Everyday

Hey Sent some messages to her. She is still cold. I felt stupid for doing that. I need to mind my own business and have more interesting stuff to do than to message her and get caught in her drama. I am waiting to talk with her this Saturday. Not sure what to expect. I am feeling resentful again. Not happy about tomorrow's test. Didn't prepare. Don't even want to think about it.

Hey That SEO girl I still staring at me. Yet, one speak to me or make the conversation going. On the other hand, the other girls from the office are asking me how am I and asking questions. I am really happy I asked her out at least. That I am not waiting for months to ask her out like I did before. It feels good to know. That I am not frustrated for months not knowing what she might say. Got my second those of vaccine yesterday. It was OK. Expected to feel worse. My hand hurts now. Not much else. Me and the girls from ppc who got hired in the same time did a google search and shopping test together. The bosses were assisting us. It was bad. They said they don't trust us wiht accounts yet because we don't know the theory very well. I felt like shit. Have a test tomorrow at uni. Came home last night and watched TV series only. Felt really bad. Have some labs I should attend to. I was at work. I should have went to uni this morning. I went to bed late because I was thinking of her. I blame myself. Woke up at 6.20 am and decided to go back to sleep. No message from her to ask how my vaccine was. I was surprised. Thought more if it was a mistake to message her. I don't know. Realized I used her as distraction to run from my life problems. Interesting. Thought I will feel much better if I am back with her. I have almost the same problems as before. I am curious what she'll say this Saturday. I am trying to be productive and not waste time and expect to fill it thinking or blaming her. I am pissed on myself for not finding a better girl and wanting to go back to my ex. Not looking forward to some aspects of our relationship. Not looking forward to wait for her to get over the fact I dumped her. I thought of telling her how frustrated I was being with her in the past. How difficult is to be with her yet I am trying. I'd like to see her doing the same thing. Maybe It will make a difference. Spoke with that couple form the 1st internship again. The room is going to be free on the 3rd of June. They said they are excited to move with them. It feels a little a scarry now that I am actually doing this. Not sure if I will move with her or not in the near future. For now, I am going forward to move alone. I am not sure how the things will be like in the next weeks and months. I am overall not liking that I have to wait for Saturday to know if she wants to be with me again or not. I am not proud of me I chose her again. I know is a mistake even if I might still love her and so on. I feel very resistant to wokr on myself. Meditated but hard to focus. Still thinking of her when I am at work. Got lost in sex fantasies. Got frustrated I am not paying attention to my tasks.

Planted after work the herbs i got yesterday. I m very proud of myself. I helped my father in the garden afterwards. I have labs at uni and i should go. Don't want to. 2 weeks of no fap. Haven't done this since last year. I feel better. I am tempted to fap and feel bad after drinking and overeating. All good at work. Focused much better. I hate spending money each day at work to buy food. Is tasty and delicious but it doesn't make me feel good i am spending so much. Prepared food from home. Very good. Around 4 got hungry. Ate some nuts and everything was fine. Thought more of her. Maybe there is more than just sex to it. Messaged her today after work. She replayed immediately. We will meet this Sunday to speak. Dont know how to feel about it. I do feel happy but also concerned of the things i dont like about her. I do feel happy but also concerned and worried. Anyhow, after i arrived home i was being lazy in my bad and thought is her fault or smth. Nonsense. I was the one wasting time. Went in the garden and felt better. I thought of telling her i feel frustrated with her at times and that i wish to live abroad in NL or BE for a few years. I might not leave or come back after a few years. But i do want to leave. We can be together until i leave. I m curious how she will take it. If she doesn't want this i will move on. On Saturday my grandma was over as well as my siblings' parters. They all looked down on me for moving from home. They looked at me like i am so stupid child. I hated the way they spoke to me. They all live with their parents. They looked with disgust i am moving with a couple just to not live with my parents at home. They made fun of me and said i will regret it. They might be envious. I guess they are. It bothers me a lot the way they behaved with me. I wish i sad something to them. I didn't defend myself much. I should have.

Woke up this morning and felt it was a mistake to want her back. I was glad I didn't message her last night when I was drunk. I am better without her. Yet, still feel bad and I am not 100% sure why. I'm not sure from which areas these feelings are coming from.

Have been drinking again. My friend said two days ago that if i am still speaking about her after one month i must still love her or smth like that. That is true. Or not. I am not sure. Thought last 2 days i should get back to her. Changed my mind over and over. We had our good times. I am sad for over a month. Maybe there is more to my ex relationship than i am willing to admit. I want her back even if i know i will be wrong in a few months. I can use my free time to do productive stuff ... even if i am still complaining about her busy schedule. Got drunk again as i am writing this. I am looking back on recorded videos of her. Thinking it was not that bad and shit. Still cant let her go apparently........ Bought new plants. Went to uni to volunteer to some event to get rid of that missed practice day a few weeks ago. It was fun. More fun than i expected. Didn't fap today. I wish i did. I feel good yet thirsty. Looking at girls asses and things like beautiful works of art. Hypnotic.

Hey Got more aromatic plants and flowers for my mom. Didn't fap today either. But god, i wanted. Maybe i just wanted to feel bad. Went swimming. Thought of my ex and how many things i dont like in my life. I noticed i keep saying stories from 2-3 years ago. I started reading the Shadow and bone books. I saw the series on Netflix and loved it. The books is soo much better and i am only at the beginning. While i was trimming the roses in my garden i got bit by smth. My left hand still hurts. It is red and swollen. Going on Tuesday to take the second vaccine dose. I am excited to move from my home. It bothers me when i meet new ppl to say i still live with my parents at home. Also, i want more freedom. I while i was running errands in the city today i felt afraid i wont another girl to love me because i dont have a ton of sex and relationship experience. Had other reasons as well. I thought no oder girl will want and love me and i have no choice now, but to get back with my ex. I felt good about it. If i am still thinking of her maybe i did truly love her in my way. I do not know. I thought that she loves me and i miss her telling me how much i mean for her. Arrived home and thought more about it. Realised that is not ok for long term. Yes, i feel lonely and i miss sex, being tender and having a gf. But that is not a reason to get back with her. After some time i felt guilty and trapped - like i already got back with her - thinking that that is my life now until next year. That i will meet a new girl than - magically. That some white knight girl will save me from everything and make my life amazing. I think i am using wanting to get back together to post-pone my life progress and avoid dealing with meeting new girls. I avoid dealing with my fears of dating by getting back with my ex. Even if i just wrote everything i still feel like i already am stuck with her. That i have to shut up for another year to get love from her. I realised that being loved in a relationship is not everything. Last 6 months i was still frustrated she doesn't spend more time with me and that she is all the time busy even if she loved me. So i would end up in the same spot after just one year. I am happy that in the end i didnt message her.

That was because after i arrived home i watched tv series and nothing else. I didnt do anything productive. Yesterday, i arrived home and worked in the garden. I was so happy. After dark i got drunk and watched tv series. I remembered that i can move on, i can make each day nice and productive. And i will find another gf eventually. But until than i have stuff to do that will make me the man i want to be. Yesterday, i was thinking of the good things that i have now after that break up. Dont forget about them. I was nice to her for a month after the break up. Now, i can move on. Woke up and checked my phone. No message from her. Good. Move on with your day and keep feeling relieved.

I was close to fap. Very close. Got drunk and felt like shit. I wanted to message my ex again but i convinced myself to abstain. I am glad i didnt. I think the problem is that i feel inadequate to be alone again. Last time we got back together we didnt see each other f2f for two months. I have to stop these thoughts. They make me sad and unstable. I am afraid i wont find another gf thus i should get my ex back and shut up - toxic thinking - i will find at some moment in my life. I got her back last year and i am still here bitching. Buying more time with her wont fix my problems or frustrations.

Day 9 of no fap I miss sex, being tender and saying sweet things. I miss that a lot. The cost to get back with my ex is far too great. I know it i drunk again. Not like last time anyways. i feel

Cant wait to move from home. Was very boring at university. Went to work afterwards. I am tired af. I am sitting in bed again. tv series? Checked fb and insta a little. Didn't check her profile in a few days. Still didnt fap.

Hey No replay on wapp and is alright. I don't have to feel negative feelings from being with her and so on. Is better this way. I will find another Messaged her on her phone and she thanked me for wishing her good luck at her vaccine. Messaged back and forth. She was cold. That was it. She felt ok after the vaccine. Everything is fine. She keeps starring at me. I stopped locking eyes with her. I have no idea if she likes me or not but if she did she would have accepted a date. IDK. I spoke a little with her at lunch. We don't have any chemistry between us. Cant even find a thing to speak about with her. Is much easier to speak with my other female colleagues from work even if they have a BF. Is super easy to speak with them. Conversation is just flowing. Same thing today. I have no idea what is going in her mind. I dont see any point in keeping asking her out. Why would i make it difficult to be at work by having a girl a will break up with her at some point. Why would i bring that shit at work? No point. I feel relaxed and have fun most of the time at work. I m too tired for that atm. I want to lay in bed a little more. Wanted to work in my garden a little more. Parents and siblings made some jokes about me moving out. Not anything else. They ll get used to the idea. They think i will never see them again or some shit.

She still didn't replay to my last message from last night. I didn't get insane about it like last time. I have to accept i don't have enough good reasons to get back with her. I have to leave her alone. Tomorrow i am going to message her 3 times to see if she is alright after and before her second vaccine. Not going to message her afterwards until her b-day this autumn. Day 7 of no fap. It was very hard to not fap yesterday. I got used to fap after drinking and watching tv series. She keeps starring at me. I stopped locking eyes with her. I have no idea if she likes me or not but if she did she would have accepted a date. IDK. I spoke a little with her at lunch. We don't have any chemistry between us. Cant even find a thing to speak about with her. Is much easier to speak with my other female colleagues from work even if they have a BF. Is super easy to speak with them. Conversation is just flowing. Used facebook for a few minutes. Got invited at an event held at that big house i want to move in. Cool. It is next weekend. I cant wait to move form home. Worked in my garden. Made tea for kombucha. Washed some clothes. Trimmed the roses in my garden. Planted some flowers and herbs. Feel so good about it. Yesterday, after work i just ate and got drunk and watched tv series.

Got drunk again. Watched tv series and messaged my ex. I realised afterwards how annoying, difficult and frustrating it would be to have her back. I think i am getting closer to mind my own business and move on. That SEO girl is still giving me looks but i dont know why. She didnt want to go out with me. Idk what she is thinking. Is a mystery. Maybe my parents dont want to move out cuz they wont have as much power over me as before. Maybe my sis doesn't want to move out because she feels envious i will be on my own and she is still depending of my parents. Not sure. Day 6 of nofap. I have strong urges to fap and watch porn. I havent checked facebook in 2 days. Only a few minutes on instagram update: i used facebook for a few minutes but forgot

Told to the rest of them: No one supported my decision. They all said i have no real reason to move out. They said i have a garden, a house and space to live here. Why would i want to move out? That only ppl from outside of my city live alone because they don't have a family here. That i will waste my money just to leave alone. That i am avoiding them anyways by staying in my room all day. I felt stupid. I am acting like this just because of a girl. So stupid. Don't i have anything more important in my life than that relationship? I told them i am going to move out anyways. They said i will come back when i will see how hard it is too take care of myself like i did in NL. I said we will see. If i am not ok i will move back here. I didn't even dare to tell them i want to move out again in another place in July even more expensive.

Well, i know we are better without each other but i still feel sad. I have to get used to it. I will get over it some day. I feel more ego hurt than heartbroken. My siblings kept coming into my room criticising me for feeling down about the break up. It didnt help. Told my sis i wanna move at the begging of next month. She didnt think is a good idea. She didnt understand why i would want to move out and just spend money on food and housing. She didnt get why i want to move out and she didnt see the point. She said i already lived alone once. Why would i want to do it just for the experience of it? She said is better to save money so i will move out some day in a place i really like. She doesn't get my point. I want to live with some cool people. I want to not hear my parents arguing all the time. I want to meet new and interesting people. I want the experience of it. I think the other members of my family except mom will feel the same.

Hey I feel better. I don't know what it got into me yesterday. My need to be approved and like is bigger than i thought. She replied at midnight. I cant believe i went through well feeling like shit for what? nothing really. She said the surgery was fine, she feels very good and asked about my vaccine. I said i'm happy she's doing great. Told her i got 1st dose and the second will be in two weeks. She said i hope you are also doing good. I said i am fine. She said she's glad to hear that.

Yesterday i checked her profile and saw some guy she started sending likes and love reactions one week after we broke up. I felt like shit. Wow, she already got over me too? Am i even good enough and worth it? Got drunk last night. I was browsing on facebook, giving people dozens of likes out of nowhere and having drunk conversation with a guy from krav. I posted a song on my profile with resonates with how i feel about the relationship i had with my ex. Woke up and felt very embarrassed of myself. I didn't even remember when i went to sleep. I feel cringe. Today i asked her how she recovered from her surgery. She didn't open the message and i started feeling bad. I want her approval so much is toxic even if i am not compatible with her. Is a stupid problem. I was waiting since late noon for her to respond and gone crazy. Saw she was online and she still didn't respond. I read all messages from wapp and phone. I was very frustrated to see how much i tried to keep the relationship going... How i couldn't stand her being busy all the time, yet i didn't complain out of fear. Jesus. I saw again i was so frustrated for not seeing her more often and so on. God i was so stupid. Anyway, i deleted all messages, calls and everything like i did last time. Is better this way. I am so insecure and miserable. Even wanted to get back with her... just to feel approved. Horrible. Jesus what am i doing with my life?????? I am afraid to do the best for me? I am thinking that i am a horrible person and no girl will want me so i have to settle for her. This belief made me miserable. I am upset on myself for the whole situation.

It was nice. Quite funny. I liked hanging out with them. Drank a lot. I wished i brought more subjects to talk about at the table. The lunch started at 15 and ended at 21. Around 22 arrived home. Father was like you were out drinking and eating all day while i was home doing stuff and at work half a day. He must be pissed i am at work and he can order me around the house do to stuff =)))))) Too bad There is a nice room available from Mid July. Quite expensive i would say. It will be an experience. Why not? I can always move back or find another place. I cant keep living with my parents. Is damaging me. I want to live with other ppl again. He said to speak again in mid June. I have to pay half the price beforehand as a deposit. The guy from the 1st internship messaged me. They have the room free from the beginning of June. I thought to move with them for a month and a half and afterwards to that house. I am excited. I didnt tell my parents. They cant keep me here by force but they will complain i wont be around to help them.

It was nice. Quite funny. I liked hanging out with them. Drank a lot. I wished i brought more subjects to talk about at the table. Avoided that seo girl pretty much the whole day. She looked at me and smiled. I am really confused. Do you like me or not? IDK must be a no. Spoke with her at the table. She told me some stuff about her because i asked but she didnt ask anything about me. I didnt like her more after we spoke. She seems a cold person. Dont feel a connection between us. I cant wait to move alone. Such a big change. I cant believe i forgot about it for so many months man. Wished good luck before my ex's vaccine. Turns out is next week ahehehehhe. Whatever. Felt restless for hours after messaging her.

I got lost thinking of my ex. Getting upset, frustrated and angry all over again. I still feel stressed of her yelling or getting upset like my father does. I understand why i was with her but is said to get over it and accept it. Everyone makes mistakes. I wished i was more honest with myself when we spoke in November. I could have said i am not ok that you are so busy and so on. One of the problems in this relationship was that i needed more time with her even if she told me she can offer me that. I just said no problem- i just wanted approval asap. I kept becoming more and more frustrated for not getting more time together and seeing her so often stressed, angry and cold. I was never cool with that and i tried so hard to not show it and even to accept it. I never could. So if i get back together with her this wont change. Not even if we move together like we spoke. Her exams are coming and she will be to stressed to see with me. I would get frustrated all over again.

A girl from work said some creepy guy saw her ID when she was in train and later he sent her a friend request on Facebook ahahahahha

Hey Last night i dreamed of my ex. The lunch moved for tomorrow. Didn't speak much with her today. She didn't try either. Good. Thought of my ex but blocked those thoughts. Is crazy how much effort i put to make the relationship work even if i didn't want to keep it. That habit of shutting up and tolerate everything to not have a fight still affects me. There is a nice room available from Mid July. Quite expensive i would say. It will be an experience. Why not? I can always move back or find another place. I cant keep living with my parents. Is damaging me. I want to live with other ppl again. Update: my father keeps getting angry and yelling. Definitely worth the money moving away. I thought ill move away some day in the distant future and i have to tolerate what my father does... like i thought i have to be with my gf until x moment and than i will be free. I see a pattern. I think i should have it bad and struggle and that i should always wait until i can have the life i want. Dont like this.

Tomorrow we are going to have lunch together with the whole team. I asked her if she wants to get a coffee afterwards. I thought this would be more intimate. I had doubts about messaging her but did it anyways. She said but if we go to lunch we will get to know each other more, right? I just think she is dodging meeting with me. Well, that's the 3rd time i ask her out and she makes some excuse. Got the message. Move on man. I feel stupid for asking when it was clear from the begging she doesn't put any effort to schedule a date. Is OK. At least i wont have regrets i didn't try. I have to accept she isn't into me and is afraid to reject me directly. It is OK. I am fine. I will feel more upset on myself if i keep asking her out. Is better this way. I asked her out just because i want experience. I see there isn't a connection between us or smth similar. Is alright. It was a stupid idea to want to date a girl from work. Really bad one.

Did the exercises for my back this morning. Meditated too. I think i will go this Thursday to swim. I'd like to drive this week as well. Took care of my plants today a little bit. I have: parsley tomatoes hot and regular pappers different types of mint and basil tarragon rosemary thyme cucumbers sage foxglove oregano sawn yesterday some hemp, morning glories, borage, coneflower, chamomile, rattles, nasturtium and carrots

Kept watching movies and tv series last weeks. I am feeling that desperation again. I should take action towards my goals- i dont and i feel i a going crazy. Kept meditating though, even if is hard to focus and i skipped a day or two. I am meditating for 11min. Realised some stuff again about my relationship.: i am bothered to be single again. i see it as bad because i have been single for soo long. thus i thought i should shut up and tolerate everything just to have a relationship the people around me will pressure me again to find a gf. my brother and sis asked me why i am not with another girl last time we broke up. i see i exaggerated this break up. my family said ok that i break up. they know i struggled. they know she was difficult. they have my back. also, she had 10 times more break-ups than me. She is fine. I didnt cheat or beat her. i am exaggerating way too much. we even spoke before breaking up and settled things. i messaged her last few weeks before her vaccine and surgery. she doesn't think as bad about this situation as i must think. she is ok with it i guess. i am overreacting . i was nice with her parents. i was nice with her 99% of times. it is ok. my ego is hurt, not my heart. i feel bad cuz i was with her for so long and i knew is wrong. i feel bad that i didnt dumper her sooner. that i didnt find a new girl and kept going with her. that i wanted to make this relationship work when i knew we are not good for each other. i feel bad i didn't work more on myself. i feel bad for settling for her out of scarcity. i hate i put so much effort to make her happy and she still complained and treated me like that. i dont deserve that this morning i realised is hard to get used to not feeling stressed and afraid she will yell at me like my father. i got used to feel that all the time and now i feel weird to be free and relieved. i feel hurt she doesnt message me back. this makes me feel i didn't matter, i am not good enough and im not worth a dime. this is stupid. idk why she behaves like this. is her opinion and isnt about me. is what she wants or doesn't in a relationship, she got upset and wanted a break because the way she sees relationships should be like. isnt about me. i developed this belief that i should accept everything from her and take revenge later. it doesn't work. is toxic. i am better without her and keep it that way. i felt scared when i thought she might message me to get back together. i felt worse for messaging her in the 1st place. leave her alone. i dont miss her as a person. i miss the good feelings: touching her approval, being tender with her. i can feel this and even more with another girl. i dont think it was love. it was just about feelings and scarcity.. Developing on this i miss the physical intimacy i had with her.