Everyday

Hey Finished uni for this year and passed some more labs. All good. Work is going fine. I have 2 new clients. Worked out with my brother and father last sunday! How cool is that? Met with friends on saturday and it was fun. I had plans for NYE since summer but the girl we where supposed to go at cancelled on all of us. Offf. Went to uni and me and my friend ran into one of our colleagues who skipped school for the last 2 months. He said he broke up with ex and moved in campus. Has been clubbing and drinking since. He invited us too but we said we are busy. Finally, stopped speaking with one of the girls from 2 weeks ago. I was thinking to meet her again but these 2 new girls are really nice. Met with the second girl, B, at a new bar. It was raining like shit and she was colder for a few days. Didnt think we will meet or smth. I was anxious as always for a new meeting. The bar was super nice. Didnt like her at the beginning that much but after 3h i did like her. I would say she is second after girl D2. She seems calm and loves her job even if is very demanding. I was sure she wont want to see me again but i was surprised she said yes. I wasnt sure she liked me as well. She was surprised i took her by the hand in the end. Maybe she was expecting a kiss a the end? IDK. To be honest i got sad and needy last weekend because girl D2 didnt responded to my messages. I am not sure why i reacted like that. We are meeting tomorrow night. *My last ex name started with a D, the current girl has same name, so D2. I am not sure which one of these 2 girls i should choose. I am thinking that one of them will ghost me soon but not sure which one. I hope these 2nd dates will go fine. I am nervous haha. D2, my favorite so far feels unstable + baggage like last ex. B, is chill and i liked her more f2f than online. She has smth that attracts me so much. IDK. I still didnt watch crap online or on yt for maybe a week? It is easier to do stuff since im not glued to my pc all night and day. It was exhausting. I didnt start reading to fill the gaps but is on my radar. I am still getting used to not watching those. I have noticed good things so far. I feel i have more mental energy and i am less frustrated. I realized i should have ended last relationship sooner. Didnt feel we clicked to be honest, aside the mushroom thing. Also, i see now that it put extra weight on me helping her with her trauma and problems. I see now it was too much for me to handle her shit. Maybe i should run next time i come across a similar person. What else? Need to update my plan for 2023. Glad i am working out again, drove, passed uni, finished massage course, etc I didnt expect to be dating like i do now. It felt so impossible at the beginning of the year. It was such a challenge to start. Didnt expect to have one relationship from tinder this year. Hack i was thinking i will get 1-3 dates max. I think i got 6 in total so far. Let's see what i do with the new girls. I am still not sure if i will get a relationship out of these dates or not. I still dont trust myself enough. Still doubting myself to achieve my dreams and goals. Not watching yt crap online is huge. Not wasting that time like that is huge bro. Also didnt buy food to make myself feel bad. Next phase would be o do more good habits daily but it feels too much for now. My new phone has finally arrived. I am thinking more and more about starting that business but i put these thoughts aside. I need around 6-7 months to save up money for ads and stocks. I need to be patient. I have been frustrated having to cut costs since i dont have the scholarship. I am thinking more and more that i am putting boundaries in my head about my life after college. Like i cant do x because i am still studying and im busy. Maybe is bullshit. What will i say next year around this time? How would my life be if i quit work when that business is working very well? Maybe not so much. Hope i wont be lazier. I will still work out and take care of myself. I am anxious. Wi ll see

Lol, almost everyone cheated on this test haha I stopped writing to the boring one and she didnt text me either. Perfect. Still in contact with the other one - i should break it off but i feel anxious to be honest. The hot girl canceled on Tuesday. She is ultra busy right now. I dont even think we will meet this Saturday after all. She is super tired and has a lot of errands. I should complicate myself with her. I just had a date with the second girl. She has the same name as my last ex, same hair and lives in the same neighborhood. Loooool. She was really nice and i liked her even more f2f. She is actually the prettiest girl i went on a date with so far. The conversation flowed naturally and it was fun. However she refused to talked about some stuff. Understandable but i worry she has some serious trauma and i am not sure i want this again. She told me too i am one of the nicest guys she met online. She is actually nicer than last one. I am not sure if she said it for my ego or she was serious. She told her worst date so far is a guy coming drunk after a BBQ and leaving in just 40 min. So funny =)))) The 3rd one - going to meet with her this Sunday. She also seems super nice. I dont think she will like me cuz she's looks super tall haha. What else? With this date it was fun to see the difference between a meh date and a nice date. I felt it from the beginning with the last 4 dates. Just meh. I also see that going out with last ex was a mistake. I realized i didnt like her that much - it was also so easy to just move on this time. I knew i didnt want to be a long term thing. Looking back i should have broke up sooner. She had a lot of stuff to work on herself. I am learning more of what girls i like. I asked one of the girls from HS for some bars to go to. She gave me an amazing list. Tonight's bar was nice. I am making progress. It was so hard in the beginning with this whole thing - taking pics, dating, speaking, etc. I got more courage and confidence. It is such a good thing for me. I am so proud. I am also proud of how i handled this break up - just started dating again and didnt lay in my bed for a month and complained. It helped so much to go out again. But it was so hard in my mind to get to this point and i am just at the very beginning. I didnt think i will have several dates by December just a few months ago. Told my brother about my business idea and he wants in. Nice. Told me a friend of his wants to start a drop shipping thing but didnt even start. I talked her what we need. He can help me with the papers, accountant, other stuff for now. I will make the site and i am saving money to have enough in july/august. It will be helpful to do it in two since i want to start my 1st master in 2 years.

Hei Man, studying for this test was really hard and i sitll think i will fail. I keep feeling i need to watch some shit on YT. I keep thinking of this and isnt ok. I realised that movie recaps/ yt videos/ movies make me ignorant and complacent. I forgot how many negative thoughts i have and crap alike. Lol. I am learning to function with them around in my head. I worked out again with brother - 1st thought afterwards? To watch YT. Sadly i spent some of this free time to fap a lot and use too much social media. I just keep thinking - let's give up and watch some crap online even if i shouldn't lol. I am speaking with 3 nice girls right now hehe. Maybe i can meet one of them this Tuesday and the other one on Friday. Maybe the 3rd one on Wed or next week? I should see the girls from last week as well. Hmm. I am sure i shouldnt talk to one of them anymore but i want a second date to try it out. What else? I keep thinking how i should wait to x time to date more and some other crap. Lol. Such fucking crap lol. I feel quite good at the end of the day even if i wasnt even more productive. I want to read some stuff extra but it feels too much. I am getting used that i gave up watching tv crap for now. Is a huge deal for me. I also need to stop buying food when i am after work/university. Is all just a whim lol. Maybe i should cook for myself again. Maybe once a month. Wouldnt hurt I was taking with bro that maybe we can convince our parents to work out with us and my sister as well. It would be really awesome.

I want to discuss in more detail: I dont want to be like my older colleagues -working overtime and being ultra stressed 7/7 because of our clients. This is how i will be in a few years. I want to have more free time than they do. One of our colleague is 45 and he seems so unhappy because having to come to work each day. I dont want to just work here for the rest of my life, being criticized by my colleagues and bosses. I dont know why they even keep me around since i keep making mistake after mistake. Last month, 2 colleagues left the agency. I didnt expect to be honest. One of them told me one of our bosses treated her the same he treated me. It's the way he is, i am not the only one being criticized. I didnt think i will but.... i regret not going to study abroad and with erasmus during college. Now, i see that all is ahead of me is just more work. I wish i knew better and traveled and studied again abroad. Not sure these 2 years working here were worth it after all. IDK. One of the girls from my uni i admire left for erasmus last summer. I have been following her life in NL over the last couple of months. She posts so much food pics, fun stuff and trips. I remember not having enough to eat lol and my father freaking out about money all the time. It was so fucking stressful. On one hand i want to do nothing all day but on the other i want to do a lot of stuff and i am looking at myself at 24 and what i want to do from now on. However, i want to be more relaxed. I am taking life waaay to seriously. I mean i am not even thinking to take a break from college or to quit my job. I should chill man and just take it easier. However, i dont want to be like my father at his age - complaining all the time about money and not doing anything about it. Working from home means having to listen to his crap too much and i dont like it. It was easier when i wasnt home all day.

hey So last two days i got sick again of spending so much time procrastinating and decided to cut tv series and movie recaps from my daily schedule. I asked myself what can i change and that i have to make an effort to live a better life, etc. So far is been weird. I have so much free time now that it scares me. I noticed that each time i have a bad thought or i am bored i just want to jump into watching shit. In return it makes me even more stressed and miserable. Last two days o worked on stuff that i have avoided for a long time - from basic to important stuff. But i feel overwhelmed if i do too much in a day - interesting. Now i focus on a simple task - not watching those stuff. I finally worked again on my thesis, studied, cleaned my room, found a few themes for my future site and got a product list. But after all of this i notice is hard to do a good thing for long before i feel tired and bored. Why? However i distracted myself by using tinder - going to work on this as well. What else? A few days ago i worked out with my brother. I dont know why i didnt think of this sooner. It was fun. He said i work out too hard and that's true. That's why i quit some time ago. I am super happy i kept working out. Means a lot to me. Went on two dates last week. First girl was legit boring and the other one meh. I will still go with them for a second date for more experience. I wasnt impressed with either of them. I noticed that i am looking into a girl to be more than i am/ have smth i want to really feel afraid i will loose her. Interesting. Response? To work on those stuff. Broke my glasses but paid a guy to fix them. I saved some money. I finally ordered a phone with android. I havent been able to use a lot of apps on my phone because of Huawei. I went out with my friends from HS again and we talked about tinder. One of them said WOW about my 4 dates last month. I see it as too little lol. He showed me his tinder profile and it was full of self depreciation. He didnt want to take our advice. I finally stopped talking to girls i really dont like on tinder - both physically and the way we vibe. Another step for me. I shouldnt waste my time with them if i dont even want to go out lol. However i am talking with 3 other nice girls right now. Cool girls. I might meet with one of them next week. All in all, i am super happy i had some dates instead of complaining like a bitch all month. It helped a lot. Even more, i told my family i go on dates. I used to hide this from them. It was a big step. Invested 20 bucks last month in BTC once again. I earned $22 so far from all the crypto i have on Binance. A few weeks ago i took shrooms again. Three grams for or less and it was interesting. I got stuck again and basic level - goals, daily problems and other crap. It was a reminder to work on that. The trip was chill and i was thinking just to take it easier in life. The other part was with sweating and cold-hot feelings. - Goals for next year? Working out each week Not watching tv series and recaps on YT Driving Graduate My online store Mushroom business with my friends I was thinking to postpone doing a masters because i want some time to focus on other stuff. At least for another year. I just realized i am limiting what i can do with my life. I can do more than just be stressed all the time i am loosing my job or warring of university. I mean i can chill a little and take a break, you know? But in the same time i need to work on some stuff asap instead of not doing anything about it. I made more stupid mistakes at work and this stressed the shit out of me. One of the reasons to have my own site selling shit is to have less ppl criticizing me. I know i have poor attention and i am not a good employee. I am really afraid to get fired and as a consequence not having money. I think i am exaggerating too much. I got this fear of not having money from my father. Lately we got in more arguments but nothing too much haha. I saw that some clients take stuff from Ali express and sell it online for a profit. I want to do this as well since the competition is so low. This means i need to save some money for the next few months. I am thinking to start this site next summer, after i finish college. I would be too stressed to do it now. I didnt tell anyone about this.

Hey We broke up for good and i am glad. Since than i have been well. I didnt react bad like first break up. That one was miserable. I got tinder back on the same day we broke up. Went to uni, work and met with friends. I met two girls so far. I asked girls what are you looking for - surprisingly most of them just wanted to chat. The 1st girl i went out with wanted just sex but we both dont have our own place. Anyways, it was a fun conversation. The second girl wasnt so fun. I had a bad feeling about her but met with her anyways. She was speaking so much i couldnt even finish my phrases because she would interrupt me right on spot. Indeed dating right after a break up helps as i saw other ppl are doing. I was supposed to meet an older woman but if she wants 1st date to be at her place. She said she never brings 1st date at her place and deleted me. What a bummer, she was fun. So now i will go on dates and see where things are going. I hoped i can cut the chase. Hmm not with everyone. I felt very bad to tell the second girl i dont want to meet after that date. I just felt like an asshole saying it. She took the lead and asked me if i want to keep speaking to her and i said no. Next time i have to say it right after. I finally told my family i met last girl on Tinder. It was so hard just to say it. I also told them when i went to meet these girls and surprisingly my sister was more supporting than my brother. I dont know why. I started working out again weekly. I realized that the workouts i used to do where too much for me. That's why i quit. I regret doing it but have to keep going on. I will keep these dates going even if i am still worried before each date. I need more experience. I used to speak to any girl who would reply to me. Now i am speaking to the ones i like most of the time. I will go on dates with different girls and than just with the girls i truly like. To be honest the whole FWB and ONS thing seems impossible for me to get. But let's see how the following dates are going to be. I am still feeling weird to say i am going on dates but is just normal. I am looking for girls who have their one place to be honest. The last girl i met told me i am one of the nicest ppl they met on tinder. I take this as an insult. Maybe i am too nice and i dont get hookups because of it? Also a few girls told me why did i talked to them for days if i only wanted sex. Well, i am not sure how to get sex fast on tinder. I am trying to figure this out. Also, i am so much more relaxed about getting a dates and not going well. I wanted so much to get a gf fast when i met my last GF. I even asked her at 1st date if she still wants to go for a second date. Now i want more experience. I am not dating coming from absolute frustration and desperation as i was after not dating for a year and a half. That was such a stupid move and i cant believe i am doing this now. I was so afraid to even get some nice pics of myself. Crazy. I cant believe i am getting dates. Felt so impossible man. I am not on tinder all the time as before. Last time i used it at work and each moment. After that i used it too little and now i am searching for a balance. It wasnt ok for me to check my phone so much. Now i feel lazy to check my phone and force myself to do it. What else? I finally went to my professor to present my data for my graduation project. I need to lie some more to make sense what i wrote there. I broke my glasses again. Lol. I finally ordered a phone with android. I have been using this huawei without android and cant even download uber and other apps. What a bummer. I have been using this phone for 3 years. I didnt get a scholarship this year. Another bummer. I have to save more money. I gave up the idea to start my own site selling stuff because i wouldnt have the time. But i learned more about making a site and hosting. I feel so much more relaxed after finishing that massage course. But i just wasted more time since. I have a test this week and makes me scared. I drove some more. I am thinking to go to uni as well with my car. That would be suuuch a big step. I am also afraid i am running out of time. I am 24 and i had just 5 dates so far. I have sooo much to learn man.

Hey I finally finished the massage course last week. What a relief. Me and my GF broke up this morning. Told her i am not ok after all with her fear me becoming an "addict" because of shrooms. I was feeling guilty for lying to her for some time. I was also frustrated being again the one who needs to change and having to walk on glass etc Like she said, i should have told her this sooner. Glad we had this discussion after all. Got tinder again and let's see what is next. To be honest it feels like a bummer. All that work, time and money just to end up nowhere just because of some shrooms. Ridiculous

Hey Let's recap: she messaged a few hours after she broke up with me, putting some conditions to get back together. I said yes but after that i regretted. I told my to my drunk friend what it happened and he laughed. Told i am stupid and i dont need to give up growing shrooms but rather just lie i did. So simple. I didnt think of it as a solution. Things are fine now except that we still didnt have sex and she still doesnt trust me bullshit. I am not sure i did the right thing after all. She told me how disgusted she is of some dude who is a stoner. I wanted to tell her i also smoke weed sometimes but chose to keep it for myself for now. Maybe should have told her - she would have left me or some shit. IDK. I met with other friends from college. Some of them i didnt bother to reconnect with after i first started speaking with my friends last year. They are still mad. They told me they found me on social media but where still mad and refused to message me or hang out (i messaged one of them). I was so fucking stupid lol. I found out a few weeks ago i have to present my 30 page long project for the massage course. shit. I am not ready and i am stressed as fuck. I hate also i am not the best at massage either. I am doing too much blah blah blah. Uni is ok so far. Still hate i have to wake up so early and i am so tired of it. Next week i finish the massage course and i cant wait to do so. I had a 17 yr old colleague at work who has a few sites selling trendy stuff online. He makes so much money with this. I cant believe i didnt think of it. I was thinking again to start myself after finishing college. He got fired because his manager was a dick. I am thinking more and more of starting my own sites selling stuff online. How hard can it be? I noticed more people stressed as fuck because of money. Some ppl at the massage course told us about their stress with their mortgage and also my GF's parents are having problems with money. One of my friends from HS is going through same thing. Shit. I started having weekly meetings with these guys to make our own mushroom business. Let's see what will happen. I made more mistakes at work. One of my colleagues got upset as fuck just yesterday. Shit man. I made just $20 out of crypto since the beginning of the year. Pff. Not much. Still didnt take back my money from planetwatch. Of. Got drunk last week. It was a mess haha. Glad i didnt message my GF and she didnt find out.

Hey bro Had a minor car accident 2 weeks ago, just before she messaged me to meet next day. I was so upset and frustrated i said i need another week of taking a break without saying way. She said she didnt want to say much to me and i got upset hearing this. That means break up, right? I didnt message her anymore because i am really bad at arguments. I felt quite bad about taking that break, especially last week around Wednesday. This whole taking revenge and projecting my fears onto her is lame and dumb. We met yesterday and she was blunt - i want to break up just because of those shrooms. Instead of holding my ground i said - i will stop from that. She got even more upset that i said this only after she broke up not asap after we had our fight. I just felt pissed it ends like this man. She messaged me after 2-3 hours to tell me she will give me another chance after all - if i comply with her requests. I was shocked. Really? She asked me to think about it but i said yeah, sure! Afterwards i thought some more and i think i am making a mistake again. I am scared she reacted like this after just one month and a week together. Looks like trouble to be honest and i dont like it. I think i am afraid to be single and i am put under the option to change myself again just to have a gf. To be honest i dont want to be single again but i also dont want to be frustrated having to change myself and being afraid she will dump me at any moment. Is not healthy. Taking that additional week break was stupid. I dont know what to do. I am weak, just like i was in last relationship. I am choosing the easy way (compromise) instead of going out and finding better. It frustrates me even more that i am on trial right now. Horrible. Of

Hey I went to the massage course each week except the one they had another break. Also, i skipped one time because i was too tried. I felt better later but chose to sit in bed. Took a week of work for my b-day and practice week at university. We harvested grapes and it was shit. Didnt enjoy seeing my colleagues that much. I kept working and hated it. I went there each week afraid i wont pass the year if i skip even one day... just to find out i would have got a 7 if i went at least one day lol.... Went each day like a looser. Woke up during that practice week and thought - how am i going to finish this year? I dragged myself to work and than met with friends and that girl. My birthday was really fun. I didnt feel said like i was last year. I had fun with family and friends. And also saw my girlfriend. It was sooo nice to have no work for a whole week! I finally deleted my ex from facebook. I wanted to see if she will tell my happy birthday since i told her last year. She told my sister happy b-day last year and this year lol. I just felt stupid i didnt delete her sooner. I am immature and it triggered me seeing her on birthday page and on common friends list. I feel so stupid but it bothered me. I feel so gooood now each time i use facebook without seeing her. Things got better with this girl. We saw each other at least once a week. We started touching each other in the park late at night lol. She invited me at her place and i was surprised. I caressed and kissed her body. She didnt want to take of her underwear. I didnt force her. Went again at her place and stayed the night. We did oral to each other. At the end i thought meh. I kept thinking of this for such a long time and now that it happened it wasnt as awesome as it was before. It wasnt mind-blowing as i thought it will be. This year in february i was thinking i would give anything to get my dick sucked again. But now meh. We celebrated one month together last week. My siblings kept asking about her and i am still feeling uncomfortable to speak about her. I invited her to join me and my friends for NYE. I got frustrated with my friends and offered to find a place myself. They didnt even looked on all the places i found. Just kept complaining. I felt so upset i even offered to do that. I was upset seeing them so lazy to even open a link or read what i wrote. I started growing my first magic mushrooms and it is awesome. I tried some of them already. It was a fun trip overall but i will talk about it later. Met her friends. They liked me to my surprise. Told my girlfriend yesterday about the trip and the mushrooms i am growing. She freaked out. Kept saying she will leave me if i start doing it daily. I didnt know how to react. Never expected for that kind of reaction from her. I was colder with her after that. She said she is afraid i will change my behaviour with her when i will take shrooms daily lol =))))). I was annoyed of the whole things. I tried to explain her about psychedelics but she didnt really care to understand. Got a message this morning she needs a one week break lol... I said ok, take your time. I better response than i had with ex wanting a break as well. But i will take a break afterwards as well lol. I am just upset that again all that nice things we did last month dont matter because of this "problem". Sooo fucking annoying. I am waiting to see if i will get dumped or whatever. I hate this feeling. Just like ex did when we had 2nd big fight. Just waiting for a month to get an answer. Felt like trash. I am not freaking out this time but i am just annoyed and frustrated. If she wants out i will just use tinder again. At least i have that now. Just went last week to take some new pics.

Hei Met with her again yesterday. It feels again like a bubble. I liked spending time with her and fooling around but afterwards it cant recall those feelings and sensations. I am starting to feel like i am too nice and frustrated again. I hate this feeling. Also, i feel vengeful. Afraid i will get taken advantage of and i want to be mean because of it. I dont know how to draw a line between been nice and too nice. Like not feeling i am doing too much too soon. I am getting upset again seeing how this girl is so much better than my ex. She is chill so far. I am still afraid everything will be over sooner or later - thus i am more present when i am with her. I want to enjoy this while i can. In the same time i want to work on my shit, to do more than just seeing her. I hate i kept my last relationship going just out of fear i wont find a new girl. I was so afraid it made me so bitter and frustrated. I wished i got some pics and used tinder. Also, it would have been awesome if i used Tinder just after the break up. I felt so bad for being single month after month. The lowest point was actually contacting her to get back together. I felt so ashamed and desperate. The whole experience left me feeling i am not good enough or she would have wanted me more. Like it would have meant i am worth it or smth. It feels weird to be told i am sweet and caring but this new girls after all the mistakes i made in last relationship. I didnt get used to it. This weekend i went to the mountains will my friends from HS. They told me again to get a gf etc and i told them i am still speaking to that girl. They were surprised. They told me to meet her if things are going well. I am surprised they thought i am not speaking to her anymore. Also, they probably dont expect for us to keep seeing each other? I am still surprised. Idk. The guy who helps me with my uni project proposed we start a mushroom company together. We had a meeting with other 2 people to join us. I said yes, of course but i dont have much confidence about this project. I dont think he is serious about this. He wasnt last time. He has some family problems and an annoying gf. He told me how he cant dump her because isnt easy to find someone else at his age (32?) and crap like that. Is frustrating to see his so stressed of her complaining all the time of him being busy. He was happy he got COVID just because he was too tired to go to a trip with his GF. I feel sorry for him. I met her and she was annoying. Got my own grow kit with mushrooms. I am growing golden teacher. I am excited. Went driving some more. It was ok. My father started speaking to me again. I abstained to attack him further. But some stuff for our house cuz he ran out of money again. What else? This weekend I booked an apartment with a couple from HS and a guy. I was surprised how much he doesn't care of her. While we went on a hike he didn't even look to help her while she was behind us. I felt bad for her and stayed behind. I was shocked how he just kept telling her to go faster and to control herself when she complained of not having water to drink. I couldn't believe it. I worried for him more than himself lol. But she didn't seem to complain much to him. He was upset for a little while but she got over it in like 30 minutes. Wow. Some girls are just normal. My grandma told me she wants to gift me $200 but by the time i went to her place she didnt give me shit. I was annoyed. This happened to my brother as well lol. My siblings asked more questions about this girl i have been seeing. It makes me uncomfortable. I overheard a conversation about her between my siblings and my brother's bitch. I wanted to tell her to stop saying those things about her. She doesnt even meet her. But i said nothing. This Friday is my b-day. I got off work. I will celebrate with family and later with my friends from HS. I told my family what i want to order and they complained i am too cheap. I worked for this money and i hate to get these comments from them. I tried so hard not to have another outburst. For example i said i will buy some pizza after i finish uni this year and mom kept asking me "wen pizza". I got so annoyed. So finally i got pizza and she came to my room to complain i didnt buy drinks. I said is just too expensive for me and she criticised me for not buying her god damn drinks. I got mad and started swearing. She kept saying how i am supposed to buy them a bunch of stuff from my money. I hate this. Is not even asking, just demanding. I hate so much when i am questioned what do i do with my money by them. My sister asked me to buy her food a lot of times just like her BF who gets all of his money from his dad does. I was angry. So if i work i am supposed to give you my money while you do nothing all day? This isnt fair man. I hate to hear "why dont you treat us better? you got a pay-check". So what? Tried to ask my father is he wants to repair the car 50/50. It still works but is a chance it will break down in the middle of the road. I am afraid of that so much. He said he doesnt have any money. Grandma gave him money to buy a new car and he used them all on that stupid mountain house. I told him my brother told me the car might break down- turns out it was a secret and i wasnt supposed to know because he was upset on me around that time. I was shocked to hear this. So his plan was for me to break the car so it would be my fault? Ridiculous. My mom started crying and arguing with father about some crap. I rolled my eyes and waited for them to stop so i can eat and work. She complains but does nothing about her situation. I petty her. I found out on Monday night that next day i re-start the massage course. I rolled my eyes. I am so tired of that to be honest. Woke up at 6am to arrive on time. Once there i felt like sleeping. I have to go there 2 more times this week. Of.

Hei I met with her each night from Monday to Wednesday. It was fun and relaxing. I was annoyed by how curious my brother's GF is. Why she even My parents returned from a wedding at a roman-catholic church. She wouldn't shut up how are religion is better than theirs, how we are the best religion in the world and it was so fucking annoying. I told her to stop. She got upset. She got more annoying last couple of years.

Hey All my friends from HS came last Friday. We decided to go on a short trip next weekend and also settled for a location for NYE. Spoke some more with her and she definitely needs some space. All this is new to her. We will meet 3 times this week but i will make sure i will give her some more space. Not looking forwards to start work and massage course and also the fucking university this autumn. Ew. Just drove yesterday. All good except trying to park. Meh.

Hey We met and it was really nice. We kissed, caressed her some more and so on. We spoke about different stuff, from trauma to fun stuff. My parents and siblings asked me where i am going. I said to meet with a girl. Last time i said i am meeting with the guys. I felt weird to say it out loud. It has been a long time. They asked a lot of questions but didnt want to speak more of her. Met on Wed with a guy from HS i didnt see in 5 years. He had it worse than me. He told me about his experience with tinder and bumble. He used it for a few years and got more dates. He said all girls he met where bad. He went out with one of them for a whole month just for her to tell him she likes girls - one month later she was seeing another guy. What? She went with a girl to a stake house =)))))). He didnt know she is vegan. We met again last night in a park. We started touching each other and she stopped. I hugged her and waited for her to be in a position to tell me what is wrong. She said things are going to fast, she never kissed a guy like that and she never had sex. I was surprised. I thought she did. Anyhow, i made her feel comfortable and she relaxed again. I really like her. She said she doesnt know how to react to us being together and i said is ok. We will take it easy. No rush. So i am seeing her now but i am not satisfied completely. Is so cool when we are together but that is it. I am just as same as before when i am alone. Wow. Craved this moment for over a year and now i am like ok.. what is next? Wtf? Is a goal i wanted for such a long time and now i want other stuff atm. Meh.

Hey So we met f2f on Sunday and she was prettier than her pics. Wow. It was some awkwardness at the beginning between us but it was nice overall. The place i piked was nice and we just walked for hours afterwards. She felt worried i wont like her IRL. I was thinking the same thing. We walked to this park and hugged and kissed her. She didnt pull back and even leaned into me even more. Wow. She said she is cold but she warmed up to me. Met with some colleagues from HS. I told them about her. They didnt ask as many questions as i thought. They were quite nice. Hmm. I was afraid to talk about girls with them back in high school. I was terrified. I am going to meet with her again in 2 h.

Hey So i am still speaking with that girl from Tinder. Things are going well but after texting for too long i get cheesy. We didnt meet f2f and i told her smth like i get attached to someone fast and i was thinking of you. Ewwww. Stop man. It s cringe. She told me she warmed up to me and so on. How she really likes me etc. We will see how things go today at 18:00. I hope things go well. I was supposed to see some friends tomorrow but moved for Monday. I was surprised she wanted to meet, i thought it will take her more to recover after the death of her great granny. Stopped speaking with the other girls from tinder and instagram. She asked me if i am still speaking or dating other girls. I said yes but i should have lied. She complained about this and said she realised she likes me because of jealousy. Posted some new pics today and yesterday. I took them a few weeks ago. Me and my family celebrated me passing 3rd year, my sister's birth day just us and also with her friends. It was fun. My father is still upset lol. Didnt drive much. I went to the lab twice this week. I have to start all over again. Shit.

Hey Spoke more with her. She even send me some pics from her vacation to be sure she is not fat or smth lol. She asked me if i am speaking/dating with other girls while talking to her cuz she started to like me. I said i do. Later i realised i should not have told her. She said she felt jealous blah lbah blah. I kept on with my bullshit and it was quite cringe. Need to slow down. I feel quite embarrassed of her calling me out on saying i like her but also speaking with other girls etc. But i learned this lesson. Is ok. Surprisingly she wants to meet this Sunday even if her grandma died one week prior. She said i make her feel better. I didn't expect that. Told her to take her time and i meant it. I was supposed to meet with 2 girls this week. I panicked when she said i am full of shit for saying i really like her but also speaking with other girls so i deleted my tinder and the girls i was speaking on instagram. After i calmed down i realised it was stupid. It is ok. I think the date on Sunday will go fine. I didnt expect for her to be ready to meet so fast. I was meant to meet with my friends but rescheduled with them. I would rather see her and decide if i move on or is smth there to put more work. She told me i must have had an ex who was getting upset very fast cuz i walk on eggshells with her. That is true. ț She told me she got ghosted many times before and nw she is afraid i will do the same. blah blah. She met with a guy for 1 month, seeing him every other day and out of a sudden she got ghosted. Wow. She told me about some weird guys she met there. She said how no one else would wait so long for a date with her. IDK. I dont see what is the problem of waiting 2 weeks. I thought it will take longer. I spoke with some other girls before today and i got annoyed with one of them. She was one of those ppl i just dont like cuz they are annoying lol. I see some of these girls dont give a fuck if they dont make a guy happy. I am the stupid one making too much effort for a girl. She told me about not having a proper relationship so far and some other crap. How i am nice to her and she isnt used. Sounds like my ex. Feels i am making the same mistake. But she doesnt feel annoying. Hmm. Told her about the girl i video called and she was surprised i was so nice. She would have cancelled the call much faster. Damn, that one was really annoying and also didnt like the way she looked at all lol. Also, interesting to see how this girl reacts to a death in her family. I thought she will be very cold like ex. I see now my ex was a piece of shit in many aspects. I was so afraid i will never find a new gf.... should have tried at least. Tinder showed me i can get some dates. Now, i wont get pathetic when the next relationship ends. What else? My dad is still upset on me. My grandma offered to give me some money for a trip. I didnt expect that. Had a BBQ with high school friends and my siblings and they liked each other. I should have done that long ago. Bought some more clothes. Got some btc, eth and busd. Kept eating junk during lunchtime. I see that that massage course messed me up. I should have ate more food. Things at work are ok but i have problems with some client. IDK what to do. Tried a new strategy. A colleague from work left me take care of her 2 accounts while she was in vacation. Didnt know what to do and fucked her account quite bad. She was upset. Should have asked for help. Now, she wont ask me for help. My brother didnt sleep home for some time. He sleeps at his GF because we dont like her. She is still very annoying.

Hei Some updates? Friday and Thursday went to the lab, work and the massage course. I was so tired haha. My date for Sunday got cancelled. Unfortunately her great grandma died and i said let's move this another time. She appolgized and said she can come to see me after the funeral. Told her id rather have her with her family and that we can reschedule for when she feels better. Now, i worry she seems me as a friend, waaay too nice. Hope not. Had a BBQ with some of my high school colleagues and siblings with their S.O. I got a little too drunk but was ok in the end. Should have done this a long time ago lol. I got another date for next week and one in 2 weeks. Turned on my tinder and messaged all girls with questions from their profile. Goes ok so far. Some beautiful girl didn't even put effort into the conversation. Weird lol. One of the girls i was speaking last week said aren't you going to ask me about my instagram? So i did and i checked my inbox. Turns out i got accept to another girl i spoke 2 weeks ago. She was annoying if i remember correctly. We spoke a little. Smth feels off about her. Idk. I was thinking to tell these girls i am looking for FWB. I never tried this before. I would really like to. While i was at the table with everyone some girl called me. She tried with a hidden number 1st. Couldnt hear her very well. She was saying to meet each other and that she had my number from some girl. Weird. Just two girls from Tinder have my number. IDK. Tried again to speak with older women on tinder. It doesnt go well at all. Not sure what to say to them and they react so bitchy. Looks like joking around with them isnt enough idk.

Hei So the other girl i was talking to got COVID and cancelled seeing me that night but still went to Malta the next day lol. We kept talking each day. She was saying she is upset she couldnt see me and so on. She is very serious but seems we vibe ok. Going to see her this Sunday. I am looking forward. Put my discovery setting off on tinder but kept speaking with 3 girls. One of them i didnt like that much made a move and i was surprised. She didnt seem very interested. We will go to a park next week. I dont even know how her face looks like. She doesnt have any accurate pics. She seems good looking overall. Idk. Got in an argument with my father telling him what i think of the way he spends the family money. Ridiculous. He didnt understand anything i told him. Now he is upset on me. Tried to explain to him how recession works and how not all prices will go up forever. He said he doesnt believe me even if we already passed through one recession lol. He told me that we need to build that vacation house even if we dont have the money for it. That is more important to have that house than food or my mom's surgery. Told him i dont think is normal to not have money from my mom's surgery because we spent it all on that stupid house. Whatever, the conversation didnt go anywhere. My mom kept telling me i need to shut up and act with my father like he has special needs. What else? I restarted my massage course. Is upsetting i forgot so much. Went to the lab this morning as well. I was quite tired. I have to start over with my mushrooms. They got fruit flies. It was a full day. Didn't manage to work much. Lied to a colleague i have stuff to do. I spent Wednesday night working to be able to go to the lab. Got a new account at work and i stressed so much to make it work alone. Fucked up GTM. Managed to fix it but i was so stressed while the client kept calling. I bought a bunch of shit food at work to eat. Didnt do this in months. I am upset on myself i didnt get those pics and tried my luck on tinder sooner. Is frustrating i get 3 dates in 2 weeks while i spent over a year alone not even trying hard enough to find someone new. But i was so afraid and so blocked. I still am man.

Hey We met and i didnt feel a connection straight away. She was more anxious than i expected. She chilled a lot after a few hours. We spoke until 2 am. No sexual connection or attraction. She said she isnt looking into get a relationship and i didnt expect that. I assumed she was into dating etc. Whatever. Made some jokes here and there. I could have tell her i want to bang as well. Didnt read the situation well. All i was thinking how how much i would like to drink some water. My 1st date from tinder i am was spacing out at times. She told me i am the most normal guy she met on that app. She said i was second guy she met and the 1st one was weird. That she got some stupid and weird messages from guys. She told me how she just got a text from an ex wile she was there with me. How this guys has a gf but still calls her. Wow. We spoke a lot of shit. I need more dates and more experience. Glad she showed up on time. Anyway was ok for 1st date. I crossed this from my list. On Monday is my second date. Basically tomorrow. I wonder how she will behave. So i need to see some ways to keep a conversation going. I need to look into that.

Hello It's been quite an interesting time since i posted last time. I just finished all my exams. Next week i find out if i passed the last one. I was very stressed with all those projects i postponed for so long. I just got a new account instead of being fired. Didnt expect that. We had a work party and the boss kept telling me i dont do my job blah blah. Felt like shit. Left earlier. Didnt enjoy being there. I got Tinder again. I got frustrated and just used the pics that guy made me. Started getting matches and speaking to girls each day. This is new to me. Made a bunch of mistakes. One girl asked after a few days of texting where do i live. I thought she was going to ask me to come over. I was so excited. But no, she wanted to date instead. We decided to meet in a few days. Few hours later she said can i call you? I was very uncomfortable. Moving too fast, even for me. Got her instagram and noticed all her slim pics are from a few years ago. Now she was fat. Didnt like her on the phone. She complained too much, said about lack of money, her wish to merry a priest, being virgin and so much crap that made me feel overwhelmed. I moved on for a video call at this point. She was looking even worse than her pics. Told me about how fat she is and how ugly she is and it made me very uncomfortable. She sent me some SS from her tinder. She had 90+ matches. I was shocked. She told me of all the weird ppl that texted her. She told me about her belief in our lord and saviour Jesus Christ. How she is a virgin and wants her 1st time to be special, etc. I said before i would date any girl but she was 100% a no for me. Just no! Next day she said good morning and how am i and what am i doing. I felt weird again. Told her i didnt feel a connection. It was the second time i told a girl i dont like her. I felt so relieved afterwards. Missed some dates because i put them for next week cuz exams. These girls wanted to go out asap. Next time. Now, i am speaking for a week with two girls daily. One is to my surprise, from same town as ex. I started to message her randomly and didnt think much of it. She didnt have pics of her face at all. We moved on wapp and she was nice actually. She asked me why i am there and i said for dating. The only thing i dont like is her coldness. She said how we dont owe each other shit cuz we didnt even dated yet. She is right. I am putting to much too soon. We go on a date on Monday. Could have been this week but i was busy with shit exams. The other one is super funny. We spoke each night until 2 am or so. She works at a fashion store and is super chill. All she does is hang out with friends and watch tv. Never met someone so chill. I just talked to her for fun. She kept avoiding meeting f2f until she said how about you make me a massage. I was so happy. Will she actually bring me to her place so soon. We agreed to meet at her place at 19. Turns out i didnt get it right. She was up for a date, not to go to her place 1st thing. I was disappointed haha. I thought we are speaking about same thing. Meeting with her tonight at 21. I am trying not to seem weird or too desperate. So at 18 i messaged her for her location and she is like where we going lol. I said oh, i was thinking of this place lol. We are going to a park. I really thought she will invite me to bang her just like that lol. Anyhow, i am surprised what i managed to do with just a few good pics. Is unreal i didnt start sooner. Just kept complaining over and over again. After spending the nights speaking to these girls i feel i dont have time to do nothing. Weird. What else? Went to a trip with friends. It was so fun. Missed so much not having a gf like them. I was so upset when seeing one of them on tinder, just like he was over a year ago talking to girls. She managed to get a date and they met a few times. He hoped for a gf and sex but didnt get that. Asked for his pics. Wow. They were really bad. When we returned we met with their GFs. I was envious on these girls missing them when i didnt have anyone. I got more pics with that dude. They look so much better, i was so anxious 1st time. Added more ppl from HS on facebook and instagram. I posted the new pics and nothing bad happen. In a nutshell this was big for me. Really was. I didnt post in HS anything online cuz i was thinking they wont like it and will make fun or smth. I was soo wrong. Took me years to be normal. Didnt drive much either. I procrastinated a lot when i had to do those projects. I felt so stressed. I didnt want to pay to make them. I tried by myself and it was so hard. Funny thing i could have written whatever i wanted there. She didnt check anything. WTF. I could have written the same thing as my colleagues. WTF... I need to get better at maintaining to conv with girls. I start ok but after some time the conversation gets boring. I met some shit girls. I didnt stop and kept talking. Most of those girls dont even replay to my messages. Fair enough. They have a shitload of guys texting them. Some girls told me some bad experiences they had. I am way to nice with everyone lol. The hardest thing was to post some pics and start talking. Now doesnt seem so weird. I have less fears but is still weird and hard. I am cute and naive. I wanted to messaged a friend that i am going to bang these girls lol. Not the case yet. I tried to give a bunch of compliments early on. Those girls got either uninterested fast (hot ones) or just they felt uncomfortable (ugly). What works is to ask questions. Put some effort into it. Also just some heart works. My sister proposed to her boyfriend a few weeks ago. They are now engaged. I need to be nicer with my brother's gf. I dont want my brother to stop talking to me just because of that bitch. I really dont like her. My friend from high school told me what a shit BF one of my other friends is. He is very controlling with his GF. Doesnt let her drink and so on. Weird. Didnt expect that. She isnt better either. Invited my friends from HS to make a BBQ next week. Invited my siblings and their S.O. Surprised my brother's GF said yes. I will try to be nice. It was stressful to do those projects. I didnt understand at all what i was doing. Saved some money tho. I need to chill. My colleagues, some of them dont even care. They are super chill. I feel so good to have money in my pocket instead of spending it all on crypto. It was so stressful. So happy i used those new pics on tinder. Just much easier than i thought. A guy from uni i worked besides told me so much crap about our colleagues. How everyone fucked x girl, how x girls is fucking everyone and so much i felt bad for who am i. I am outside of this circle of dating. But is all i think. Now, i am feeling weird going to the park with a girl who wants to see me f2f. Unreal. I wonder how it will be. My sister and friends from HS asked me why i dont date and why i dont have a gf. They are right. It isnt normal. Go on and date. Try harder. I was so stupid trying to get dates with one or two really bad pics. Now i see the difference. Told my family i am going with friends in park. I feel weird to tell them i am going on a date, after 2 years or more since my last one. Really is smth bad. So my sister didnt sign un for a master's degree. She said she will get a job but now she just has fun all day. Telling me i lame for being busy and crap like that. Wtf? I am really worrying way too much lol. Maybe it doesnt matter at all. Whatever problem i have just fucking chill. Isnt a big deal lol. Still hard to see it. Still cant believe i am going on a date. Hope she will show up. I dont think is smth wrong with me. I need more practice.

Hello Passed today's exam with a 6. Struggled to study last night. I felt like falling asleep the whole time. Went to take pics yesterday morning. I felt so much more relaxed this time around. It was quite smooth. The pics look amazing. Looked at some pics a girl i follow posted. This made me feel inspired to get better pics. I postposed taking pics again today and that was wise. The exam took longer and i was too tired. Moved it for next week. Meeting with one of the ppl i lived with last year. I would rather sleep since i have to wake up early to catch the train but i want to see him as well. What else? I am too stressed while i my school and work isnt that bad. I need to chill and be stronger.

Hey Didnt force myself enough to study before the exam on Monday. Just got the results: 4. My colleagues arrived earlier at the exam and chose a good spot to cheat. They all passed with notes above 6. I should have done that too. Should have known 24h arent enough to study for me. I had to ask stupid questions at work to understand what are we even speaking about. Just couldnt understand what was going with those campaigns. I also discovered more mistakes i did setting them up. After work, yesterday, i met with HS friends to get train tickets. I was annoyed none of them took the initiative to book a place for us. I opened up about having a hard time at work and uni - resulted in them telling me to quit work. I didnt feel supported. Just wanted to complain to be honest. One of them didnt finish university this year either. He is doing an easy one, trying to finish it for the past 4-5 years. He just goes a few months than quits. I was shocked to hear this. I am stressed about uni and he doesnt give a fuck, not being bothered at all. He lives with his grandma and i have no idea what he does all day. I am so stressed about my degree when others dont care at all...... Spoke with my friend at uni about work and uni and being so hard for me rn. He said yeah, you are 23 and saying life is too hard???? Wait a few more years, what will you do in your 40s??? Felt so stupid and weak... He is right but i just wanted to vent. My boss got a screenshot from one of my clients: "he cant even write the name of one the brand i sell" - screenshot of the ad on google. I thought i definitely will get fired. Spent a few hours looking for that stupid ad and didnt find it. Wtf... If this wasnt enough, the guy who is helping me do my project for uni called me upset that i didnt move my project elsewhere. He kept asking me for months to do this cuz i didnt have a fan attached to it and so on. I just kept pushing it far away as i am so frozen of all i have to do. The last thing was to move the whole thing elsewhere. I dont know how to make it work now to be honest. If is wasnt enough he wanted it moved asap. Called my brother and i drove there. I was already upset of making mistakes at work. Drove there for the 1st time and i made a bunch of mistakes. My brother asked me if i am sick for not seeing the signs. No, i am just fucking stupid. Came home and installed the whole tent and mycelium blocks in a dirty shed. Took me almost 2 h. It will all get infected. Fuck this shit. What is wrong with me??????????? I dont know, i cant focus at work, cant pay attention and cant understand how regular things work. Had to ask the most stupid questions to understand smth that was so obvious for the other girls. I am so fucking stupid. I should have never got this job while also studying. I am too stupid to do it even without university. I feel so fucking stupid and retarded. I am so fucking slow man. Everyone else almost finished that project for uni but me. I didnt feel like it and didnt force myself to finish it. Am i too weak? Is hard to handle the stress i am feeling with my job and work. Is just too much. But i need to push myself. Shit. I am so fucking frustrated. Arrived home - at home i found my siblings with their S.O. having fun, they spent all day doing nothing much. Why am i even stressing so much? What is the FCKKING POINT?

Hey Thursday had to implement some FB campaigns and made some mistakes. My colleague got upset. Friday i implement more campaigns and paid more attention. It was very hard to focus. I kept wanting to finish the task. Had to check again and again for mistakes. Horrible. Last week my sister asked her BF parents if she merry their son. They said yes but changed their minds afterwards. Said is not normal for a girl to do that. Yesterday left in a trip with siblings. My sister asked her BF to merry her. Her friends where there too. His parents told him so it was no surprise. He proposed her right afterwards with a expensive ring. My sister started crying and was very upset on his parents. The rest of the trip was ok but not as many things to do as i would have liked. Snapped at my brother's BF a couple of times for being so annoying. Jeez. She was soooo fucking annoying. Even my brother got upset on her. Told him i dont think she is right for him. He said she will change and be better. The trip was more expensive than what i was ok with. But my sister was happy i was there so is ok. Returned today to be able to attend an exam tomorrow. Didnt study shit. Last year my brother moved out and she didnt go to his place much. Turns out she didnt like the design of his studio. I am still trying to understand this. Not seeing your boyfriend because you dont like the design of his studio even if is clean?????? Wtf? I cant understand this man. It makes no sense to me. I talked to my friends from HS to go on a trip next week. I felt bad they didnt go without me so far. Most of the times we meet together not separately. I will ask them to go without me and not have to wait for me each time. One of them said he wont come because he spent all his money on his brother's wedding. I offered to borrow him money. He accepted. Nice.

Hey I barely got out of bed for work. Just didnt want to go there man Had to do some hard tasks today and it was stressful. Managed to do well. I wont be able to take that exam on Monday cuz i didnt go enough to labs for that one. I have to wait a few more weeks. Good. Didnt want to finish that project anyways. I can stay longer in vacation with siblings. I wont take pics tomorrow because of the weather