Spry

Day 30-32 Hit the 30 day mark with no porn/no fap. Been masturbating the past 2 days. Still going at least 90 without porn though as stated in the original post. Sexual fantasies feel a lot healthier. It's mostly been pretty benign stuff. I still feel like I'm compulsive with masturbation. I'll do it several times a day if I have time even though it's much more enjoyable if done less often. That said, not watching porn kind of puts a cap on it, so to speak. After the first 2 or 3 times, it takes more effort to get really turned on and without porn I often don't make the effort. Anyway, still shooting for 90 days. At that point I'll probably give myself a cheat day or two and then cut out porn for good. There's really no reason not to. With masturbation, I'm still figuring it out. It would be nice to just do it once a week or so but it feels like it takes a lot of willpower. I'll have to experiment more to see if it's worth it. Trying to tease out which positive effects come from stopping porn, which come from not masturbating and which are placebo. Probably won't update as often now. Honestly I was kind of hoping to get some feedback or community involvement, which is why I did this publicly. I'll still check in and update now and then, at least until the 90 day mark.

Day 29 Looking at the post above, I guess it goes back and forth between wanting to masturbate and wanting to watch porn. When I haven't had sex in 4 or 5 days the drive to masturbate gets really strong. Otherwise it's more of a curiosity about porn or remembering good videos that I want to watch again. I do feel like this has all been positive. 90 days of no porn feels like a long time though. I'll do it, but honestly I feel like having a few "cheat days". Finally, one thing I read about in the book "chasing the scream" (great book about the war on drugs) is that most addictions are about connection. One of the scientists argued that we should call it "bonding" rather than "addiction". What that means is that we're looking for genuine human connection, love and understanding, and if we don't get it we instead bond with drugs, porn, our work, etc. I think that's a really interesting way to look at it. In another book I read, the author (who was an ex-addict) talked about her relationships with certain drugs explicitly as a love affair.

Day 28 Actually haven't been that motivated to masturbate. Surprisingly I've been more motivated to look at porn. Seems like the urge to masturbate only comes up when I've seen an attractive girl recently.

Day 27 I still have a lot of flash-thoughts of porn videos throughout the day. Maybe half a dozen times a day or so. Interestingly, it's often due to innocuous stimuli. Furthermore, porn and interest in women still feels surprisingly separate. There seem to be two distinct processes that happen: 1. See someone attractive -> Want to have sex 2. See or think of something that reminds me of a porn video -> fantasize about that video or a similar situation -> want to have masturbate I wonder if the second one will decrease in frequency and intensity over time. On the positive side, I never really fantasize about other things during sex anymore. The main reason is simply that it's so easy for me to come now. If I haven't had sex in 4 or 5 days, I feel like I could come in 30 seconds if I wanted to, and it's hard not to come in 5 or 10 even if I try to hold it back. Whereas before, I felt like I could go indefinitely and then make myself come whenever I wanted to, just as long as it was in a specific position (and often aided by a fantasy). Outside of sex though, I still fantasize about porn situations pretty often.

Day 26 Sex has definitely been way better since starting this. Orgasms have been significantly stronger and I've definitely been more interested in having it because, well, I'm not getting it anywhere else lol. The only thing I'm cautious at this point is wanting sex more than my girlfriend. We both enjoy sex and have it most days we hang out, but my drive is just so high right now.

Day 25 Still having cravings on and off. Mostly when I'm bored or see/think of something that turns me on. I wonder if this will change after 3+ months or if that's just how it's gonna be.

Day 24 The tricky part of this is always telling how much is placebo and how much is an actual change. Seems positive in the ways mentioned already but it's hard to tell. Like I mentioned in the beginning, I'm gonna stick to the no porn thing for the full 90 days but I'll probably try masturbating at 30 days and see if there's a noticeable change. Ideally I'd like to keep up the no porn thing indefinitely because I can't see any benefit to using it. No fap would be super rough without a girlfriend though. We'll see.

Day 23 Not much new to report today. Still staying on track.

Day 22 Impulse to masturbate has been a little less intense. Also feeling like holding eye contact with attractive women is easier and more natural. This may be an exaggeration, but before it felt like I wanted to but my subconscious was ashamed or something. Feeling a lot less of that now. Honestly if all these changes so far stem from no fap/no porn it's definitely worth it. It's not a magic pill but it does feel like a multivitamin.

Day 21 Having some cravings for porn and cravings for masturbation, but interestingly the two are somewhat separate. Maybe this is a good thing. The impulse to masturbate has come mostly from seeing attractive girls in real life and thinking about them later. The impulse to watch porn has actually been less to do with being really turned on and more to do with remembering a video or picture that was really good and just wanting to look at it. My mind was doing mental gymnastics yesterday trying to figure out how I could look at a particular picture without breaking my streak. Pretty funny. What's also interesting is that the picture(s) I was most strongly drawn to are ones that I hadn't looked at in a very long time and hadn't really thought of before. I also remember them being a gateway for me into more explicit and extreme porn that followed. This might be totally random, but it's fascinating nevertheless. It's almost as if my tastes are unwinding themselves and regressing closer to their natural state. In other news, my sex life has gotten better even though it was pretty darn good in the first place. I feel really good about it now. Orgasms are much more intense and I feel like I'm on the verge of coming for most of the session, rather than just going through the motions and making myself come at the end. "Going through the motions" is an exaggeration, but I can't think of a more moderate descriptor.

Day 19 and 20 Hard to believe it's only been 20 days. Although it's difficult to draw causation, I do feel like I've felt energized during this period. Although the sexual energy has been difficult to deal with at times, it seems to have spread into other parts of my life in positive ways.

Day 18 Finding better ways to cope with enhanced sexual energy. Felt really good today to just get out for a long walk and engage with people/the world a bit more.

Day 17 Interestingly, this whole time the ideal of porn hasn't been a problem at all. What has been extraordinarily pronounced is the draw towards women and dating situations. As I've mentioned, I'm in a happy relationship with an attractive girl, but it certainly doesn't quell these thoughts and emotions. Yesterday I found myself wandering around the park and constantly changing my route to look at and pass by attractive girls. I'll even semi-consciously change were I sit or the angle at which I'm walking to encourage chance encounters. The extent to which my mind is oriented towards this is amazing. I'm not really sure what to make of it. It's possible that it's just my hormones and sex drive being high, which can be part of a healthy life. One thing I thought of for the first time yesterday was how this behavior of mine resembles people trying to subconsciously trying to relive certain situations. For example, people seek out relationship partners that will mirror what they've experienced before or even dangerous situations that traumatized them in a subconscious effort to re-experience (and therefore have a change to integrate) the event. I wonder if there's an aspect of this for me. I certainly experienced a lot of rejection when I was younger, but I've also had a ton of very positive and affirming experiences with women in the last 10 years or so. Interesting to think about either way.

Day 16 Been getting really horny on and off. I think some of it is due to ques though, like being in my room at a time when I would have masturbated before or seeing something that might have compelled me to do so.

Day 15 Had some urges today. I was thinking it would be nice to masturbate after 30 days since the main thrust of this was stopping porn. That said, the results have been positive for both and I think it will be harder to get back on the wagon if I discover masturbation has a big influence of it's own. On one hand, I want to try it. On the other hand, I really can't imagine masturbating would be a net positive anyway. One thing that just came to mind as I'm writing this is what I'll do if I end up single. Avoiding masturbation is much harder if you don't have another outlet, and I'm sure there would be a rich internal dialog about whether it's worth the anxiousness and blue balls when dating.