RickyFitts

@Gianna Ahh right, I'm with you - thanks for the clarification Wonderful, wishing you all the best going forward

@melodydanielluna Yeah, interesting that uncertainty in your circumstances triggers those feelings for your ex - it seems like maybe he fulfilled some sort of psychological need for you, even if you know deep down that it wasn't a healthy relationship. Anyway, I hope the new job prospect works out, and good for you that you're focusing on taking care of your own needs

It might seem counter-intuitive, but maybe the healthy living actually allowed all the feelings you'd previously stuffed down to come to the surface? That tends to be a necessary part of the healing process for most people I think, though it can be easy to conclude that something's gone wrong when it happens, and it can be extremely challenging to navigate those choppy waters when it does happen. On that basis, maybe it's worthwhile to get back into those healthy habits and just see how it goes?

Yeah, just the fact that you consider her flirting with another guy to be cheating suggests some major insecurity and possessiveness on your part. Don't get me wrong, I probably wouldn't be delighted in your shoes either, but calling it cheating is just extreme.

I'm struggling with this (quite possibly because I'm just a bit slow), what do you mean by fulfilling our needs indirectly? Could you give an example?

@Emerald Thanks for elaborating, I really appreciate it What you said perfectly explains a relationship I had a few years back which triggered significant trauma for both of us, I think it's fair to say we both had a significant shadow to integrate.

I'm struggling with this, you seem to be saying that there are two contradictory vibrations in most people, both of which are simultaneously attracting those of like energy towards them like a magnet? Is that how it works, or am I misunderstanding? Absolutely agree with you about healing and integrating in order to attract a compatible partner, though. Although dysfunctional, emotionally-wrenching relationships can also aid one's growth enormously, in a messy, tumultuous sort of way, I guess it depends on whether or not you've had your fill of the heartache.

I was going to say 'great analogy', but then boy did it take a dark turn at the end there

You could try being emotionally available, empathic, compassionate, understanding, respectful - I've found that women tend to appreciate this sort of behaviour. Depends what you're after though, obviously, if you're just looking for a one-night stand rather than a serious relationship then this approach probably isn't a good idea (because you might actually start to develop an emotional connection with her, which can be sticky).

@Preety_India Oh right, okay

I did this the other day, took me ages to figure out how to remove it - if you hover the cursor over the quote and then hold CTRL and right click, it'll give you the option to remove the quote.

@Nos7algiK Love it 'Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.' - Lao Tzu

We certainly seem to bug the hell out of each other sometimes, just like families do But there are so many good people in this community, it's been a real blessing - love you too, bro

No worries, I understand why you feel frustrated

I think the first thing to understand is that the regret serves no useful purpose, dwelling on what you did or didn't do just keeps you stuck; it's one of those secondary or 'cover' emotions that people often get caught in (other examples include anger, resentment, and self-pity), and it tends to be designed, unconsciously, to prevent you from feeling a more painful emotion like grief or despair. So you have to feel that deeper emotion in order to move past the regret, and in order to do that you have to be very conscious in your body, noticing where the inner resistance is and allowing it to release - and that might take time and concerted effort. Ooh interesting, I'll have to give that a look - thanks for the heads up.

Some of us are trying, I promise. (To understand, I mean, not your patience.)

@Gabith I was going to say that I'm a huge fan of 'American Beauty', but you can probably figure that out from my screen name You're right, though, the music is beautiful beyond words, I remember being so profoundly touched by it when rewatching the film back in my early 20s

I went for my second jab today, only to be told that they weren't administering the Pfizer version (that was the one I had for my first jab, and apparently it's not a good idea to mix them) and that I'd have to come back on Monday. Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery, honestly...

Fuck yeah, with my idea of a high-quality woman it'd be so hot it'd practically take your face off.

That's putting it mildly!

@Emerald So sorry to hear that you had to endure so much hardship when you were younger, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you. It shows how strong you must be that you managed to survive, though

To an extent - I now set much firmer boundaries so that I don't end up repeating the same pattern, though I haven't fully healed the abandonment wound that was at the root of my tendency to attract such women and so I've just avoided relationships altogether, I know from past experience that it won't end well as things stand (and actually, the desire for a relationship hasn't been there). I'm making good progress in that regard, though, a few years back I was suffering with such severe anxiety and depression that I could barely function but I've healed a lot since then; learning how to recognise and take care of my needs was important (I realised that I had a tendency to put other people's needs before my own, I suffered with feelings of guilt and low self-esteem), though an intensive meditation practice is probably what has helped the most.

@aurum Nice reflections, if we all had your level of self-awareness and self-honesty (and this applies to both men and women), there would be far fewer problems in relationships. But it's so much easier to see the splinter in their eye than to see the log in your own. Oh boy can I relate to this, I had a seriously unfortunate habit of attracting needy women and they would end up draining me horribly. That wasn't their fault, they obviously had some pretty acute emotional issues and I was unwittingly enabling their needy behaviour by jumping into a relationship with them too quickly and not having firm enough boundaries (I was embarrassingly naive, it has to be said), but it just reached a point where I'd think, 'Look, you can't keep dumping your emotional baggage on me, you've got to learn to healthily process your emotions'. Though that can be a lot easier said than done, as I've since found out, particularly when you've got a lot of unresolved trauma and emotional wounding. Relationships will tend to follow the same predictable patterns if you don't, though.