Azote

@Privet I suggest you consider rescuing yourself first.

Jokes aside - you still set the plank too damn high. Yes, to evolve from stage blue one should strive for stage orange, not coral. If someone is stuck in a dependent relationship, they should go for independent first and only then for co-dependent. And if I suck at decision-making and being efficient, I will go for instrumental rationality, and not some fucking non-dual philosophy. I don't get it anyway, and I'm not going to pretend I do. If you get it - congrats! 2) No, but they can keep one stuck and stupid. And I didn't mean religion. I meant cognitive bias and laziness and blind belief in everything one likes to believe in. 3) Of psyche. 4)I do

@Privet You're setting the plank too damn high here. Look up to supercool post-rational guys, dismiss rationality without grasping its limits by yourself, get lost in pre-rational bullshit and stay stuck for the rest of your pity life and die suffering af. All because of unwillingness to go through necessary stages of evolution. Yeah, that's fucking scary.

Just finished my first ever to finish 80-page A5 sketchbook. Took a bit longer than I expected (I started drawing in it on 12.11.2017 ), but FUCK YEAH! Such cases of my minimal consistency keep surprising me. Wish me luck with tomorrow's math exam lol

My materialism is a mommy issue Welp, when your mother showers you with esoteric pre-rational shit all the time, meanwhile having a miserable life in all domains, you are bound to become an atheistic student of rationality and "aspiring" scientist. that's how metaphysics can mess with your career choices. But I've been a lazy student, so I'm not even close to the sufficient exhaustion of rational methods. So I'm not really ready for post-rationality. Guess It's time to go back to basic and pragmatic techniques and suspend this advanced "woo-woo" stuff like yoga or "connecting to infinite intelligence" for a while.

Cravings get smarter -I can't have goals anymore. I exhausted this very notion. Now this word just means "a thing that I'll never get". I'm so tired of chasing results.I want no more goals. I... - Ehm, are you, by any chance, trying to convince me that I need to grab a cookie and break my diet streak? -... -... -fuck you -love you too <3

These goals still seem kinda blurry tho Except for the first one

I can last for like 10 minutes and then usually burst in tears because of thoughts about all this LP stuff. How are you doing today?

I've been seeing ants in my dreams a lot lately, and the internet says this means I will soon do something I will regret. Well, is it quitting college or not quitting college, I wonder?

Me taking notes on Leo's video about ambitions. ----------------------- Now, really, this whole "go full out" thing pisses me off. How the fuck do you do that?

Well... Oh fuck. So I found out I shouldn't be a scientist. Yeah, because I have a record of unfinished shit, I still have this fear that this is just my inability to commit. But I'm stuck. So stuck. This is not what should be happening when I get your LP handled, huh? Fuck. I've been into this self-help thing since like 10 years old. I'm smart. I'm talented. I'm good. Yet here I am, 21 and not being able to handle 1st fucking tier of needs' hierarchy. I'm so-so for the truth and progress, but guess what? I have been so scared of expressing my shit it got so-so uglier. When I could've just purged it and let go. 21 year of my life dedicated to being stuck. I'm not sure if I should do art for a living, but I totally have to express all this crap. Yeah, some fucking ugly and sad pics to just wash it away. We were once asked to draw a self-portrait in an art school, and I freaked out and said "this is too personal" lol. No one can know what a miserable fuck I really am, can they? A fucking tidal wave of unresolved garbage is coming my way. ---------------- I failed my goals. I've set them again. But minimized version. I wanna get them. It's like I get them or I'm fucked. Forever.

@QandC I contemplated immediate switch, like, resigning from uni tomorrow, and just give it all up and go draw, and I think that I should go for a smoother transition. I know that I tend to be compulsive, and therefore I need to be very cautious and strategic here in order to not fuck this up. Besides, I plan to integrate this gained scientific background into my artwork. Kinda like Escher played with topology. I believe that this is how I'm going to make something unique. So yeah, I could use a bachelor degree in physics. But don't worry, I'm making my first baby steps right now And thank you for the encouragement ❤️

Dunno what that means. Okay, that was kinda clumsy. I mean, it is certain that before I get to the point where I can have my ultimate desirable schedule, I'll have to work really hard on lots of unpleasant things for several years. I hold that belief that workaholism is a necessary stage. It's like, one is either a workaholic or some miserable fuck like me (I rarely manage to work more than 32 hours a week). So, when people share stories like this[rus] or this[rus] about how they work for 12 hours, I just freeze in fear like "Nope. I'm staying right where I am. Miserable, but kinda safe, for now".

@Privet I also have this fear of overworking myself. Especially during this 1-to-20 year transition to dream career. They keep saying about 12 hours ped day practicing and all that

@Privet I once had a schedule similar to this at summer school. Awesome time. I'm fine if there is such diversity. I know about lifestyle minimalism, but I cannot let it all go just yet. Iget depressed and demotivates without either one of these 3 things (for extended period of time). Sure it can be neurosis, but it's not much I can do about it than meditate and wait, is it?

@Elisabeth Generally, I have a lot more limiting believes about artistry, not just this. I didn't choose science for no reason) Now I see that I must work ob those believes to clear my sight on this career. So my work here is not nearly done Lol, here in Russia we actually have more liberty I guess. It's just hard to get money for fundamental research, because government doesn't give a damn, and neither do the business. But the point is, we need all three needs to be satisfied, or else it won't work. (That's according to the sd theory studies). So, the lack of even one of the three should be enough to make rational decision to quit, provided that you cannot reorganize your current job somehow (teach students or hang out with sci community to get relatedness, for example)

@Samurai Y I don't quite get your point here. How is focusing on single profession arrogant? Adults told me that I must choose one thing for that very reason - "don't be so full of yourself having multiple intetests, grow up already, you fucking millenial star kid" So yeah, it is better to go for one LP. What's wrong about that?

Alright, so I did some work and awkward things surfaced. Well, first of all, there are actually 2 problems: life purpose and my immediate inability to work. My actions on the latter: meditation and yoga - to reduce neurosis. Actually, I start to see that I am now less neurotic than I used to be a year ago. quitting my current lab - because now I assume that if a worker has the productivity of a retard when they are a student of a prestige university, it is the consequence of poor managing. I'm done beating myself up and feeling miserable and stupid here. And now to the LP. Most of mindfucks are coming from @Privet 's post here) $ 100.000.000 Question: If I had one hundred million dollars. And also if I dropped all these "moral obligations" that I have (something along the lines: "we must save Russian economy and science" or "we must build good future"). If I didn't care if I possess the talent required or not. Then I guess my typical day would be like this: spiritual practices reading books and drooling on non-equilibrium thermodynamics, synergetics etc. (4-5 hrs) lunch, discussing new ideas with friends painting (tada!) (3-4 hrs) a bit of martial arts practice. (maybe 1-2 hrs, not every day) Now, this requires some explanation I didn't mention it earlier because I was so engulfed in dealing with scientific career issue, but here is how my LP work looked like up until today: (age 15) I defined a bunch of my interests: physics, chemistry, maths, languages, painting, crafts, playing music, singing, dancing, body mastery, self-defence skills. I gave up crafts altogether, as well as academic music in order to narrow the shit down. Fucking genius insight #1 - I merged most of the remaining stuff into the single domain of capoeira. And I also merged scientific interests into material science. So basically I had only 3 fields to choose from. Neat, isn't it? Just like it is described in Dealing with confusion video, during my final year at school I had fucking genius insight #2 - "become a scientific illustrator, then! And well, since you still have your right for a hobby, that would be the place for martial arts ". Since my art sucked, and also because it is so fucking scary to pursue artist's career, or a double-major job like this type of illustrator, I picked up Institute of Physics and Technology, and I believe I said to myself "This is the safer option, I'll get scientific background there, I guess I will try to become a scientist, and if I won't be successful by 30 y.o, I'll quit and learn to draw and then try to become an artist". Note that I didn't remember this until a few days ago. Then, around second and third years at university, I kinda gave up and tried to focus just on science. I guess this is when my speculations about making the impact with science started to pop up. I needed a "high" reason for the things I was doing to somehow maintain my motivation. But I'm still miserable as a student, so it didn't work. Now, fresh insight from this week. Most likely, I wouldn't have gone to a high school specialized in physics and maths, and I may be would have taken a gap year after graduation to prepare for art school if only I didn't have to... live with my parents then. You see, boarding schools and prestige unies 5000km from home are so great. And I don't despise science, right? So, well, this is like a perverted version of 5-to-9 job: I study, and for that, I get shelter and food. That's how fucked up all of this is. This is the first time when I discover a tale that I have been telling myself and actually believed it. This is really awkward. So, my overall hypothesis is "Noble researcher" is a pretty story I came up within the last two years, because it was that painful to admit that I was mostly after escape from my town right from the start, and also because I am too afraid to find out that my "perfect day" from above is totally unrealistic (Welp, you cannot be an artist if you only have the capacity for making art for 4 hours a day tops, can you?). Well, I guess, nope? But here I also have my ass covered by Self-Determination theory (Might worth to take a look @Rajat Bhatia @Elisabeth @electroBeam ) and interacting with the workers of academic science. Not just intuition %) SD theory, which is built upon Maslow's work, claims that motivation and performance are facilitated by fulfilling 3 basic needs: competence, relatedness, autonomy. I'm now gettng just the autonomy. and only because my tutor doesn't give a shit. On levels higher than lab assistant, scientists are under government, and there is no chance for autonomy here. More so, I won't get the need for competence fulfilled because of the situation in academia - you will fall behind if you don't focus on publications quantity instead of quality and conducting good research. Relatedness and connection with other people also seem far-fetched, absolutely not on a daily basis as I need it. So that's it. It's not for me, but I'm too pussy. Or maybe there will be other 180-degree-change mindfucks coming in following weeks? Or all that reasoning was just some stupid delusional shit) Anyway, I am going to finish my bachelors. And maybe master's. You know, to get disappointed in science to the fullest, and also cheap dorm)

@Elisabeth @Privet @jjer94 Wow, guys) Thank you a lot! Now I've got specific things and questions to study and process concerning this issue. I guess I will be able to post some further coherent response in a week or two. Totally worth it to post this topic ❤️

@jjer94 So true, all that you mentioned! May I ask what do you do now? Do you get enough meaningfulness and other INFJ stuff? %) @Elisabeth Following your thread too) Nope. I'd rather be the visionary in charge of such company (well, eventually). I feel the duty to rise to the highest levels of consciousness I can and inspire others to do so too. But is it productive to perform this mission being part of the pragmatic, academic "orange" system? On the one hand: It will be incredibly hard to go against it or even function within this system participating in technological advances seems to be less important than that in cultural progress. As a highly sensitive person, I can burn out very easily under such stress. Or get corrupted. Hell, Leo left the academia, and I guess I am much weaker mentally. On the other hand: I do love science I already put a good chunk of my life to this path I fear that all this confusion might be just my inability to commit speaking, not the understanding of world's problems. Thank you for your response I get it that this is my personal creative task to make this desirable job, and I should do LP course asap to sort out my values (for example, it is rather important for me to get personal feedback from my clients, to be sure that I'm actually helping real people). Just hoped (and still do) people here might share their vision on this issue.

Week #22 General Soo, I set some stupid, inconvenient goals which have been haunting me since middle school. Because they feel authentic for me and I cannot let them go. A have to through the phase, ya know. The time is 9 weeks, till may 6th. Meditation Oh yes, 20 minutes every day. Aaand I started some kriya yoga as well, while I can handle it. Subconscious work Nope, not this week. Had a couple of insights, but that's it. ...nuff to say about career and education stuff... Money management Journal is ok, but I still buy shit) Health domain Exercise Got to both PE classes this week, and handstand practice every day. Diet Weight is 68.8. So I got a bit fatter for now, BUT! This was a week of almost perfect 6-hour-window IF, and I am fucking proud of myself. Skin Shitty. Too much junk. Also, I really really really shouldn't eat peanut butter and maybe peanuts at all.

Oh. Just bought the book about kriya. I look at it and find it fucking difficult to be open-minded here. Same with kundalini book. I mean, astral particles? A deity demanding on writing the book? C'mon!

Week #21 General This week was quite good. I underestimated the power of depressive music and other's negative moods. I mean, shit, "ULTRAnumb" have been my favorite song for years. What did I fucking expect? Everything becomes better with positive music, affirmations and avoiding dickheads %) Meditation I forgot to meditate yesterday (as well as to brush my teeth and put off my contacts etc ). So now I'm on a new streak. The last one was about 4 months. I wonder if I can make it at least 20 minutes every day this time. Aaaand yes, I started to notice positive changes in my intelligence. Subconscious work Had 1 BSFF session on my recently discovered fear of being attractive ( employers, friends, boys, customers, anyone). I also had a handful of moments when I became aware of some limiting belief then cried for a minute or two with a pleasant relief afterward. Career domain Work ethics Put stickers "Smart, not hard" everywhere in my room. Fuck the tracking for this month, I say. Education I have some hopes now Job performance Now, this is still shit Income Finally sold the last pair of VR glasses. I hope that was the end of my lesson "never buy things for reselling without testing them on the market". Money management Journal is ok, but I still buy shit) Health domain Exercise Got to both PE classes this week. Diet Weight is 68.7 today. Fasting and diet were not ideal, but I'm proud) I feel that I can do it) Skin Okay

Week #20 - Okay, enough with the slacking General Alright, I need to get back on track At least to write a report, even if it's not informative. Meditation 20-40 minutes a day, all week. I now wake up earlier to meditate while my roomie sleeps. No one's stopping me) Also, this effect of realizing that my problems are sooo fucking insignificant and I don't have to worry starts to kick it. Subconscious work Nope, I'm kinda afraid of it now. Career domain Work ethics Didn't do the tracking. Education bad :\ Job performance same shit Income no news Money management Keeping my journal, have a lot of unnecessary spending, especially on unhealthy food. Health domain Exercise Skip trainings and even my PE classes Diet Weight is about 69, I guess. This week I aim for excluding wheat and dairy + intermittent fasting ~18.00-12.00 Skin Quite okay, I suppose IF and drinking water have the most positive influence.

Week #18 Yay, took me just 1 week to go back to being same old miserable fat fuck from half a year ago almost completely. I did a couple of things that made me proud of myself which I have never done before, yep. But everything else is so screwed. Good start of a semester, huh?