Azote

Almost nothing changes, and that's the problem But here is some stuff I came up with: on my first week at boarding school and university, I uncontrollably burst in tears of self-pity 5-10 times a day with no particular reason. same symptoms, but happening for a couple of months + psychosomatic inflammation in the abdomen, supposedly triggered by orange-green dilemma (long story short, I study for physics degree but realized that most scientists are complacent oh-so-rational narrow-minded fucks and I don't wanna be like them). or by low marks at school lol Tears again at a sports training workshop - after a certain amount of pain, I just broke down (nobody else did). Basically, I have such reaction to any sudden change in work/training schedule/circumstances I guess there is no need to mention solo meditation retreat which ended up the same That was quite predictable. Small time scale - inconvenient questions or an insult or aggressive behavior will easily unbalance me too Baby steps can work quite well - I build up my meditation practice time for about a year now, for example. But you can't engage in business or other endeavors which require concentrated effort by baby steps. I definitely have issues with this, and I'm currently doing exercises from "6 pillars of self-esteem". However, I met people with super low self-esteem who could endure lots of emotional suffering (that's probably why they could afford low esteem) and I cannot.

Feel your ego disintegrating yet?

Health Marathon Weeks #12-13 of 42 Whazzup. So, how did I contributed to my mental and physical health lately? meditation - mean time 1h a day chatting with woebot. This stuff is kinda for newbies, but it's nice to have a bot who keeps you accountable and asks "howdy" from time to time in my case, since I kinda haven't bothered to establish some high-quality human friendships yet. Aaand yep, I am a newbie, in practice - for sure. not worrying about short-term mainstream short-term shit. Like grades, for example. I make effort to ground myself in strategic thinking and self-esteem in order to be content with taking wise counterintuitive steps and don't let others' panic get to me. "You gonna fail the test, why do you read your...er...spiral... dynamics?...stuff and then meditate and after that go to sleep before midnight!?". Well, I learned some lessons, that's why. There is a huge "but" to that, tho, but that's for another post. a little bit of sedona, shadow work and art-therapy. Discovering the potential of creating trippy pics with modeling clay morning sheets with some mindfucks, also thanks to nootropics relatively decent nutrition Yeah, I need to do something with exercise routine. Still figuring this out.

Maybe because you're a troll?

@jjer94 Thanks I'vo got some food for thought now.

I know what you feel bro. Exercises from 6 pillars are actually quite easy, I feared that there would be some comfort zome challenge shit like "go lie down on the street for 30 secs", but no

I don't mind sharing, it's just this inner conflict: somehow I got the idea that I can contribute to cultural and spiritual progress via my art, but at the same time I'm not even receptive to visual artworks myself. I mean, wtf? It's silly to aspire to be someone one's not meant to be.

Alright, I should admit it already I don't get art. I mean, paintings and stuff - visual independent (not design or illustration) things. I can't see how a painting could be as life-changing as book, song or movie. I barely feel any emotions emerging when I see all these chef-deuvres worth millions bucks. Niether do most people, neither did my artschool classmates, niether do most of the artists I reckon. The whole field is full of shit. Yeah, somebody can get mindfucked by some Escher art, but I bet its success rate sucks balls compared to books. Yeah, teaching new artists, art-therepy session and sfutt like this is what sells today, but I'm not a teacher. Also, there are rich patrons, but I don't want to be a pet. So, I guess I'll gave to hold art as a hobby and therapy, but not a tool for fulfilling my yet to be discovered life purpose. Shit, last time I had an epithany like this I got depression. Shit-shit-shit. That's scary.

Lots of exercises - just what I need. Thanks

Health Marathon Weeks 10-11 of 42 Woah, I'm still on this path, folks. I guess finding your pace is what it takes to get long streaks. Captain here. Let me tell ya about past two weeks: I started my little experiment with nootropics so I make more good decisions about important things this year and have the willpower to execute. Keep raising my self-esteem. It seems like it has a lot to do with energy levels and overall mental health. My thanks to people who pointed at this domain to me. Lots of body awareness, I manage to practice for an hour almost every day. I now also practice breath retention for yoga. I am back to some mild calorie restriction. It's now less neurotic, easier, and acne spots disappear without junk food. At last, I feel pretty Optimism is still with me, and I enjoy this good life while I can

Racetams + ADs part 0 My pack of nootropics finally arrived, yay. Yup, it's a racetam, but well, the laws here in mother Russia treat your precious modafilil the same way as cocaine or ketamine. Anyway, I'm gonna take a course of this stuff starting tomorrow. I'm mainly after the awareness boost here, but I'm also curious about the racetam+antidepressant combo effect. There is also some other stuff with choline. My overall stack will be like this: prozac 20 mg pramiracetam 1200 mg phenibut 250 mg choline DMAE ashwagandha Let's see how it goes

Fingertips+gouache I guess this is my favorite painting technique now

Health Marathon Weeks #8-9 of 42 Now I'm definitely doing something right since I feel that everything is going the way it should be going, and that my success is inevitable. Practices I do: body awareness meditation up to 1 hour affirmations reading different books exercises from "6 pillars of self-esteem" - that's awesome healthy stage orange stuff I needed taking action on my long-term goals every day Yeah, that moment when you finally have some energy

Health Marathon Weeks #6-7 of 42 No more study time or life purpose work tracking for this marathon. Because, well, the meaning of the word priority slowly starts to sink in, huh. Do not disturb. Healing in process. So these weeks I read about certain emotional issues, practiced not giving a damn about my grades, slow pleasant study mode, taking time for important stuff. Plus meditation. Guess I'm doing pretty good. Let me share some small pleasures off topic - French phonetics. Just. Love it.

Health Marathon Weeks #4-5/42 Kinda slacking off with my tracks. Some backlashes, I'm too busy again. But that's alright.

I'm sorry, but spirituality episode was just fuckin' hilarious Some people only see that I'm white, ignoring skill 'Cause I stand out like a green hat with an orange bill But I don't get pissed, y'all don't even see through the mist How the fuck can I be white, I don't even exist! I get a clean shave, bathe, go to a rave Die from an overdose and dig myself up out of my grave My middle finger won't go down, how do I wave? And this is how I'm supposed to teach kids how to behave? https://coub.com/view/1e6zrm

Health Marathon Week #3 This week was not as productive as the previous one. My guess is that I should prioritize my nidra practice above others. Also, I really need to do something with my habits concerning all kinds of hiccups. For example, yesterday I changed thermal grease on my laptop, but then detectors kept showing 80C, and I didn't know what to do without my laptop (all my uni books, work, commonplace journal, art etc are there) and my productivity was screwed up. Like, I don't feel anxious about such things, but I still have this habit of giving up on things really easily. "Oh no, now I can't do anything!" Btw, today I realized I just forgot to connect the fan back to the board, and now it's okay. Sooo back to work, ladies. What was done this week: self-improvement studying 2.5h 1.5 h of nidra. My roommates arrived, so I'll have to be more creative to manage my time properly to do my practices. 3 h of meditation all pills taken 1 h art 20.5 h studying, 9 of them being French lol. solved a couple of self-esteem issues

Health Marathon Week #2 The longest week so far this year. In a good way. What was done this week: learned about the existence of a specialty called psychiatrist-endocrinologist. Hope to get to them this month, before my hormones rage out again. self-improvement and psychology 3.5h I'm a senior student now, so I can live in a nicer dorm. I can sleep now because there is no fridge humming beside my bed and no roaches crawling on my face, yay! Just a nice new and clean apartment with adequate roomies and a lovely cat :3 No, really, I've been waking up at 7-7.30 without alarm since I moved in on Tuesday. completed my home first aid kit. __________________________________________________________ Talking to myself interlude: yeah, yeah, no real growth, just luck, and some vitamin B13. But it doesn't mean that I should decline all the good stuff happening to me, alright. I'm tired of this mentality: "it's better to struggle with your traumas living in shit because it's such a possibility for growth! And materialism is wrong anyway, and people who have good lives are boring and ordinary". Well, maybe it's time to develop some fokken ambition? Just, you know, to do something good for people instead of creating a struggle with basic stuff. __________________________________________________________ 3 h of nidra yoga. My current sankalpa is health-related too. I also managed to go through a full 1-hour session without falling asleep. 4 h of meditation. I started to practice mindfulness with labeling, and it gives me headaches. Kinda reminds me of art school classes. 14 rounds of surya namaskar all pills taken 3 h of art 11 h studying. Retook 1out of 2 exams I skipped because of sickness.

Health Marathon Week #1 In my previous attempts to "turn the tables" I figured out that one has the first week cool, then the second week is the first "turbulence". This time it began on the second day. My mood is up, and I am among the lucky people who get only the convenient side effects from ADs. But some somatic shit keeps happening, so I had to hang out at the hospital again for a few days this week. But I kept doing some practices there too, thanks to my stabilized mood. So, actions this week: 6.5 h of studying an idea for some art project with great chances of giving me some purpose in life 100 min of meditation 2 h of... don't faint... contemplation. Oh yes I did it. At last. 3 h of nidra yoga - decided to focus on this branch of yoga since it's super "stealth", simple and I can practice it for a while with no chakras mentioned. 7 rounds of surya namaskar about 5 pages in my sketchbook almost all pills taken (forgot once) So I spent about 10% of total time on self-dev work and definitely took steps towards my healing. Fuck turbulence!

More Health & Security Work To Do So I've been writing down some plans regarding my health domain work and I have to say that it will be best to stick with this domain for at least a year more. Cause my... let's call it "self-care" - needs some real upgrade. First of all. Took me years to admit its existence but hey: my No 1 priority must be dealing with depression. I'm not postponing it anymore. And by the way, if you gonna advise me to go get enlightened first hand - please please go fuck yourself. I'm also saying this to that part of me which believes this bullshit. No, I do not need to wait until I grasp the nature of reality and self by meditating and tripping in a cave for 20 years to become just a normal functional fucking person. I can become that now. Basically, the plan is to fix my psychology while pills are holding the symptoms, then get off the pills. And other points: Back-ups. Elementary stuff that I don't have for some reason. First aid kit, agreements for emergency situations, money stash and so on. Not having these feels so self-hateful and unstrategic. Preventive healthcare. Diet, supplements, vaccines, medical examinations, hygiene, warm clothes. Treatment. Taking pills, treating tooth cavities, all diseases that emerge. Changes! I'm determined to make this sustainable shift in energy levels and physical appearance. My weight loss goal also changes now to "~20% body fat". Purging and clarification. Facing emotions and fears, trying new things. I guess I'll set up new rubrics for this kind of stuff. I also think it's time to go back to weekly journal updates. So, see ya next week or sooner.

Fortunately, it's worth it Slowly but surely I'm moving forward, thanks ❤️

Have you tried leo's guided meditation? During my longest streak, I resorted to it on lazy sleepy days

@Moreira it's more nuanced than that. You can go to college with diffetent strateigc intents - internships, networking, to get required qualifications etc.

Going into debt is also "a huge strategic blunder", so if I take a loan in order to go to college, am I strategic motherfucker or not? Depends on the situation. I guess Leo was trying to make you go contemplate this, as always.

@jjer94 seems to me that finding the right diet is just as hard as finding your life purpose Glad you found yours