Everyday

Watching so much movie recaps each day after work doest well, work! I am not ok with this. Also, going to sleep late because of it isn't good either. I need to stop doing that. It ads no value to me. I keep thinking i am 23 and wasted my youth blah blah. But i am also wasting time after work most of the time. C'mon. Cant believe im 23. I havent done much but this age. Feels so old. Like in 7 years i am 30 and that was my 20s. WTF. One year wasted in NL, two years here. Yeah, great... God, i am so fucking behind. It will make me feel better to not jump into movie recaps after work. Tomorrow, right?

Hey Woke up and fell asleep again. 100 abs exercises - chose to do harder ones. Smoothie, styled my hair and was satisfied with the end result, etc. Arrived at work late again. Did well at work but it was tiring. I received 2 new accounts. Got more chill with calling that client. They agreed to spend more on CPC. Arrived home. Studied and fell asleep. Ate with flatmates. Played a game with them. Came in my room. Watched yt. Is not ok to just train abs, chest and arms. I will have an imbalanced body. I will train other muscles as well. Mom and sis asked me how am I. Dont know what to say. I am ok but i dont look forward to come home. Too much drama. Is expensive to live in this house but i am calmer. I didn't notice this last few weeks but is lots of stress and drama at home. I told my father what he does at family business is not work. Brother heard to and didnt contact me since that night. I guess he felt attacked too. Mom told me is my fault blah blah i should accept my father is this way. Blah blah. He got upset that i told him all he does is to sit at tv and just work 6 h. And he calls me lazy? WTF? He spoke nonsense. I got annoyed and left. He reminded all of the money i wasted in NL. He told me and brother we wont be as successful as he is blah blah. And other shit but it really made me upset to hear that shit. I dont know if i will get my scholarship this year. They dont have budget for that. One of the girls from this house messaged a me lot and seems fond of me. I just got super annoyed i have to answer to her messages. Noticed i still find it hard to actually care what other tell me. Is so fucking difficult to pretend i care lol. What else? I am starting with warm water at showers but finishing with cold ones. I use cold water for hair and face. I keep getting dried skin tho. Looks like dandruff in beard and moustache. I guess i need more excitement in my life? Idk. Maybe a book? Writing down the good stuff i did? Not sure at all. I am better than i have been in a long time but i just dont feel like it. Dont know what else to do. It takes time to keep getting better and better. Years and i am so impatient.

Hey I woke up and did 100 abs exercises. Logged in for a class and prepared for work. Arrived at work and i found it hard to focus on work and also paying attention to class. Back pain and felt pressure to finish more stuff at work. I even wanted to avoid tasks cuz i found them hard. I feel sore as fuck. I think i exaggerated with training two days ago. I was very into daydreaming all day. I was tempted to eat junk food. Went to the massage group. Ate with flatmates. I calmed down from the argument i had with father. I was thinking if i should return home or not at the end of the week. What else? Turns out one of the girls from the massage group who i thought is like 26 is actually 36! Wow. She told us she still has no idea what she wants to do with her life. She is really awesome. She told us or the career paths she changed. How she started on different paths but didn't have the strength to finish. wow. I was shocked to hear that. Her opinion puts things into perspective.

Hey Went home to hang out with family. Father started telling me i am lazy for not helping him doing x thing. I snapped and ended up leaving the house at that very moment. I felt like crying. I slam the door shot on my way out.

Hey Went to bed at 4 am again. Just couldn't sleep. I felt very bad. Going home again later today. Woke up at 12. Didnt study for the massage exam yesterday or today

Hey I didnt feel my best today or last two nights. I felt down and unmotivated. Worked out at home again. Pull ups. I think around 50. Anyways till i couldn't do anymore. What else? Didnt do shit for work on Friday. Went home and was up until 4 am. Grinding herbs and watching movies. Woke up at 12. Kombucha, grinding more herbs. Went to aqua park with flatmates. It was fun overall. So i got tired fast doing the exercise above. It was more like cardio. Ten minutes is too short to build muscles. But i liked the exercises he used. I did however feel soreness in serratus anterior muscles.

It was amazing!

Hey Felt more confident talking to a client from work. Procrastinated a lot today but still got some stuff done. I worked out again for a little bit. Let's see tomorrow how i feel. I followed this video today. Going to watch Dune with housemates tonight. Ate pasta with housemates last night. My belly felt like shit afterwards. That's why i usually dont eat that. But this guy from italy made it and i was curious. Covid restrictions are getting stricter over here.

Hey I went to bed at two but woke up on time. I decided to do some abs exercises and back exercises. Made a smoothie as well. Man, i felt like a million bucks afterwards. I kept feeling good for the rest of the day. At the massage course i teamed with two girls. One of the i like a lot but is taken and the other disgusts me (the 24 year girl with a kid, she's very annoying). I massaged the 1st girl feet at reflexology and i noticed the tenderness i used. When it was the second girl turn i was just disgusted. She had dirt under her nails and smelly feet. Ew. Cooked for the new week. I got compliments for my cooking. I wasn't expecting that. Hanged out with my housemates. I was annoyed of all the classes i had to attend for university. My friend from university called me drunk and he spoke a lot of shit. I was thinking of what he said and cant understand his logic. But of course he was drunk as fuck and doesn't count. He drank again next day and asked me to join. Refused. I don"t see the point. I had better things to do than to get drunk. I have lots of back and knee pain.

Hi Ordered food last night. I ate and felt sick all night. Barely got out of bed in the morning. Went home. Mom is very stressed because my father has high fever and is sick for days. Each time he got better he went out again and got sick. The house was in the worst shave i have seen so far. My father only stays in bed and says he might day. Brother is sharing work hours with mom at the family business. I cooked smth for them today. Mom had no time for it. She is low on energy as a default mode but since my father is sick she hit her lowest point. Drove a little. I was resistant since i didnt drive last week. Wasnt that bad :)) Harvested some herbs from garden. Felt proud of it. Took the tram back the the house. There was a homeless dude who was injecting smth in his arm just a few meters in front of me. I couldn't believe this is actually happening =)))))))))))))) I was thinking if my year abroad in NL was a waste of time or was actually worth it. Cant decide. When i returned home i was worse than when i left. I was working for my parents and just wasting my time. This summer i didnt go to BE for that internship. In hindsight it was a fucking good summer. I have done a looot of stuff even if i had my share of shit moods and nights. I am a better person now, unlike if i wasted time in BE. I keep thinking of that like from The Stranger: My life wont change if i move to Paris. It will be the same.

Hey Ordered a bunch of Junk food last two days. Lots of sitting in bed and complaining. My friend from uni called me. I need to work on other stuff as well. Made some progress last half year I ate so much crap i feel tired and exhausted. Im stressing with the massage exam for the second module. I will work out again today. Pushups. Last time was 5 days ago. -Updates- 130 pushups, focused on arms. 120 abs. Is getting easier to get to 90 push ups than it was a month ago. Nice. - Studying for the massage course. Fell asleep a few times. Had unpleasant dreams. I was thinking i should take a dutch course. I have been struggling to study it alone for 2 years with no avail. I was thinking to buy a course from Athlean x. To do some exercises at home. To see more results. Faster. To have a structure. I have been fasting for more than half a day today

Hey Woke up at 11. Dragged myself out of bed. Did my routine. Back exercises and ironed some clothes. Did some work and so on. I got stuck trying to make a new FB account. Got really frustrated. I am really bad at my work lol. It was 1st time making a facebook account for a client in months. It was raining all day so no running. Ate same food. Nothing out of the ordinary. Had an idea yesterday. To work overtime to make up for the hours im at university. My boss agreed. This way i can go to uni and work properly for now. I thought i can go to work at 7 and leave at 16. I would have a lot of free time. Sounds good on paper. What else? Had a call with sis and brother and their S.O. Didn't feel well after that. My insecurities got triggered again. I might start a cooking class soon. Sounds exciting.

Hey Woke up tired as FUCK. Laid in bed until i had to go to work. Arrived one hour later again. I slept a little at work around 16 o'clock. Back pain. I went to the massage course but was wanted to go home actually. Came home and made juice with a girl from here. We finished after 2h. I am at last in my bed. Dont feel like sleeping even if i am fucking tired. I was thinking lately what does success mean for me. I am not really sure. I was thinking that going to study with erasmus isnt useful. Is just fun again when i could in fact use time to improve my life. Nothing will change those months. I will have same problems. I wanted to get a job as a masseur in weekends. Not sure about that anymore. Doesnt seem so appealing to massage ppl all day. I didnt decide anything.

Hey Arrived at university after barely sleeping last night. Woke up three hours earlier because i didnt know we only have class at 10. I tried to sleep but couldnt. I worked out. Did pushups until i couldnt. Laid in bed afterwards and took a shower. When i arrived i find out someone had COVID so next two weeks are online. That is fucking awesome! Slept a little at work. Hope no one saw me. Fixed some problems on my accounts. Uploaded some new campaigns i made 2 weeks ago. Went home. I was tired. I had lots of negative thoughts. My brother and father are very sick. Mom was ok. Returned and had dinner with some ppl from here. It was nice. Came in my room and watched tv series and ate sweets.

Hey I had a meeting with my boss. I told him i plan to go to uni twice a week. Switching days every week. He was not happy about it. He wants me to work harder and be at work more often. He said he isn't happy with our performance. He asked me if i will stay after college to work for them. He wasnt happy i will leave for three months next summer. I wanted to leave for 9 months so i cant if i want to keep working here. Also, good that i stayed here this summer. I would have returned without remembering shit lol. I felt like shit about myself. I should have revised my PPC notes more often. I have no idea what is the macro reasons behind my work on campaigns. Went to massage course afterwards. It was shit. I forgot a lot and got a 3/10 on that test. I was supposed to study.... I want to do more stuff but cant do them well. I am mediocre at work. I want to get better. Yesterday didnt work out because my back hurt. I should have maybe. Didn't drive either. Didn't have my glasses. I felt like shit not driving. I should have.. Woke up tired as fuuuuuuck. Barely made it out of bed lol. I was miserable. I wanted to also start a cooking class but i dont have the money for it right now. I realised lately that i miss sex, tenderness and affection.

Hey Went running in the park yesterday evening alone. It was cold and windy. I was very tired and just run one lap and a few set of stairs back and forth. Also a short sprint. I feel tired. What else? Went to uni. I was bored to death. I ordered to food and fapped, tv series, and wasting time generally. Felt very guilty. I didn't feel my best lately. I wore this nice shirt i bought last week at work this Wednesday. I was surprised ppl do notice some things even if they dont say. Interesting. I was thinking what haircut to get next. I dont like the sides now. The difference is too sharp. I am not happy to start university. It makes me stressed with work and all. I got a little better with clients at work. Really happy about this. I feel good about it. I want to get better. I hate a list i write down courses to take. I was thinking of a courses about: cooking, bartending, nutrition and so on. Each of them is like 6 months. Imagine how awesome it is i can take two per year. Imagine what i can do in 5-8 years. This brings me a little more happiness. Doing stuff and achievements.

HeyHey Went to bed at 2am Woke up like a zombie and barely made it out of bed. Got ready and arrived there at 9:40. The meeting with that client went better. I was proud. Learned a lot. I could focus better at work for some reason. Didnt use FB, IG or wrote down how i feel. Also, i noticed when i am stressed and have smth to do the day goes by faster and i am not stuck in my head. I think it helps that university started and i have the massage course, running and so on. Going at uni on Thursday. Went laser tag with some ppl from this house and their friends. Asked my HS friends as well. One said he cant join and the others just said let's meet another time just us. Dont think they like meeting new ppl. I said ok. Dont think they will go next time. Whatever. Laser tag was fun. One of the guys asked us what we doing, working or studying. I said both. One of them said i am an overachiever. I dont know what to say about this. Looking over my life so far that is far from the truth. My sister's BF invited us to his b-day. I will go but i dont think i will stay until the end. Dont like his friends. What else? The b-day of one of my HS friends is also this weekend. Dont think he will organise anything and i am glad. I am already going to once place.

Hey Went to bed late and woke up feeling like utter shit. Just couldn't. I dragged my body to work. Arrived one hour later. Horrible morning. Really helped that i ironed some clothes last night. As soon as i arrived i started working. No instagram or writing in my notes how shit i feel. To my amazement i felt better. Like much, much better. Didn't even notice IG and FB have made me feel worse. I feel like a big burden lifted from my chest. Uh. I did check it once but still. Same for whats app. Checking it too often lately. Arrived home after massage and did some more work. I was lazy on Friday and didn't prepare shit for the meeting i had today with a client. I was stupid. Oh, the massage course will be from 4.30 to 7.30pm. I wont be able to attend much lol. All because covid. I think i will go to uni on Wednesday or Thursday. Oh i also logged to an online course today. I forgot how much i liked not going to uni all summer. Man, so much BS! I started making fun of professors and colleagues with my friend from university. Also, i read the shit my colleagues kept posting on the group chat for like a month. 700+ messages. Just utter garbage. I feel like meditating and shit now. Like reading a book and so on. Man, i feel much better. Just wanted to feel like this for months. I didnt because i was watching tv recaps, IG and FB and so on. Also, fapping. Going to reduce these things. I feel more grounded. Less restless. Less insecure. Just working on my shit.

I looked over my notes from last page. Found new meaning in this one.

Hey I fucked the clutch pedal of my car again . Not bad enough to replace it yet. Jesus! I am so fucking stupid. My father is mad again. Went to bed at 3. I watched a movie in the kitchen, drank soda and ate popcorn. I prepared dried leaves of basil from my garden for chopping and storage. It took forever. I have to take off the other ones as well. Woke up late. Went in the kitchen after working out and laying in my bed on IG like a potato. My mother was asking my father to treat her better. He was laughing at this. I was feeling down for waking up late. I said yeah she is right or smth like that. Didn't matter anyways. My brother was very annoyed nobody from our family likes his girlfriend =))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) This week is my sister BF's b-day. My family and I asked sister what should we get him as a present. She told us mostly very expensive stuff. Got smth for him but sister said he wont like it. I also got another shirt for myself. Is better quality that the other two i bought. I wanted this shirt for some time. I am noticing these moments of emptiness and silence in everyday moments. Each time i feel trapped. I feel like drowning. Is just nothingness. Just some moment with no meaning and no purpose. Just silence. Just living in the present, moment by moment, day by day and for what? Feels like torture. I find it very hard to be happy in the present moment. But when i worked out today i felt good. Just pushups and 100 abs. I didnt get sore muscles from running a few days ago. I was surprised. I went cycling with brother and his gf. I only invited brother but she came along. She kept complaining. It was very fucking annoying but didn't say a thing. She was like: OMG this road is so bumpy, this road is made of stones, this road is blah blah blah, i don't want to go uphiiiiill agaaaaain, you are riding to faaaaaast =))))))))))) I swear that's how she was like all that time. Dont know how my brother tolerates her. She annoyed me a lot. I didn't fap today. Wont go tomorrow at university. I studied for the massage course last few lessons. It was very hard to focus. Just kept thinking i am shit and i so on. I didnt manage to get as much as i wanted done. I am finding myself trying to do smth for the day to pass at work. I hate it. I just feel stupid not doing stuff for my accounts. I feel stupid for not looking over them. I am just feeling down so often, man. I feel like a pice of shit. I feel impatient to see more results faster. I just feel defeated.

Hey Lots of fapping lately. Lots of negative things going around my head. I have trouble going to sleep. I was tying my shoes on the hallway to leave when one of the Erasmus girls from there came out of her room. She was wearing just a towal as well as her boyfriend. Went to the mall. Looked around a lot. Thinking how much I can afford to buy and what is worth it to spend my money on. Bought three pair of shoes and two shirts. I felt weird buying those pairs because they seemed too nice for me to wear. Funny, isn't it? Went home afterwards. My father was insulting mom as always. Mom was busy texting a friend of hers. It was hard to keep a conversation with her. Mom asked me how am I. I said very tired. Felt embarrassed to tell her I feel I haven't done enough with my life so far and my struggles at the moment. She wouldn't understand. When she finished she told me smth funny. The priest who asked me if I had a gf last time at church asked mom about my FB to meet wiht a girl. Lol. He said he knows a girl just right for me. I laughed. Sure, one of those girls who want to wait until marriage for sex, right? Hahahah

Hey Fell asleep around 3 or 4 am. Woke up tired and said ill work from home. Woke up again at 11 and lingered in bed until 13 o'clock. Watched a bunch of movie recaps. Ate around 15:00. Cleaned my room 1st time in weeks. Did absolutely nothing for work. Starting uni next week blah. Added seaweed to my cooking mix and is horrible. Did 100 abs exercises today after a few days without doing them Havent been to BJJ in a while.

hey some other days feeling bad. my mood is shifting a lot. i feel like shit constantly. i am not patient at all. i cant stand myself anymore. going through the day is getting harder and harder. today wasnt an exception. Two rounds and a half of running in the park with my work colleagues. Didnt take a break this time. Stairs and pushups. I felt amazing while running. No sprint this time. I thought of running more often. I really like it. I was glad to noticed improvements in my muscular mass around chest and arms. I think i have been exercising for two months. Getting my salary tomorrow. I have a month left living here. Another month passed already.

Hey Drank again with flatmates. Went to bed late and woke up tired. Was late at work one hour. I feel really down and sad today. Going to keep pushing myself. Waiting for Thursday to run again. Waiting to work out again. To go home and drive. To work on my problems.

ehy Last night drank with the girl i went in vacation twice. She is living tomorrow. Tired at work. I was supposed to finish a campaign my Monday but i didnt even check my email. Massage course was alright. felt bad not studying more. I asked another new person to make my team with. Told ex happy b-day on facebook. To my surprise she responded and said thank you blah. I remembered i hated my life before, after her. I hated not having x or done y. Some of those things didnt change even know. I concluded is not about her. Is about me not having what i want. Is about building the life i want to have. So my problem was i was sharing a life i hated with another person. I can fix all of those points at some degree. What else? My sister arrived in Italy. Friend from HS is going abroad too. Wear a shirt at work and discovered a new way to wax my haircut to last longer.