Everyday

Cooked again after a week or so. Tomorrow is my last day of university this year. Have some homework left to do. I feel scared of how much free time i will have and that i might waste all of it I thought of watching some tv series to entertain myself. I lost hope at some degree that i can change my life sooner. Seems i am going nowhere atm. I feel disappointed of myself again. Ooooooof. I have a horrible habit of giving up and daydreaming. How could I? The only way out of this rut is hard work. Getting used to the new Kegels exercises is uncomfortable.

I have seen improvements from not drinking and smoking weed this year. I drank 2-3 times but not got drank and smoked once. and i got a more clear mind, especially for not drinking. But i still got my mind cluttered with music, fapping and tv series. I didn't feel like listening to music all day yesterday and had a more clear mind. Very interesting.

This Sunday i celebrated 3 weeks of doing kegels 3 times a day, everyday. From Monday i added a new exercise to each set. Going to do this for 2 weeks for now.

no sign. he is sick so it's normal Wed afternoon Had the exam today and passed. I was very anxious because i didn't prepare as much as i wanted for it. I took a course about facebook ads on Udemy and gone through all the facebook blueprint courses last month. Didn't find good unpaid resources to prepare for this exam. I wanted to take a higher grade. It wasn't that hard. Some people said they studied for weeks and it was hard but i don't really think. I found most answers logical. Yesterday i procrastinated a lot instead of preparing. I was extremely close to give up and watch tv series. I said again- fuck it i feel bad and is just 4-5h of episodes to watch, one hour more since i didn't give up a few days ago- but i read some notes i took on my notes and remembered myself i am trying to -------------- avoid affecting my self esteem by not studying hard and failing. i wanted to blame it for not studying than to make an effort and fail. My sis felt sick for a few days because COVID but not like my brother and I. My parents are fine. I feel better but still coughing. Passed my tests but i am not content with my results. I could have done better if i put more effort into it. Didn't have hard tests. I am back at reading about dating. I have insight after insight. Kept doing exercises for my back 4 times a week for over a month! Thanks but i dont agree with you here. I need to fix all my problems to feel better for good.

Don't feel ok today. Many things accumulated. Feeling down again about my life so far. Called him this morning. He didn't read my email because he was in quarantine himself. He didn't sound alright on the phone. He may check my email and call me tomorrow.

Wed afternoon I felt unmotivated because I emailed the company i used to visualise for weeks and got no answer from during the same week the other company called me. So, when they didn't replay my main driving force was gone and didn't realise why. I found another company now, which i am even more attracted to. I visualise working there, my colleagues, going there, etc. I find it incredibly boring to study. I have zero interest.

Nope but i emailed them today. I should have went to the interview anyways. I was stupid for not taking that chance regardless my health.. Going to have some tests for uni next week. I am not prepared at all. Last few weeks i just focused on doing courses to get a job. Now i am stressed for these tests and the upcoming exams next year. Got my certification for google analytics for beginners yesterday. Preparing for the advanced one now and after for the GAIQ: https://skillshop.exceedlms.com/student/path/2938-google-analytics-individual-qualification Going to schedule and pay for an exam for 100-101: Facebook Certified digital marketing associate: https://www.facebook.com/business/learn/certification/exams/100-101-exam What else? Oh, i felt really down, sleepy and unmotivated since i didn't get the interview. I want to deny that i lost this opportunity by watching tv series and stuff. I want to deny reality even if it wont fix a thing. It was been really hard to not bitch and give up. I know how this will fix nothing. Oh, i am reading this book about sex and i am realising that almost all free articles i found online where crap. Same for relationships. And also the free stuff most creators share online is crap compared with the paid material they offer.

No sign from them. Maybe tomorrow... Tomorrow, i am going to work for 6 hours after i finish with online classes. My family said that i recovered enough (even if i still have headaches and a runny nose). That my father is too tired after working for the last 3 days. And my mom said she doesn't want to replace him. Most probably i will get sick again not even mentioning that i am going to spread the virus even more ?. The work we do is not demanding anyways. My father is just lazy and didn't have job that required real hard work to compare it with. Obviously, after he returned from work today he complained that we sit around at home all day and do nothing while he is ''working for us''. Arguing with them led nowhere. The only solution is to get a job and stop depending on them. My family is happy the agency didn't call me- they can keep using me at work for cheap money. The free course from google i started on google analysis: https://analytics.google.com/analytics/academy/course/6/unit/2/lesson/1. Is really really good. Is better than the one i paid from udemy and i get a certification from google himself. Made three new ads for the 1st internship as i call it. I liked doing it a lot. Hope this ones get more clicks.

@fridjonk thx!

Yesterday was better. Today i only have a runny nose, coughing and light headaches. My brother is only coughing. The rest of my family is fine so far. The agency called me and asked if i can come over the office tomorrow morning...... I had to say i cant because COVID. ?‍♂️ It sucks. If i got a job months ago i would not be in this situation ?. I am waiting for them to call me tomorrow to see if they are willing to wait for me to get better or not. That's what happens when you are lazy....

So my brother got positively tasted for COVID. He felt sick, headaches and fever for 2 days but now he's better. But now i have the same symptoms. The rest of my family is fine so far. We will close the family business temporarily. Since morning i had fever, headaches and feeling like puking. Really hard to focus on finishing the Google Ads Display Certification lectures. Anyways, i will keep pushing. Really want that job

Sent 14 emails 2 days ago since i didn't get an interview from the first ones i sent a week ago. Two companies said they'll contact me when they'll be hiring. Dude from a company calls me yesterday and asks me more about my certifications and my own practice with ads. He said he wants to take me in and teach me but only full time. I declined because of uni and this morning called him that i changed my mind. I can manage my mediocre uni and a full time job, especially during the online classes. We are meeting next week for the Google Ads Display Certification Exam. Yaaaaay. He said I'll be hired if i am learning fast. Also that i need google analytics certification and another course and started them. I feel good. Cant believe is actually going to happen. I feel amazing

While i was cooking for like 40-30min i realized i thought i dont have time to cook when i was watching tv series at night. Lol. Like i had time to sit in bed and watch some crap yt video but no time for what truly matters. Lol.

About that =))))))))))))))))) I thought some more on the subject, weighted the benefits and disadvantages, so a week ago i called her and we got back together =))))))))) im not kidding=)))))) I realised i like speaking with her on the phone at some extent and makes me happy at some level. That simply speaking with her makes me happy so why not get that now? Especially that i am not going to put so much effort as i did before so i wont go overboard=))))))) And since i don't have tv series and movies in my schedule to entertain me... she cant do it now=)))))) and tv series dont give me sex so i have a bonus here=))))))))))) =))))))))) just one h every night. Works really well so far, even if annoying at times =))))))))))))) I enjoy speaking with her more than before. She is so much more relaxed since she left that job =)))))))))) And she even messages me through out the day and asks me what am i doing and tells me she misses me. Wow. And still not planning to be with her long term but so what =))))))))) All that matters is to have fun now =)))))))))) I thought she'll find out i am full of shit by now =))))))) She will even drive 3h to see me =)))) in a few weeks lol. Didn't even asked her to. Also, i realised that this relationship never truly affected my ability to grow. I mean is just one h a day speaking, right? And that i was a victim and i was waiting for the relationship to make me how i want to be. And now i see i can be productive all day regardless of what she's doing with her life. It was a stupid excuse to think she affects me in a big way. She doesn't. I am the only one who can help myself Two days ago i hit the car in traffic . I arrived home and i was productive (google course) instead of bitching and complaining. Felt so much better. I wanted to watch some movie and take it easy but i would have basically told my brain i give up. Tests are approaching. Threw away almost all plants from garden due to the last cold days. Everything got destroyed. So my hemp died

''It’s because people are not really expressing opinions, or giving truthful advice. People often don't give advice based on what works. Or even on what they believe. They give advice based on what they chose, and what makes them feel good. People defend their niche of choice because they need confirmation and reassurance that they are doing it right. ''

Wow just started another page Going tomorrow to buy some new clothes. Threw away stained and torn clothes The free google course is much better than i thought. Really like it. what else?

I loved it! It was soo awesome! It was so interesting i could be doing it for hours! Finally, today we published them. I am waiting to get approved. Send some more applications. I am getting nervous and impatient. Also, pissed for not starting these courses earlier. I could have got a job by now. And i am also pissed every day i don't find a job is another day in this dump. I hate it. I payed attention at lectures but didn't study on my own afterwards. Didn't put much energy is sales for that start-up. Don't care that much. But i want to learn so yeah.... Kept driving with my father. He kept telling me i should learn faster and stop making mistakes. I wont give up Last few days i paid more attention to how i take care of myself. Realised i am presenting myself as sloppy and indifferent. I haven't cleaned my shoes in months, my pants are ratty and so on. I dont like this and kept pushing it for later instead of dealing with it.

I loved it! It was soo awesome! It was so interesting i could be doing it for hours! The company i was visualising being accepted at didn't replay to my message yet. Another one, said they aren't looking atm to hire I will reframe my inquiry as an internship/practice proposal. Thus, i might get hired eventually. My CV in this domain sucks atm. I started a 40h free course made by google on digital marketing. I am looking to what i can do more. I have so much energy and i am wasting it every day. Fapped last two days. Felt tired, especially in the morning. I paid as much attention at the lecture this morning. Finished an assignment.

Just finished it last night! I m waiting for google to send me the code from my parent's business location. I have two weeks to wait. I didn't know i have to wait.... I wanted to do ads asap before applying I am meeting with one of the owners from first start-up/internship today to help with with some ads. Crafting some messages now to send to a few agencies. Also, polishing my CV. I am anxious now. I really want this job. I am so much more interesting in ads now. I hope for the best. Received the scholarship for the last two months finally

Yesterday i got a message from her stating that she came to the city just to see me, that she hopes no body influenced me to say no and that i gave her false hope by agreeing to meet. I was confused. I called her turns out she thought i was over her and vice versa, that she didn't actually break up with me but it was more like a break, she appolgized (wow) and is sorry for loosing me, that she thought she is hurting me because her busy job and not being always available, that the sex opportunity was just to have a door back to me for reconciliation, that every week she wanted to say she's sorry, that she broke up with me because she felt she's doing me more harm than good, that we both had communication problems and she appolgized for waiting until she couldn't take it anymore to tell me what bothered her, etc. I told her that i am better since we broke up and i don't wish to get back together. I stated that we are over for good, there is no window for us to get back and i wish both of us to move on and never speak with each other. I am glad we finished on a better note than last time. I was tempted to get back but i just cant and don't truly want to if i would listen to my higher self, as Rendheaven says . It would end in another breakup later on. I still do not wish a long term relationship with her. Letting her go is the best for both of us. I want to focus on myself and the root problems and unsolved issues that made me be with her in the first place. I did not have the knx and strength to let her go a month ago. But i finally did it and it feels better to know there is no way back. I should have let her go sooner but i did not understand my own reasons behind our relationship so i was unable to change.

love that!

I felt that i am stupid for not wanting to be with her again even if it would not make me happy. I thought that i am not good enough to meet other girls. This is not an excuse to stay in a relationship (i was not aware of this after the first big argument we had and i bent backwards to make her forgive me). I made a list of all the things i need to improve. Started yesterday night.

About that.... It was supposed to be this weekend. Logistical problems since she was staying at her father and i stay with my family. I felt like crap after messaging her and i just decided to say pass to sex for the greater good of my own well being long term. Since she said that, i kept thinking that we will get back together even if that's not what i want at all. I just needed to let go and move on. I couldn't do this when the possibility of sex was there. Also, i thought of the insecurity and anxiety i would feel if she might call me next year for sex or not. I would think that at any day she might message me if she didn't find a new guy. This would have been way too much stress. For weeks i thought i am helpless, that i have no other option than to do it with her. That i would be dumb to refuse and that there is very hard to find a new girl and that it will take a long time until a girl would like me again. I thought is my only way to learn to be better at relationships and sex... but i read half of the book sex god and realised how many mistakes i have made and i was like lol... i don't need her to motivate me and not even to get better at sex. lol. I didn't learn in a few months of sex what i learned from 2h reading that book. Same for relationship knowledge. All in need to do is read. So she said she'll call me when she finishes work in the city and we'll figure smth out. I felt like the stupidest man alive for wanting to see her. It was clear i need to let it go. Two hours ago I messaged her that is best we don't see each other today at all nor in the future even if i will get over her eventually. I said: I am still caring of you and i imagine we will get back together if we see each other now. That isn't good for either of us. I hope you understand She deleted two messages and i didn't have the chance to read them. Then she said you aren't the only one who feels like this, that's why i wanted to see you and maybe you are right and its best we let it go. Then, she said is best i didn't see her messages and we will get over each other faster because i didn't read them. WTF? she wanted to get back with me? I was miserable. She complained of all the things she didn't like about me and so on. She complained about my inexistent career and lack of motivation in life, working for my parents and not doing anything to change it, being too needy and immature, not keeping promises, getting angry before listening to her explanations, not trying harder to get a job in ads as i wanted and not being driven in general. Why would she want to be with me again? Why? I thought it was clear she is over with me. I thought she forgot about me shortly after. I am confused. What she sees in me because from what she said, i thought she is done with me forever. What reason would she have to want me again? WTF! I would not have been with me a month ago. I was needy, lazy, complacent, indifferent and miserable. I was stupid. I was dependent on her to take care of me. I was expecting from her to fix my problems. To teach me what to do in bed and behave in a relationship. I knew i am unhappy but didn't make any effort to change smth. i was indifferent to my lifestyle. i lost hope. Seeing her achieve goals and work hard made me doubt myself and feel helpless. I thought i cant do the same for my own life. Why would she want that is beyond my understanding especially that it would be a long distance until she returns??????? Why would she want to be with me again if she had so many complaints??? I am really confused. I thought that sex isn't worth it just for the stress, anxiety, annoyance and so much more shit i endured in the last few months. Just no. Self respect would drop like crazy, especially that i was unhappy for so long. I care more of achieving my own goals now, then to have a little sex. The effort isn't worth it. Getting back and proving her i can change just for approval is stupid. Being with her out of fear of not finding another is stupid. Being with her to not be single is stupid. Being with her because this would make her happy but not yourself is stupid. Staying with a person to feel that you are a valuable and enough person is toxic. Is misery. I should have had a break up sooner. Her approval, wont truly make me become the person i want to be. I am free finally, i can let it go. I see that after our 1st big fight i tried sooo hard to make her forgive me because i thought i am not good enough to be with other girl, that no other girl will like me very soon. And i thought i will be with her until some new girl will save me from this relationship. I was waiting for someone to end the relationship for me. Oof. I see that my biggest problems weren't solved during the relationship. I just tricked myself to ignore them. Here they are again, as i left them. I was waiting for years for a girl to take care of me and my problems...... No body can do it but me! Funny- i want to know what she wrote to me. And if this happened f2f i would have had a harder time telling her this. Just out of desperation and my own problems. But even if i said lets get back together i would still break up with her after some time. I wasn't happy and that's it. Better to end it now than to get in a more messy situation later on.

65% now!