaster. It never was so miserable in my life. We met eventually, two days later than it was initially discussed. Those two days of waiting, especially the one before we met f2f it was hell. Couldn't focus on anything but get distracted of doubts, thoughts, overanalysing every single gesture and message, getting from hope to despair in a matter of hours. I felt strong urges to drink but i resisted. I have no idea how. I drank for less before. Long story short she forgave me but said she needs time to get over it. Being cold is and was an act. It scared me how she got from behaving cold to warm to the other. I realised i need her more than she needs me. I was smart to wait and not make another stupid nonsense outburst of complaints. We spoke every day since i posted the message. Apparently, she forgave me otherwise she wouldn't have spoke with me daily even if she was cold and distant. To be honest i wasn't sure. She said if she didn't want to continue the relationship she would have blocked me right after we argued. Her parents criticised her for choosing me as her boyfriend. They said she made a bad choice and other stuff. Be the end of the days i waited for her response i realised i dont want to be for years and years with her. That probably i should have taken advantage of the argument and left her- i will.. eventually. I realised i dont like many things at her and so on. I realised i am feeding my insecurities with her acceptance of me. Is very toxic. I am tolerating her and changing myself for her to get more and more of her approval. When she said i disappointed her i felt an urge to prove her wrong. Is toxic. Even if i wanted her back i see now it would have been better for me long term if we broke up. I was also afraid to be alone again. I see i care more of what she thinks of me than my own happiness. It's not good... On our 1st date, when she told me about her abusive ex i knew she isn't what i want. But i got surprised by the attention and affection she gave me, never got this from anyone before. I learned so much in the last 6 months. I feel stupid i didnt end it now. I will eventually, what good to delay? Working on this. Is so damn hard man. I am trying to do courses on facebook ads and start applying for a job in this domain in the following months. The fear of loosing and disappointing her is stronger than the motivation of doing what i like as a job. Oh and the underlying reason for her complaints about my lack of purpose: told her i might leave to work abroad in 3 years. And that she felt used. Like after 3 years i will get rid of her or smth. And that she needs stability. She doesn't know if i will leave or not. She ended another relationship because they chose to study in different cities. I knew right after she told me i will have to tell her i wanna leave but i stil l want to be with her some more time. The things i dont like about her behaviour and personality.. will only get worse in the following months. I know i didnt make the right choice long term but...

Hey I started a fight/argument with my GF last Sunday, a few days ago... It was my fault i got angry about some stupid shit and made a scene- again. Is the second time i get angry and overreact before hearing her explanations. I ignored her when she needed my help. Long story short she is pondering whether she wants to be with me or not. She said she had enough, the problem is that is the second time is happening and she has no guaranties i wont get angry and overreact on some small stuff again. She said what if she will have another big problem and i wont be there for her... I barely messaged her after we argued on Monday. we spoke a little on Wednesday but not about our fight. Called her a few hours ago and realised how much damage i have done. She also complained about my lack of motivation and purpose. And all she said was true, i knew it deep down but lied and made myself to forget over and over. Hack, not long after that conversation that my mind already made me forget about it. I cried when this flux of bottled emotions and worries hit me. And the more i thought the more i wanted to write about each detail about my lack of motivation, drive and motivation. But wouldn't want to do the work. I actually got upset on her for reminding me this- i am a mess. Now, i want to be sad, moody and write a lot about this subject across all categories of my life. Anything but actually taking action for my future, what i want from life and so on...

hey I'll start swimming lessons this Thursday. Going to search for a place to do kinetotherapy treatment for my back. Got my first two emails back from the companies i emailed some time ago for the 1st internship. i am helping them with sales. I am learning. Looks exciting. My hemp plant is producing lots of seeds. I am so happy. Stared making kombucha last week. I am so excited! I already got a new SCOBY

Passed the exam with a good grade. I am going to take the driving test on the streets on the 24th of September That weekend was really cool. It was nice. We spoke about my desire to leave in 3 years again. She was pissed this time. I missed swimming and the beach. Told her things i thought i will never tell her: that i liked her since we first time met at krav but didnt ask her out because i was afraid of rejection. Initially told her that i compare myself with her exes, that i wonder if i am good in bed, whether they were better, etc that that's my first actual relationship and i dont know how to act sometimes. Is all new for me. that i was afraid she will leave me when she figures out i dont have sex and relationship experience, that i was afraid to bang her for not satisfying her good enough that she'll leave me told her i had sex with a girl once, four years ago and i didnt satisfy her and she criticised me for this. that since then i was really afraid to have sex again for not finding myself in the same position. These confessions made me feel closer to her. she told me how many girls would want me because i am tender, caring, etc. i didnt see myself as someone good enough for a relationship she said i deserve smth better than her, that she is afraid some girl with steal me from her because i am a good boyfriend. that i am good in bed and satisfy her; that she likes i put her first and im attentive to her needs and treat her well. that she always had a problem of comparing herself with her exes' past girlfriends. but with me, being my 1st she feels unique- never saw the situation like this. This week i turned 22! I passed my 1st year of university I am still insecure about not having more sex and relationship experience in general. But i got got practice during the almost 6 months together with my GF. The thing that bothers me the most is my low motivation, not being productive and postponing tasks soo much man. I want to change this now... My sis asked me what i want to achieve this year: i want to do tasks faster, get driver id and keep my relationship with GF.

Told her this last night. She didn't jump or start an argument. Just said i didn't want to stress you about it. She gave me some deadlines to finish reading etc- immediately i felt resentful and mean. She told me how she passed her exam before she was 18, 3 years ago bla bla. Didn't like hearing that again. Felt insecure and envious. She is trying to help me but i get surprised by my thoughts. I have to calm down or i would behave well with her. My first instinct and thoughts are to be mean most of the time. I wonder if this is who am I ..... I going to take the written driving exam this Friday, before we leave for the weekend to the beach. Passed the simulation exams with indulgence and minimum grade. Went through all curriculum and doing tests now. Making progress, compared with a few months and weeks ago i am finally passing most of them, even if it's with minimum grades. I went with my gf to drive and i got really upset on myself and on her. She raised her voice at me for not driving well and resembled my father... I hated that. I dont want to be in a relationship with my father. I couldn't help but worry i will fail the exam, get upset i dont learn faster and be envious that she got her driver id way before me. I thought i am weak for being soo soft and struggling with this. When i was 18 i wouldn't even dare to learn to drive. i didn't believe i could do it. At least now i am trying. So i decided i will stop bitching and asking her for help with driving. I get super angry and upset and is just damaging our relationship. I cant control it. I will deal with it myself

We had this discussion and it was much better than last time. She said '' i am going to have you just for three years, aren't I?, well ok than''. She said she understands i am doing this for my career. I am sure she would do the same. She wasn't angry anymore- i was surprised. She asked me what i am going to do with her when i leave- i said honestly i don't know; I didn't expect you meet someone like you yet....... Not sure how much of what i said is true or BS. But i am sure i am inexperienced and immature.

Told her this last night. She didn't jump or start an argument. Just said i didn't want to stress you about it. She gave me some deadlines to finish reading etc- immediately i felt resentful and mean. She told me how she passed her exam before she was 18, 3 years ago bla bla. Didn't like hearing that again. Felt insecure and envious. She is trying to help me but i get surprised by my thoughts. I have to calm down or i would behave well with her. My first instinct and thoughts are to be mean most of the time. I wonder if this is who am I ..... Some days i feel in love and some days i just want space. Sometimes these kinds of feelings change after hours, days or sooner. She had more partners than me, so i am insecure and ask to many questions in bed sometimes. I watched many vids and read articles online to get better. But it is frustrating, at times. Not sure if she really enjoys or is just faking it sometimes. Does she likes all of it? Feels like a new language i have to learn. I see her getting wet,, aroused but i am still suspicious. She said she was never so invested emotionally as she's with me in her previous relationships. That she loves how caring and tender i am with her. That she was never asked what she enjoys in bed. I wonder why. She said she used to be cold in relationships. Sex was just sex. I wonder how she hasn't had a BF like me before? She had several but none like me? I mean is it true? How are other people in relationships? She said once that she wont be able to keep me. Another, that i will get so annoyed with her i ll break up. Didn't know what to say to be honest. I said this will never happen. It took her some time to open up about some of her traumas. I am curious sometimes what happened, the whole stories. But from selfish reasons, of comparing myself with them. I always tell only if she feels ok to. This made her trust me for not pushing her. To tell you the truth i dont see the big deal of her traumas. But neither she does about mine. I worry she will see me as weak if i open up to her about for example being bullied. I am trying this thing i saw in a tv series, to let go of overthinking and re-living past mistakes, regrets, bad memories and so on. The more i tell myself x thing is over, move on! Forget about it! Pretend it never happened!- the more i realise how much time i waste re-living those memories and how much it affects my wellbeing. Living in the past is not easy.

She appolgized a lot for that. She said she was overwhelmed by tasks and wanted to deal with them alone. She kept me at distance during that week. Now, things are better. We are going to the beach in two weeks. She asked me what i wanna do with my degree. At first i didn't understand what was she actually talking about. The elephant in the room is that i want to leave the country in three years. She said she doesn't want to love me just for three years. I said i dont want to speak about this at the moment. The truth is that i cant get a job in my country in my field of interest. I will leave anyways to be honest. So we are celebrating 5 months together at the end of this week. We still haven't had sex even if we see each other physically for 3 months. Long story short (she told me most of it last night) is that her ex injured one of her ovaries over a year ago when he find out she wants to break up with him. She still has problems since then. Her results came yesterday. Her gynaecologist told her she will bleed and have lots of pain the first time we bang. We see if she's ok afterwards. This will be next Friday. I haven't smoke weed in 7 months. WOW. I would like some now. I feel ok without it i guess. Noticed my mind is clear at some degree, i can see what is bothering me even if is hard to deal with the problem itself. My father spent recklessly again. I paid to make new glasses from my own money. Dude that was so expensive. I dont have much money left. I will also do a MRI for my back. I have been having pain for around 3 years. I didn't do proper recovery exercises because my father said it isn't important and refused to pay for it. Now, i will use my money for it. Cant reason with him. Still barely doing anything. Haven't drove a car on the street for three weeks. I am so ashamed of my laziness. I spoke about it with her. She said i need to find motivation within. I found it. I am resisting to even thing about it. Is too much man. I wish she would help me more. Is so hard to even open the book.. never been like this before about anything else. IDK how to deal with it. Havent checked other journals around here for over a month. Made me feel better about myself. I havent checked my HS facebook account in 4 months i guess. I feel better, much better. I wanted to badly a few weeks ago.

Going there next Wednesday. i am excited. Went there a few times. Really cool. First time i just got super angry on myself for not studying more about the subject and running my own experiments. Felt horrible. I am not better weeks later. I feel so much resistance man...... i am watching tv series all day again. With some breaks for work, preparing for the driving exam, garden, chores. i even watch tv series a work sometimes.

The Erasmus office said we should postpone signing the papers till next year because it doesn't make sense to prepare so early. The company said is ok. I don't like this. I don't have any certainty they won't change their minds until next summer... I am unbelievably happy that i finished my 1st year of university. Last week i read messaged from my colleagues, the ones who failed some courses, pleading for help. I remembered last year and how i was in a worse position than some of them.... I am so satisfied of not having to worry about university anymore. I passed and that's it. Finished driving school. Preparing for the exam. And resisting so much to study for it. I get so angry and so frustrated.... Went with her three weeks ago in the mountains. it was nice. Two weeks ago i went to meet her parents for a weekend in her town. Didnt see her last week at all. She was ''busy''. To be honest i dont know if that's true or not. She barely responded to my messages and i was the only one trying to contact her. I didnt like that. Getting overwhelmed often by destructive, revengeful, mean and childish thoughts regarding her. I have to be alone to calm down. And when the storm is over i see only stupid reasons behind my feelings and negative emotions.